max3732 Posted July 15, 2021 Posted July 15, 2021 My 2 biggest questions are: 1. After a certain number of dates/time knowing each other is there an implication that we're exclusive? This is important to me because in college I started dating some exclusively and found out later that all these other women were interested in me and that the woman I was dating was not right. So I really wish I had gotten to know them. I did see this thread, which makes me think that maybe I should ask her during our next date. She's also talked about ideas for future dates so I feel uncomfortable being on dating apps or going to singles events. I'm presently chatting with a couple people on dating apps and feel guilty about it. 2. How can I get to more kissing/making out/cuddling with her besides the end of the date kiss? She said she's shy about PDA (I asked when we say a couple doing that) and I'm not a big fan of that either. So even if our date is going great and I really feel that energy to kiss her I feel a bit uncomfortable if we're in public. Especially more than just a quick kiss. The only time we're really in private is if I drop her off to her car or vice versa. So if we're driving to the other person's car would it be weird if I pulled off to the side to asked her to do that? I feel so rushed if I pull up next to the parking garage and we're in the street or in the parking lot and next to the other car. I can't really do something naturally in a conversation. Would it be weird if I asked to take a look at the back seat of my car or vice versa so we could cuddle/makeout? Getting on this many dates is kind of unchartered territory. Or maybe try to find a bench in a place that doesn't have much foot traffic? I think asking her if she wants to cuddle and makeout would probably kill the spontaneity/romance.
Gaeta Posted July 16, 2021 Posted July 16, 2021 What type of dates have you been going to? It seems to me a date in a beautiful park by the water, with a blanket, snacks and drinks, would be the perfect date for more touching and kissing. Personally I would not think exclusivity until we are ready to be intimate. After 5 dates I would start thinking home dates. Not with sex in mind but to start letting the other person see a little more of our private life. Do not *ever* ask a lady to sit in the back of your car unless you are 16 years old. 3
Wiseman2 Posted July 16, 2021 Posted July 16, 2021 21 hours ago, max3732 said: She said she's shy about PDA. The only time we're really in private is if I drop her off to her car or vice versa. Hopefully you realize pulling off in cars and park benches are creepy places to grab at her, no? You need to be patient and create more "romance" before you lunge in for this or that. If you think she's not attracted to you or friendzoneing you, then don't ask her out again. If you're preoccupied the whole time you're on a date about where to pull off and grab at her, she'll pick up on that and get creeped out. Perhaps hold hands, put your arm around her, sit closer at a restaurant etc.
Amanda92 Posted July 16, 2021 Posted July 16, 2021 15 minutes ago, Gaeta said: What type of dates have you been going to? It seems to me a date in a beautiful park by the water, with a blanket, snacks and drinks, would be the perfect date for more touching and kissing. Personally I would not think exclusivity until we are ready to be intimate. After 5 dates I would start thinking home dates. Not with sex in mind but to start letting the other person see a little more of our private life. Do not *ever* ask a lady to sit in the back of your car unless you are 16 years old. Good idea to go to a park. I would meet at home unless we want to sleep together.
SumGuy Posted July 16, 2021 Posted July 16, 2021 (edited) My intimacy does not move as slow as yours when I date, but basically if I ask for a 4th date I concentrate just on that person and see where it goes (heck often after date 2 if it is going well and certainly if we had sex). Once at that point I no longer solicited interest (reach out) in OLD and wrapped up any conversations was a having just letting them know met someone and want to give it a chance. Almost always you are wished luck and asked to look them up again if it doesn't work out. I've had the same done to me, and they actually asked if they could look me up again if it didn't work out and they did. No hard feelings here, we (those of use looking for LTR) are each seeking that one and sometime the timing gets messed up, we can't predict or control this but we can be upfront and honorable about it. Now on in the past you lost opportunities because you gave it a chance...that is an inherent risk and for me yes may miss out but can live with myself better. Edited July 16, 2021 by SumGuy
Author max3732 Posted July 16, 2021 Author Posted July 16, 2021 3 hours ago, Gaeta said: What type of dates have you been going to? It seems to me a date in a beautiful park by the water, with a blanket, snacks and drinks, would be the perfect date for more touching and kissing. Personally I would not think exclusivity until we are ready to be intimate. After 5 dates I would start thinking home dates. Not with sex in mind but to start letting the other person see a little more of our private life. Do not *ever* ask a lady to sit in the back of your car unless you are 16 years old. We've gone out to dinner, movies, and a garden. On the next date we're planning on going to a park. Everywhere we go though there are people around us all the time. So there aren't really any times where it's just the 2 of us. 2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Hopefully you realize pulling off in cars and park benches are creepy places to grab at her, no? You need to be patient and create more "romance" before you lunge in for this or that. If you think she's not attracted to you or friendzoneing you, then don't ask her out again. If you're preoccupied the whole time you're on a date about where to pull off and grab at her, she'll pick up on that and get creeped out. Perhaps hold hands, put your arm around her, sit closer at a restaurant etc. We've been doing all the normal, safe touching like holding hands, sitting close, putting my arm around her, etc. At some point though I'd like to make out. If we could find a bench where there's no one around what's creepy about that?
glows Posted July 16, 2021 Posted July 16, 2021 (edited) She said she's "shy" with PDA so dial it back and be respectful of that if your dates are out in public. There's no rush if both of you are developing an interest in each other. Let things flow more naturally and if you sense that she's uncomfortable, back off. Let her come to you. Edited July 16, 2021 by glows
Gaeta Posted July 16, 2021 Posted July 16, 2021 11 minutes ago, max3732 said: At some point though I'd like to make out. What is the hurry? How old are the both of you?
Author max3732 Posted July 16, 2021 Author Posted July 16, 2021 46 minutes ago, Gaeta said: What is the hurry? How old are the both of you? We're in our late 30's. I just feel like we should progress on that part of the relationship and want to get us in an environment where it would be natural rather than trying to force it and the end of the date in the car.
Gaeta Posted July 16, 2021 Posted July 16, 2021 (edited) 33 minutes ago, max3732 said: We're in our late 30's. I just feel like we should progress on that part of the relationship and want to get us in an environment where it would be natural rather than trying to force it and the end of the date in the car. You feel that way but she feels differently. You need to decide if you will be patient and go at her pace or you'll discontinue seeing her. There is no other alternative. You cannot push her into something she is not ready. The bench, the back of the car, are terrible terrible ideas. It's not how a shy woman wants to be treated. Edited July 16, 2021 by Gaeta 1
glows Posted July 16, 2021 Posted July 16, 2021 56 minutes ago, max3732 said: We're in our late 30's. I just feel like we should progress on that part of the relationship and want to get us in an environment where it would be natural rather than trying to force it and the end of the date in the car. Is there a reason why you can't invite each other over? I don't mean this the wrong way. I thought you both may be very much younger because of the car suggestion. Keep maintaining a more respectful distance if neither or one of you are comfortable with PDA. Sometimes it takes a couple of dates, sometimes it's weeks and sometimes it's months. It depends on who you date and the chemistry you have with that person. If you are feeling like your interactions are cooler than you'd like or you're getting frustrated with the situation, you're both really not on the same page at all. Or.. you may be overcompensating or trying to make up for feeling insecure not knowing if you're exclusive. Your first question in your first post was about exclusivity so I did wonder if perhaps you were trying to get closer to her to confirm whether she has deeper feelings for you or more romantic feelings for you. You may feel a lot better and less frustrated overall if you just asked her whether you both wanted to be exclusive and go forward with an better understanding.
Author max3732 Posted July 16, 2021 Author Posted July 16, 2021 2 hours ago, Gaeta said: You feel that way but she feels differently. You need to decide if you will be patient and go at her pace or you'll discontinue seeing her. There is no other alternative. You cannot push her into something she is not ready. The bench, the back of the car, are terrible terrible ideas. It's not how a shy woman wants to be treated. How does she want to be treated? It's difficult for me to try and figure out how to express physical affection or figure out what she's ready for. 2 hours ago, glows said: Is there a reason why you can't invite each other over? I don't mean this the wrong way. I thought you both may be very much younger because of the car suggestion. Keep maintaining a more respectful distance if neither or one of you are comfortable with PDA. Sometimes it takes a couple of dates, sometimes it's weeks and sometimes it's months. It depends on who you date and the chemistry you have with that person. If you are feeling like your interactions are cooler than you'd like or you're getting frustrated with the situation, you're both really not on the same page at all. Or.. you may be overcompensating or trying to make up for feeling insecure not knowing if you're exclusive. Your first question in your first post was about exclusivity so I did wonder if perhaps you were trying to get closer to her to confirm whether she has deeper feelings for you or more romantic feelings for you. You may feel a lot better and less frustrated overall if you just asked her whether you both wanted to be exclusive and go forward with an better understanding. Yes, I'd also really like to know her feelings towards me. I kind of hinted at doing something at one of our places and she didn't seem to be that interested. I'm also afraid that if I invite her over she'd think I'm trying to sleep with her. Our actions on the date are very fun and flirty, but I'm trying to figure out how to progress from that. You're saying just give it time?
Wiseman2 Posted July 16, 2021 Posted July 16, 2021 3 hours ago, max3732 said: We're in our late 30's. Invite her over for dinner. Ask her what movies she likes. Don't lunge in for anything but sit on the sofa and make it a bit more cozy than siting on a park bench.
glows Posted July 16, 2021 Posted July 16, 2021 1 hour ago, max3732 said: Yes, I'd also really like to know her feelings towards me. I kind of hinted at doing something at one of our places and she didn't seem to be that interested. I'm also afraid that if I invite her over she'd think I'm trying to sleep with her. Our actions on the date are very fun and flirty, but I'm trying to figure out how to progress from that. You're saying just give it time? Yes, slow down and pay more attention to her. It's between you and her, no one else. Can you not read affection in other ways besides traditional kissing and touching or sex? There are other ways couples show they care about one another. Don't hint at doing something at one of your places because being vague sounds suspect. Tell her you bought ingredients for X and would love to have her over for dinner if she'd join you. It's not about sex. It's about developing more intimacy in a private space so even if it doesn't lead to that take your time. The point is getting to know one another and enjoy the journey. 1
Author max3732 Posted July 17, 2021 Author Posted July 17, 2021 2 hours ago, glows said: Yes, slow down and pay more attention to her. It's between you and her, no one else. Can you not read affection in other ways besides traditional kissing and touching or sex? There are other ways couples show they care about one another. Don't hint at doing something at one of your places because being vague sounds suspect. Tell her you bought ingredients for X and would love to have her over for dinner if she'd join you. It's not about sex. It's about developing more intimacy in a private space so even if it doesn't lead to that take your time. The point is getting to know one another and enjoy the journey. That makes sense. Just FYI I'm still a virgin and have never really gone beyond kissing so I'm trying to figure out how most adults progress in these kinds of relationships 1
glows Posted July 17, 2021 Posted July 17, 2021 4 hours ago, max3732 said: That makes sense. Just FYI I'm still a virgin and have never really gone beyond kissing so I'm trying to figure out how most adults progress in these kinds of relationships You're fine. I think a lot of your thoughts are anxious thoughts not knowing what she's thinking and feeling. Also remember that a woman who plays games or tells you one thing or acts disinterested is not worth your time. Aim for trust and respect between the both of you, not mind games.
Fletch Lives Posted July 17, 2021 Posted July 17, 2021 I'm going to tell you something............if everything is going just right in a relationship, a couple should be so crazy about each other they don't care about anyone else. But if one lacks integrity, he/she may never be exclusive. So, you need love and integrity. But why aren't you picking her up at her home after a couple dates? Is one of you married? You make out at home. If you guys are still meeting, it's not serious. 1
Author max3732 Posted July 17, 2021 Author Posted July 17, 2021 6 hours ago, Fletch Lives said: I'm going to tell you something............if everything is going just right in a relationship, a couple should be so crazy about each other they don't care about anyone else. But if one lacks integrity, he/she may never be exclusive. So, you need love and integrity. But why aren't you picking her up at her home after a couple dates? Is one of you married? You make out at home. If you guys are still meeting, it's not serious. She lives in the opposite direction from where we've been meeting so we usually just meet in the middle. One of the dates we met near her and I offered to pick her up and she said she declined. I'll definitely offer again next time we do something near her.
Lotsgoingon Posted July 17, 2021 Posted July 17, 2021 OK, you guys are holding hands and hugging, but you haven't gotten to kissing? Explain a bit more. Dude, handholding (where both people are committed--not just you squeezing her hand and she only going along passively) and placing arms around each other are all in the neighborhood, heck on the same block, on the same lawn, as making out. So I'm confused here. Have you kissed her on the cheek? That might be a start for you. BTW: if you don't like her fear of PDA, my suggestion is don't waste time with her. You can spend hours and hours with someone thinking they will be OK with PDA and you're wasting your time. If PDA is important to you (it is to me for example), then move on.
Author max3732 Posted July 17, 2021 Author Posted July 17, 2021 2 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said: OK, you guys are holding hands and hugging, but you haven't gotten to kissing? Explain a bit more. Dude, handholding (where both people are committed--not just you squeezing her hand and she only going along passively) and placing arms around each other are all in the neighborhood, heck on the same block, on the same lawn, as making out. So I'm confused here. Have you kissed her on the cheek? That might be a start for you. BTW: if you don't like her fear of PDA, my suggestion is don't waste time with her. You can spend hours and hours with someone thinking they will be OK with PDA and you're wasting your time. If PDA is important to you (it is to me for example), then move on. We held hands in the movie theater and hug when we greet. We did get to kissing, but it's always at the end of the date in the car just before one of us gets out so there's not much time. After the 1st kiss I kissed her again and then another time I kissed her and then she kissed me again. It's just really quick. I did kiss her on the cheek as well. I don't mind not doing PDA, but I'd like to be able to cuddle and makeout with her. We get these moments at restaurants, the park or whatever and I don't know if it's right to act on them.
Lotsgoingon Posted July 18, 2021 Posted July 18, 2021 Keep kissing. So you say the kisses are quick. Is she ending the kisses? Are you? Are both of you? The dynamic is you kiss, see if the other person is interested and matches your kiss. If you want and you feel the other person is interested, you prolong the kiss or do multiple kisses. I'm not sure what's holding you back. Also, you can just tell her you long for a longer kiss.
Author max3732 Posted August 6, 2021 Author Posted August 6, 2021 On 7/17/2021 at 11:24 PM, Lotsgoingon said: Keep kissing. So you say the kisses are quick. Is she ending the kisses? Are you? Are both of you? The dynamic is you kiss, see if the other person is interested and matches your kiss. If you want and you feel the other person is interested, you prolong the kiss or do multiple kisses. I'm not sure what's holding you back. Also, you can just tell her you long for a longer kiss. Just to follow up with this since we have another date and I didn't see this before. In thinking about I don't really know who is ending the kisses. Last time I opened my eyes to look at her lips and try to figure out how to do an open mouth kiss but didn't know what to do so kept with the closed ones. Then I think when I need to breathe I kind of pull away and then I just kind of look at her and smile and then say how much I'm looking forward to seeing her again and then get out of the car. I'm just so nervous/excited/scared I might be the one who runs away. I also feel rather uncomfortable holding a kiss for too long in the front seat because it's such a weird angle. I'd love to be able to kiss for a while on somewhere more comfortable. Is there any rule of thumb for talking about this aspect? I kind of brought it up when we were talking about something and I said "I can tell from earlier you have good taste" (we kissed briefly in private earlier for the 1st time in a place besides a car) and she laughed and said I'm being very flirty. Can I tell her at the end of the date I'd like to kiss a little longer than we've been doing and that I'd like to cuddle with her or is that just something I'm supposed to initiate when we're alone. Again we're meeting at a restaurant half way and then going for a walk. From what she's said and her texts she's really excited about seeing me and enjoys our dates. I'm planning on holding her hand and trying to really have an in depth conversation as well as fun to really try to get to know her.
Lotsgoingon Posted August 6, 2021 Posted August 6, 2021 Absolutely you can say that, but go ahead and tell her your real thinking. I get nervous in this situation. But I really enjoy kissing you and I wanna kiss you longer." I have to tell you though: if you guys keep dating, this kissing issue will take care of itself. You guys will solve and resolve it. One night you'll both just start talking and it'll feel safe to discuss kissing preferences and fantasies. Seriously you don't have to worry about this.
basil67 Posted August 6, 2021 Posted August 6, 2021 3 hours ago, max3732 said: Then I think when I need to breathe I kind of pull away If you want to maintain a kiss, breathe through your nose 3 hours ago, max3732 said: I also feel rather uncomfortable holding a kiss for too long in the front seat because it's such a weird angle. I'd love to be able to kiss for a while on somewhere more comfortable. When the couple is really hot for each other, an awkward angle won't stop them
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