I have an update. I finally confronted him!

[Janie7]

Just want to update everyone and say thank you. (Here is my background  https://www.loveshack.org/forums/topic/602310-boyfriend-becoming-petty-and-jealous-since-we-started-living-together/

So I finally got up the courage to confront my bf on all our issues.  I think it went great, and I want to thank all of you all for your insight. [ ] Most of you helped me see things more clearly.  Otherwise I wouldn’t have felt confident enough to confront him.

It began with me confronting him on his snooping.  He was questioning me about Tony again, and I demanded to know how he knew all this stuff about him.  He was caught off guard and was obviously nervous.  At first he tried to lie and say that one of my friends told him. But I called his bs and he eventually admitting having our neighbor watch the place after his neighbor mentioned to him that some guy was always over and was “all over” me in the hot tub. He also admitting to going into my phone and said he was alarmed by all of our texting.

I got really angry. I explained that my phone was my personal privacy, and he was acting like my father in having me watched.  He felt really bad about it and kept saying he was sorry and it wouldn’t happen again.  He said he knew he could be jealous and controlling sometimes, but it was because he got cheated on before.  I told him I understood but that if he snooped again I was leaving him.  I also told him I wouldn’t put up with being watched.  He promised to put a privacy wall up around the back patio so this couldn’t happen again (the hot tub is out back) and he’d tell his neighbor to quit being nosy.

Then I confronted him about his desire to sleep alone and why he won’t cuddle with me as much.  I told him I missed the intimacy of sleeping with him and cuddling until we went to sleep.  He was acting cold.  He said the problem was that he always feels like masturbating when we cuddle, but he didn’t like doing it right in front of me because I’d tease him about it, and there was no point sleeping together if he was always going to be excusing himself.  I told him I was only joking when I teased him, and I didn’t care how often he had to go and relieve himself.  We argued about it for awhile, but finally found a compromise we could both agree with.  He could sleep in his own bed if he wanted, but he would always hang out with me at bedtime and cuddle.  And I wouldn’t tease him about it ever again.

Next I brought up the money situation.  I admitted that I had a spending problem, and I promised to work on that.  But I still wanted to control the household spending.  My opinion was that it was part of preparing for a healthy marriage, which is why we started living together in the first place.  He agreed but said he’d have to put me on a budget.  I said ok but was afraid he’d be too strict.  But luckily, he’s rich!  The amount of money he would let me spend on various categories of things seemed to be about what I was spending anyways, so I was very satisfied with how this worked out.

I finally confronted him then on the thing he did that was the most annoying to me, his jealousy and constant probing about Tony.  He said he wanted to trust me, but he’d been cheated on before and after hearing from his neighbor and seeing how much we text, he started to worry. I explained to him that Tony was just a good friend who had always stuck up for me in high school when I was bullied.  I said he’d always been there for me and was just a really close friend, and that we had more like a  brother-sister relationship than even a friendship. 

He said he understood but he still felt uncomfortable.  He asked me to put myself in his shoes and what would I think if he was hanging out all day with a girl friend in the hot tub.  He then wanted to know what I wore when my friends were over, but given our history I demurred on that because it would have just created more tension.  I told him that was irrelevant.

He then kept asking me, over and over in various ways, am I REALLY sure that I have no romantic feelings for Tony.  I reminded him that I’ve told him many times that Tony is in a relationship, so it wouldn’t matter anyways, but no, I have absolutely no desire for romance or sex with Tony.  At all.  I also reminded him that I’ve told him several times that I would try to cut back on the one on one time with Tony.  I also promised to only wear a one piece swimsuit when my friends come over, since that is such a pet peeve for him.

He was still a bit hesistant, but after I reminded him that relationships were based on trust, and that if he couldn’t learn to trust me then there was really no point in continuing the relationship, he agreed to not ever question me about Tony again, as long as I didn’t hang out ‘all day’ with Tony and wore a 1 piece. 

I was delighted!   I could tell he still didn’t completely trust me yet, but a deal was a deal and so problem solved.  I figure that over time he will learn to trust me more, and in the meantime I don’t have to be constantly annoyed and questioned. Plus, I was glad that he didn’t demand some sort of time limit on my time with Tony, like I’d have to set an alarm or something and then tell Tony it was time to go home.  That would be ridiculous.  Instead, all I have to do now is make sure someone is here or else end things earlier than usual, like maybe around 2 or 3pm.  I also will not have to wear some granny style swimsuit in front of my friends.  He thinks I only have one of those, but I have another much sexier one piece he doesn’t know about, and I will wear that. (it’s the kind that just has two straps that go up around your shoulder)

Anyways, that’s about it.  We already cuddled today and I already feel that things are getting better.  Again, thx to all who came with the helpful comments.  I don’t know, but I guess everything worked out? 

Edited July 15, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility

[Lotsgoingon]

GREAT job. Great move.

But ... do NOT give him a pass on that jealousy. If that shows up again, dump him. Some people simply have jealous minds and personalities, and they don't really change. Do NOT put up with that. It's a waste of time. The jealousy always returns. 

Overall, though, great job. I felt like I could feel your confidence as I was reading your summary of the action!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Ami1uwant]

At least your not homeless……

 

I what exactly is cuddling to you?

[LynneVicious]

 It may be just me, but reading your update sounded like the confrontation was a ‘victory’ to you and you got everything you wanted. I see absolutely no compromise here and not one iota of how this will help prepare you for marriage. 

Still spending tons of his money? Who cares - he’s rich! Check

Still get to hang out with boy toy and boyfriend must never question you about it? Check

Stomping on his boundary of feeling uncomfortable in his own house by partying all day? Check 

Boyfriend doesn’t want you half naked around Tony so you have backup Uber sexy one piece swimsuit? Check

Get to cuddle boyfriend and get validation whenever you want but then he gets relegated to his room with his blue bolls? Check

The only thing you compromised on was not ‘teasing’ him when he ‘relieves’ himself. 

#winning

[Janie7]

2 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Overall, though, great job. I felt like I could feel your confidence as I was reading your summary of the action!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thx, Lots.     Yeah, I was afraid of confronting him because of his bad temper, but eventually my annoyance with him overcame my fear.  

1 hour ago, LynneVicious said:

 It may be just me, but reading your update sounded like the confrontation was a ‘victory’ to you and you got everything you wanted. I see absolutely no compromise here and not one iota of how this will help prepare you for marriage. 

Still spending tons of his money? Who cares - he’s rich! Check

Still get to hang out with boy toy and boyfriend must never question you about it? Check

Stomping on his boundary of feeling uncomfortable in his own house by partying all day? Check 

Boyfriend doesn’t want you half naked around Tony so you have backup Uber sexy one piece swimsuit? Check

Get to cuddle boyfriend and get validation whenever you want but then he gets relegated to his room with his blue bolls? Check

The only thing you compromised on was not ‘teasing’ him when he ‘relieves’ himself. 

#winning

Well, I am sorry if you got that impression.  I was not out to 'win' anything, I just love my bf very much and really wanted to work things out.  We have been together for 2 years and in spite of these recent issues he's been the best bf I ever had.  

As far as me compromising, remember I also agreed to try and cut back on spending time with Troy, to tone down on the flirting, and to wear a one piece swimsuit.

[Lotsgoingon]

You compromise from a place of equality--when there is mutual basic respect and decency already in place. He was treating you like dirt. You don't compromise with people treating you like dirt. Yes, in this case you want them to back ALL the way off. You want to give NOTHING. 

You don't compromise with controlling and manipulative stuff. Absolutely not. You compromise on music volume, movies you want to watch and go see, vacation choices and other matters BECAUSE there is fundamental respect in place. You didn't have any fundamental respect in place. Therefore, there is no compromising--only putting up with bullying.

Great job!

 

 

[chillii]

Just wondering about the hot tub guy. So you think your bf has problems bc you jump into the tub with another guy and he's all over you ? Do you like him in the tub with other women in bikinis all over him ? Might have that wrong but that's how it sounds. Also wondering if your fine with him texting other women all the time or having them over there when your not home ?

And also these friends your in bikini's around are obviously more males then bc it wouldn't matter if they were females , right ? So is he allowed to hang out with other women when your not there in his underpants , bc that all a bikini is.?

Just thoughts .

Edited July 15, 2021 by chillii

[basil67]

2 minutes ago, chillii said:

So is he allowed to hang out with women when your not there in his underpants , bc that all a bikini is.?

I think the word you're looking for is Speedo 

 

Edited July 15, 2021 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

Just curious. Why do you hang out with Tony all day? Do either of you work or go to school?

 

[d0nnivain]

Your BF is not going to "learn" to trust you until you learn to behave in a trustworthy manner. 

The idea that you got upset when he said he was going to put you on a budget is entitled & spoiled.  It's his money.  You have done nothing to earn money & have no right to dictate how much he gives you.  He's paying for you to go to college for heaven's sake.  Be grateful. 

As for the alleged invasion of privacy, who pays the cell phone bill?  If he does, you have zero expectations of privacy in a device he pays for 

In your BF's shoes I'd practically have you under surveillance.  This whole thing seems like you are using him.  I feel bad for the guy.  

[Caauug]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

The idea that you got upset when he said he was going to put you on a budget is entitled & spoiled.  It's his money.  You have done nothing to earn money & have no right to dictate how much he gives you.

Yep, but after all it really comes down to a business deal really.... She has a bit of fluff and he has money, how much will he put up with and how much can she get away with until the deal goes sour??? 

[Fletch Lives]

This sounds like fiction

Edited July 15, 2021 by Fletch Lives

[assertives]

2 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

This whole thing seems like you are using him.  I feel bad for the guy.  

Frankly sounds like he's behaving like her dad.

[norealusername]

Your boyfriend is a simp. A real man wouldn't put up with any of this.

[Caauug]

YOU GO GIRL!!!!! STAND YOUR GROUND!!! WIN WIN WIN!!!

This isn't going to happen with every BF.... Play it as long as you can. 

Some really good wins:

Phone out of bounds, so unlimited texting, calls, etc.... No snooping all around.... This is a ticket for total (sexual) freedom!!!

Privatized hot tub, got to love this one.... Forget the one piece for Tony or you, just go raw now!!!

Money 

And everything @LynneVicious said....

============

I hope he tied the knots, but how much slack in the rope did he leave you???  I guess you will find out.... 

Just get that ring(s) and paper work, get preggo and claim DV, have him locked up and go for the lot!!!

And women why TRP is gaining ground???

 

 

[jspice]

55 minutes ago, Caauug said:

YOU GO GIRL!!!!! STAND YOUR GROUND!!! WIN WIN WIN!!!

This isn't going to happen with every BF.... Play it as long as you can. 

Some really good wins:

Phone out of bounds, so unlimited texting, calls, etc.... No snooping all around.... This is a ticket for total (sexual) freedom!!!

Privatized hot tub, got to love this one.... Forget the one piece for Tony or you, just go raw now!!!

Money 

And everything @LynneVicious said....

============

I hope he tied the knots, but how much slack in the rope did he leave you???  I guess you will find out.... 

Just get that ring(s) and paper work, get preggo and claim DV, have him locked up and go for the lot!!!

And women why TRP is gaining ground???

 

 

WOMEN here have been telling her what she’s doing isn’t right. 
 

So all women have to put up with “TRP” rubbish because her boyfriend is happy for her to mistreat him like this? Because THIS woman has no boundaries and her boyfriend has no backbone? 
 

GTFOH 

[Caauug]

19 minutes ago, jspice said:

So all women have to put up with “TRP” rubbish because her boyfriend is happy for her to mistreat him like this? Because THIS woman has no boundaries and her boyfriend has no backbone?

No, I am not saying anyone has to put up with anything, and no one does.... 

As I have stated here many times..... People treat you, the way you allow them to teat you.

The next step is, expect consequences for treating (mistreating) people like that. This applies to both male and female, just so happens OP is a female... 

 

PS: For the other side of TRP go to Reddit FDS...

Edited July 15, 2021 by Caauug

[smackie9]

4 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Your BF is not going to "learn" to trust you until you learn to behave in a trustworthy manner. 

The idea that you got upset when he said he was going to put you on a budget is entitled & spoiled.  It's his money.  You have done nothing to earn money & have no right to dictate how much he gives you.  He's paying for you to go to college for heaven's sake.  Be grateful. 

As for the alleged invasion of privacy, who pays the cell phone bill?  If he does, you have zero expectations of privacy in a device he pays for 

In your BF's shoes I'd practically have you under surveillance.  This whole thing seems like you are using him.  I feel bad for the guy.  

This 100%^^^^^^

[JRabbit]

13 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

But ... do NOT give him a pass on that jealousy.

I mean, shes hot tubbing, flirting, sitting on laps and what not with her "friend" so I think dude has a right to be a bit jealous....

[Crazelnut]

To everyone cheering & high fiving her: have you read her other thread? Her fiance is NOT the bad guy here. He's not a control freak. He's a man who is tired of being teased and used, and he's tired of his fiancee's inappropriate behavior around other men. I pity him. 

[introverted1]

6 minutes ago, Crazelnut said:

To everyone cheering & high fiving her: have you read her other thread? Her fiance is NOT the bad guy here. He's not a control freak. He's a man who is tired of being teased and used, and he's tired of his fiancee's inappropriate behavior around other men. I pity him. 

I don't see anyone cheering and high-fiving.  Most of us are pretty disgusted by OP's behaviors. 

Personally, I'm hoping the bf comes to his senses and ends things.

[Andy_K]

This sounds more and more fictional.

If it's true, well congrats... guy is more or less wrapped around your finger now. Might as well continue to act like an entitled leech.

[Miss Spider]

Yes, this almost reads like fiction written by a guy to prove a social experiment on  how far women can go before people stop taking her side. If it’s not, I mean, that’s really bad. 

[d0nnivain]

2 hours ago, introverted1 said:

I don't see anyone cheering and high-fiving. 

I think there are some sarcastic responses in here that could be misinterpreted as supportive.  

[mark clemson]

I'm not sure this BF is being used so much as being willing (in accepting Janie's "terms") to forego his needs temporarily for a potential "big win" LT.

Janie, it appears at least, seems sincere and intent on marrying him .

So BF is accepting (significant) ST pain in return for the (potential) LT gain of a very attractive, younger wife who will presumably screw him plenty once they finally tie the knot. Given that she is an avowed Christian he may also anticipate/expect loyalty AND possibly her being a good Mom to his kids, etc once she grows up a bit/college is over.

So I see this less as OP is playing a sort of game and/or using him as they both have essentially an arrangement where certain things are being deferred and certain things are being promised (or at least strongly implied). Promises don't always pan out, but I see this less as "mooching" (at least not deliberately) and more as him being willing to "invest"/gamble on his potential big win.

In 5-6 years "poor" BF may be the envy of the neighborhood with his very attractive wife who's also a good mom, etc, etc. This (to us) large amount of money may simply be worth it to him. Also if he doesn't have sex before marriage due to be a Christian/dating Christian women, it's not like he would be getting it anyhow.