Dating someone who cooled off do I tell them how I feel

[Comicstar100]

I was seeing a girl for a few months. She cooled off and started to break dates. I stopped contact with her about a month ago. She is all I think about and all I want to do is admit to her how I feel.  I would like to just say this is what I want if your interested contact me. But she isn't dumb and I'm sure clearly knows how I feel. The last couple times I tried to make a date she said gave excuses and never threw out alternate dates. But part of me does feel like it could give me closure by admitting how I feel. But the other  feels like it just burns a bridge and I should just man up and continue to just move on, no contact no matter how bad it hurts.  What is your advice. Does it  do any good to be straight forward and say how I feel or at this moment is there no point?

Edited July 17, 2021 by Comicstar100
Mistyped

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Comicstar100 said:

She cooled off and started to break dates. I stopped contact with her about a month ago. 

Were you exclusive? How was the situation before she started breaking dates?

Ask her out one more time and if it's another excuse just consider it over.

[d0nnivain]

7 minutes ago, Comicstar100 said:

  What is your advice. Does it  do any good to be straight forward and say how I feel or at this moment is there no point?

Saying what heretofore has been unspoken -- using words to tell her how you feel -- will simply make things awkward for her.  She will not suddenly say "thank heavens you spoke up because I like you too."  Her actions are telling you she's not interested . Don't say anything because all you will be doing is setting yourself up for rejection. 

Just walk away keeping your dignity in tact.  Any move you make in her direction at this point is akin to you debasing yourself.  Save yourself the agony.  

[Reeses_Piece]

It looks like she does see how interested you are, but doesn’t feel the same way; Her breaking dates and not offering alternative times to meet is her way of letting you go without having to have that difficult conversation. 

If you reach out and confess your feelings, it will force her to have to be blunt. And may result in her going no contact to ensure you understand where she stands. 

I would put some distance between you. Try to date other people, busy yourself with anything else (hobby, sport, lifestyle change), this way you haven’t ended your connection with a final awkward conversation and it leaves the door open for communication in the future. 
 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

If you kept asking her out, she knows how you feel. 

She just doesn't feel the same way and didn't have the courage to tell you that. There is no point in telling her now after a month of silence how you feel, because it isn't your interest level that would make or break this - its hers. 

And unfortuantely, it isn't there. 

[Taramere]

On 7/17/2021 at 7:57 PM, Comicstar100 said:

I was seeing a girl for a few months. She cooled off and started to break dates. I stopped contact with her about a month ago. She is all I think about and all I want to do is admit to her how I feel.  I would like to just say this is what I want if your interested contact me. But she isn't dumb and I'm sure clearly knows how I feel. The last couple times I tried to make a date she said gave excuses and never threw out alternate dates. But part of me does feel like it could give me closure by admitting how I feel. But the other  feels like it just burns a bridge and I should just man up and continue to just move on, no contact no matter how bad it hurts.  What is your advice. Does it  do any good to be straight forward and say how I feel or at this moment is there no point?

I don't think it would do any good in terms of suddenly igniting her interest if it isn't already there, but...if you're certain that you can maintain a calm, non dramatic demeanour while you're telling her how you feel then I think it might give you something in terms of personal development.  It does, after all, take a lot of courage to tell somebody your feelings - especially if there's a strong likelihood that they're going to say that they don't feel the same way...and courage is a very good quality to have.  She might handle the situation poorly enough (eg being avoidant, or cold, dismissive or whatever) for you to be left with the sense that between the two of you, you handled things better.  Or she might handle it very nicely, letting the two of you go your separate ways with mutual respect intact. 

I certainly don't think it's a bad idea, so long as you do it calmly and are ready to react in a politely philosophical way if she reacts poorly - or even reacts well, but with a clear message of disinterest.

 

[kendahke]

what's the point? Their behavior has already told you they don't care about your feelings. No one needs a play acted out... this isn't the airport-- you dont' have to announce your departure.

[glows]

On 7/17/2021 at 11:57 AM, Comicstar100 said:

I was seeing a girl for a few months. She cooled off and started to break dates. I stopped contact with her about a month ago. She is all I think about and all I want to do is admit to her how I feel.  I would like to just say this is what I want if your interested contact me. But she isn't dumb and I'm sure clearly knows how I feel. The last couple times I tried to make a date she said gave excuses and never threw out alternate dates. But part of me does feel like it could give me closure by admitting how I feel. But the other  feels like it just burns a bridge and I should just man up and continue to just move on, no contact no matter how bad it hurts.  What is your advice. Does it  do any good to be straight forward and say how I feel or at this moment is there no point?

It's better to spend your time elsewhere. You're used to seeing her if it's been a few months so you'll have to adjust to not seeing her. Be kind to yourself. Part of all this is also accepting when someone doesn't feel the same way. This takes time, maybe a few days, maybe a couple of weeks but adjust you must. You'll be able to spend time finding and enjoying the company of someone else much more suited to you instead of chasing after someone who "[breaks] dates".

[Comicstar100]

Update  she texted me asking to go out last week. We went to dinner and hooked up that night. We've texted briefly since then she asked about going out again.  I really do like this girl and would like to actually date her. I would like to ask her how she feels and see if anything changed. But I'm afraid bringing up anything relationship wise will cause her to ghost again.  Do I just go with the flow continue to make dates and hook up? Or do I let her know I'd like to be a bigger part of her life?

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Just date her and focus on having fun pleasant times.  What is the hurry? Sheesh. 
Get to know her first and when it feels right between you two ie mutual interest in a relationship, then you have the talk.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

22 hours ago, Comicstar100 said:

We went to dinner and hooked up that night.  would like to date her. 

Going out for dinner and having sex is not a date? Do you mean make it exclusive? Ask her out for a real date and just keep up the pace. Tell  her you would like to focus on each other and not date others.

[poppyfields]

23 hours ago, Comicstar100 said:

Update  she texted me asking to go out last week. We went to dinner and hooked up that night. We've texted briefly since then she asked about going out again.  I really do like this girl and would like to actually date her. I would like to ask her how she feels and see if anything changed. But I'm afraid bringing up anything relationship wise will cause her to ghost again.  Do I just go with the flow continue to make dates and hook up? Or do I let her know I'd like to be a bigger part of her life?

Could it be possible she actually wants you to bring up having an exclusive RL?   Could it be why she distanced herself the first time, because she felt it was superficial dating with no purpose?

I am only speculating; I haven't been there on your dates or how you interact together.  But I have dated men where it's all superficial laughs and fun with NO depth.   That gets old for some people and I am one of them.

She may welcome your openness, or not, it's a risk you will simply have to take if you want something to happen other than casual hookups now and then.

Edited August 6, 2021 by poppyfields

[basil67]

If you want to keep going on dates with her, then keep asking her out on dates.   But if she gets flaky and unavailable, you may have no choice but to move on.