I was a rubbish boyfriend and now her family and friends don't like me! Can I make it better?

[DJFins]

I met my gf when we were both 17. I noticed her straight away, anyone would - not just like cause she’s pretty but because she lights up a room! Always laughing, always chatting and yet always the first person to talk to you, always bringing the sunshine!

Our lives up until that point was worlds apart, but we just got on.. and now we’re 24 and I’ve been with her for 7 years.

But I’d be the first person to say it’s been no teen sweethearts storybook romance! 8 great wonders of the world: the great pyramids, the hanging gardens, ..and the fact me and that girl are still together!

I’ve been a bad boyfriends to her. Not outrageously, but consistently. I’ve never cheated, I’ve never been aggressive …..but I haven’t put her first when she deserves it, Ive flirted when I know it winds her up, years and years and yet I’ve always held back.

 

I never felt good enough for her, not really, and the problem is that becomes self fulfilling….her friends and family didn’t think I treated her well enough (they were right) and yet every time someone said it it just made me want to hit back.. I don’t know that anyone has ever believed that I’d amount to anything good and I’ve spent a stupid amount of my life living down to those expectations!

 

The problem with me and gf is although we’ve always got on, she’s a tough cookie - which I like - but we argued ….like A LOT!!!

You know when you’re a kid at school and you purposely wear white trainers to school, because you know they’ll tell you off - just because that reaction is so reliable when literally nothing else in your life is? That’s how it was with me and her!! I’d pick a fight on purpose, because as much as I didn’t deserve that girl, as sure as the sun would rise if I threw the bait she’d take it - and this immature part of me enjoyed the consistency of that!

 

It wasn’t always that bad, got worse as time went on I guess! Often during an argument she’d talk about us splitting up, her mum tried to set her up with someone else once, and on one occasion a few years back she referred to me as her ‘ex to be’ …that one particularly got in my head. I’ve felt on my own for my whole entire life, and our relationship was no different, I still felt on my own.

 

Which is where anyone from the outside looking in would be screaming ‘just break up’, all you’re doing is hurting each other right!! But there was just, something..

 

Then I started to self reflect a bit more.. I work in charity, with young people for disadvantaged backgrounds - particularly those who grew up around domestic abuse or sexual violence. I started to realise I was being a hypocrite - projecting as though I had answers when I was clearly still letting my own past effect my adult relationship. I wanted to make it better but we were so far far into this hole that, what can you do you know.

 

Then one day she came down the stairs and basically said that she thinks we’ve had a good run but it’s over. Like no argument, she wasn’t angry, she was serious and that was just so much worse..

…it hit me like I didn’t think it would!! I was like actually balling! Don’t think I’ve ever cried like that, dunno if it was a panic attack or break down or something. She was shook (I was shook!) I just knew then that I did love her, a lot, and I’d been scared by that for such a long time and I just didn’t know how to be more deserving of her.

I remember her sitting on the floor with me and being like “of course I love you DJFins, why on earth would I have stayed all these years if I didn’t love you something silly - I thought you knew that”.

She said she was scared I’d break her heart, and I told her I was terrified she’d break mine!! The mad thing is that neither of us we’re giving the version of ourselves that we gave to the rest of the world to each other. We we’re both so guarded I guess.

We were just so young in those early days I guess.

 

ANYWAY … that was just over a year ago. And the last year of our relationship I’m happy to say has been amazing!!

We so desperately needed that reset, and we both needed some reassurance that we definitely weren’t getting but didn’t know how to ask for!

We honestly hardly ever argue these days, bar the occasional ‘I told you to put the bins out’ classic! She’s a lot more affectionate with me, and I don’t pick fights with her! I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life.

 

So here’s my thing - her friends and family, still don’t like me! I understand, they’ve made their judgment over years and over those years she’s agreed with them. It’s very difficult to turn that now. She’ll never say a bad word about me now (I’ve heard her stick up for me instead and my god that just makes me want to treasure that girl for the rest of my life) but now it does bother her sometimes.

She loves her family, and her best friend, they’re very close. And I wish I knew how to try to fix some of those bridges. I though it’d just be time, but it’s been a year. We had her family over for a bbq this weekend, but there’s just always a bit of a vibe.

I see marriage and kids, not today but you know I see it, and she does too, we’ve talked about the future we want to build. But the general negotiate opinion surrounding me.. it worries me a bit. She doesn’t need me, I know it as well as they do, but I also know that I can make her laugh better than anyone, and that I love her and that my goal in life is to build that little family that if we’re get to be so lucky we can look back on in our old age. I’m so ready to put her first now.

But now she’s the one who’s being put in this difficult position between all the people she loves and… I don’t know how to help?

 

Suggestions, advice.. it’s all appreciated!?

[DJFins]

TL/DR:  

I’ve been with her seven years, I haven’t always been the best boyfriend, is it too late to change her family and friends minds?

[Andy_K]

Opinions take time to change.

It's a bit like a fat person turning around an unhealthy lifestyle... they don't get to be thin just because they stopped eating junk food. It took years to gain the weight and can take years to lose it. Even when it's off, there's always the doubt that they'll be able to keep it that way like someone who'd never gained in the first place.

This is what you face. You've been a bad partner for 6 years, and a good partner for one. Of course they don't trust you yet! For your part, all you can really do is keep being the best version of yourself. Your girlfriend can tell her friends and family not to openly disrespect you in front of her. You're in for the long game here, so set your goals accordingly - don't look for her friends and family to be accepting of you, look for them to be slightly less hostile each time they see you. That's your goal. A slow improvement over time. Eventually you'll get to where you want to be.

Edited July 20, 2021 by Andy_K

[smackie9]

ya just fade away and move on with the lessons you have learned...there's no turning back because the bridge burnt down.

[DJFins]

2 hours ago, Andy_K said:

Opinions take time to change.

It's a bit like a fat person turning around an unhealthy lifestyle... they don't get to be thin just because they stopped eating junk food. It took years to gain the weight and can take years to lose it. Even when it's off, there's always the doubt that they'll be able to keep it that way like someone who'd never gained in the first place.

This is what you face. You've been a bad partner for 6 years, and a good partner for one. Of course they don't trust you yet! For your part, all you can really do is keep being the best version of yourself. Your girlfriend can tell her friends and family not to openly disrespect you in front of her. You're in for the long game here, so set your goals accordingly - don't look for her friends and family to be accepting of you, look for them to be slightly less hostile each time they see you. That's your goal. A slow improvement over time. Eventually you'll get to where you want to be.

Yeah I hear you man, I do hear you! I know that things don’t happen overnight and that’s okay …I intend to be around for an awfully long time so I think, there doesn’t need to be a rush!

I guess I just feel that back in the day it was everyone against me, but now, I’m much much more shielded from that thanks to her, but that feels a bit wrong because I feel like she takes most of the heat in that regard now …I don’t know, I was thinking about whether I should have a chat with, well namely with her best mate and with her dad. I don’t know if that is you know kind of taking responsibility …..but I don’t want to make things worseeee.. so I’m not sure.

[DJFins]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

ya just fade away and move on with the lessons you have learned...there's no turning back because the bridge burnt down.

I burnt down bridge doesn’t mean the rivers not worth crossing though right!? Just that you’re gonna have to put more effort in!

 

If I was going to walk away easy then there’s a catalogue of times over the last 7 years of my life I’d of done it, I never did. She is the single most important person in my whole life. It’d take wild horses..

 

[smackie9]

I speak from experience. For future sake, when you get married, you also marry into family/friends. They are your support system as you both go through life, buying a home, raising children. You won't have that, at all. And I think she knows this. It's not a good existence. You have tunnel vision. You only have one thing on your mind and that is to save your heart. But what about her? her family, her friends? She's going to lose all that. Plus you have no bliss in your relationship. You argue A LOT, which could mean, you both are not compatible for the long haul, poor understanding of each other, nothing gets resolved, this relationship has run it's course. Arguing all the time is unhappiness. She's see that, and she needed change in her life, but she can't do that being with you.

You can stand on your head and raise the "I'm a better guy" flag all you want. She wants to move on, and at least see how she feels. As they say let them go, it they come back it was meant to be. Give her, her space. I think if you push, she will just push back.

[DJFins]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

I speak from experience. For future sake, when you get married, you also marry into family/friends. They are your support system as you both go through life, buying a home, raising children. You won't have that, at all. And I think she knows this. It's not a good existence. You have tunnel vision. You only have one thing on your mind and that is to save your heart. But what about her? her family, her friends? She's going to lose all that.

Aye aye, I know what your saying! But for one thing, I’ve never had that - a lifetime support system, a family like hers ..like I don’t even really know what that would feel like so I don’t miss it!

For her though, it’s different - I take that point entirely!! She loves her life knowing the people she loves don’t really like her boyfriend! I won’t pretend that’s not an issue, but it’s not a new issue - seven years is a long time, my gf is very.. she knows her own mind. Her family, her mate, they’re lovely people - I have nothing against them! We do a lot with her best mate, she’s at our place all the time and we get on fine but I know she always says my gf could do better. And her mum & dad are big on family, they throw a lot of family events and trips and that and they would never ever not invite me! I think out of everyone it’s her dad who dislikes me the most, but my gf is his youngest daughter, absolute apple of his eye, he is always civil with me - for her! Basically like, it’s not a situation where they’d ever ever disown her for who she was with, or for anything at all!

Its just a bit awkward sometimes!

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

 Plus you have no bliss in your relationship. You argue A LOT, which could mean, you both are not compatible for the long haul, poor understanding of each other, nothing gets resolved, this relationship has run it's course. Arguing all the time is unhappiness. She's see that, and she needed change in her life, but she can't do that being with you.

Not these days. Literally never argue these days.

It’s weird actually, thinking about how much we used to argue, cause truth is we’re so similar, we don’t actually disagree on hardly anything, we used to argue about such stupid stupid stuff!! …I completely understand why she called it when she called it - she was right to, that was no way to keep living!

 Since that day though its been so much better, the last year has just been a whole different relationship. Which is why I think maybe I should talk to them, like not just sweep it under the carpet, because being so open and honest with her has made all the difference.. maybe it would with them too!

 

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

She wants to move on, and at least see how she feels. As they say let them go, it they come back it was meant to be. Give her, her space. I think if you push, she will just push back.

Oh she wouldn’t leave now.. it’s been a long time since that chat. I feel the love these days

[smackie9]

If this is so you don't need to be here.

[DJFins]

29 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

If this is so you don't need to be here.

No? You think I just leave It as it is, you don’t think I need to be more proactive, to talk to them?

[d0nnivain]

22 hours ago, DJFins said:

Suggestions, advice.. it’s all appreciated!?

Since she is still with you, let your actions toward her, her family & her friends show them that she has made the right choice.  

Do nice things that they see or hear about.  Open doors for her; support her; look at her adoringly & like she's the smartest / most important person in the world.  Remember the birthdays of her family members & send an acknowledgment -- cards or gifts depending on your budget but something more than a social media post.  Learn when her parents' wedding anniversary is & acknowledge that.  Be respectful in their home -- use your company manners but offer to do the dishes.  

Do apologize to her parents for being a bratty teenager & tell them how much you love & care about their daughter.  They are parents.  They know kids grow up so show them by your deeds & words how much you have matured but make sure your actions match your words of they will think it's only lip service.  

[Miss Spider]

You’re asking people how to stop a behavior that you are still actively engaging in…. You said that her family’s opinion of you dictated your actions and it looks like it still is? You can’t make people like you. You should treat your gf nice regardless of what her family thinks of you. Treat her good and consistently. Then you might notice her family warm up to you as a byproduct of that. But it’s not the main reason 

[smackie9]

No one likes a brown noser. Just leave it.

[Wiseman2]

Toe the line. Polite to her parents, please, thank you, etc. Haircut, decent clothes. No PDA around parents. No heavy drinking.

Don't upset/argue so much that she runs to them to vent. Welcome conflict resolution, even if it's listening a few minutes and making some adjustments.

[d0nnivain]

49 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

No one likes a brown noser. 

While being a brown-noser is bad being a polite respectful person is good.  IMO the OP needs to do more of the latter.  

Edited July 20, 2021 by d0nnivain

[Miss Spider]

To me like he needs to be more polite and respectful to than girlfriend the family. The family probably sees his behavior towards her and then him sucking up/acting all nice to them and are like ‘man, get out out of here” 

[ShyViolet]

You're only 24 now.  You first started dating her when you were 17.  You were a kid, and I'm sure you were immature.  The amount that young people grow, evolve and mature from the ages of 17 to 24 is tremendous.  Every time you are around her family and friends, just act polite and respectful.  That's it.  Don't put on a big show or do things just to try and make them like you.  Just act normal and respectful.  If they can't understand that you grew and matured since you were a selfish 17-year-old kid, and they are still going to hold past actions against you, well then that says a lot about them and that's their problem, not yours.  

[ExpatInItaly]

Show them, consistently and over time, that you value and respect their daughter. 

That will do a lot more than any words ever could. 

[glows]

Isn’t the origin of your issues fearing authenticity? You are afraid of showing what you are. Conversely, now that you are honest, you’ve risked rejection and continue to be rejected. You’re living your worst nightmare and anxiety so as long as you recognize your fears and the origin you can change. Be patient with others and never push. 

The flip side of not fearing your own authentic self and being open/vulnerable and authentic in a relationship is to risk rejection ..and you are doing it! You are swimming. Keep swimming and stay calm. 

Edited July 21, 2021 by glows

[DJFins]

11 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

You’re asking people how to stop a behavior that you are still actively engaging in…. You said that her family’s opinion of you dictated your actions and it looks like it still is? You can’t make people like you. 

Oohhhhh!! Yeah, fair play!!!! When you put it like that…

Yeah you’re right, I need to just be me and let them be them and let everything else fall into place where it does! It’s a habit of a lifetime I guess - hard to break!

11 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Be respectful in their home -- use your company manners but offer to do the dishes.  

Do apologize to her parents for being a bratty teenager & tell them how much you love & care about their daughter.  They are parents.  They know kids grow up so show them by your deeds & words how much you have matured but make sure your actions match your words of they will think it's only lip service.  

 

10 hours ago, smackie9 said:

No one likes a brown noser. Just leave it.

 

10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Toe the line. Polite to her parents, please, thank you, etc. Haircut, decent clothes. No PDA around parents. No heavy drinking.

Don't upset/argue so much that she runs to them to vent. Welcome conflict resolution, even if it's listening a few minutes and making some adjustments.

You know, this got me really thinking… I think right from when we met I’ve always been respectful to her parents, polite to her friends, I know my manners! ..When I was little I lived with my step nan for a couple of years.. true story she used to carry this mini water pistol round the house and if you missed a please or thank you - sharp spray straight to the face - she used it for me and her collie dogs! She wasn’t a very nice lady really - but I’ve always had good manners haha!!

 

But I guess, maybe that’s half the problem! I always appeared polite to them, and yet my girlfriend would vent to them that behind closed doors our life was far less perfect! So yeah, I can imagine that they always felt, like you say, that it was ‘lip service’.

…So now, our ‘behind closed door life’ is so much better, but to them from the outside looking in, I guess nothings really changed! Nothing, except for her speaking more highly of me, and maybe we’re a bit more affectionate… but nothing particularly for them to really see is different, they kind of just have to take her word for it….. which makes sense that that would take a long time!

 

[DJFins]

10 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

To me like he needs to be more polite and respectful to than girlfriend the family. The family probably sees his behavior towards her and then him sucking up/acting all nice to them and are like ‘man, get out out of here” 

100% 

And I could totally understand that!

I never meant to suck up to them, it’s just you’re outdoor manners right? I’ve always tried to be well mannered and friendly to, well everyone!

But for sure my gf was like the one person to not get that really. And that came from a place that she was the closest person in the whole world to me, but that’s never an excuse for treating someone like sh**! And I was just so emotionally immature! But I think I’ve grown up a lot from being that guy, im sorry for all the time that I didn’t give her the best version of myself, and I can’t undo that but I can move forward from that point and learn from those mistakes.

And I’m a very very lucky man that she’s still here!! That I learn a lessons and yet still we moved forward together - I know that not a lot of people would get that chance!

[DJFins]

3 hours ago, glows said:

Isn’t the origin of your issues fearing authenticity? You are afraid of showing what you are. Conversely, now that you are honest, you’ve risked rejection and continue to be rejected. You’re living your worst nightmare and anxiety so as long as you recognize your fears and the origin you can change. Be patient with others and never push. 

The flip side of not fearing your own authentic self and being open/vulnerable and authentic in a relationship is to risk rejection ..and you are doing it! You are swimming. Keep swimming and stay calm. 

Yeah! Urn, I’m not often without words, but I don’t really know what to say to that! Yeah!

Be rejected for what you’re not or be rejected for what you are. The older I got the more and more I started to pick the former! But I guess it’s about building you’re own strength. I am stronger now!

I know 18/19 year old Dex wouldn’t cope with the situation I’m in now. I would have acted out, pushed back, stopped trying! But where I am now, I don’t feel like I need to do any of those things! I’m okay. That’s progress.

Does it still bother me? …..yeah, because I’m here aren’t I, writing this, thinking about it. I wish I could say it doesn’t bother me at all, but I’d be lying to myself if I did.

But it doesn’t bother me like it would have before. Her love is enough, and I’m stronger.

 

Thank you! Sincerely, thank you.

[Wiseman2]

True. She's going to confide in her people. Fact of life. Nothing wrong with that.

However as you both mature, you'll be able to resolve more things between the two of you.

[DJFins]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

True. She's going to confide in her people. Fact of life. Nothing wrong with that.

However as you both mature, you'll be able to resolve more things between the two of you.

For sure!

And she would be the first person to say that there’s things that, she now wishes she hadn’t said because in truth she didn’t mean them… But hindsight’s 20/20, and I think that’s just a reality from being together from so young. We’re growing up together. We’re getting better at it together. That’s the important thing.

[DJFins]

On 7/21/2021 at 1:13 AM, ShyViolet said:

You're only 24 now.  You first started dating her when you were 17.  You were a kid, and I'm sure you were immature.  The amount that young people grow, evolve and mature from the ages of 17 to 24 is tremendous.  Every time you are around her family and friends, just act polite and respectful.  That's it.  Don't put on a big show or do things just to try and make them like you.  Just act normal and respectful.  If they can't understand that you grew and matured since you were a selfish 17-year-old kid, and they are still going to hold past actions against you, well then that says a lot about them and that's their problem, not yours.  

Thank you!

And yeah I was young, we were young. I don’t think that’s an excuse, but for sure I had some growing up to do, and I’m a lot more emotionally mature now than I was at 17!!

Thank you!