vwisme Posted July 14, 2021 Posted July 14, 2021 Hey all, So I've been going to therapy a lot lately and made the decision to focus on myself as I never connected my past to how my relationships turned out to be. Long story short, I have a history of being in toxic/abusive relationships (manipulative, gaslighting, etc.) and I'm breaking the cycle. I've committed to being the kind of person that only allows healthy relationships in my life and never repeating the past again. With that being said, I'm genuinely interested in hearing other people's stories of healing and learning to do relationships well. Was it through therapy? Certain books? Something spiritual? A bit of all? What are is your success story in becoming better at/in relationships?
d0nnivain Posted July 14, 2021 Posted July 14, 2021 I was never bad at relationships per se but I needed therapy, self-help books & prayer to deal with my depression & anxiety.
mark clemson Posted July 14, 2021 Posted July 14, 2021 8 hours ago, vwisme said: What are is your success story in becoming better at/in relationships? Recognizing when a red line has been crossed. In my younger "salad" days in college I was once in what I think most would consider a very unhealthy relationship. Basically this girl would scream and get into arguments with me a lot. BUT there was plenty of drunken sex. So I hung around. So I admit that was stupid (or perhaps mostly immature, inexperienced, and horny) and I like to think that I would just walk away from anything remotely resembling this now. At any rate, eventually she banged her own head quite violently on a doorknob during an argument. So here we are walking around a college campus with me her BF and she with a HUGE goose-egg on her forehead. Naturally people were starting to make assumptions that I was some sort of abuser. So THAT helped me realize what I should have known all along - that she had major problems I'd never be able to fix, there was nothing to be done but leave, and so I left. I think generally there is a concept in sales "getting to No" - which means recognizing (preferably quickly) that the customer genuinely isn't interested in buying. Applied to relationships, I think this means recognizing as quickly as reasonably possible, while giving things a chance, that this isn't the person for you/isn't what you want and then kindly but firmly ending things so as to give both of you "time back" in your lives to find something that IS what you want. Can be easier said than done if you really like the person and/or emotions are clouding your judgement. 1
Author vwisme Posted July 15, 2021 Author Posted July 15, 2021 19 hours ago, d0nnivain said: I was never bad at relationships per se but I needed therapy, self-help books & prayer to deal with my depression & anxiety. Completely understand that. Would those things not affect your relationship(s)? Maybe a relationship wasn't the catalyst for dealing with those things but I'm sure doing so vastly improved your relationship(s).
Author vwisme Posted July 15, 2021 Author Posted July 15, 2021 13 hours ago, mark clemson said: I think generally there is a concept in sales "getting to No" - That's a really good point. I've realized that getting to no is not as hard for me as I can spot red flags BUT my lack of self-esteem (in the past) has led me to stay around knowing it was a dead end. Now I've learned to love myself enough to just walk away. That's some good advice. Gracias. 1
d0nnivain Posted July 15, 2021 Posted July 15, 2021 I'm sure they effected my relationships. It's no fun being with somebody who is depressed but for the most part I always dated kind, supportive men. My husband is understanding. So in a lot of ways I don't think my issues adversely effected my ability to pick a good partner or sustain a relationship. When my past LTRs ended the split had nothing to do with my mental health. 1
Author vwisme Posted July 15, 2021 Author Posted July 15, 2021 @d0nnivain I understand what you mean now. I've been in that state as well or lethargic/apathetic and was no fun myself. Thank you for sharing.
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