Lisa_Lisa Posted July 15, 2021 Posted July 15, 2021 I texted my guy earlier in the day to see him that night and he was a bit standoffish (there is a backstory to this) and vague. I declared that I'll keep my distance and then he changed his mind about seeing me and agreed to meet. Before I left, he texted that he was going to shut his eyes for a bit. I was wary of that comment - why would he do that if he knows I'll be coming by - so I said I'll be there between 8:30-8:45 pm. I drove there and it took about 30 mins. When I arrived, I called, and called, and called again. I texted then left a voicenote on Whatsapp and called and left a voicemail. I was not angry when I left these messages. I ended up driving to a friend's house so the night wasn't a total waste. My guy texted me an hour after all my calls saying he thought he left it on vibrate or something. He had it in his hand or something or other. He's so sorry and am I still outside. It would have been stupid of me to hang out outside for an hour hoping he wakes up. No way, that's why I left. I didn't answer, but when I got home at midnight, I was seething. I felt like he did it on purpose. I texted him, "I take back every nice, flattering, or loving word I ever uttered or felt for you. I feel nothing for you anymore. You're a mean, inconsiderate, unappreciative, and selfish person and I hope someone treats you worse." He hasn't answered that, but what can you say? I feel like he was trying to get rid of me anyway, so standing me up was the way to go.
d0nnivain Posted July 15, 2021 Posted July 15, 2021 He fell asleep. He was tired. Yes it was inconvenient for you & he should have checked that the volume was up or the door was unlocked. But your text was over the top. Since you have effectively broken up with him, there is nothing let for him to say. The two of you are now done. Just be done. 2
Gaeta Posted July 15, 2021 Posted July 15, 2021 Let's talk about that back story because I see nothing in your story to justify breaking up with him on the spot because he felt asleep. 2
smackie9 Posted July 15, 2021 Posted July 15, 2021 Sounds like you two were butting heads and not getting along...your egos were getting in the way. When this happens...there's nothing left to fight over. Take a break, leave him alone for awhile. 1
Author Lisa_Lisa Posted July 15, 2021 Author Posted July 15, 2021 He came over to my house the weekend of July 4th and during "the act" he said some flirty things, but then asked a question completely out of context, am I talking/seeing other men. I said, not really, and he asked if he could check my phone. I thought that was way over the top so I said men talk to me. He asked me to elaborate so I said I went out on a date with one man, dinner and drinks. And then he stopped and sat down and wanted to talk about it. He thinks a text I received once at night was from a man and not a cousin as I stated once. He thought I was lying. I didn't understand why he was acting this way. I asked, do you want to be exclusive or something? He said no. We got into an argument about me and other men and I told him I just had a date, nothing else. I want you, I'm attracted to you, I'm obsessed with you. That last part just came out, but it was a game changer. In my defense, I was letting him know how much I care about him. Mind you, this is a man who recently this year began telling me he loves me, looks into my eyes and tells me he loves me, but is not at all exclusive with me and doesn't want to be. He is still hurting from his break up back in February. So the weekend was a bust because my saying I was obsessed with him has made him think we need to chill out and back off from our "thing." At first, I didn't think anything of it, but when I tried to see him yesterday he was standoffish and vague and said he just wants me to find my own happiness. So now, given what I wrote, it was a way to take my power back. I had to put my foot down at some point. I think he'd feel more attraction for me if he respects me. I know our "thing" is not meant to last, but I felt so deeply for him, and now, I just feel empty.
JRabbit Posted July 15, 2021 Posted July 15, 2021 7 minutes ago, Lisa_Lisa said: So the weekend was a bust because my saying I was obsessed with him has made him think we need to chill out and back off from our "thing." At first, I didn't think anything of it, but when I tried to see him yesterday he was standoffish and vague and said he just wants me to find my own happiness. This shouldn't be a surprise though, you know you aren't exclusive. He doesn't really owe you much if you aren't an actual couple. Sorry. He told you where he stands and where his head is at (not over his ex) so you saying you love and are obsessed with him would not shockingly send him off.
d0nnivain Posted July 15, 2021 Posted July 15, 2021 1 hour ago, Lisa_Lisa said: So now, given what I wrote, it was a way to take my power back. I had to put my foot down at some point. I think he'd feel more attraction for me if he respects me. I know our "thing" is not meant to last, but I felt so deeply for him, and now, I just feel empty. I understand the emptiness. The feeling often follows a break up. That text wasn't you "taking [your ]power back". It reads as a petulant tantrum. You would have been better off cooling down & saying something along the lines of This hasn't been working for a long time but you "falling asleep" was the last straw. It was rude & shows me just how little you value me or this relationship. I'm done. Same idea but less tantrum-like 3
Wiseman2 Posted July 15, 2021 Posted July 15, 2021 2 hours ago, Lisa_Lisa said: I texted him, "I take back every nice, flattering, or loving word I ever uttered or felt for you. I feel nothing for you anymore. You're a mean, inconsiderate, unappreciative, and selfish person and I hope someone treats you worse." He hasn't answered that. In a way, it's good it came to a head and imploded. It was a lot of nebulous nonsense hookups causing both you a lot of headaches for a little sex. 2
Sun Seeker Posted July 15, 2021 Posted July 15, 2021 Your whole 'relationship' with this guy sounds like a complete mess. Being stood up for the date/him falling asleep is the least of your worries. This is going nowhere, red flags galore.
Miss Spider Posted July 15, 2021 Posted July 15, 2021 (edited) Obviously the backstory matters a little bit here but if a guy stood me up I would not be seeing him again Edited July 15, 2021 by Cookiesandough
CaliforniaGirl Posted July 15, 2021 Posted July 15, 2021 How long were you guys seeing one another? And why do you think he would do that "on purpose"? Had you been fighting?
d0nnivain Posted July 15, 2021 Posted July 15, 2021 21 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: Obviously the backstory matters a little bit here but if a guy stood me up I would not be seeing him again Getting stood up is one thing; falling asleep may earn someone a little slack but this whole thing was a train wreck so it's good that it's over.
Author Lisa_Lisa Posted July 15, 2021 Author Posted July 15, 2021 27 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said: How long were you guys seeing one another? And why do you think he would do that "on purpose"? Had you been fighting? It was a mess from the beginning. I chose him because of the excitement and sexual lust and he chose me because of the sex and connection. We've been seeing each other off and on for 4 years. He was wanting to spend more time with me, take me out, invited me to ComicCon, wanted something more or at least that's what he made me believe plus he was saying I love you and all that so I guess I let myself believe it, but wanting to check my phone to see if I was talking to other guys was a stupid comment. I don't belong to him and he doesn't belong to me. It was when I was defending myself against his comment that I was lying to him that I confessed that I've had deep feelings for him and I'm obsessed with him. Once I said that it was over. He was a bit different, but still said he wanted to see me up until yesterday where he said he just wants me to find my own happiness and wishes we can just be chill and casual. But I think he may have had a change of heart once I said I was on my way there so he stood me up. And that was the last straw for me. It was a major disrespectful move so I'm guessing he planned that so I'd get angry and dump him so I did. He got what he wanted. I'm glad I wrote what I wrote because I've always let things slide before just to continue seeing him.
CaliforniaGirl Posted July 15, 2021 Posted July 15, 2021 36 minutes ago, Lisa_Lisa said: It was a mess from the beginning. I chose him because of the excitement and sexual lust and he chose me because of the sex and connection. We've been seeing each other off and on for 4 years. He was wanting to spend more time with me, take me out, invited me to ComicCon, wanted something more or at least that's what he made me believe plus he was saying I love you and all that so I guess I let myself believe it, but wanting to check my phone to see if I was talking to other guys was a stupid comment. I don't belong to him and he doesn't belong to me. It was when I was defending myself against his comment that I was lying to him that I confessed that I've had deep feelings for him and I'm obsessed with him. Once I said that it was over. He was a bit different, but still said he wanted to see me up until yesterday where he said he just wants me to find my own happiness and wishes we can just be chill and casual. But I think he may have had a change of heart once I said I was on my way there so he stood me up. And that was the last straw for me. It was a major disrespectful move so I'm guessing he planned that so I'd get angry and dump him so I did. He got what he wanted. I'm glad I wrote what I wrote because I've always let things slide before just to continue seeing him. It does sound really unhealthy. I'm sorry.
glows Posted July 15, 2021 Posted July 15, 2021 That was inappropriate and rude for him to ask you if you are seeing others and to check your phone. Finding out if the person you are dating is seeing others is not inappropriate but it's the way in which he did it that was extremely disrespectful. You asked him if he wanted to be exclusive and he said no. That's a direct and flat answer that solves all the issues right there. He's possessive, jealous and not ready to date someone exclusively or monogamously if that's what you both are. The worse case scenario, is that he was guilty and projecting if he was seeing others. If that's the case it makes him dishonest and cowardly on top of possessive and jealous. Accusing you of lying means that he doesn't trust you. Perhaps he can't trust anyone. Be wary of that. He then tried to backpedal out of the heated situation asking for it to be "chill". That is some nerve. I wouldn't tolerate that from anyone, at all. If you feel he's had a change of heart, take a time out and rethink this romance. Everything he wants and appears upset about is something he's also contradicting himself on and saying/doing the opposite. If you know this wasn't meant to last, now's the time to move on. 1
Author Lisa_Lisa Posted July 15, 2021 Author Posted July 15, 2021 43 minutes ago, glows said: That was inappropriate and rude for him to ask you if you are seeing others and to check your phone. Finding out if the person you are dating is seeing others is not inappropriate but it's the way in which he did it that was extremely disrespectful. You asked him if he wanted to be exclusive and he said no. That's a direct and flat answer that solves all the issues right there. He's possessive, jealous and not ready to date someone exclusively or monogamously if that's what you both are. The worse case scenario, is that he was guilty and projecting if he was seeing others. If that's the case it makes him dishonest and cowardly on top of possessive and jealous. Accusing you of lying means that he doesn't trust you. Perhaps he can't trust anyone. Be wary of that. He then tried to backpedal out of the heated situation asking for it to be "chill". That is some nerve. I wouldn't tolerate that from anyone, at all. If you feel he's had a change of heart, take a time out and rethink this romance. Everything he wants and appears upset about is something he's also contradicting himself on and saying/doing the opposite. If you know this wasn't meant to last, now's the time to move on. Yes, thank you for indicating that. He wants me to remain on my shelf until he's ready to play. Sadly, he is very immature, bi-polar, financially unstable, and dangerously promiscuous. I fell for him when I first met him and his elusiveness kept me longing for him for years. I kept focusing on why he didn't want me ignoring the reasons why I may not want him. And this year I felt I finally cracked him if only just a bit, but now that I have gotten to know him without any impediments I see he is no good for any person as long as he is how he is. 1
Author Lisa_Lisa Posted July 15, 2021 Author Posted July 15, 2021 I do feel like he treaded on my kindness and I acted like a doormat in a lot of ways. I own that and will set better boundaries in the future. Imagine what he'd think of me if I had actually waited in my car for an hour hoping he'd wake up. He'd totally lose any shred of respect for me, at least this way I feel like I gained some of it back. I had to finally put my foot down even though I secretly believe he was the one to dump me like this. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted July 15, 2021 Posted July 15, 2021 It's best that this is over. It's been toxic for a long time and was a powder keg. You need to delete him and work on respecting yourself more rather than letting a guy like this waltz in and out whenver he wants.
Miss Spider Posted July 15, 2021 Posted July 15, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, d0nnivain said: Getting stood up is one thing; falling asleep may earn someone a little slack but this whole thing was a train wreck so it's good that it's over. Not me. What kind of slacker falls asleep before a date . Sorry if you’re that lazy or have narcolepsy or something , takes 5 secs to text, “hey, I might fall asleep, doors unlocked “ and you’ll still get a big nope from me . Never been played bc I don’t put up with 1/2 this sorry stuff ppl here do. It’s amazing Edited July 15, 2021 by Cookiesandough 2
glows Posted July 15, 2021 Posted July 15, 2021 44 minutes ago, Lisa_Lisa said: Yes, thank you for indicating that. He wants me to remain on my shelf until he's ready to play. Sadly, he is very immature, bi-polar, financially unstable, and dangerously promiscuous. I fell for him when I first met him and his elusiveness kept me longing for him for years. I kept focusing on why he didn't want me ignoring the reasons why I may not want him. And this year I felt I finally cracked him if only just a bit, but now that I have gotten to know him without any impediments I see he is no good for any person as long as he is how he is. We all make mistakes. It's what you do with it after the fact that counts. You have a chance to start over without him. It's very good that you see him for what he is.
Author Lisa_Lisa Posted July 19, 2021 Author Posted July 19, 2021 He apologized profusely and made it up to me by visiting me at my home and talking clearly to me about being serious and pulling his weight in our relationship. I'm happy that I said what I said otherwise he'd have never known how I felt. I'm currently very happy he's making an effort.
spiderowl Posted July 22, 2021 Posted July 22, 2021 (edited) Sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it. He wanted you to be a FWB that acted more like a girlfriend, without offering you a relationship, then he wants you to be exclusive and not seeing/communicating with anyone else. I would guess that both of you started out as FWBs and that this has led to trust issues during the time you were seeing each other. Him suggesting he just wants you to be happy suggests to me he doesn't see himself as part of that, that he has opted out. He probably opted out when he realised you might be seeing others or at least that he could not control that. Not answering your call when you had turned up was rude and inconsiderate. It is possible that he just fell asleep and that he hadn't set his phone properly, but you sensed that there was more to it than that. Sounds like it is over if he is being childish and hurting you like this. I would certainly assume it is over as both of you are acting peevishly now. If this relationship was to be revived, it would need to be under different terms and conditions. Finally, he should never ask to check your phone and you should never allow him. That is controlling. If he doesn't trust you, he should just leave and the same for you. Edited July 22, 2021 by spiderowl 1
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