Dating a female with BPD

[Glassman509]

I started dating a gal more than 1.5 years ago. Early on I realized she had an explosive anger issue that she would manifest every once in a while. Early in our relationship we broke up for a month mutually because the relationship seemed non relaxed. I'm more of the codependent in the relationship and I kept hitting her up trying to get back together. Eventually we did get back together and have been experiencing the same pattern (after a couple months off) since we got back together. She doesn't have a formal diagnosis of BPD, but after reading about the disorder it's very obvious that's exactly what she is suffering from. 80% of the time she is a magnanimous, engaged, joyful person. 20% of the time she is a resentful, angry, bossy, tone deaf, bully who thinks she can do no wrong and that everything is someone else's fault. She can also cycle to this terrible person in a split second. After these episodes she is intensely apologetic, loving and generally a good person. During the episodes she pushes me away, yells, usually has to win, and many times doesn't let go of the issue and instead brings it back up later when she goes into this mode. 

Does anyone else have experience dating a woman with BPD and if so do you.have any suggestions? I love this person a lot. 

[stillafool]

Since she hasn't been clinically diagnosed with BPD perhaps that's not the problem but you are seeing it as an excuse for her bad behavior.  She could just be a high tempered, angry and bossy person.  The question is can you marry, live with or stand to be with this type of person for the long term.  If not, get away from her now.  There's no reason to put up with that behavior.  Love is not enough.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Glassman509 said:

She doesn't have a formal diagnosis of BPD

Sorry this is happening. How old is she? Does she go to doctors?

This could be anything from mood disorders to neurological disorders to  substance abuse to personality disorders to any number of medical or psychiatric issues.

So Dr. Google is not the best resource. That's because you are now operating under the assumption she has what you read about.

This is a dangerous route because you are overlooking real issues and problems and placing them in this assumed diagnosis.

For example maybe you two just don't belong together.

[glows]

You should question yourself more than her. I mean this kindly. Question why you keep "hitting her up" when she expresses a tendency to "explosive anger". On/off relationships are tumultuous and unreliable, not to mention stressful and debilitating. You may be more used to the rollercoaster of dysfunctional relationships than a healthy one. 

[ShyViolet]

You are not her therapist and it is not your place to try and diagnose her yourself by googling symptoms.  You have no idea whether she has BPD or something else.  What you really should be focusing on is your own dysfunctional behavior; why would you keep running back to a person who behaves this way, why are you "co-dependent"?  You both don't sound stable enough to be in a relationship, and need to work on your issues.

If she acknowledges that she has a problem and is actively seeking help for it, like going to therapy, then maybe this relationship has a chance.  If she is not willing to admit that she has a problem and is not interested in working on it, then this relationship has no chance.

[Acacia98]

What do you mean by "BPD"? Bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder?

[mark clemson]

Quote

Dating a female with BPD (borderline personality disorder)

Generally a recipe for disaster or at least a VERY undue amount of relationship-related stress IMO, unless it's only tendencies and not full-blown. Definitely not for the faint of heart.

If it was me, I'd steer clear. (And I get being attracted to "complicated" women BTW.  But enough is enough and too much is WAAAY too much from a true BPD.)

The real question may be why/how you made it this far, as no doubt you've put up with quite a lot.

[ExpatInItaly]

12 hours ago, Glassman509 said:

Does anyone else have experience dating a woman with BPD and if so do you.have any suggestions? I love this person a lot. 

Woman here, but I dated a man with BDP. 

In his case, he had been diagnosed (twice, by two different psychiatrists) but refused treatment. It never got better. (Notice I used "dated" in the past tense) I walked away after a little under a year. The turbulence and emotional volatility was too much and absolutely drained me.

You can't make this better and she needs a proper evaluation by an experienced and qualified professional. You don't know at the moment if she's actually suffering with BPD or if she's just ill-tempered and rude, but what you do know is that her behaviour makes sustaining a relaitonship very difficult. Neither bodes well for a future together. You also have your own work to do if you keep going back to this dysfunction. 

From experience, I can tell you that it's unlikely to have a happy ending. Sorry, man. 

[chillii]

l know you love her op and you have your 80% goods . Ha , which is probably about 20 or 30% above the average goods anyway truth be known.

lf you really , really , love her and see marriage and life with her otherwise , would she see someone. l do agree with others symptoms might add up to this or that to the blind eye and even with lots of studying up it's still the blind eye , she needs a professional diagnoses. But there are quite few other things it could also be and treatable . The fact she apologizes and acknowledges it too is a very big thing in this , she could well be help'able .

[Weezy1973]

First BPD is a spectrum disorder, so we all exhibit some of the traits from time to time. Psychologists are also loathe to diagnose people with it, although BPDers tend to be very open to going to therapy. 
 

The fact that she apologizes and takes responsibility for her actions makes me think she might not have BPD. Or at least not a very severe case. 
 

And that being said, it doesn’t matter. You’re describing abusive behaviour. Think of a man that beats his wife, then feels remorse and apologizes, only for the cycle to continue over and over. Why commit to that for the rest of your life?

[Fletch Lives]

I don't care how much you love a person - that bad attitude will keep you walking on eggshells and living a life of quiet desperation as long as you stay with her.

It's a sad thing to say but people with mental issues are too difficult to live with. 

Edited July 15, 2021 by Fletch Lives

[Miss Spider]

There was a guy that I was semi-interested in who told me that he was diagnosed with BPD. Basically, he told me his disorder makes him really codependent and he jumps to the worst case scenario if someone he’s into doesn’t answer right away or rejects him in any way. He said he’s worked through a lot of it, and I felt for him, but honestly I just didn’t want to deal with that. Not worth it, so he was out, 

[CaliforniaGirl]

I hate making judgments on threads like this because on relationship forums, every woman has BPD and every man is a narcissist. You can set your watch  by it.

You shouldn't diagnose her. 

If she's abusing you, you should leave.

[glows]

37 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

I hate making judgments on threads like this because on relationship forums, every woman has BPD and every man is a narcissist. You can set your watch  by it.

You shouldn't diagnose her. 

If she's abusing you, you should leave.

Agree. You're trying hard to make sense of the abuse but it's damaging you anyway. You have to figure out if you want to spend your life doing this with this person. I'm sorry, OP.

[smackie9]

This is a complex thing. Some is just behavior problems that are triggered by something, others it's a chemical imbalance. There is no way of knowing unless properly diagnosed by a professional. Sometimes it takes more than one opinion to actually pinpoint what's actually wrong. It's one thing to apologize each time, but it's another to actually DO something about it by admitting they need help and then getting help. If they won't accept that, you leave. Their problem is not yours to deal with. It's up to them 100%.

Edited July 15, 2021 by smackie9

[Wiseman2]

On 7/14/2021 at 12:25 PM, Glassman509 said:

I started dating a gal more than 1.5 years ago. Early on I realized she had an explosive anger issue

Putting on my lab coat and diagnosing this as nymphomania, if you've tolerated this for 1.5 years.

[butterfingerbbz]

Have you ever seen Platoon? Remember the opening scene where Charlie Sheen arrives in Vietnam clean, fresh-eyed, excited. As he and his fellow troops walk to base to report in, another troop of worn-out, dirty, experienced vets pass them by ready to leave Vietnam. One man locks eyes with Charlie Sheen and they exchange a brief, unspoken glance, as if to say "you don't know what you're in for, but best of luck." If you haven't seen it just search for it on Youtube. As I was reading your post, in a lot of ways I felt like that old worn-down vet looking at the fresh new meat.

Coming from a fellow codependent recently in your position with an abusive ex, you're heading down the exact same path. It doesn't matter if she has BPD, a neurological disorder, or just a bad temper. The fact that this behavior exists unregulated will, over the long run, beat you into submission. I've been there, and I'm still recovering from it. 80% of the time things are amazing. She's fun, outgoing, your perfect match, etc., but when that 20% rears its ugly head you're begging for it to stop, and every time it happens it's just a little bit worse. How bad can it get? In my case, I called the police on her once (which didn't in any way inspire her to change), I was afraid to go to sleep or wake up next to her because her bad behavior mostly happened at night which began affecting my sleep patterns, I found myself constantly making excuses for her, every waking moment became about keeping her good and healthy so the bad behavior wouldn't surface which caused me to drift further and further away from myself and everything that made me happy. I was miserable and resentful, and after awhile I felt like I was in a burning building looking for any possible means to escape. I finally got the strength to leave when she hit me, and who knows how bad things would have gotten had she stayed? All it takes is one exhausted neighbor to report a domestic disturbance for your life to change, which, in my case, thankfully never happened. It's been just about a year since I left and I'm still dealing with the bad effects from that relationship. Every time somebody drops a dish in the kitchen or I hear a door slam my anxiety goes through the roof. Crazy thing is, I still really love my ex and I think about her every day. I always wonder if I should have left because those good times can be so alluring, but trust me, if you have to question how things are going then chances are it's worse than you realize. You know things are bad, but your "making excuses for her" filter won't let you see how bad it really is, which you won't fully understand until you're well out of this relationship and healing.

Or, maybe she'll change? 

Edited July 16, 2021 by butterfingerbbz

[balletomane]

On 7/15/2021 at 6:54 PM, CaliforniaGirl said:

I hate making judgments on threads like this because on relationship forums, every woman has BPD and every man is a narcissist. You can set your watch  by it.

You shouldn't diagnose her. 

If she's abusing you, you should leave.

This.

I was in an abusive relationship with a man who actually was diagnosed with BPD, and I've noticed that random people on the Internet are far, far quicker to diagnose it than any clinician would ever be. This seems to have one of two purposes: demonising the partner ("See what a crazy witch I dated!") or excusing the partner's behaviour ("This is the illness talking, not my partner. If we can just figure out how to manage the illness, everything will be fine"). Neither is healthy.

If someone is mistreating you, leave. Always leave. It doesn't matter what the reason for said behaviour is. You are not responsible for it.