do I have high standards or what I am looking for is reasonable?

[Alvi]

I think that I am very realistic in terms what I am looking for. I never though that what I am looking for in a guy is that unreasonable. But yesterday, someone messaged me and told me that I am going to have a very hard time finding what I am looking for. That got me thinking that maybe I should lower my standards because I am perpetually single anyway. That way I would not stay forever single maybe.  But than again, am I being unreasonable?  I didn't list any deabreakers in my profile in a past. But I got bombarded with the emails from the guys who are either looking for sex or simply not very compatible in my view.

My profile on a dating site states that I want to find a guy for a long term relationship and that I am absolutely not looking for a FWB or hookups and such. And that I want to date a guy who is ready and willing to enter a relationship. This is something that I am absolutely not willing to compromise. I know that a good healthy long term relationship is not build overnight but I not want to meet and date people who are not serious about a long term. 

I am allergic to smoke so dating a smoker is pretty much out of question for me.  

I don't drink alcohol (my choice) and while I don't mind a light or a social drinker, I don't want to date a heavy drinker.

I don't do drugs and marijuana and don't want to date anybody who does.

I have a job and want to date someone who also has a job.

I don't want to date anybody who is married or separated. Will not go there ever.

That's pretty much it for my standards. Of course, there are other things that I am looking for in a guy, but this is what I have listed in my profile in a nice way as to what I am not looking for. I don't go on and on and on about what I don't want. Just two sentences that say that I am not looking for smokers, drinkers and drug users and that I don't date married/separated men and that I want someone who has a job.

Please tell me. Is it too much?

 

[basil67]

No, it's not too much to ask.  However, I wonder if the problem is the way you've worded your dating profile.    For instance, when you say that you want a guy who's ready for a relationship, is there a caveat that shows you understand that it would only be with the right woman for him?   When you say you don't want "drinkers" this could be interpreted that you're looking for someone who is a tee-totaller.   What exactly did you write about what you're looking for in a man?    I'm checking to make sure you wrote more about what you do want than what you don't want.

Also, how do you describe yourself?

[Lotsgoingon]

The problem with your "standards" is that they are negative. 

You want to say what you DO (positively) want. You alienate people when you list these negative things you do NOT want. Seriously, when I've done online dating, whenever I see the "I don't want this" and "I don't want that" ... my mind jumps to, this person is bitter. This person has a horrible dating history. This person is negative. And this person does not know how to talk or to date. For example, why not explicitly exclude murderers and serial killers from your list? Why not exclude people who are mean to their mothers?

Imagine an employer writing on a job description: "we donot want people who come to work late." "We do not like workers who are rude to other people." Can you see how ridiculous that is?!

Focus on what you do want. Half of the things in your list are things you'll discover once you meet someone. People lie about drinking. You have to go hang out and meet people to assess whether they drink to much. Focus on qualities that you do like, and those positive qualities rule out negative qualities. Someone who is "responsible" doesn't leave things half-done, right?!

What DO you want in a partner? Example, I want a financial stable partner who likes to travel and who has a good sense of humor and wants to explore the outdoors and who wants a family.

Better yet, just tell people about your interests. That way people who like your interests will find you. So the issue here isn't standards. You have no standards-=you just have negative things you like to avoid. That's not standards. A better technique is to simply describe yourself and what you desire in a relationship. What activities to you like? What turns you on about a partner? 

 

Edited July 16, 2021 by Lotsgoingon

[basil67]

6 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

The problem with your "standards" is that they are negative.

I picked up on that too.  I'm hoping the OP paraphrased what she wanted and that her profile is written differently.

[Miss Spider]

Your standards sound pretty low actually if that’s all they are …

Edited July 16, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Alvi said:

And that I want to date a guy who is ready and willing to enter a relationship. This is something that I am absolutely not willing to compromise.

Alvi, I know there is always a lot of debate about this, but this^ just isn't a realistic expectation, imo..

First off, no one knows what they want to happen with a particular person until they are dating them for awhile.  A man whose goal is LTR may not want that with you, so again it's an unrealistic expectation.

Second, even if you both feel an off the charts attraction, a healthy RL takes time to build.  It's unadvisable to jump right into a RL without taking that time.

And announcing this to a new man right off the bat may turn a good man off.  A man who might otherwise be perfect for you!!

If you just gave it time to build.

Why?

It's sounds desperate and desperation is not attractive.

Why not date for awhile, see how you vibe together, naturally and organically and take it from there? 

Any dealbreakers will show their face soon enough.

Just a suggestion.

In any event, enjoy and have fun!!

Edited July 16, 2021 by poppyfields

[Johnjohnson2017]

There must be some other criterias that make men think that you are too picky.

Plenty of guys don't smoke. Most guys drink, but they probably don't think they drink excessively. There are men out there looking for a long term relationship. Most men work, it's just a matter of how much they earn.

Are the men complaining about how picky you are after you reject them? Maybe they think you're too picky in terms of looks? Maybe you want someone over 6'2''? Someone that is at least an 8/10 in looks? someone with a body of Adonis?

What are your other important criterias? The ones you mentioned are not the only ones you require from a potential BF. I'm assuming personality, character, chemistry, attraction are also all important to you.

[Miss Spider]

49 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Alvi, I know there is always a lot of debate about this, but this^ just isn't a realistic expectation, imo..

First off, no one knows what they want to happen with a particular person until they are dating them for awhile.  A man whose goal is LTR may not want that with you, so again it's an unrealistic expectation.

Second, even if you both feel an off the charts attraction, a healthy RL takes time to build.  It's unadvisable to jump right into a RL without taking that time.

And announcing this to a new man right off the bat may turn a good man off.  A man who might otherwise be perfect for you!!

If you just gave it time to build.

Why?

It's sounds desperate and desperation is not attractive.

Why not date for awhile, see how you vibe together, naturally and organically and take it from there? 

Any dealbreakers will show their face soon enough.

Just a suggestion.

In any event, enjoy and have fun!!

Well a lot of good men are looking for relationships and like really seeking them. Not saying with anyone , just that that is their focus. They like the relationship model and want that. And that’s going to be different focus than someone who is taking their time and just having fun. I know you are just casually dating and that’s cool, but I get too that there are people who’s primary focus is to get married and have kids and all that stuff ASAP. So I don’t see why it’s necessarily unreasonable to put that, knowing that is actually going to attract people seeking out the same. Sure, there are exceptions, people lie aren’t sure etc. However, I still think it is a safer bet to go with someone that says they are sure than making assumptions about the  person and possibilities things will change. IDK but I know lots of happy marriages  but none that I know started off casual. Not including friendships, but “casual” where sex was involved/fwb.  Not saying it’s not possible, but it’s contrary to people not knowing what they want relatively quickly. Also, ime, guys tend to prefer when women are  relationship-oriented anyways so it’s not really points off unless you’re desperate with it lol 

[Daisydooks]

I was pickier than that and found my H online 8 years ago 

Don't compromise your standards.  They arent even remotely unreasonable. 

[Shining One]

Is this the entirety of your profile content? What about all the searchable data fields? Do you have any physical attribute requirements listed on your profile? Do you have specific views regarding children and are those views listed?

Nothing you've listed so far seems to exclude the majority of people.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Alvi said:

My profile on a dating site states that I want to find a guy for a long term relationship and that I am absolutely not looking for a FWB or hookups and such. 

Hopefully all this is not on your profile. It comes across as burned out.

It's not that your deal breakers are unreasonable, but leave all that baggage off a dating profile.

State some  positive things about you, life, interests, etc.

Use appropriate search and screening criteria.

If someone is a smoker heavy drinker married or looking for casual sex, you'll know.

Unfortunately when you put all these negatives on a profile it sounds like you have made so many bad choices in the past.

[Blind-Sided]

That's all very reasonable to me.  And to be honest... it sounds like my list.  Smoking is nasty, and just kills people.  You don't want an alcoholic.  You want someone who actually can support themselves... and you don't want someone who is doing something illegal. (Drugs)

You obviously got a message from someone who was just pissed off.

[Gaeta]

13 hours ago, Alvi said:

I am allergic to smoke 

I don't drink alcohol

I don't do drugs and marijuana

I have a job and want to date someone who also has a job.

I don't want to date anybody who is married or separated. 

It's pretty basic demand. I have the same except I don't list them in my profile. Those are easy to verify during a first conversation. If someone is married and his intent is to not tell you, I doubt he'll pass your profile just cause you say you don't want married/seperated  men to message you. No matter what you put in your profile you still have to filter and verify all this anyway. 

That being said, putting a list of demand like this in a profile isn't attractive. Makes you come across as 'stuck on details'. I think many men that do correspond to your critaria won't message you just cause you don't sound fun, like others have said you're concentrating on the negative. This time around my profile description contains 1 sentence, the rest of my pedegree is available in the generic profile info...and I've been going on a lot of dates. 

 

 

[smackie9]

I think a lot of the "good" men out there are not on dating apps because they have np getting dates irl. And that's where you should be looking for them...out and about during your social activities.

[d0nnivain]

14 hours ago, Alvi said:

Please tell me. Is it too much?

It sounds pretty normal to me.  However, think about how you phrase it.  Can you couch things more positively rather than a list of "nots"?  I honestly don't have specific suggestions for you but a profile that says I don't want x, y, & z comes across harshly.   

[Gaeta]

8 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

 "good" men out there are not on dating apps because they have np getting dates irl. 

Not unless you're in college or you have a big circle of friends and you're out in town every weekend. Same for men and women. If you work 9-5, Mon-Fri, and weekends are to run your errands and do  your chores, you will never meet someone, no matter how good of a person you are or good you look. You're gonna stand by those frozen peas for years before coming across Mr. Right. Society has changed a great deal in the past 20 years. People don't approach each others as they used to. 

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, Alvi said:

But yesterday, someone messaged me and told me that I am going to have a very hard time finding what I am looking for.

Your expectations are fine, however listing all your baggage is what is attracting creeps because good men will take one look at all this stuff on a profile and think

"wow angry and burned out, run!"

[Caauug]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately when you put all these negatives on a profile it sounds like you have made so many bad choices in the past.

^^^^ Agree!!!!

We all make mistakes in life, and maybe the negatives are not mistakes but, they stick out like dog's ball that they are a mistake. 

Maybe: 

Clean living, addiction free, carrier driven woman looking for like minded man well on his way with the 6 sixes.....

I don't know, I've never done OLD....

[smackie9]

I don't think so. I know a lot of busy people that find the time to go out and do things... it is a thing now more than ever to make time for your own mental health....this pandemic has proved what is truly valuable.

I work full time, cook, clean, and run errands almost everyday...I still find time to go out for a couple of hours...go have coffee with a friend, go for a short hike....the parks here are real busy...busier than I have ever seen.

And every now and then some dude says hi to me at the grocery store hoping to strike up a convo. Maybe people are more relaxed here on the west coast, I dunno. Demographics can play a part I guess.

Edited July 16, 2021 by smackie9

[d0nnivain]

Try something like: 

I'm a hard working, industrious gal who enjoys [whatever your hobbies are].  I live my life naturally, free of substances, including smoke, alcohol & drugs.  I'm looking for a relationship minded guy with a solid work ethic to build a healthy, happy future.  If that sounds like you, give me a call; we can meet for herbal tea [or whatever you drink] 

[Pumpernickel]

12 hours ago, Olivia24 said:

I agree with this!!

Me too. Plus, as far as I know, women usually get flooded with messages anyways, so why not narrowing in on those who meet your criteria better?
There will still be too many men left who ignore your requirements, so there's that, too. I don't think that being specific will be detrimental to your dating success per se.
Sure, the way you phrase it can make a difference, but not a huge difference, as many look at pictures first, and then decide whether or not to read a profile description. 
 

[Gaeta]

9 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

And every now and then some dude says hi to me at the grocery store hoping to strike up a convo. Maybe people are more relaxed here on the west coast, I dunno. Demographics can play a part I guess.

People strike conversation with me all the time, doesn't mean they're single and looking. Before my ex I was single 4 years, on top of my shape, I'm not bad looking at all,  working downtown in the corporate area, surrounded by professionals. I was approached 3 times in 3 years. 

[d0nnivain]

56 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

I think a lot of the "good" men out there are not on dating apps because they have np getting dates irl. And that's where you should be looking for them...out and about during your social activities.

 

41 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Not unless you're in college or you have a big circle of friends and you're out in town every weekend. Same for men and women. If you work 9-5, Mon-Fri, and weekends are to run your errands and do  your chores, you will never meet someone, no matter how good of a person you are or good you look. You're gonna stand by those frozen peas for years before coming across Mr. Right. Society has changed a great deal in the past 20 years. People don't approach each others as they used to. 

I respect the above posters a great deal but I think I can reconcile their seemingly divergent views.  

It's just don't put all your dating eggs in the OLD/app basket.  Do something for fun that gets you out & about.  Volunteer somewhere.  Attend meet-ups.  Join a club or organization where you can interact with people & form a connection  more organically.  That way you already know you have a shared interest.  You can take your time getting to know the other person & get a sense of whether they share your values.  

Simultaneously you need a good, positive profile rather than one filled with the negatives.  

[glows]

There's nothing wrong with your criteria but keep that in your mind when you're filtering someone when you meet. Keep it a bit shorter and emphasize your interests that promote health or wellness if you don't smoke or do drugs. It's an indirect way of emphasizing a healthy lifestyle. 

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, Alvi said:

I don't drink... I don't do drugs.. I have a job.. I don't want to date anybody who...

You may have to get on quality paid apps if you want to be able to list deal breakers and be matched on that criteria.  This list on  free apps is a waste of time.