Stop the insanity????

[curly]

Request for help - MM says he left W, but now can't deal with my emotions and mistrust while working through his issues with divorcing after 33 yrs of marriage. So, he's stated that we can't be together right now. Maybe in the future but is not asking me to wait. Says he knows he's taking a very big risk of losing me.

 

Since then, I've gone and done the crazy routine, driving by the house to see if he's there. Wait, don't judge. It's the not knowing if he made the whole thing up again (as he's done in the past) that's driving me crazy. I just have to know. So, my very sneaking suspicion is that he is back with W or never left in the 1st place. But he had me listen to phone conversations with his daughter (she was not aware that I was conferenced in). Who can pull this off? What woman is going to help this man deceive another woman that he's trying to keep on the line?

 

Anyway, I'm working like a detective at this point and I want to get to the truth. I know some of you might think I'm stupid or crazy for doing it but it's not going to change my mind. I've got to know.

 

Meanwhile, how do you keep yourself occupied and not obssess over what he's doing? Hmmmmm.... wait I think I just answered that question. By not trying to find him. OK.... but.....

 

I need to find a way to not live in unbearable pain all the time. We haven't spoken in a week. Yes, I know the drive by and looking for him is not keeping NC. I'll stop it in a couple of days. I just want to be certain of what's happening. I won't confront him and he won't know I'm there. I was in a car accident and I have a rental car that he's never seen.

 

Guess this question is better asked after I know the truth, but I'm going crazy right now. It hurts like h*ll.

[Hot Coco]

Curly,

 

This one has me completely scatching my head. It sounds like he ended it with you so why would it make ANY difference whether he really left or not. Ok, say he left and was telling you the truth. What will you do? He said he wants NC with you.

 

And what if he WAS lying. Then what will you do?

 

You see what I'm getting at? It makes NO difference one way or the other. Why do you want to know when the outcome is the same in both scenarios. Don't be obsessed about it. Try to distract yourself and do something different in your routine. Don't wast your precious time driving by, etc.

 

Good luck Curly. I don't really think I helped much but maybe you'll reconsider and not worry about whether he left or not.

[curly]

Yes, I see what you're saying & I'm not trying to be argumentative.... It's just that I think if I know the truth, I can look at the situation with open eyes. If he's telling the truth & he needs space from me, then I will respect that. But if he has pulled the wool over my eyes once again, I need to have that armor to protect myself because he'll be coming back at me again in a month or 2.

 

Again, not to get on a high horse, but your situation has been not physical with no possibility of being together. My MM has been doing this push / pull thing with me for so long, I don't know which way is up or down. He always shows back up in a week or a month, etc. I need the truth to protect myself.

 

It's not just a phone call or an email. It's seeing me and getting my defenses broken down once again with another story.

 

But I will consider your advice and I appreciate it.

 

If this forum isn't a deterent to anyone considering getting involved witha MM or MW, nothing will stop them. BTW - I found this forum about 2 mos. after meeting MM. I guess I was in too deep at that point and listened to every promise he made. We've been doing this for about 18 mos. It's nightmare.

[Katch22]

Hey Curly,

Well Girlfriend let me tell you are not the only one feeling a bit insane!!!

Trust me when I tell you I have gone that route and I drag all of my girlfriends down with me. It got to the point that not only I was doing drive byes but all of my girlfriends would look everytime they would drive by his house, but he lives on a main (drag) street in our little town and they would call me and report who vehicles were in the drive and when!!!! I will talk to ya later about it I just wanted you to know that your not alone, this type of situation starts to consume every asspect of your life right down to when your brushing your teeth in your brian you are replaying conversations you have had with M/M. Sound fimilar???? Talk to ya tonight.

 

BFN

Katch22

[fanou22]

How about you take a couple of weeks vacation and go somewhere very far where they don't have Internet and where you cannot make a call to the US.

 

Or if the vacation idea does not suit you, hire a PI.

[curly]

Well kids, I know. I didn't need to hire a PI. I know his routine and simply waited after work to see him come home. As I waited, I just knew I would see him. I had a drive by this afternoon and saw his car there. So, I had to know at that point, cause there is always the possibility that he left his car there and borrowed her's. So, I parked on the main street from his house and watched him get off the bus and walk home. I waited to see if he would leave but no. He's there.

 

I'm completely amazed at how he pulled all this stuff off. Who did he have me listening to? His daughter? Would he move back this quickly (again within a week?)? Why would she take him back? Why am I so gullible?

 

I just keep thinking that the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. That's where I want to be. Indifferent to him. I can't help thinking that he might come back with even more lies. That's why I had to know the truth right now. I can't believe the times he has called me hysterically crying, asking if it's too late, can we still be together. People I begged him to not leave me last Wed. night!!!!! And he cried then!!!!!

 

I'm in complete shock. This just happened 1.5 hours ago. My mouth won't even close, my jaw just keeps dropping. What a maniacal, scheming, manipulative, lying, cheating bast*rd!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Now, I'm left with the fallout of me. What is wrong with me that I believed so readily? How could I love someone like this?

 

Vacation: Great idea!!! Wish I could go, but I took 3 days off last week in the midst of the break-up. I don't have any days off. Oh, and to boot, I have an interview tomorrow morning for a promotion.

 

I could really use some words of encouragement. Katch22 - thanks for the companionship in our looneyness. I know it was extreme, but I had to know. And now I know. I will never contact him again. And when/if he contacts me, I think I might spring a trap. Catch him up in all his lies.

 

God, I hope he withers up like the old man he is and dies a horrible, lonely death. Then I will dance on his grave.

[TiredOfWaiting]

Oh Curly!

 

I know what you are feeling. You can see my posts on this forum. My MM dumped me AFTER his D.

 

We just dont want to see the wood for the trees. We dont want to believe that someone we devoted so much to could do this to us.

 

Well they can, and they did, and people hurt other people.

You have to let go somehow.

The only way I get through the weekends and the lonely nights are to do things for myself, keep busy, and I write in my journal.

When you go back after a few weeks and see how you repeat yourself, and the patterns, you WILL want to stop yourself from continuing in this way.

 

I think it was Lynnered who said about making yourself a prioity again.

You are wasting precious days and hours driving past his house and obsessing about this.

He obviously knows he has hurt you, and what is his reaction?

To clam up, run away, and let you deal with it on your own.

He is a coward (much like my exMM) and he cannot face you.

It is natural that you are mad as hell now.

You need to go through that stage.

And it wont stop there, you will have ups and downs.

I am in week 2 post breakup, and it is getting easier, until there is contact.

 

I can say that every contact with exMM just opens up the wounds again, so please maintain the no contact as much as you can in a small town.

 

Yes he probably will contact you again, with more lies.

But approach it as a negotiation.

Basically you need to start being honest with yourself - decide what YOU want, and I wouldnt let pride get in the way.

(My exMM is letting pride or ego get in the way of what could be a great relationship).

But you must have boundaries and decide what is an absolute deal-breakers.

And then stick to it.

 

Thats why the journal works for me - I keep track of the events, so that reality is not distorted by my feelings or his sweet-talking.

 

You will be so proud of yourself eventually that you have made it through this and you did it on your own (that doesnt mean you have to do it ALONE), and with integrity and dignity.

[Hot Coco]

Curly,

 

Your last 2 lines had me laughing. Well, I guess I was wrong in what I said to you. Sounds like you really got the closure and the answers (as painful as they may be) for you to move on.

 

But he'll probably come up with some kind of reason or explanation. Can you resist him then? And he'll try to lay a guilt trip on you.

 

I really like your line about the opposit of love being indifference. I hadn't ever really thought of that but I think it's true. After the anger fades, do you think you'll be indifferent? Because being angry is not being indifferent. Ironically, the anger still shows that you care. Well...something to think about anyway.

 

Hang in there!

[lust4life]

You don't need to KNOW what he is doing to get your life in a better place. YOU don't need to have anymore information than you already do.

 

He is married. (and has been for a long time)

 

He told you that he can't be with you.

 

You have been living insanely for HOW LONG?

 

 

Forget about his actions and think only of yours.

 

 

Do you want to me an OW? Do you want to do crazy things? If not, teach yourself not to do it, and then just don't. FORGET ABOUT WHAT HE IS UP TO. Forget about if he is pulling the wool over your eyes, because the bottom line is still the bottom line. Put that Armour on regardless and start living like you believe you want to , not invovled with any married men.

 

Simplify your thoughts, Purge all the unnecessary aspects and think only about your actions and if they take you to your goal.

[Katch22]

Hey lust4life,

I keep reading how you are able to give everyone advise on here especially when it's the ow talking about her pain, insanity, or just how it feels to go through this situation. So, I'm asking you what is your story where do you have any personal knowledge on these stories? Are you the om/ow or mm/mw. What is your creidentals on this??? Where are you coming from with all of this good advise with such a CONVICTION in your writing that your answers are the be all end all advise?? You need to walk in someone else's shoes before you can pass judgement. Yes, some of your advise sounds VERY logical but it's not completely practical when your in this type of situations.

And further more I would love to hear your stroy!!!

 

Look forward to reading about your story!!!

[curly]

for the words of encouragement. TiredofWaiting - I really appreciate your post. Feel like we're in the same boat.

 

Well, the shock has worn off a bit and reality is creeping in. My mind just doesn't want to accept that someone I love can do this. And then I think, wait, he is not the person I love. Not in reality. He put up lots of smoke and mirrors and I fell in love with an illusion. It's just that I miss that illusion. Pathetic, huh?

 

I'm doing OK today. Did really well in my interview, luckily. Cross your fingers... The hurt is starting to come back, though. I was really hoping that I could jump over that, but.... being human and having a heart (unlike MM), I guess I have to feel it.

[Quest2]

You so not have to walk in someone else's shoes to know right from wrong, someone close to you could or have been in this same situation, what's wrong with that, you post because you want advice good or bad it no big deal ,

Yes, some of your advise sounds VERY logical but it's not completely practical when your in this type of situations.

*It sounded to me like she was telling her to put her focus on herself, and not waste anymore of her time on MM,

[Quest2]

You don't have to walk in someone else's shoes to give advice someone close to you could or have been in this same situation, what's wrong with that, you post because you want advice good or bad it no big deal ,

Yes, some of your advise sounds VERY logical but it's not completely practical when your in this type of situations.

*It sounded to me like she was telling her to put her focus on herself, and not waste anymore of her time on MM,

[KAris112297]

No you cannot control the world. But you have to respect the marriage or the relationship.

 

If the woman asks you to step off you should. Out of respect. let the man deal with that problem first. Then he can deal with you and you guys can find happiness together.

 

Sometimes a man needs to see this affects someone else, not just him and the other woman. And that person is some one he either made vows to or professed to love. And that means they deserve respect. From him and definately from the other woman(who should have some sympathy).

 

-KAris

[KAris112297]

There are no guarentees...thats a universal truth, at least in terms of relationships. Especially considering evolving needs and revelations that occur over time when 2 people are in a relationship.

 

And your right, you do not have to do anything you do not want to. I think my point is, that if a man and a woman, a married couple especially are in a situation where they are dealing with problems throwing a proverbial monkey wrench in the middle isn't very respectful. Of anyone. I do not blame the OW, or OM, the couple has issues they need to come to terms with them deal with them, reconcile or break up.

 

Anyway...I know I am ranting. I know love works its magic when it will. Its powers work on those when they least expect it and often at awkward times. You have to go with it..because mostly it won't be denied. But I think throwing oneself into a couples problems is not a good thing. Especially when all a couple is trying to do is figure out where there love has gone...and find it, fix it and heal.

 

-KAris(ranter)

[curly]

My heart is crushed. The pain has come back with such full force. I'm just trying to breathe through it. I'm meditating as well. But sleep is difficult. And then waking up in the morning is even more difficult. It's like once I get into that dreamstate that I don't have to think about it, I don't want to come out.

 

I have had NC with him since Wednesday, 10/12. So that puts me into day 9. However, I've been doing the drive by still. My mind continues to want to make up excuses. I know it seems like torture but I've got to get my heart and my mind to agree that I've been played. He did not love me nor does he even care truly about me. I was his playtoy and his vacation girl. Some one to play with when the monotany and boredom of his life got to him.

 

It's very difficult to not contact and just scream at him. I want to make his life miserable. But I can't do that can I? I don't really matter. Obviously, my feelings are not important to him. I'm trying to see him in the light he should be seen in. It's just so hard to turn that corner when you love so deeply. Your heart just won't believe that you could love someone so evil, so devious, so cavalier with your heart. I gave it so freely with no reservations. It felt so right. What kind of fool am I?

[OldEurope]

Your heart just won't believe that you could love someone so evil, so devious, so cavalier with your heart. I gave it so freely with no reservations. It felt so right. What kind of fool am I?

 

 

But Dear, dear Curly....Of COURSE your heart should believe that you could fall for someone like that..evil, devious...Is there anywhere a great and gorgeous heroine of opera, Greek tragedy, literature, who did NOT fall in love with some dashing cad?? You are being too hard on yourself, and just do an Edith Piaf and say to yourself, "But I have lived!" You are living through romantic pain, and it simply is so. You took the plunge in, it was refreshing then it felt like drowning, now coming up for air--you want to regain your breath and be on solid land. You, my dear, have been a vixen and so join the rest of the History of the Female! Or remember the words uttered to Elizabeth Taylor (talk about OW) by her aunt in "National Velvet": "Every life should have one great, grand folly"

[TryingToUnderstand]

O.K. - I promised myself I would not post outside of the thread that I started here, but I feel I have a somewhat valid point to make on the subject. So take it for what it's worth!

 

Curly- I know EXACTLY where you are right now. It completely sucks. You are determined to find out the truth! I've been there. That's my insanity everyday. Being lied to, in my opinion, is the worst. Once you find out about a lie from someone you love, the truth becomes all consuming! I feel for you. I'd love to tell you "just let it go. move on, etc." but I know how ridiculous it is to say that. You can't. You've been lied to. And you deserve the truth.

 

I understand that my morals do not have to be my H's morals, but he knows my position MORALLY on this issue (I made it very clear when we were dating that cheating is an absolute deal breaker and I find it morally wrong). If he IS in fact cheating on me, then isn't he imposing his morals (or lack-thereof from my standpoint) on ME? If he wants to fool around with lots of women or anyone other than me and have sex with anyone he chooses, that's fine. But then let me out of this marriage. I didn't ask for his immorality to be thrust into my life without my knowledge. And please don't tell me that what I don't know shouldn't hurt me. You know what? I don't know who he's sleeping with! I don't know what diseases he could be bringing home to me and my children! If you want to live by whatever morality you have come up with FINE! But please don't impose it on me without my knowledge.

 

Nuff said - i'll go back to my own thread now.