TamSy11 Posted July 17, 2021 Posted July 17, 2021 Recently I started dating again after many years of introspection and self-care. I am a hopeless romantic and I have very low self-esteem/self-worth. Recipe for disaster, right? Well several weeks ago, I went out a couple times with this guy. I thought I might lower my standards a bit and date someone less conventionally attractive, someone nice/a bit nerdy. He was very enthusiastic on our first date and we texted steadily throughout the day. To be honest I was a bit disappointed because he didn’t seem to put much effort into his appearance whereas I did my makeup and wore nice clothes, etc. But hey, first time in 3 years a guy has shown any interest in me, so I’ll take it. Second date went well (or at least I thought). Made plans for a third, then well, he stopped texting as much and eventually called me and told me he didn’t feel like we should see each other anymore. He sounded pretty final. I was really, really, really, really hurt. For the first time in a while, I had hope that maybe I found “my person”. That maybe someone thought I was good enough for them. I did talk to other guys after but I kept comparing them to him. None of them were as sweet or enthusiastic as him. I have been crying nearly everyday since. I don’t know if I can handle another rejection. I’m afraid I’ll shut myself out for fear of getting hurt again. My already low self esteem has taken a nosedive and I am convinced that I am ugly and unlovable. And to top things off, I can’t help but hope stupidly that he might reconsider someday and ask me out again. It’s a quiet desperation that is consuming my every waking thought. I’ll be doing something, like work or hanging out with a friend, and then a random thought pops into my head like, “He doesn’t want you.” I have never been outright rejected like this before and I don’t know how to process it. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over it. 1
Blind-Sided Posted July 17, 2021 Posted July 17, 2021 I'm sorry that you feel poorly, and were rejected. But... unfortunately... that is life. First of all... do not take the rejection personally. What I mean by that is... you don't really know why he didn't want to see you again. He may have really liked you, but he may have also had more time invested into someone else, and that started to blossom. OR... an ex GF came back. It truly may have had nothing to do with you. Second... from your story... it sounds like you were doing on-line dating. (OLD) the real issue with OLD is that there are people who simply want to "Date"... and despite what your description may say... they are looking for nothing other than to get out of the house... or to "Hook up" with someone. Anyway... if you truly can't take rejection at all... you may want to step away from dating again, and look for professional help to get a little more stable. But... if you can look inside yourself... and see your self worth... and know that "Dating" is not a relationship... then you may be able to go out, and enjoy yourself. I wish you happiness in moving forward. 2
smackie9 Posted July 17, 2021 Posted July 17, 2021 You have to change your attitude. You can't possibly expect every person that takes you out on a date to fall for you. This is a process. A guy can be the full package and you yourself may not feel he's not for you. Since you are incredibly sensitive to this, you may want to try building your self esteem/self worth with maybe a new wardrobe, find some hobbies or interests that encourage you to socially interact with people. Boost your ego by looking your best all the time, walk with confidence and smile, that's called being approachable....yes men will approach you more. Work on having a more friendly, carefree attitude that's what they like. 3
ExpatInItaly Posted July 17, 2021 Posted July 17, 2021 37 minutes ago, TamSy11 said: For the first time in a while, I had hope that maybe I found “my person” I think part of the issue is right here. You had very high expectations for a guy you hardly knew. 2 dates is not enough to start getting our hopes that high, though it's easy to get carried away sometimes. Keep more perspective next time, and remember that you are both evaulating each other's potential and your own feelings in the very early stages. I am sorry you're feeling so down, in any case. It's time to address the very low self-worth you mentioned, as it's amplifying what is a fairly run-of-the-mill occurence when dating. 2
smackie9 Posted July 17, 2021 Posted July 17, 2021 Ya you may have come off as clingy and desperate without even knowing it. That will drive anyone away. 2
stillafool Posted July 17, 2021 Posted July 17, 2021 2 minutes ago, smackie9 said: Ya you may have come off as clingy and desperate without even knowing it. That will drive anyone away. It's as if guys can smell desperation a mile away. It's best to look at each date as a fun experience and keep any heavy talk (what you are looking for from a man, marriage, if you want kids, past relationships, etc.,) home in a box. Laugh, flirt and have fun. No pressure or expectations and continue to date others and use that same attitude. Your phone will be singing all day. 2
d0nnivain Posted July 17, 2021 Posted July 17, 2021 I'm sorry you are hurt but you offer some good insights into yourself. A "hopeless romantic" with "low self-esteem" is more likely to get chewed up & spit out. I doubt you are "ugly" or "unlovable." However, you will never be able to fix your dating life until you develop some self esteem & you grow a thicker skin. Nobody else will love you until you love yourself. If you think you are ugly do things to improve your appearance: tone up your muscles; get a good hair cut; change your make up; dress in a more flattering way. The idea that you "thought you found your person" after 2 dates is simply too fast. It's totally unrealistic. Love at first sight does not exist. You need time -- months if not years -- to get to a place where you start evaluating forever. You need to learn to slow down & not get so attached too quickly. A 1st date is nothing more than a determination of whether you want a 2nd date. At the beginning, at least for the 1s t 6 months, try not to project further ahead than the length of you knowing each other. 1st date, OK to think about 2nd date. 1st week, OK to think about next week. 1st month OK to think about next month but not much farther than that. You need to slow down & reign in your expectations. Your deep hurt in proportional to your unrealistic view of how serious this was. As for your comment about this guy that you "lowered your standards" to date somebody not your type who was not "conventionally attractive" & kind of "nerdy" let's talk about that. To me that is not lowering one's standards. It's finally no longer being superficial & only caring about looks. The fact that he was "sweet & enthusiastic" says that he was a good guy. Lowering your standards involves compromising your principals, moral & ethical philosophy. Never do that. My advice, stop dating for a while. Learn to self soothe. Read some self help books. If that doesn't improve the situation get some therapy. I don't know about the alleged desperation aspect other posters postulated may have led to the demise of this fledgling relationship but I agree that desperation can be palpable & is highly unattractive. My thought was that this guy picked up on the fact that you were settling for him & using him solely to not be alone. He didn't want to be somebody's second choice so he ended things. 1
Andy_K Posted July 17, 2021 Posted July 17, 2021 You have to move on. For as long as this guy was the most recent date you've been on, you'll dwell on that rejection on some level. Move on to the next.. maybe it'll work out, maybe not. Maybe next time it'll be you not being interested in the guy, and suddenly you're not feeling so low about being rejected by the previous one. For many of us when dating, there will be far more rejections & incompatibilities for us than successes. You just have to keep moving and look forwards instead of backwards.
Wiseman2 Posted July 17, 2021 Posted July 17, 2021 (edited) 5 hours ago, TamSy11 said: I thought I might lower my standards a bit and date someone less conventionally attractive. I was a bit disappointed because he didn’t seem to put much effort into his appearance whereas I did my makeup and wore nice clothes, etc. Ok try to put things in perspective. You are both meeting and talking to others after 2 dates and people move on. Your attempt at downshifting was poorly thought out and perhaps he sensed this condescension. Have you been to a physician about your emotions, moods and anxiety? "Hopeless romantic" sounds nice, but it's not realistic. Get evaluated for that and a referral to a qualified therapy for ongoing support. Being 'really, really, really, really hurt' and 'crying nearly everyday since' is an extreme reaction to a minor disappointment. Edited July 17, 2021 by Wiseman2 1
Miss Spider Posted July 17, 2021 Posted July 17, 2021 (edited) I feel like I’ve read this before. Yea. I’m pretty sure of it. He probably wanted a nerdy girl like him and you came off a little too incompatible. I’m sorry. Edited July 17, 2021 by Cookiesandough 1
ShyViolet Posted July 18, 2021 Posted July 18, 2021 12 hours ago, TamSy11 said: I was really, really, really, really hurt. For the first time in a while, I had hope that maybe I found “my person”. This is your mistake. Don't ever get caught up in the idea that maybe you've found "your person" when you've gone on two dates. That's just not rational, not how dating works. You allowed yourself to get way too invested in a person who you did not even know. Honestly you don't sound ready to date... you have a very unrealistic and unbalanced attitude toward dating. You need to get into therapy to work on these issues. 1
mortensorchid Posted July 18, 2021 Posted July 18, 2021 I'm sorry that you feel this way. If there were some magic words I could say to "solve it" I would solve it. But there is nothing I can say. I have reached the conclusion that I am just not one of those people who should be with someone. Maybe you are as well? But I understand how you feel.
glows Posted July 18, 2021 Posted July 18, 2021 (edited) What stood out to me most was not the man or your dates. It is the way you think of yourself that “[you are] convinced that [you are] ugly and unloveable”. You’ll have to find a way to heal that place inside you before dating or bringing anyone else in. Unfortunately dates pick up on this. I think he sensed that you might have needed a bit more attention or care than usual or perhaps you were too self-effacing in your descriptions of yourself or your life. Practice positive self-talk and affirmations. It wouldn’t hurt either to find a therapist or professional who can help with additional tools and methods of reframing your thoughts. Edited July 18, 2021 by glows 3
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