vwisme Posted July 20, 2021 Posted July 20, 2021 Long story short, my ex and I had a pretty toxic relationship and both agreed to move on. I've been focusing on myself and enjoying life. Well lately she's been contacting me every few days asking "what are you doing tonight?". I've been trying to avoid a conversation as I don't want to hook up and don't see what her intentions are as she doesn't ask about my life or ask much else. I took as breadcrumbs and figured she would eventually stop. Well yesterday she asking me what I was doing that night. I let her know I had plans and was going out. Then I got these replies (one right after another): "Me too." "Why are you being short with me?" "You said you wanted to be friends..." "Nevermind. Honestly, forget all of that." I let her know. "We are friends. Okay. Enjoy your night :)" - no reply on her end. (My friend's are convinced she was trying to gaslight me/manipulate me) Then today, I was downtown walking, looking at my phone when I saw a foot look like it was trying to trip me. Lo and behold, it was my ex trying to get my attention. She was with a girl (she's bi) but had walked up to me to have a conversation. She was all smiles (and I think a bit tipsy/high) and the following ensued. "Hi. It's good to see you. What are you doing?" Then telling me it was her bday (I completely forgot) and that it's really good to see me. To which she then introduced me to her new person and then let me know it was her bday again. I was a bit confused after the conversation we had the night before so I stumbled over my words a bit but wished her a happy bday, apologized for forgetting and let her know I needed to finish running an errand. She asked if I got too drunk last night to which I denied and she laughed saying "yeah right". I said well it's good to see you but I'm really busy and need to go. I tried to give her a handshake and she ignored it and opted for a hug. She then texted me later apologizing If it was awkward and she didn't expect to run into me. I let her know it wasn't awkward and I was just surprised that someone was trying to trip me. Anyways, I don't feel bad or that I miss my ex. I actually feel pretty indifferent and a bit of pity for her (she's been jumping into multiple relationships with people after our break up apparently). I'm happier now than when I was with her, my life is a lot better, and I'm dating some astounding women. But I feel like maybe I didn't handle that well or maybe shouldn't have given her the time of day or possibly just confronted her on her actions the night before. My friends tell me I did the right thing by playing it cool and unfazed and not letting her incite a reaction. Not sure how I feel about all of this and kind of feel crummy like we just broke up again and idk why. Life has been 100% better without her and I didn't see her thinking I wanted her back. Wondering if I handled the run in properly and the subsequent texts or if I just made myself look like a fool?
Blind-Sided Posted July 20, 2021 Posted July 20, 2021 DOn't even need to read it all. Just block her. 3
Author vwisme Posted July 20, 2021 Author Posted July 20, 2021 17 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said: DOn't even need to read it all. Just block her. I could be wrong here but what's the use in blocking her if I am moving on? I'm not reaching out to her or trying to rekindle anything. I don't block people unless it becomes disrespectful and affecting me. I prefer to just see the contact reach out and keep it moving regardless.
Wiseman2 Posted July 20, 2021 Posted July 20, 2021 1 hour ago, vwisme said: My friends tell me I did the right thing by playing it cool and unfazed and not letting her incite a reaction. Are you trying to get her back? Why bother with chitchat?
Author vwisme Posted July 20, 2021 Author Posted July 20, 2021 No. Not trying to get her back. Just being cordial and having a conversation.
Kai_Kai Posted July 20, 2021 Posted July 20, 2021 Simple. Blocked her! Throw your phone out the window, change your number, text her back,"New phone, who dis?", text her you are going on a mission trip to Guatemala and won't have cell phone service for the next 30 years, but it was nice catching up with you. I mean just don't entertain her toxicity. 2
Author vwisme Posted July 20, 2021 Author Posted July 20, 2021 2 hours ago, Kai_Kai said: Simple. Blocked her! Throw your phone out the window, change your number, text her back,"New phone, who dis?", text her you are going on a mission trip to Guatemala and won't have cell phone service for the next 30 years, but it was nice catching up with you. I mean just don't entertain her toxicity. I may be missing it but blocking her really won't solve the run ins. That's the part i'm more focused on. But from what I gather, you're saying the run in is a non issue. Just block, move on, and forget about it 1
Kai_Kai Posted July 20, 2021 Posted July 20, 2021 2 minutes ago, vwisme said: I may be missing it but blocking her really won't solve the run ins. That's the part i'm more focused on. But from what I gather, you're saying the run in is a non issue. Just block, move on, and forget about it That's exactly what I am saying. She is no longer a present issue. If you have all your belongings from her and don't have children. The relationship ended poorly, she is toxic block, move on, and prosper lol. 1 1
Author vwisme Posted July 20, 2021 Author Posted July 20, 2021 @Kai_Kai That's fair. I guess I've been so wrapped up in how I acted in the run in that I forget it doesn't matter. Thank you for the reality check. 2
Kai_Kai Posted July 20, 2021 Posted July 20, 2021 Just now, vwisme said: @Kai_Kai That's fair. I guess I've been so wrapped up in how I acted in the run in that I forget it doesn't matter. Thank you for the reality check. Even if ya'll run into each other on the street. It's a simple acknowledge of each other existence and move on, which could be a simple head nod. You don't have to engaged. You're in control. 1
Author vwisme Posted July 20, 2021 Author Posted July 20, 2021 (edited) 5 minutes ago, Kai_Kai said: Even if ya'll run into each other on the street. It's a simple acknowledge of each other existence and move on, which could be a simple head nod. You don't have to engaged. You're in control. I am. Time to stop circling the drain and allowing her to play these games. Blocking and moving on. Thank you. No kids. No reason to communicate. I'm scot free THANK YOU Edited July 20, 2021 by vwisme 2
Kai_Kai Posted July 20, 2021 Posted July 20, 2021 1 minute ago, vwisme said: I am. Time to stop circling the drain and allowing her to play these games. Blocking and moving on. Thank you. No kids. No reason to communicate. I'm scot free THANK YOU Good for you! Enjoy your life with no added drama. 1
Miss Spider Posted July 20, 2021 Posted July 20, 2021 36 minutes ago, vwisme said: I am. Time to stop circling the drain and allowing her to play these games. Blocking and moving on. Thank you. No kids. No reason to communicate. I'm scot free THANK YOU
ExpatInItaly Posted July 20, 2021 Posted July 20, 2021 6 hours ago, vwisme said: My friends tell me I did the right thing by playing it cool and unfazed and not letting her incite a reaction. Well, yes. But reading between the lines of your post, it very much sounds like you do want her back. And that you've been hoping she would actually ask to see you and reconcile, and not just the breadcrumb-type things she's been sending.
flitzanu Posted July 20, 2021 Posted July 20, 2021 6 hours ago, vwisme said: "Me too." "Why are you being short with me?" "You said you wanted to be friends..." "Nevermind. Honestly, forget all of that." I let her know. "We are friends. Okay. Enjoy your night :)" - no reply on her end. (My friend's are convinced she was trying to gaslight me/manipulate me) did you agree to be friends after the breakup? if so, then she is trying to be your friend. if you did not want to be friends, you should not tell her that you're friends. 1
Author vwisme Posted July 20, 2021 Author Posted July 20, 2021 (edited) 39 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Well, yes. But reading between the lines of your post, it very much sounds like you do want her back. And that you've been hoping she would actually ask to see you and reconcile, and not just the breadcrumb-type things she's been sending. No. I don't want her back. For the record (I didn't add it in the post), she had been asking me to come over late at night to cuddle/hook up but I just said no. I've truly tried just staying friends but without too much context, she's either gotten upset when I struck up a conversation or just tried to get me to come over late at night. No in between. So I've just avoided reaching out altogether. Edited July 20, 2021 by vwisme
Author vwisme Posted July 20, 2021 Author Posted July 20, 2021 22 minutes ago, flitzanu said: did you agree to be friends after the breakup? if so, then she is trying to be your friend. if you did not want to be friends, you should not tell her that you're friends. Without going into the full story but for context - she didn't want to be friends and told me to lose her number. I respected that and did not contact her. She then apologized a few days later and said we should be friends. Since then it's been an off/on thing of wanting to hook up or something which I shutdown but one time. With that being said, Idk about you but if someone asks me what I'm doing and I tell them "Going out. What's up?" and you get the above texts back to back to back to back - I think that would be cause for concern and intentions. I wasn't short nor was I rude. And the more I've thought about it, the more I see it as manipulative and gaslighting
Wiseman2 Posted July 20, 2021 Posted July 20, 2021 2 hours ago, vwisme said: Time to stop circling the drain and allowing her to play these games. Blocking and moving on. Excellent. Good call. Treat her like an acquaintance if you run into her cordial, neutral, moving along, gotta go, etc. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted July 20, 2021 Posted July 20, 2021 19 minutes ago, vwisme said: No. I don't want her back. Then why do you feel like you've just broken up all over again? That's a sincere question, by the way. Are you feeling rejected by her, or..? 1
Author vwisme Posted July 20, 2021 Author Posted July 20, 2021 3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Then why do you feel like you've just broken up all over again? That's a sincere question, by the way. Are you feeling rejected by her, or..? I appreciate the sincere question. Had therapy and really took time to figure out why. One thing I've derived while sitting here and mulling it over is probably the realization that this person isn't actually my friend. I think of all of my friends and especially the ones that were my exes and I think seeing her made me realize how unstable, chaotic, and disingenuous she's been. Whether it's attacking me for not reaching out to her, crossing clearly defined boundaries, or continuing to tempt me. Seeing her act like she hasn't been contacting me every other night out in public was a bit of a shocker. That's what I've gathered. At first I thought maybe I do want her back and/or my ego's bruised but I don't feel that way. So no, I think saying "it's like we're broken up again" is the wrong phrasing. Because when we did break up, I was pretty happy. I think the sadness I've experienced came back for different reasons. The person I thought I dated is gone. There's someone new pretending to be my friend but in reality is being manipulative and destructive.
stillafool Posted July 20, 2021 Posted July 20, 2021 When she 7 hours ago, vwisme said: "You said you wanted to be friends..." Why did you say this. The next time she asks tell her the truth "We are not friends and please don't contact me anymore" then block her. Why do you need to keep her in your life at all trying to get you to hook up? This happened to me many decades ago when there was no cellphones and blocking. I changed my phone number but he would still try to contact me at work. Luckily I had my calls screened back then and he never got through. When I ran into him one day I looked at him like I was trying to remember who he was and kept walking with him still talking. To me you're dead when we break up and I felt disrespected. That's how you should treat her.
stillafool Posted July 20, 2021 Posted July 20, 2021 31 minutes ago, vwisme said: she didn't want to be friends and told me to lose her number. I respected that and did not contact her. Now reverse this and tell her the above then block her.
Author vwisme Posted July 20, 2021 Author Posted July 20, 2021 1 hour ago, stillafool said: Why did you say this? I apologize for the confusion. I DID want to be friends after our breakup. I was over and done with the relationship but still cared for her. I naively thought the games and whatnot would stop and figured we could move forward amicably. With that being said, I've learned my lesson that she's chosen this path of chaos and I want no parts. I'm ready to receive my diploma, grad cap, & gown. 1
Blind-Sided Posted July 20, 2021 Posted July 20, 2021 8 hours ago, vwisme said: No. Not trying to get her back. Just being cordial and having a conversation. Don't !!!!!!!!!!!! If you see her... walk away. 8 hours ago, vwisme said: I could be wrong here but what's the use in blocking her if I am moving on?. She is contacting you... and you don't like it. So... block her. You aren't really moving on if you are talking with her. And, since you are here, and asking questions... it's is obviously bothering you.
Author vwisme Posted July 20, 2021 Author Posted July 20, 2021 1 hour ago, Blind-Sided said: And, since you are here, and asking questions... it's is obviously bothering you. There's no denying this. Thank you for calling me out and setting me straight.
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