FindingGround Posted July 13, 2021 Posted July 13, 2021 It's not to say there weren't any ups and downs before moving in, but since his old flatmate left and I moved in to his flat, it's been issue after issue. Mostly it's all new issues though with his rudeness to me and his refusal to properly apologise. He always has to explode first and make me feel awful for coming to him with an issue, then silence for hours, then a "let's both apologise" type of thing as if I had caused it in any way. During his explosions he'll say horrible things to me, some of which have been really hard to get over. Issues have been about money where I've felt I'm overpaying for my share of things, or asking to only pay for what I will actually eat since I'm vegetarian and don't want to split his meat bills, yet he'll eat my food without paying or replacing it. I'm not nit picking with it, I'll happily let him use loads of my things, but with big weekly food shops I just want it to be fair and don't feel his reaction to me is reasonable or that I deserve to be called insulting names over it. I added 3 things to his online food shop order today and wanted to calculate what out of the £100 bill I'm actually going to be using as I didn't see my share being more than £15, and he spoke to me badly and accused me of not trusting him for wanting to see the cost of my own things instead of just him knowing it! This was a first but hasn't sat right with me. I don't eat pop tarts and loads of his kind of food so just don't want to be out of pocket for his personal snacks. He's been rude to me if I haven't done all of the housework everytime, even 2 days after I had my first ever surgery and was still in recovery from it and still doing his housework since he was leaving a mess then going to work, has the nerve to tell me my cereal bowl I left from the morning is "disgusting" then he goes to bed without saying I love you because I had to talk to him about his attitude to me again. Since then he apologised but continued to make digs at me whenever he does do any dishes like wants me to feel bad he's doing them. Before moving in, he'd never dare tell me I'm too big. Until last year I was underweight and now I'm a UK 8 (US 4) and 8-9 stone which for my age and height is totally healthy. Since moving in, he's frequently made comments about me being big, wiggling my legs and saying uncalled for things about my acne like "you could buy this acne sucking machine"- 'no they don't work on my acne'- "well you could put it on your legs and suck the fat out" ?!?! I've told my friends this and they were disgusted and would never let their partner say things like that to them. I've had to sit down with him and try to say how upset it's been making me, and then he uses "well, you said X to me 2 weeks ago" before dealing with what I've actually come to talk about, and it spirals out with no apology for hours, by which point it feels fake just to stop the argument. A petty example of fights wearing me down from today is I moved his things off of my bedside table and put them on his to tidy up and clear room for my own things to go there (he has room on his own side and I never knew this would be an issue). He then made it an issue and blocked off my whole bedside drawer with a clothes basket that doesn't fit in the space at all and stops me from being able to even get into my side of the bed. It's childish and petty, but it's spiteful like he wanted to get back at me for wanting to be able to use my own side for me and not for his pens and crap that he never uses! I'm trying to weigh out the pros and cons of staying now after being with him for a year. Sometimes he says things like he's adapting to me being here all the time, but then when I think about it, it feels like he's just derailed it into my fault again for existing in my home that I pay 50% for, and he never treated his old flatmate like this. 2
d0nnivain Posted July 13, 2021 Posted July 13, 2021 While there is always a period of adjustment moving in together there is no excuse for rudeness. You two needed to deal with the money issues before moving in but again there is no cause for rudeness over it or cheating a loved on out of money by mooching. Nobody your size is big. If he's calling you fat, he's a jerk. The whole silent treatment thing is BS. It's not how mature people resolve their differences. Move out. He's unlikely to change if he already isn't hearing you. 3
clia Posted July 13, 2021 Posted July 13, 2021 23 minutes ago, FindingGround said: During his explosions he'll say horrible things to me, some of which have been really hard to get over. don't feel his reaction to me is reasonable or that I deserve to be called insulting names over it. he spoke to me badly and accused me of not trusting him He's been rude to me if I haven't done all of the housework everytime Since then he apologised but continued to make digs at me whenever he does do any dishes like wants me to feel bad he's doing them. he's frequently made comments about me being big, wiggling my legs and saying uncalled for things about my acne like "you could buy this acne sucking machine"- 'no they don't work on my acne'- "well you could put it on your legs and suck the fat out" I honestly can't imagine why you would want to be in a relationship with -- much less living in the same house with -- a man who treats you like this. Don't you deserve better? 3
glows Posted July 13, 2021 Posted July 13, 2021 I'm not surprised then his flatmate left or moved out. Anything else must have been better than living with this. He seems quite vindictive and shallow-minded. Those comments about your body image and acne are extremely uncalled for and emotionally abusive. Has it occurred to you that he's using you to just foot half the bills (replacement roommate) and isn't actually interested in you as a person? It does not sound like he respects you at all. 3
Wiseman2 Posted July 13, 2021 Posted July 13, 2021 38 minutes ago, FindingGround said: I moved in to his flat, it's been issue after issue. I'm trying to weigh out the pros and cons of staying now after being with him for a year. Sorry this is happening. Do everything separately. Bills, chores, shopping, eating, etc. Only pay your portion of things. Do not bother arguing. He's abusive. Don't bother talking, negotiating etc. He enjoys picking fights and wearing you down. He's creating issue after issue on purpose. He's manufacturing chaos to stay in control. You're not going to fix or change him by understanding or apologizing. Instead just walk away, be out a lot Most of all talk to trusted friend and family about the abuse as a whole not each example of nonsense such as vegan/meat etc. Most of all without talking to him, enlist the help of friends and family to extricate yourself from this. Look for a place asap, then give him notice. 1
stillafool Posted July 13, 2021 Posted July 13, 2021 I agree with Wiseman to do your shopping separately from him. If you have another bedroom move in there and let him have his room to hisself. Don''t give him sex. 1
Crazelnut Posted July 14, 2021 Posted July 14, 2021 Why are you putting up with this? He's awful to you! Nobody should put up with being treated that way. You need to find a new place to live and break up with him. He's just a mean jerk! 1
d0nnivain Posted July 14, 2021 Posted July 14, 2021 14 hours ago, stillafool said: I agree with Wiseman to do your shopping separately from him. If you have another bedroom move in there and let him have his room to hisself. Don''t give him sex. In that case, why not just move out & end things? Living like roommates & walking on egg shells sounds more stressful than it's worth 1
HadMeOverABarrel Posted July 14, 2021 Posted July 14, 2021 I could only get half way through your original post before I couldn't take reading anymore. Why are you trying to reason with him? He is a totally unreasonable guy...as in, you're not going to get a behavior change from him because he does not want to change his behavior. He wants to put you down and diminish you. Can't you see that? As they say...if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, then Quack! Quack! Quack! It's a duck! You're not going to change him or get what you need from him. What you'll get is a user who wants to take advantage of your kindness and sense of propriety while at the same time eroding your sense of self-esteem so he will be more and more in control of you and your resources. Just get away from this creep!
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