Any advice on my breakup

[Jordan12345]

Hello, 

I’m looking for some advice and input as I am having a really tough time with my breakup me and my ex where together for just about 6 years and had our ups and downs like any other couples however the overall relationship was very good. I became very close with her entire family and we were progressing to moving in with each other looking to purchase a place together and I was proposing in a few months already had the ring. She had finally started her dream job about a month ago and right when she got the job her mood and personality changed to a point where I noticed it she started to become more distance.. short tempered and less focused on us and more focused on her. As I noticed I became a bit concerned and starting asking her if everything was okay and she expressed she was stressed out with the new job, school(for masters) and family life and she would be fine. As the weeks went on she become more distance less phone calls and less time for me so I finally came out and asked her if she was happy and wanted to be together, she advised she was not and wanted to talk in person. We met up and she ended things stating that she has so much love for me but is unsure if she is “in love” with me .. I was of course devastated as I was looking to spend my life with this woman. After some self reflection  I understood why she started losing attraction .. when we first met i was 180lbs and in amazing shape as a personal trainer .. and I had let myself go .. she had expressed multiple times that I should get back in shape and that she had started to lose physical attraction throughout the relationship because of my weight gain. That had a play on my mental health as well as I had not been the same confident motivated guy I have always been.. to add on the stress of my final year of college and just recently starting my own business is was safe to say that I had lost focus of prioritizing her as well. After the break up her family had reached out to check on me and I kept it basic and waited a day before contacting her again(mistake one) I had stated that I would really like to try and fix this as we had spent so much time together and how much I loved her .. she apologized and stated that it was not something that could be forced. I then waited two days before asking her to meet up again in person.. we met at a coffee shop and I had a long note that I read to her off my phone stating all the things that I knew I could improve and how I lost myself .. It took me two days to write it and as I was reading it looking into her eyes she seemed very cold and not herself.. she was crying and sad but it wasn’t an I’m sad we are not together it was a I’m sad that you’re not happy. I expressed everything and told her that we owe it to ourselves to really give us another try and that sometimes it takes losing the person you love to put things in perspective she advised she didnt know what the future held but as of now she needed to focus on school, work and herself .. we hugged and i told her to contact me if her feelings changed. A day later I had a friend call me stating that he saw her out with another guy .. I was in full shock in disbelief as we broke up less than a week ago .. Fully forgetting that we shared each others location on our iPhones I had checked to see what she was up too (big mistake I know) she was at a restaurant and my intuition said that she must be on a date with someone else. I felt so betrayed as if our relationship meant nothing to her I couldn’t even look in another woman’s direction and she was already out to dinner? I tried to forget about and went out with some friend (one person was her cousin my best friend) and we had a few drinks trying to distract myself .. i then checked it again at the end of the night and she was at a random house (4 mins from my house) i was assuming she was at his place.. I told her cousin that I would like to go there and see it for myself (now i know now this was a terrible idea however with a little LQ and my emotions running high i had to do it in that moment) as I was driving there her location changed to the back of a high school parking lot .. I lost my damn mind as you know nothing good happens in a dark parking lot at 10pm .. I drove there got out of the car and confronted them very upset .. I hit the window (did not break) and expressed how betrayed i felt seeing her with him .. I said 6 years and this is how i get repaid .. after a few minutes of yelling I drove home hurt like never before .. i texted her a few times with the generic texts of how could you .. I thought you loved me .. etc .. Her parents called me as I said they were like my parents and they were very upset that I did that as she was crying and upset. In hindsight I know i was wrong for going there but love makes you do stupid s*** .. and i just couldn’t believe she would move on so fast after our whole relationship and future plans. I later found out from a mutual friend that he was a co worker and they had met at work .. i still dont know how serious it was or what was happening but i felt almost as if i was cheated on because there is no way they weren’t getting close while we were still together and that she left me for him. I’m just not sure what to do at this point .. 50% of me is very mad at her and never wants to speak to her again .. the other 50% still loves her and wants her back .. she blocked me on social media after that but left our phone #’s not blocked .. i sent her a long text after the fact apologizing for my immature behavior as I should have no went there and caused a scene but let her know that I was very hurt by her actions and felt a pain I didnt think i could get to. She didn’t reply so I didn’t message her again .. I think the biggest part is that I dont want to leave it like this as we had so many good memories and she really was the love of my life .. I have read that no contact for 30-45 days will make her miss me and let her cool down from the situation.. she has always been a bit stubborn so I’m not sure if she would even reach back out to me .. so I’m not sure if i should message her after the 30 days? I really do want to try and fix things with her .. right now I’m working on myself getting in better shape again and focusing on my career but i can not get her out of my mind as we spent almost every day together for so long. I don’t know if i caused too much damage or if she will eventually be able to see my side and that I acted out of emotion in the specific situation.. I’m sure she a little upset that she got caught as well. Any advice, feedback, etc would be very beneficial as my friends and family are bias saying that i deserve better.. give it time .. etc .. I do have a lot of self respect but I know i played a major role in this breakup as well and just dont want it to be the end. 

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Jordan12345 said:

I have read that no contact for 30-45 days will make her miss me and let her cool down from the situation.

Sorry this happened. Definitely go no contact, but not to get her back, but for yourself to reflect in peace.

[glows]

You are really out of control and need to be more stern with yourself or you’ll end up with a restraining order or arrested. Stop reacting to all your emotions. She may have hurt or betrayed you but right now you’re doing yourself a huge disservice.

Remove the location on/off feature or turn it off, step away from your phone. Don’t answer or talk to any of her family members or friends. Start focusing on your own life. She’s not coming back especially after your terrifying and abusive confrontation. Leave her alone. Move forwards and put this behind you. 

[d0nnivain]

She lost feelings before she told you so it's been longer for her that the relationship is over.  You are left blind-sided.  Here you were taking steps to propose, to spend the rest of your life with her while she was working toward walking out the door. 

It wasn't about your weight or your mental health.  It was about the next phase of her life -- getting her dream job & working toward her masters.   She started to see life as bigger with more opportunities.  Her college sweetheart seemed like he was holding her back by comparison. 

Do turn that location feature off if you haven't already.  Disconnecting on social media & going NC is your best bet.  Not sure how you handle her cousin being your BFF but hopefully he will be sensitive enough not to update you about her.  You need space now to lick your wounds & grieve your loss.  There  is no sense in reaching out in 30 days.  She won't have changed her mind.  She thought about this before she ended things.  It's still new & unbelievable to you.  

Take a few days & wallow.  Cry if you need to get it out.  Indulge in your favorite comfort foods.  

Next step when you are ready start to purge.  Gather up the mementos.  Put them in a box.  Download your pictures onto a thumb drive.  Put that in the box.  Once you have gathered up everything, tape the box closed . . I mean go to town, round & round. Seal that thing so it's a real p.i.t.a. to re-open.  Then stuff the box in the attic or the deepest closet.  

Make some changes -- new hair cut, new clothes.  Change up your living space so it doesn't remind you of her.  Find some new hangouts.  Don't go to places you used to go to together.  

Keep active.  Work out.  If you used to be a trainer you know the value of exercise & the endorphins that are released.  Throw yourself into your new business.  Now is the time to double down on making that work.  It's a great place to spend all your new free time.  

Surround yourself with supportive people.  

In time you will reach a sense of peace & balance again but it will take time.  

[TeddyBundy1993]

Well to be blunt she was seeing this guy behind your back and did left you to be with him.  It seems like this has become a regular thing nowadays. I really don't know what's the reason she left you for but friend she's gone forever and for what she has done to you,  you should not even look in her direction again. 

No contact for 30 days to get her back ? Please leave this delusional idea, even if she comes back Don't take her back anyway. No contact is to move on and to deal with the initial phase of break up, train yourself into a new life. To leave behind the past. It happens to the best of us, trust me. She was done with you long ago that's why it's so easy for her. And you were blind sided, sooner you realize she's gone for forever and good you will get out of it soon. If you keep stalking her locations her whereabouts this bloody hope of reconciliation will bury you further. I know you don't wanna hear it but that's the truth and focus on your own life now. She doesn't give a s*** about you anymore friend.  She is not the person you knew, she's a different person now. Hugs mate, I have been there and it's no less then death, this pain gets unbearable at times but so is life. I hope everything goes well for you, it's not the end. There will be a new day, perhaps happy days again.

[ShyViolet]

Leave this woman alone.  Do not try to contact her again or try to get her back.... she has already made it crystal clear that she is done with you.  Accept it and keep some dignity.  Crawling on your hands and knees in desperation, begging someone to take you back is not a good look.  And it rarely works.

[Stromae]

As others have said anything you do at this point beyond no contact means you “lose” and only put yourself in worse position

It sucks and is really hard but the only option at this point is to move forward.  Some day, if you proceed with no contact, she may possibly come back to at least offer an apology but don’t necessarily count on it. Ultimately you have to decide, if the day comes, why you want to be back with someone who would show you and your relationship that level of disrespect.