Stuck between a rock and hard place

[littlebitalone]

Hi there. So, I started dating my boyfriend about a year and a half ago. We are long distance (different countries) and this has been an issue for me for about half of this time. We have talked about it many times and I would be more than happy to relocate, but his current living situation is not ideal. He lives in his mom's house and pays very little rent. As far as I can tell (because he's not the most open person in the world), he did some messed up things in his 20s, got his sh*t together in his early 30s and only recently (about a year ago) started working at this job which he loves and it's a good job. He has yet to move out. Most of the time I bring this up, he states he has no financial means to move out and is waiting for his mom's house to be sold so he could take over one of her apartments (the town where they live is super expensive) - she also has apartments she rents out. The house is on sale and from what I can tell - they both want it to be sold as soon as possible. He claims that finding a place on our own would be mission impossible (very expensive). 

Both me and my bf are in our early 30s and I have found it increasingly difficult to accept that every time I visit my bf, I have to prepare for constant communication with his mom (as it is HER house). I am 30 plus years old and the idea of my bf's or my own parents around all the time - doesn't appeal to me. She is cordial with me (I wouldn't say we were best friends - we are very different people), she's never been rude to me or anything -  but there is no connection. She drives me places and she bought me a present for my birthday - which was very nice of her and I am grateful for it - but most of the time when we talk - I don't have a feeling we are connecting on any level, not to mention she is the only person in my bf's life who hasn't already asked me what our future plans were (not blaming her for it, maybe my bf asked her not to). My problem is not so much with his mom (because why would it be), but with my bf. He is sweet, supportive about my anxiety, respectful of my boundaries, and in all other aspects he's a good partner - but his relationship with his mom has become an issue. I feel he's obsessed with pleasing her to the point where I feel I am looking at a child and not a grown man. I understand she has helped him out a lot, but it's just got to a point where whenever she's around it's all about making her happy, buying her gifts (he didn't get me anything for my bday, Christmas.....), doing everything she asks of him - and since they live together - I see it ALL THE TIME.

Now...to the actual problem. My bf's parents are divorced and his dad remarried the woman he left my bf's mother for(as you can imagine - it was a messy situation). This happened about 15 years ago - so a long time ago. I can tell my bf never really got over it and still has a lot of resentment for his dad. But every time I visit my bf, we go and hang out with his dad for a short time and I have kind of befriended the second wife. I wouldn't say we were super close, but intellectually we are quite compatible, we discuss politics and science, and my potential life in this new country as she has taken an interest in me. Every time we hang out, it's the four of us(the 2nd wife, dad, bf and me) - but I recently got a message from the woman asking me to have a girl's day out with her. I already asked my bf and he said I could do what I want, but he also said his mom would probably be uncomfortable. I had a feeling he wasn't too happy about it.

Now, my dilemma is: I really like the 2nd wife, she's been nothing but nice and helpful to me and I sense no foul play there. In fact, I had met her before I met my bf or anyone else from that family and we had spoken for hours (it was an anniversary party, that's how I met my bf), so I do think we genuinely get along. Also, if I move to this country I won't be able to avoid her indefinitely, and why should I? I enjoy her company. But then again, I don't want to cause any issues with my bf's mom who objectively hasn't done anything wrong to me or cause any strains in my relationship. I don't want to back down on my own wishes, but also want to be respectful to my bf and his mom.

Any thoughts on what I should do?

Thank you in advance,

L.

[d0nnivain]

The 1st thing you do is take a long hard look at the apron strings tying your 30+ year old BF firmly to his mommy.  They will never be cut.  Whether this house is sold or not, she will always be in your relationship & marriage.  You are dating a man child.  That is further evidence by his petulant response to your budding friendship with his step mom.  

This whole thing seems untenable to me.  There is no way I'd change countries for a person like this.  He's not a good prospect, IMO

[basil67]

Your boyfriend is concerned about his mom's reaction.  Now I'm sure you've got the good sense to not tell his mom....so does this mean that your boyfriend would be talking about this with her?  And if so, why would he tell her stuff which a) isnt any of her business and b) is likely to hurt her.     I'd put this question to your boyfriend.  

 

 

[Wiseman2]

Does he ever visit you and your family?

[littlebitalone]

21 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Does he ever visit you and your family?

Since I work remotely and he doesn't (he HAS to be at work), I tend to visit him more than the other way around. (one of the reasons I want to move asap is the fortune I would save on plane tickets) But he has visited me and spent time with my folks for a few days in a row, he's nice to them and vice versa, but we never stayed with them since their place is rather small. we usually stay at a friend's empty place or do air bnb when he's visiting me. Luckily we have been able to see each other quite a bit during the pandemic. 

[littlebitalone]

32 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Your boyfriend is concerned about his mom's reaction.  Now I'm sure you've got the good sense to not tell his mom....so does this mean that your boyfriend would be talking about this with her?  And if so, why would he tell her stuff which a) isnt any of her business and b) is likely to hurt her.     I'd put this question to your boyfriend.  

 

 

Might have to

[littlebitalone]

41 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

The 1st thing you do is take a long hard look at the apron strings tying your 30+ year old BF firmly to his mommy.  They will never be cut.  Whether this house is sold or not, she will always be in your relationship & marriage.  You are dating a man child.  That is further evidence by his petulant response to your budding friendship with his step mom.  

This whole thing seems untenable to me.  There is no way I'd change countries for a person like this.  He's not a good prospect, IMO

Yeah, I get what you're saying and I really hope this is not the case as in all other aspects me and my bf get along really well. I am hoping he'll move out as soon as the house is sold and we can try living together and seeing if it would work. Making any finite decisions based on a long distance relationship would seem rushed to me and I am not bound by work in my country (my work is mostly online), so no great sacrifices there. His mom doesn't seem like the meddling kind (which is what intrigues me) but once we live together I will set some boundaries and see if he can respect them. If not, that's fine, but at least I've tried. I do love him and he loves me too so I do hope we stay together.

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, littlebitalone said:

. we usually stay at a friend's empty place or do air bnb when he's visiting me. 

Do you live with your parents also?

[littlebitalone]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Do you live with your parents also?

No, I don't. When he visits me in the town where I live we stay at my place. When we visit my parent's town (which is very touristy), that's when we stay at an airbnb or a friend's place.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, littlebitalone said:

I feel he's obsessed with pleasing her to the point where I feel I am looking at a child and not a grown man. I understand she has helped him out a lot, but it's just got to a point where whenever she's around it's all about making her happy, buying her gifts (he didn't get me anything for my bday, Christmas.....)

There are more problems here than his step-mom befriending you. 

[littlebitalone]

13 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

There are more problems here than his step-mom befriending you. 

I have spoken to him about the present thing and he has gotten slightly better. I never talked about it in the context of you can buy sth for your mum and not for me, but I did complain, he did listen and since then it's been better. As for his behaviour around his mom, I just hope once we are alone things will get better. I'm sure a lot of people have less than conventional relationships with their parents, but because they don't live together they are not as noticeable. 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, littlebitalone said:

I have spoken to him about the present thing and he has gotten slightly better.

When you have to teach a 30-year-old man how to have a girlfriend....oh, boy. Has he never dated before? 

I can actually speak from experience on a parent and their adult child living together. My partner's elderly mother lives with him. It's not really the done thing here (in Italy) to put parents in senior's homes, so he took her in some years ago to help care for her. They have no other family members who were able to do so, and fortunately my partner already owned his own house that was big enough to accommodate her. 

They have maintained reasonable boundaries with each other. It can be done, when that's what both parties want. 

Edited July 18, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[littlebitalone]

7 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

When you have to teach a 30-year-old man how to have a girlfriend....oh, boy. Has he never dated before? 

I can actually speak from experience on a parent and their adult child living together. My partner's elderly mother lives with him. It's not really the done thing here (in Italy) to put parents in senior's homes, so he took her in some years ago to help care for her. They have no other family members who were able to do so, and fortunately my partner already owned his own house that was big enough to accommodate her. 

They have maintained reasonable boundaries with each other. It can be done, when that's what both parties want. 

He did have a long-term relationship before. I just think most of his efforts are going into keeping his mom happy (a weird mixture of your regular child's love for their parent and a huge sense of responsibility for her). As I said, he messed up majorly in his 20s (irresponsible behavior) and she got him out of it. So I get being grateful, but he is 30 plus years old, plus he does not come from a culture where multiple generations normally live together. I, for example, do. I grew up in such a household and it put an immense strain on my parent's marriage. His mom is healthy, in her early 60s, living her best life, still working. I get that some time in the future we might have to help out more, but I need that period of living alone with my partner, especially since I think HE needs it even more. 

[glows]

You both have to try to come to an understanding, some timeline of when you move out, if you do move in with both of them. He’s making up for not having a man around the house since his father left. It’s a child stepping into a husband’s role. It’s very strange and disconcerting if you have had two parents all your life or haven’t seen this before. My ex-husband constantly was torn between his mother’s addictions and other needs, caring for her as his father left when he was two, and living his own life. This meant a regularly depressed and stressed out person who couldn’t hold it together in the end. The good part is that you both are neither married nor have children. And it doesn’t sound like there are addictions or other issues. 

My advice to you if you move is to make sure you have savings and/or continue having your source or sources of income. Do not give up everything for this much uncertainty and unfamiliarity. Consider a one or two year trial period and gauge or see whether your partner and you remain on the same page or whether he continues to be confused, stuck, stagnating or not growing as you are in a relationship or as people. 

His father’s second wife is the least of your concerns. Do you suffer a lot over what others think of you? If you’re moving to a new place resist all that. Don’t offend anyone but certainly do live your life as you see fit. People will find every reason to resist change and point out flaws and mistakes and find offence if they are that type who’s insecure and argumentative. Enjoy your new life if you go but always have a plan B and be financially secure on your own.
 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, littlebitalone said:

he messed up majorly in his 20s (irresponsible behavior) 

Does he have drug, drinking or legal problems?

Why would you drop everything and move to this unhappy situation with an irresponsible man and conflicted family?

Why not consider dating local men from betters families?Why waste money on airfare for all this drama?

[littlebitalone]

58 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Does he have drug, drinking or legal problems?

Why would you drop everything and move to this unhappy situation with an irresponsible man and conflicted family?

Why not consider dating local men from betters families?Why waste money on airfare for all this drama?

No, he doesn't. It was mostly living outside of his means and getting into huge amounts of debt his mom ended up paying off. He doesn't have substance abuse problem, at least from what I can tell and we spend a lot of time together. I feel we all make mistakes and no family is perfect, they're all kind of nice to me - there is a cultural gap which I am very aware of, but apart from the mom-relationship thing, I have no real issues with him. When I have sth to say, he really listens and as a highly anxious person I can appreciate the fact he is understanding and is helping me with my anxiety. I am also a little bit on the heavier side and he's never made me feel bad about it. I am not dropping anything, I never wanted to stay in my country and yes, his probably wouldn't have been my first choice, but as I said, professionally speaking I can live almost anywhere so I'm good. I have made a decision in my head and my heart I will wait until the end of the year to see how things progress as he told me he should be in his own place until then. His mom wants to move out of town, which I feel would give us some space. If by the end of the year I see no progress, I will ask him to move out of the house and we can try to find something together. If he refuses - there's my answer. I love him, but I love me more. That said, any other thoughts on my second wife date?:) I've said yes. Don't feel bad about it. 

[ExpatInItaly]

44 minutes ago, littlebitalone said:

That said, any other thoughts on my second wife date?:)

I think it was lovely of her to arrange this.  I would have accepted too. 

The only way his mom will be uncomfortable with this is if your boyfriend shares it with her, which would make him an imbecile for not having more discretion. 

[chillii]

On 7/19/2021 at 12:36 AM, littlebitalone said:

He did have a long-term relationship before. I just think most of his efforts are going into keeping his mom happy (a weird mixture of your regular child's love for their parent and a huge sense of responsibility for her). As I said, he messed up majorly in his 20s (irresponsible behavior) and she got him out of it. So I get being grateful, but he is 30 plus years old, plus he does not come from a culture where multiple generations normally live together. I, for example, do. I grew up in such a household and it put an immense strain on my parent's marriage. His mom is healthy, in her early 60s, living her best life, still working. I get that some time in the future we might have to help out more, but I need that period of living alone with my partner, especially since I think HE needs it even more. 

 

l'm surprised noone's pointed it out but apart from gratefulness, sounds like he's stuck by his mum over the yrs too bc she's left alone while the dad's doing just fine . Also a big part of why it'd be kinda awkward and in a way a little hurtful to his mum you being too close to his dads partner. Often a son or daughter stands by and support the one left alone . Just saying that'll be part of it  too and especially as she's helped him through his own crap. But she's also holding the purse strings too and he wants those , cheap rent and an apartment later. Of course he loves his mum a lot too but cheap living is cheap living to some. And he'd be well aware it;ll all be his too when she passes.

Could you handle living in one of the apartments later ? Doesn't sound like he'd move away from that. Could you handle him being so close to his mum too ? Don't think that'll change either.

Edited July 24, 2021 by chillii

[Wiseman2]

On 7/18/2021 at 1:20 PM, littlebitalone said:

, I will ask him to move out of the house and we can try to find something together. 

It's important to reflect if he just wants another place to plug in the umbilical cord.

[Lotsgoingon]

15 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's important to reflect if he just wants another place to plug in the umbilical cord.

Dang, Wiseman! Have you copyrighted this phrase? I wanna steal it and pass it off as my own insightful wit: another place to plug in the umbilical cord.

Dang! That's great and relevant and insightful here!