do I have high standards or what I am looking for is reasonable?

[SumGuy]

16 hours ago, Alvi said:

... But yesterday, someone messaged me and told me that I am going to have a very hard time finding what I am looking for. 

Please tell me. Is it too much?

What you are looking for is not too much, pretty baseline really for someone who doesn't drink etc.

You are always going to get such BS messages, women especially seem to get much unsolicited mansplaining advice.  I've hear it from so many women, no matter what they are looking for, in reality it is the guy being an a**h*le and trying to manipulate you into saying yes to him.  Or, forgot, if is is a female friend their is a whole bunch of tisk-tisk, meddlesome nelly in such comments.   Ignore it and take it as you have something to offer and others are jealous they don't meet the very low bar you set or that you can even set a bar.

All this coming from a guy who would not meet your criteria at all, e.g. love my beer ...though I am gainfully employed or gainfully self-employed  

[glows]

6 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

What you are looking for is not too much, pretty baseline really for someone who doesn't drink etc.

You are always going to get such BS messages, women especially seem to get much unsolicited mansplaining advice.  I've hear it from so many women, no matter what they are looking for, in reality it is the guy being an a**h*le and trying to manipulate you into saying yes to him.  Or, forgot, if is is a female friend their is a whole bunch of tisk-tisk, meddlesome nelly in such comments.   Ignore it and take it as you have something to offer and others are jealous they don't meet the very low bar you set or that you can even set a bar.

All this coming from a guy who would not meet your criteria at all, e.g. love my beer ...though I am gainfully employed or gainfully self-employed  

I agree with this. 

[poppyfields]

16 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Alvi, I know there is always a lot of debate about this, but this^ just isn't a realistic expectation, imo..

First off, no one knows what they want to happen with a particular person until they are dating them for awhile.  A man whose goal is LTR may not want that with you, so again it's an unrealistic expectation.

Second, even if you both feel an off the charts attraction, a healthy RL takes time to build.  It's unadvisable to jump right into a RL without taking that time.

And announcing this to a new man right off the bat may turn a good man off.  A man who might otherwise be perfect for you!!

If you just gave it time to build.

Why?

It's sounds desperate and desperation is not attractive.

Why not date for awhile, see how you vibe together, naturally and organically and take it from there? 

Any dealbreakers will show their face soon enough.

Just a suggestion.

In any event, enjoy and have fun!!

All I really meant by this^ is take your time to build a RL even when you believe you have met "your person."

How I interpreted "ready and willing to enter into a relationship" was that you meet someone special and immediately dive into a RL head first.

To me that is desperation, it's a need to "fuse" with another and through your partner feel complete and whole, when ideally one should feel complete and whole on their own, and "your person" should as well.  

Those are the best and healthiest relationships imho.  Two already complete and independent people meeting, falling in love and embarking on a relationship, and all that takes time.

If my interpretation of your words was incorrect @Alvi my sincere apologies.

With respect to the rest of your list, not a bad list but as others have said, best to leave the negativity out, focus on the positive and those deal breakers will show their face soon enough once you begin dating.

JMO and again have fun, enjoy the journey. 

Edited July 16, 2021 by poppyfields

[CaliforniaGirl]

I think we need to know how the profile is actually stated...is it really like "don't do this, don't be that" or are you just explaining it to us this way?

For example, no smokers wouldn't necessarily be typed in that way in the profile, depending upon the app. It could just be a box to check. And I mean...you have to check something.

With that said, no, these are not unreasonable standards. They are actually so very basic. It's like saying, "I want someone who never went to prison and who has a job...any job..." I mean like...these are the ultra-low basics. (Except maybe the drinking as some people are just social drinkers and they might be wondering whether you'll give them a hard time about it.)

So do reframe things in a positive way if you're actually typing them in. "I'm a non-smoker, love life, love my job, looking for same" (or whatever) v. "I won't date you if you smoke and don't have a good job." Just an example, I'm sure you didn't word things exactly like that! 

And yes. Some people who don't meet your standards will tell you that you have high standards. But if someone is telling you your standards are high because he doesn't work and mooches off someone else while lying around chain-smoking and getting drunk and you refused a date with him, then you can pretty much cross that one off the list anyway!

Edited July 16, 2021 by CaliforniaGirl

[Gaeta]

Example: Even if you mention *no smokers* there are still smokers that will contact you. It's annoying but it is what it is. You can't get annoyed each time someone 'our of your norm' contacts you. Men are risk taker, even if they see black on white that you don't like ABC they STILL will contact you. 

[CollinW]

21 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Not unless you're in college or you have a big circle of friends and you're out in town every weekend. Same for men and women. If you work 9-5, Mon-Fri, and weekends are to run your errands and do  your chores, you will never meet someone, no matter how good of a person you are or good you look. You're gonna stand by those frozen peas for years before coming across Mr. Right. Society has changed a great deal in the past 20 years. People don't approach each others as they used to. 

People were working 9-5 mon-fri, and running errands and doing chores on weekends before the internet was invented. And they were meeting spouses naturally. So hate to be frank but this is an excuse. 

Some people aren't approaching due to reliance on OLD, gender politics and de-emphasis on femininity and masculinity. But most high value, in demand individuals still meet on the street. I've met all my women through social interactions, so has every single one of my married friends whether male or female. None of us have ever needed to use OLD. Through work, bars, events, restaurants, festivals, mutual friends, just strolling on the street, etc. 

[ ] 

Edited July 17, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility

[Miss Spider]

11 minutes ago, CollinW said:

People were working 9-5 mon-fri, and running errands and doing chores on weekends before the internet was invented. And they were meeting spouses naturally. So hate to be frank but this is an excuse. 

Some people aren't approaching due to reliance on OLD, gender politics and de-emphasis on femininity and masculinity. But most high value, in demand individuals still meet on the street. I've met all my women through social interactions, so has every single one of my married friends whether male or female. None of us have ever needed to use OLD. Through work, bars, events, restaurants, festivals, mutual friends, just strolling on the street, etc. 

People are mentally limiting themselves to OLD because it's easy and low risk, taking themselves out of the mindset to meet people naturally. There need to be some honest discussions surrounding OLD. I'll start. If you're limiting yourself to OLD because you want to date lazily, then you don't really deserve to find what you're looking for. 

Pretty much 

Edited July 17, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[FMW]

I'm mid 50s and have met and been approached by a lot of guys IRL in the past 5 years since my divorce.  I see lots of younger people out as well, so meeting people IRL is very possible.  I've never online dated.

I work 40+ hours a week but I have always been fairly socially active and involved in things I enjoy.  I'm involved with someone now, but I still have men make their interest in me clear.  So I think sometimes it has a lot to do with just being out and enjoying life.

[Gaeta]

4 hours ago, CollinW said:

f you're limiting yourself to OLD because you want to date lazily, then you don't really deserve to find what you're looking for. 

Are you calling people online dating lazy?? Then come visit my thread and see if i'm lazy!! I was out on 3 dates this week and l got one more today! Each date requires l filter them through conversations, then time to get ready, then each date involves 30-40 minutes driving to go there and 30-40 mins back! My evening is gone. I work 40 hrs of week, l got a teen.  

Now l got a load of chores to do and responsabilities to attentd to cause they don't magically disappear and l was gone 3 nights this week "screening candidates", you call that lazy??

I'm 55 years old. I don't stroll the streets at my age. I don't go to bars, l don't have friends to go out with every weekend to expose myself, my circle is my family and they're all married with young kids. They don't do outings, they do 'stay home' and play marco-polo in the swimming pool. 

To top it all l live in a subburb with nothing but residential homes so it's full of families. I visited the same park every day with my dog  for 14 years!!! I got approached ONCE in 14 years in that park! And he was a massive disappointment he never followed up on his own 1st date invitation. 

Before meeting my ex l was online 3 years and went on 200 first dates, it's like working a second job!  Lazy 

Edited July 17, 2021 by Gaeta

[Alpacalia]

That seems reasonable.

I think it's a little different with online dating because there are millions of profiles, so you can indicate on the dating app that you're not looking to get serious with the first guy that pops up, rather, attracting someone who is also looking for something genuine is a good use of both your time and effort. You'll have to figure out how best to phrase it though.

Good luck!

Edited July 17, 2021 by Alpaca

[smackie9]

Sounds like OLD is way more work than it's worth, all that time screening and investing what time you have with very little reward. Graeta maybe it's time to make some changes in your life. What those are, will be up to you but right now you don't sound very happy, and more frustrated than ever.

[FMW]

I don't  think OLD is lazy, my friends that have done it say they spend hours a week sorting through profiles and messages.

Meeting IRL actually seems to save time in that you're  already out with friends enjoying what you like and you only agree to go out with people you happen to meet and have the opportunity to watch in action and know whether or not you feel a spark.  Going out on so many dates with people you've never met sounds exhausting.

I didn't troll the streets or hang out at bars.  Going through my divorce I took up a lot of new hobbies and met a lot of people, including women who are my closest friends now because of sharing similar stages and transitions in life.  Those are the friends I still socialize with weekly, even though most of us are in relationships again.

I am fortunate to live in a large city so I have more options for things to get involved with.  But I still had to get out there and be open to trying new things that allowed me to meet people.  That's probably not easily available to everyone, depending on circumstances and location.  But something to consider if you do get tired of OLD.  

But it seems you are actually enjoying it for the most part, so it's an interesting learning experience.

[SumGuy]

4 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Are you calling people online dating lazy?? ...

You also missed that people who use OLD are not "high value" and the gender politics.   

[Janie7]

22 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

I think we need to know how the profile is actually stated...is it really like "don't do this, don't be that" or are you just explaining it to us this way?

For example, no smokers wouldn't necessarily be typed in that way in the profile, depending upon the app. It could just be a box to check. And I mean...you have to check something.

With that said, no, these are not unreasonable standards. They are actually so very basic. It's like saying, "I want someone who never went to prison and who has a job...any job..." I mean like...these are the ultra-low basics. (Except maybe the drinking as some people are just social drinkers and they might be wondering whether you'll give them a hard time about it.)

So do reframe things in a positive way if you're actually typing them in. "I'm a non-smoker, love life, love my job, looking for same" (or whatever) v. "I won't date you if you smoke and don't have a good job." Just an example, I'm sure you didn't word things exactly like that! 

And yes. Some people who don't meet your standards will tell you that you have high standards. But if someone is telling you your standards are high because he doesn't work and mooches off someone else while lying around chain-smoking and getting drunk and you refused a date with him, then you can pretty much cross that one off the list anyway!

I totally agree with this.  You have a job so you want someone with a job?  That is really basic.  You just want a guy that has a real job.  And is successful.  And yes relationship material but you should know in more detail the kind of guy you want, as far as expectations, goals, etc.

[Gaeta]

6 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Sounds like OLD is way more work than it's worth, all that time screening and investing what time you have with very little reward. Graeta maybe it's time to make some changes in your life. What those are, will be up to you but right now you don't sound very happy, and more frustrated than ever.

I'm happy, I am only back 6 weeks into dating. I was reacting to being called lazy which blew my mind out of space!

[poppyfields]

21 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I'm happy, I am only back 6 weeks into dating. I was reacting to being called lazy which blew my mind out of space!

I agree, OLDing is exhausting and all I did was talk to guys! 

I only met two, the second became my boyfriend, now ex.

But Gaeta, damn she's rocking it, she has met 15 guys thus far!  That is hardly lazy!

Meeting IRL, all you have to do is basically "exist" next to the opposite sex!

Smile, give a green light, a window, and if interested, they will approach or women can approach too, in more subtle ways.

 

Edited July 17, 2021 by poppyfields

[CollinW]

8 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Are you calling people online dating lazy??

No I said there are people who limit themselves to OLD because they want to date lazily. I know plenty of people, even young people unencumbered by life obligations and children, who don't have the energy or care to leave their house because they can just jump on OLD because all the investment it requires is a phone and a swipe. 

And I didn't mean you specifically, I was speaking more in generally, I apologize for that. 

I think dating is just like anything else in life, what you put into it is what you get out of it. The most fruitful careers require hours of education, studying, training and sacrifice. So does the being in shape, being good at a skill running a marathon, etc.

And there are a lot of people who think they're entitled to the person of their dreams who's going to fall in their laps. For most people, it's not going to come from swiping right on him while you play on your phone before you go to sleep. 

[Kai_Kai]

On 7/15/2021 at 7:58 PM, Alvi said:

I think that I am very realistic in terms what I am looking for. I never though that what I am looking for in a guy is that unreasonable. But yesterday, someone messaged me and told me that I am going to have a very hard time finding what I am looking for. That got me thinking that maybe I should lower my standards because I am perpetually single anyway. That way I would not stay forever single maybe.  But than again, am I being unreasonable?  I didn't list any deabreakers in my profile in a past. But I got bombarded with the emails from the guys who are either looking for sex or simply not very compatible in my view.

My profile on a dating site states that I want to find a guy for a long term relationship and that I am absolutely not looking for a FWB or hookups and such. And that I want to date a guy who is ready and willing to enter a relationship. This is something that I am absolutely not willing to compromise. I know that a good healthy long term relationship is not build overnight but I not want to meet and date people who are not serious about a long term. 

I am allergic to smoke so dating a smoker is pretty much out of question for me.  

I don't drink alcohol (my choice) and while I don't mind a light or a social drinker, I don't want to date a heavy drinker.

I don't do drugs and marijuana and don't want to date anybody who does.

I have a job and want to date someone who also has a job.

I don't want to date anybody who is married or separated. Will not go there ever.

That's pretty much it for my standards. Of course, there are other things that I am looking for in a guy, but this is what I have listed in my profile in a nice way as to what I am not looking for. I don't go on and on and on about what I don't want. Just two sentences that say that I am not looking for smokers, drinkers and drug users and that I don't date married/separated men and that I want someone who has a job.

Please tell me. Is it too much?

 

Seems straight forward and realistic to me. I just hope it's not listed like a grocery list on your dating profile because that would scare anyone off even those who "fit" your criteria. Non negotiable topics are something that will come up in conversations, but should not be a conversation starter makes someone appear cynical and that's not sexy.