Runninggirl Posted July 14, 2021 Posted July 14, 2021 My ex suffered from depression throughout the majority of our relationship, the severity was very changing. At times very functioning, but also sometimes really bad. A bad period was likely the main reason for our break up (he would typically act out). He broke up with me several times when things very bad, but after a few weeks quickly realized it wasn't about me. This time around I went into no contact, and because of covid we never reconciled. This break up has been the worst time of my life, but I stayed away, because I know its a vicious cycle. Typically he would break up, make himself feel even worse, and hit some sort of a breaking point, where I was the only one who would help him out. I think the joy of reconciliation often felt like a "kickstart", because that's when he typically felt the best. Also because he needed to hit that point of desperation to be able to talk about and admitting to how he feels. He often said I was the only one who really knew him, because no one else really picks up that he's depressed, and he's unable to talk about it - he expect people to understand it. I know him and his tells very well, so I easily notice signs things aren't going so well. Its very hard to be on the sideline and not being able to do anything, especially broken up, because Im not really allowed to "try". Its hard to stay in no contact, hard to be passive when I feel like no one is helping him. I love him, and I care so much about him, he has been my best friend for all the years we were together, so it feels horrible to let him be. I know its no longer my place to be there, so Im looking for advice on how to stand by, how to you leave someone you love alone when they need someone? Its ok he broke up, I just really wish I could be there for him. But I can't, because that's unfair to me, because that's just prolonging my grief. But I feel so selfish for doing nothing.
Author Runninggirl Posted July 14, 2021 Author Posted July 14, 2021 Btw this is not always of course. But for the past few weeks he's getting increasingly worse, and seeking attention, to be seen, and its difficult to feel like Im the only one who sees it, and if I dont do something no one will. (If I was worried he was suicidal or similar I would of course reach out regardless, just so that's clear.)
Wiseman2 Posted July 14, 2021 Posted July 14, 2021 1 minute ago, Runninggirl said: He broke up with me several times. no one else really picks up that he's depressed, and he's unable to talk about it. That could just be abusive chaos manufacturing. On/off is nonsense, hurtful and draining. Stay away from him and focus on your own depression. A physician/psychiatrist could easily 'pick up if he has depression'. You need to block and delete him from all your messaging apps and social media. 1
d0nnivain Posted July 14, 2021 Posted July 14, 2021 There's nothing for you to feel guilty about & you are not selfish. You broke up for valid reasons. Sometimes people make themselves unlovable, meaning no matter what you do, there is just no way to have a healthy relationship with them. You have been apart for 1.5 years at this point. Just stop looking at or listening to whatever or whoever is giving you info about him. What you don't know -- because it's no longer any of your concern -- can't make you upset. Sometimes ignorance is bliss 1
Author Runninggirl Posted July 14, 2021 Author Posted July 14, 2021 @Wiseman2 I really wish he would see a psychiatrist, but I dont think he will. I won't contact him, but still difficult to deal with the guilt of not being there. Im planning on starting seeing a therapist myself, but I know Im more "functioning" in my daily life when depressed than he is. I also have better family and friends. 1
glows Posted July 14, 2021 Posted July 14, 2021 Enough is enough at some point. Tell your therapist when you start seeing one your strong desires to help and the way you feel. That is stopping you from moving forwards. You're preoccupied with helping someone so much that it's to your own detriment. Be honest about everything you think and feel. I'm very glad that you have family and friends who are supportive.
Lotsgoingon Posted July 14, 2021 Posted July 14, 2021 1 hour ago, Runninggirl said: (If I was worried he was suicidal or similar I would of course reach out regardless, just so that's clear.) Actually this is NOT your job or responsibility--it's a fantasy. We don't live because one person calls us. That's not the way life works. Depression runs through my family, I've suffered it myself, have dated depressed people. A partner is not the solution to depression. Not. Never. The way you get over this pull back towards him is to get a life. You're so lost in rescuing this guy--getting high points out of the heroic fantasy that only YOU know what he's going through--that you don't have a life. What are your activities? Your hobbies? What reading are you doing? What are your work goals, life goals? What about friendships? You need to go and build a life that focuses on YOUR happiness. Right now, you're a bit of parasite: you're getting your meaning out of fixing, rescuing, saving someone else. That's not a purpose--that's dysfunction. Trust me: I've done the rescuer thing. Your ex needs to be in therapy multiple times a week. He needs to be going to a first-rate psychiatrist, one who is willing to try multiple medications and combinations. He needs try different therapists and commit to it. He needs to find his own mission in life and go for it. You are not his solution. You are a distraction for him. Just to be brutally blunt here: people don't kill themselves because an ex partner doesn't return their call. That they are thinking that an ex not returning their call is grounds for suicide just says they are suicidal. Look up "rescuers" ... look up "boundaries" ... look up "rescue fantasy" ... look up "codependency." The bottom line is: get a life! You! You're the one in trouble here. Get a life! Focused on you and your pleasure and goals and values! 2
Author Runninggirl Posted July 14, 2021 Author Posted July 14, 2021 @Lotsgoingon I think you misunderstood my post a bit. The reason for his depression is not me, and Im not saying he would become suicidal without me, I simply meant that if his depression were in any way borderline suicidal I would obviously reach out, like I would for anyone if they were a risk for themselves. Im also not getting any "fix" out of this, its not giving me anything, his depression has only taken. The only "fixes" I would get were the periods of relief when he felt good and we were good. I have plenty other stuff going on, but my topic wasn't about those things. Like I said MY life is containing a lot of other meaningful things, but his isn't, which is why I feel guilty for not helping, because Im in a better situation than him. I dont want to be a rescuer, but I wish the best for him, and I love him so I worry about him. Now that Im sort of moving on finally, I look at him differently. I dont want this for myself, but because I love him and I wish for him to get better. And so it pains me to know I could be there and make him feel better, because I know him, but then again I cant. I hope that clears it up a bit
Lotsgoingon Posted July 14, 2021 Posted July 14, 2021 The point is you can't help a depressed person outside of first insisting that they get to therapy, multiple therapies sometimes and they get a really good psychiatrist. That's it. And hate to tell you: you can NOT make him feel good. Sorry, that's a fantasy. You can't do that. Otherwise, wouldn't he already be feeling great. You were with him for a while right? So why doesn't he already feel better?! And the way you know him ... might actually be dysfunctional. When I was depressed, my ex at the time would listen to all kinds of nonsense that wasn't good for me at all. I brought her into my dark, crazy world. Yes, be kind to people who are depressed. Give them a hug. Let go of the rescue fantasy that you can make him feel better. No such thing. He might feel better after connecting with you--but that's his brain and his doing. And you are not the only person in the world he should be interacting with and opening up to. That's another dysfunction depressed people have: secrecy, shame, hiding. So this guy randomly picks you to open up to. But the more you hide the depression, the worse it gets. He needs to open up to A LOT of people, starting with therapists and doctors. He needs to go to different support groups and open up there. He needs to find other friends and family members to discuss his pain. You are no answer to his pain any more than you would be the answer to a bad cancer. Send him a warm card with good wishes every now and then. That's what you can do.
spiderowl Posted July 15, 2021 Posted July 15, 2021 I understand where you are coming from. It sounds like you have been protecting this guy for a long time and still feel guilty that you are not doing it. It is not fair on you that he kept giving up and walking away, then coming back when he wanted understanding. He was using you to deal with his depression and it seems you were as understanding as it is possible to be. He has chosen to leave and so it is up to him to live with his choice. If he gets in touch again, you will be tempted to get drawn back into looking after him. Think twice though, is it really helping him if he does not seek therapy or medication? They can help some people and reduce suffering. As someone who suffers depression myself, I know the limitations of medications and various therapies, but I also know I cannot expect a partner to cope with me needing to be picked up all the time. I could not leave a partner and then expect them to be there for me. It is not fair on them. I can understand your guilt. It is a bit like a parent who knows their child is not coping. It is not possible to switch off and pretend we don't care. Realise though, that as long as he was the one that walked out, after having options for treatment and refusing them, there is little you can do. There is absolutely no reason why you should be dragged into this repetitive cycle of suffering then rescuing him over and over. That is a form of co-dependency or at least of him using your feelings of guilt to manipulate you. What this guy needs is support and treatment from others and to understand he cannot expect his partner to solve his problems. In saying that, he probably knows this already which is why he left. He knows his moods are not good for you. If he does get in touch, point him in the direction of services that will respond to him quickly but let him know you want him to seek help because he can't keep leaving you like this. Until he has tried to get help, I would not consider getting back with him or you will be on the same rollercoaster again. 3
ExpatInItaly Posted July 15, 2021 Posted July 15, 2021 Hon, tough love coming: I've followed your other thread. This guy broke up with you ages ago and has never treated you right since. You have let him yo-yo in and out of your life, even when it was clear he was seeing others and using you for entertainment when he was bored. You need to let go. He has other people in his life that can help him. You have no clue if nobody else is trying to work with him on this. You also aren't in his life enough to say with any authority that he hasn't got anything meaningful going on. Not sure where you're getting that from, unless there's more you have not shared. I get you're concerned, but I also very much think you're still looking for reasons to hang on to him and not cut him out of your life completely. You're telling yourself he needs someone and that if you don't help him, nobody will - but you actually don't know that. As far your other thread indicates, you haven't been in his life in any significant way for quite some time so it's not clear why you feel you're the only one who sees this and the only one who could help him. What I see here is concern, yeah, but also you looking for reasons to contact him again. You need to let this be. 4
Wiseman2 Posted July 15, 2021 Posted July 15, 2021 14 hours ago, Runninggirl said: @Wiseman2 I really wish he would see a psychiatrist, but I dont think he will. I also have better family and friends. Ok. That's his choice. However on/off chaos may or may not be related to his presumed depression. Focus more on friends, family, interests, sports, work, school, hobbies,etc. Most of all focus on your own physical and mental health. Try not to project things onto people. 2
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