wonderingandwaiting Posted July 19, 2021 Posted July 19, 2021 Been dating a man for over 4 months and we enjoy each other’s company but his behavior sometimes is unsettling in terms of how he feels about me. In particular, he has never invited me to his home (even though he lives in the area and is always at my home); we only see each other only Saturday nights and he leaves Sunday AM for work in the afternoon; he works on Sundays but doesn’t need the money and once told me he only does this b/c he has no one “special” to spend that day with; he has never given me any flowers, cards or gifts, my bday is next week and I’ve brought it up a few times but he has never asked me to spend that day with me or the weekend before or after and go to dinner, etc. I also brought up that if we are in a relationship (which he agreed that we are), we should see each other 2x/week in general. I also asked him to call me instead of texting all the time. Basically, told him I don’t feel special at all to him even though I make him feel special all the time, which he acknowledged. Also said I can be patient with him as long as I am not investing my time and effort into something not worth it in the long run (I asked him his goal in this regard and he said he wants to come home to his partner and has been waiting for the “right person”). I brought the above up to him last weekend and all I got in terms of a reply is that he enjoys spending time with me and I am his girlfriend in his mind (I asked him am I a FWB or a girlfriend, even though he has never introduced me as the same). I asked for more of a response and he said, “I have to digest everything you said; I’m not as quick as you”. He also brought up something about his parents’ loveless marriage and that he tells himself that shouldn’t influence him anymore since he is an adult (he is already 56 years old!). He’s been married and divorced twice (each one only lasting about 5 years each). Well, it’s been 24 hours and other than some general texts. Nothing like “I do care about you”; “you are special”, nothing…. He is going with me to my daughter's wedding in 2 months and seems excited about that trip (of course, I'm paying for everything but he's taking me to dinner 1 night). Is there any hope with this guy? I’m in my 60s and time is short. Is he just not a relationship kind of guy despite his statements to the contrary?
smackie9 Posted July 19, 2021 Posted July 19, 2021 What I hear is a lot of dodging and giving excuses. Shady be shady. GF or wife might be living at his place. 5
Miss Spider Posted July 19, 2021 Posted July 19, 2021 (edited) So what reasoning does give for not inviting you to his home? Is his house super messy? Does he live with someone else? Red flags here for days based on what you said , but I think he likes the status quo, low commitment, doing his thing, on his terms. What’s he got to lose? In his mind, you can take that or peace out. Edited July 19, 2021 by Cookiesandough 3
stillafool Posted July 19, 2021 Posted July 19, 2021 What exactly are you getting out of this acquaintance other than breadcrums? Definitely don't waste anymore time with him he's not into it. Sorry. 1
ShyViolet Posted July 19, 2021 Posted July 19, 2021 31 minutes ago, wonderingandwaiting said: He is going with me to my daughter's wedding in 2 months and seems excited about that trip (of course, I'm paying for everything but he's taking me to dinner 1 night). Don't let someone play you for a fool. It would be a huge mistake to make plans to take this guy to your daughter's wedding. I don't even think this relationship will still be intact in 2 months. This guy either doesn't care much about you, or he's hiding something. I get a major feeling that hiding another girlfriend.... why else would he never invite you to his place, and not be seeing you very often? Please have more respect for yourself than to settle for this. 2
Wiseman2 Posted July 19, 2021 Posted July 19, 2021 36 minutes ago, wonderingandwaiting said: he has never invited me to his home he is already 56 years old. He’s been married and divorced twice I’m in my 60s and time is short. Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately there are multiple red flags and it's clear why anyone would be unhappy with this arrangement. Sadly you are wasting your time on someone like this. Stop chasing him begging for morsels of decency and respect. Stop letting him stay at your home. Most of all if you feel life is short, v cut your losses. What do your friends and family think of this or are you embarrassed to admit you are settling for this?
introverted1 Posted July 19, 2021 Posted July 19, 2021 47 minutes ago, wonderingandwaiting said: Been dating a man for over 4 months and we enjoy each other’s company but his behavior sometimes is unsettling in terms of how he feels about me. In particular, he has never invited me to his home (even though he lives in the area and is always at my home) Why haven't you been to his home? Quote we only see each other only Saturday nights Why don't you see each other on weeknights or some other time when he isn't working? Quote He is going with me to my daughter's wedding in 2 months and seems excited about that trip (of course, I'm paying for everything but he's taking me to dinner 1 night). Why are you paying for his expenses? Quote Is he just not a relationship kind of guy despite his statements to the contrary? Actions > words. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted July 19, 2021 Posted July 19, 2021 No, he's defintely not a relationship person. (Unless he's already in one, and I don't mean with you)
norealusername Posted July 19, 2021 Posted July 19, 2021 Agree with everyone. Forget this guy and dump him. He has no serious intentions. He might have another girlfriend, whatever it is, he simply doesn't want to spend a lot of time with you.
Kai_Kai Posted July 21, 2021 Posted July 21, 2021 On 7/19/2021 at 3:04 PM, wonderingandwaiting said: Been dating a man for over 4 months and we enjoy each other’s company but his behavior sometimes is unsettling in terms of how he feels about me. In particular, he has never invited me to his home (even though he lives in the area and is always at my home); we only see each other only Saturday nights and he leaves Sunday AM for work in the afternoon; he works on Sundays but doesn’t need the money and once told me he only does this b/c he has no one “special” to spend that day with; he has never given me any flowers, cards or gifts, my bday is next week and I’ve brought it up a few times but he has never asked me to spend that day with me or the weekend before or after and go to dinner, etc. I also brought up that if we are in a relationship (which he agreed that we are), we should see each other 2x/week in general. I also asked him to call me instead of texting all the time. Basically, told him I don’t feel special at all to him even though I make him feel special all the time, which he acknowledged. Also said I can be patient with him as long as I am not investing my time and effort into something not worth it in the long run (I asked him his goal in this regard and he said he wants to come home to his partner and has been waiting for the “right person”). I brought the above up to him last weekend and all I got in terms of a reply is that he enjoys spending time with me and I am his girlfriend in his mind (I asked him am I a FWB or a girlfriend, even though he has never introduced me as the same). I asked for more of a response and he said, “I have to digest everything you said; I’m not as quick as you”. He also brought up something about his parents’ loveless marriage and that he tells himself that shouldn’t influence him anymore since he is an adult (he is already 56 years old!). He’s been married and divorced twice (each one only lasting about 5 years each). Well, it’s been 24 hours and other than some general texts. Nothing like “I do care about you”; “you are special”, nothing…. He is going with me to my daughter's wedding in 2 months and seems excited about that trip (of course, I'm paying for everything but he's taking me to dinner 1 night). Is there any hope with this guy? I’m in my 60s and time is short. Is he just not a relationship kind of guy despite his statements to the contrary? As you said it, time in short. Whether you're in your 60s, 20s, 30s...no one deserves to have their time wasting. The good thing is, you're only 4 months in, you can easily cut ties. 2
d0nnivain Posted July 21, 2021 Posted July 21, 2021 A 56 year old man who has been married 2x knows how to court a woman. He came of age in a time before texting. He's giving you the bare minimum because that is how much he values you. Period. 3
spiderowl Posted July 22, 2021 Posted July 22, 2021 (edited) Sorry, but he sounds half-hearted. He doesn't do anything unless prompted. Now that you have put him on the spot about something, he is dithering and you are on tenterhooks, waiting ... If you stay with this guy, you are always going to have to push him onwards. He has been married twice before: this could mean he has lots of experience and has not managed to keep either relationship; or it could mean that he has been married before and he doesn't want to go there again. I think, if pushed, he'll say something akin to the right thing, but won't otherwise. It sounds like you are getting this feeling. You know, I think you deserve someone who takes your feelings into account, not just his own. Edited July 22, 2021 by spiderowl
BaileyB Posted July 23, 2021 Posted July 23, 2021 On 7/19/2021 at 3:03 PM, ExpatInItaly said: No, he's defintely not a relationship person. (Unless he's already in one, and I don't mean with you) This, exactly.
Blue Sea Posted July 24, 2021 Posted July 24, 2021 He sounded like a jerk. He isn't interested in you at all. Hanging out with you was just to kill his boredom. You shouldn't bring someone who aren't serious with you to attend such an important event & it's quite silly to pay for the trip for him. He is like taking you for granted in this "relationship". Don't waste any more time & efforts in him. Spend your money on yourself instead.
glows Posted July 24, 2021 Posted July 24, 2021 The only thing that stands out as unusual is that he hasn’t invited you over. Does he live with family or elderly parents? Does he have kids still living with him and isn’t ready to introduce you? You’ve only been dating for four months but you’re looking for flowers, gifts and cards? Aside from your birthday, what other occasion are these for? When you say he acknowledged what you’ve said, what did he say? I think his “no one special” comment to spend Sundays with are an insecure person’s way of fishing for security and affirmation. He is an insecure man, childhood issues or parents’ loveless marriage or whatever problems he has. He is not saying that you’re not special. He doesn’t believe he deserves anyone special. He has issues. He works on Sundays but surely you aren’t expecting him to quit a job or rearrange his work schedule based on four months of dating? End it by all means but I think some of your requests are demanding. Both of you are incompatible. I also think he’s emotionally insecure. You want to spend whole weekends with someone special while he doesn’t have that available. I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect someone to rearrange their current schedule for a new girlfriend or lose a portion of their job. Be more direct and ask him to spend your birthday with you and ask him to plan something nice if that’s what you want. Happy birthday, by the way.
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