Venting !

[sowhynot]

Just a vent !

Haven't been on this site for a while - last time was 2015 when ex dumped me ...

So that's all fine -  gone and mostly forgotten - so why did I get a nightmare about an ex from 25 years ago ffs ?

I wouldn't mind - but I'd forgotten her voice - but the dream got it spot on.

Forgotten how much I missed it - and her.

And its still in my head 3 days later.

No - not going to do anything - it's seriously past history and just a dream but I admit, it's really thrown me - enough that I want/need to vent here.

Don't you just hate how sometimes your head just fs you over for laughs ?!?

 

Oh well... .. .

[sowhynot]

Gonna vent some more. Can't think straight today so I may as well do this.

Probably going to write down the whole sorry story as a warning to others 😞

 

It was a rubbish relationship from Day 1 - we hardly went out or did anything together. It was a work relationship and we both worked 12 hour shifts so did spend a lot of time together there.

My fault entirely - well, I say that, but there was always a voice in the back of my head screaming at me it was a bad idea - in fact, I pulled out of the first date as I knew - I just bldy well knew - it was a bad idea.

We'd kinda bonded by reading the same book and that morning - it was a trip to a historic garden quite a few miles away - I'd woken up early and written on the title page to 'END IT NOW BEFORE IT KILLS YOU' before throwing it away.

Then I'd driven to the train station where we'd agreed to meet and told her that this just wasn't a good idea ....

And I was absolutely right about that too - just wish I'd listened to that voice inside my head.

 

 

More to follow .....

[sowhynot]

She was from a different department at work and I knew from a mutual friend that her marriage was breaking up. So I felt kinda sorry for her - I wasn't interested other than that - in fact, mutual friend also knew someone else in the place who liked her and we both thought it would be a good thing if he ended up with her.

Let's give some names - no one here's going to ever know or find out who they are.

So yeah, Pete and I tried to get her and Bill together - little did we know that they already were ......

[sowhynot]

I suppose a bit about myself would be good for context.

I never have been at all successful with women. Not that good looking with a goodly helping of immature stupidity only makes for a loosing combination.

Not for want of trying though - I'd had a few crushes at school snd college which naturally hadnt got anywhere and looking back,  I really wouldn't blame them.

Then came the biggest mistake of my life - I met a girl at a party.

That wasn't the stupid part, mind, it's what I did subsequently which I've regretted literally every day of my life ever since.

 

[sowhynot]

Anyway, she lived miles away, was still at school whereas I was in my last year at college - no massive age difference there.

So -  we exchanged addresses and wrote letters - I was studying photography back in the days before digital was invented - to anyone younger than about 30, it was a very different world back then - even simple black and white photography needed a darkroom and equipment to get a muddy 10x8 print out, a decent camera wasn't cheap and yeah, there was definitely a bit of glamour to it all which I played up - or tried to - to the full. In fact, I'd signed out from college stores a big flash gun so I could pretend to be David Bailey (a well-known fashion photographer) at the party ... and it must have worked as I took a few of her there as well.

 

 

[sowhynot]

So ... there I was ... last year at college, working hard and doing well and now regularly writing to what was probably the most beautiful girl I have ever seen in my life.

And it just got better and better

Not only do I get a first in my degree but I land my dream job -it's like everything has come together -  just like the movies.

And then she invites me up to visit her at her parents house for a few days .....

With hindsight, I knew it wasn't going to work out - you know you get that feeling that it isn't gonna happen. Or maybe it's because you want something so much you don't dare believe that it's going to happen.

Anyway, I borrow a few decent cameras, shine my car up, pack my bag and off I go.

Edited July 13, 2021 by sowhynot

[sowhynot]

So full of the immature bravado of a 23 year old and wearing my best Miami Vice lookalike jacket, I play the part of the young and talented fashion photographer.

Possibly a more innocent age but they were very much romantic-girl-in-the countryside type stuff - not difficult as her hair exactly matched the colour of the ripening corn fields around us.

It honestly took my breath away slightly as looked into the camera's viewfinder and then realise she was actually just there in front of me. 

But she was nice as well - on the second day I'd run out of film so we just talked all afternoon ... we sat under a tree on the hill behind her parents house and chatted about everything and anything.

I was going home that evening and that's when I realised it wasn't going to happen. She'd had a phone call from someone and was on it way too long. I reversed the car out from the drive and just knew that was that - and I was right about that - she came out to wave goodbye and it was like someone had pulled the plug out from my world.