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The losses start to add up.

neowulf

By neowulf
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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neowulf Established Member

neowulf

Posted
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So, I'm in my 40s now.  Never married.  No children.

I've had, what I've started to believe, is an unhealthy number of relationships.

By relationships, I mean dating that lasted more than a year.  That involved meeting each others family.  Sharing Christmases and birthdays.
Supporting each other through difficult times.  You know, relationships.

My current 6 year relationship has begun slipping into a death spiral for the last 6 months.  We're struggling to try and resolve our problems, but we keep
going around in circles.  Nothing seems to work, or improve the situation.  We keep coming back to the same issues.

I find myself thinking... I can't cope with this anymore.  I can't handle another loss.  The idea is just crushing me.
My friends are all married, starting families.  I know I'm not a young man anymore.  Finding another place to live,
moving again, coming home to an empty house again.  I just... I don't know how to face it.

I see people who've been married 5 times and think, how are you even capable of caring for another person anymore.
Don't know where I'm really going with this.  How do people find the strength to get on with their lives? 
How do people just absorb the growing talley of losses and not become a husk of what hey used to be?  
  

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Happy Lemming Established Member

Happy Lemming

Posted
Posted
33 minutes ago, neowulf said:

 We're struggling to try and resolve our problems, but we keep going around in circles.  Nothing seems to work, or improve the situation.  We keep coming back to the same issues.

With these issues... I'm assuming she wants choice (A) and you want choice (B)... could there be a middle ground choice (C) or a completely different solution like choice (D)??

If you describe some of the issues/problems... maybe some people on here can come up with a new and unique solution to the problem...

Six years is a long time, should I make the assumption that you both want to try to salvage this relationship or has she already "checked out"??

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neowulf Established Member

neowulf

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Posted
51 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

With these issues... I'm assuming she wants choice (A) and you want choice (B)... could there be a middle ground choice (C) or a completely different solution like choice (D)??

If you describe some of the issues/problems... maybe some people on here can come up with a new and unique solution to the problem...

Six years is a long time, should I make the assumption that you both want to try to salvage this relationship or has she already "checked out"??

We're dealing with a bed death situation.  We haven't slept together in 7 months now and she's taken to sleeping in another room.  At first she told me it was because she just had trouble sleeping beside me, but it's become apparent that she's just too frustrated to sleep beside me without our affections being returned.

I've been checked out medically and there's nothing physically wrong with me.  I've just completely lost all desire to sleep with her.  The last few times we tried anyway, it just ended up an awkward mess, with me not really enjoying it at all.  We've struggled with sexual incompatibility from the start to some extent, but it appears to only have gotten worse since we moved in together 2 years ago.  I was on antidepressants and figured they might be the cause, but I stopped those over 18 months ago, trying to resolve this issue.  We've had zero improvement.  I've tried drugs to improve the situation, but nothing helps with the desire component.  

She says she feels like we've become roommates, nothing more than just friends.  It's like I've just gone cold on her sexually.

We are otherwise very affectionate with one another.  We communicate well, share values.  We are wonderful friends and partners for each other.

I feel so utterly ashamed and frustrated.  I've never had these kinds of problems in my other relationships.  It's not like I've been asexual my whole life.  I've enjoyed a healthy sex life with other partners.  I don't know why this relationship, with the most wonderful partner I've ever had, is so critically flawed in this way.  I don't know how to fix it.  I feel us drifting further apart every day.  I understand her reasons for it.  

I just don't know what to do anymore.  Neither of us wants to break up.  We both love each other very much.  I don't know why it has to be like this.  

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mark clemson Established Member

mark clemson

Posted
Posted

Have you seen a doctor?  If yes, have seen a sex therapist?

Since it seems like you want the relationship, it's probably worth trying those two things.

People IMO are essentially biologically designed to be serial monogamists, so our bodies and brains seem designed to trip us up eventually. So LT couples with intimacy issues of one form or another are extremely common. Some huge fraction of the whole counseling/therapy industry is essentially based on this. From the perspective of our genes it's a good things. From the perspective of what we go through, not so much. But our genes don't really know us.

Anyway, suggestion is to give both those things a try.

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neowulf Established Member

neowulf

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Posted (edited)
12 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Have you seen a doctor?  If yes, have seen a sex therapist?

Since it seems like you want the relationship, it's probably worth trying those two things.

People IMO are essentially biologically designed to be serial monogamists, so our bodies and brains seem designed to trip us up eventually. So LT couples with intimacy issues of one form or another are extremely common. Some huge fraction of the whole counseling/therapy industry is essentially based on this. From the perspective of our genes it's a good things. From the perspective of what we go through, not so much. But our genes don't really know us.

Anyway, suggestion is to give both those things a try.

Yes, I've seen a doctor and had a complete workup.  Can't find anything wrong with me physically.  
Thinks the issue could be linked to my depression.  But treatment for depression = SSRI = absolute destruction of your libido anyway.
Maybe I could try another doctor.  Get a fresh set of eyes on the problem.

Sex therapy... yeah... The concept just kind of makes me feel a bit queasy.  I'm already absolutely mortified about this problem, let alone sharing it with yet another party.

I suppose I have to consider, really what other choice do I have. What's the alternative?  Another lost relationship...

Edited by neowulf
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Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

Posted
Posted (edited)

Maybe you’re just not that into her sexually since you never had that problem much before and assuming other people can turn you on . It is crazy to me it’s lead to an over 6 year relationship since it was barely there since the beginning , but I guess it happens that way for some and they still want the other things . I don’t think you should waste any more of each other’s time if you aren’t happy. That sucks though 

Edited by Cookiesandough
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neowulf Established Member

neowulf

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Posted
Just now, Cookiesandough said:

Maybe you’re just not that into her sexually since you never had that problem much before. It is crazy to me it’s lead to an over 6 year relationship since it was there since the beginning , but I guess it happens. I don’t think you should waste any more of each other’s time if you aren’t happy. 

Have you ever met a person that you just clicked with?  That person you never run out of things to talk about with?  You laugh at each others jokes.  Complete each other's sentences?
When the other person is talking about something that means the world to them and you find yourself nodding in complete agreement? 

That's her and I.  

That bond, that kind of connection.  It basically never happens for me.  I've met two people in my entire life, including my partner, who I shared this kind of connection with.  It's that rare.
If she was anyone else, I'd have given up by now.  But she's not "anyone else".
 

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Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

Posted
Posted (edited)
10 minutes ago, neowulf said:

Have you ever met a person that you just clicked with?  That person you never run out of things to talk about with?  You laugh at each others jokes.  Complete each other's sentences?
When the other person is talking about something that means the world to them and you find yourself nodding in complete agreement? 

That's her and I.  

That bond, that kind of connection.  It basically never happens for me.  I've met two people in my entire life, including my partner, who I shared this kind of connection with.  It's that rare.
If she was anyone else, I'd have given up by now.  But she's not "anyone else".
 

 I actually have been in similar shoes before with that feeling once  but the sexual attraction component wasn’t there. It sucks hard. I finally did find others I click with and I’m attracted to  ..  ( though maybe not to the exact same extent) when I didn’t think I would. It’s rare, but it can happen for you too. Anyway, I’m sorry you’re in this situation. Not just that part, the whole thing. That’s gonna be hard. 

Edited by Cookiesandough
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Happy Lemming Established Member

Happy Lemming

Posted
Posted
2 hours ago, neowulf said:

We're dealing with a bed death situation. 

 

I wanted to acknowledge your post.  I don't really have anything to add that others haven't already suggested. I've never had this problem/issue so I have no "first hand" advise or experience with this;  I can't offer any solutions or suggestions.

I am sorry this is happening to you.

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FMW Established Member

FMW

Posted
Posted (edited)

You mentioned some extent of sexual incompatibility from the start.  Do you ever feel sexual desire for other women (and have a physical reaction), or masturbate?  Do you know for sure whether it's  just her you have that issue with?

If you are truly that connected in other ways and the issue is NOT just with her, I would think while not being happy about it, she might be more understanding and not feel the need to sleep separately.  However, if she thinks it's just an issue you have with her, that type of rejection would be difficult to get past.

Edited by FMW
glows Established Member

glows

Posted
Posted

I’m no sex expert but from the way you write what stands out most to me is your depressed and defeated outlook which would be enough to nullify any vibe at all or sexual interest. If I were in your place I’d find ways to pique my sexual interest in different ways, even if it means being unconventional or adventurous and sharing that with my partner. I’d be more interested in exploring what interests me as opposed to what’s wrong all the time. That would drive me nuts. 

I hope your relationship not only survives but thrives past this. Good luck.

Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

Posted
Posted
5 hours ago, neowulf said:

 the issue could be linked to my depression.  

Agree. You're in a standoff because you don't want to get married, she does.

You are trying to find ways to coast along so that you can maintain your antimarriage stance but not lose her as a result.

Every time she asserts her stance you'll have to struggle with with the same argument.

Your depression plays a role in this inertia. Too complacent to leave, too parked in your own corner to make it work out.

So there you have it. You would like to stay stagnant but that's not working for her so eventually you'll have no choice.

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neowulf Established Member

neowulf

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3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree. You're in a standoff because you don't want to get married, she does.

You are trying to find ways to coast along so that you can maintain your antimarriage stance but not lose her as a result.

Every time she asserts her stance you'll have to struggle with with the same argument.

Your depression plays a role in this inertia. Too complacent to leave, too parked in your own corner to make it work out.

So there you have it. You would like to stay stagnant but that's not working for her so eventually you'll have no choice.

I'm sorry, have you got your threads crossed?

I didn't mention anything about marriage.  I'm not *anti-marriage*.  My previous thread was about not having a strong desire to get married and how
that concerned me, for her sake.  She's never said "Marry me or I'm out".  I have no idea where you're getting this stuff.  There's never been an ultimatum. 

If you're trying to suggest that I'm deliberately avoiding sex with my partner to some how "coast along", you're completely off base.
Though I would suggest it'd be pretty stupid to marry someone you were having sexual problems with, even before you got married.  It would seem
like something you'd want to resolve before you tied the knot wouldn't it?

I miss having sex.  I miss *enjoying* sex.  I also happen to love my partner.

This is a tremendously difficult thing for me and I don't appreciate your dismissive tone. 

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elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted
25 minutes ago, neowulf said:

Though I would suggest it'd be pretty stupid to marry someone you were having sexual problems with, even before you got married. 

Exactly.
Whether conscious or unconscious, it is convenient "out" for you.
 

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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted

@neowulf, I'm short on time at the moment, but I have a recommendation.

Check out the Esther Perel video on YouTube "The Secret to Desire in a Long Term Relationship" it may change the entire course of your relationship.

What you are experiencing is not all that uncommon in LTRs, diminished sexual desire. 

It's the reason why many LTRs cannot go the distance, imo.

Esther Perel is a well-regarded psychotherapist, I highly recommend all her videos, books, articles, but in your particular case, the video mentioned above might be of particular interest.

Watch it alone at first, then watch with your girlfriend.

I'm sorry this has happened, and good luck! 💛

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Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

Posted
Posted
4 hours ago, neowulf said:

I'm not *anti-marriage*. 

Perhaps misunderstood. 

Is this the same woman?:

 

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Lisa Established Member

Lisa

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While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
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