samsingha Posted July 13, 2021 Posted July 13, 2021 Okay, so I have been in a relationship with a girl from 6 months now. She is absolutely everything I want in a girl. She has always been saying that I am the first guy in her life and her first love and all. But, recent conversations tell me that she’s had a past and its my gut feeling that says it because of the way she talks. Now, I dont have an issue with past, but she says that she casually dated a guy from ‘x’ city, then after some time she tells it was a in a ‘y’ city. Then she says it was slip of tongue. Talking about intimacy, she tells she loves certain positions and stuff which is ok, but the way she describes it tells me she has experience. I confronted her about this, and she says it was slip of tongue and that I should trust her. But in past one month, I am unable to trust her words and being the OCD personality I am, I am obssessed with these thoughts. Now, I really love this girl (she has all the fanstastic values and qualities like loving, caring, family oriented), but I am unable to see her beyond those things. Unfortunately, my nature is very doubtful and I am working on it, and I want to trust this girl and move ahead with her, but my mind is stopping me continuously & letting go of those things. The moment I feel like ‘cutting her off’, I drown in depression and anxiety, but when I want to accept her, I again feel drowning in anxiety and depression. I am seeking therapy and its not helping. What do I do ? Do I let go of her, or do I let go of those intrusive thoughts. I am finding it difficult to do both now. She is the girl of my dreams, but some things I am finding it difficult to accept. she is very honest in all things which is my gut feeling, but my gut also says some things are not matching up. I am from a conservative Indian culture.
basil67 Posted July 13, 2021 Posted July 13, 2021 My guess is that she has a past and is hiding it for fear of being judged. Do you live in a culture where virginity is valued? Are you a virgin? Have you told her that you wouldn't care if she's dated and had sex with other guys? You know better than us - would be her motivation to lie about it? Also, are you getting treatment for your OCD? Whether it be this relationship or the next, you don't want to ruin it with untreated mental illness. 2
d0nnivain Posted July 13, 2021 Posted July 13, 2021 I do think she's not being honest with you about her past. It sounds like you have a legitimate issue with her lack of candor. Only you know what you can live with. This is not a decision to be made lightly. Think out it carefully. Weigh the pros & the cons. If the worst case scenario is true: she's been with at least 2 guys in the past , has sexual experience & lied to you about it, could you still see yourself getting passed that & loving her? When you honestly answer that Q, you will know what to do. You can add in the old Ann Landers Q for good measure: will your life be better with her or without her? 1
Author samsingha Posted July 13, 2021 Author Posted July 13, 2021 35 minutes ago, basil67 said: Do you live in a culture where virginity is valued? Are you a virgin? Have you told her that you wouldn't care if she's dated and had sex with other guys? You know better than us - would be her motivation to lie about it? Yes, n she knows this. She knows being a virgin matters to me the utmost. What makes you both think she is lying ? Had she had a past, she would have left me because she knows I value virginity and would feel betrayed if I figure out she is not (however I think there is no way to figure that out). But she is screaming that she is v, and she has not had any experience at all. But why do I not trust her completely ? Rest everything is just perfect.
Sun Seeker Posted July 13, 2021 Posted July 13, 2021 7 minutes ago, samsingha said: Yes, n she knows this. She knows being a virgin matters to me the utmost. What makes you both think she is lying ? Had she had a past, she would have left me because she knows I value virginity and would feel betrayed if I figure out she is not (however I think there is no way to figure that out). But she is screaming that she is v, and she has not had any experience at all. But why do I not trust her completely ? Rest everything is just perfect. Being a virgin matters the utmost to you? Just why? You really need to get your priorities in life right. This should not be one of them. 1
d0nnivain Posted July 13, 2021 Posted July 13, 2021 28 minutes ago, samsingha said: She knows being a virgin matters to me the utmost. If she was a virgin she would not have any opinion about various sexual positions. She would not be in a position to tell you what she "loves" or not because she'd have no point of reference. Since you value virginity, I think you really need to review her statements to you more carefully. Also your insistence that the rest of your relationship is "perfect" is wholly unrealistic. Nothing is perfect especially not a relationship. Since your relationship lacks trust & caused you to question her veracity on a message board, you need to figure out why you are lying to yourself about the relationship. It's hardly perfect. 3
Author samsingha Posted July 13, 2021 Author Posted July 13, 2021 1 hour ago, d0nnivain said: If she was a virgin she would not have any opinion about various sexual positions. She would not be in a position to tell you what she "loves" or not because she'd have no point of reference. Cant this come from movies or porn or just be a fantasy ? She knows it matters to me, why would she lie about it ? She has much more options than me, so do I need to think like u have said it on face value ?
Wiseman2 Posted July 13, 2021 Posted July 13, 2021 People know how to have sex. It's natural. Anyone who has seen a movie knows things like this. Your intrusive thoughts need much better management from your doctors and therapists. It's not about her. You're your own worst enemy. 1 1
basil67 Posted July 13, 2021 Posted July 13, 2021 In your opening post, you said “now I don’t have an issue with past”. What are your referring to? Are you a virgin? 2
Wiseman2 Posted July 13, 2021 Posted July 13, 2021 Do you have a choice in arranged marriages? Is 32 old for a man and 27 old for a woman in your caste system? Is being a virgin a prerequisite from your family/culture?
AnnieB Posted July 13, 2021 Posted July 13, 2021 (edited) If she tells you she is a virgin you need to take her word for it. You are projecting whatever issues you have onto her, when all she is trying to do is to date you to see if you're compatible. She's been putting up with this for six months, but even nice girls have a limit. Check yourself or you will simply lose her. Your call. Edited July 13, 2021 by AnnieB sentence structure
d0nnivain Posted July 13, 2021 Posted July 13, 2021 3 hours ago, samsingha said: Cant this come from movies or porn or just be a fantasy ? She knows it matters to me, why would she lie about it ? She has much more options than me, so do I need to think like u have said it on face value ? Maybe but it's highly unlikely. When I was a virgin I wasn't fantasizing about anything more than a kiss & I certainly wasn't watching the kinds of movies that offer info about various positions. Sex may have been implied in some of the movies but it was a very romantic non-specific suggestion nothing as explicit as positions. In short there was no place to obtain that info. Since she has preferences, what does that tell you. Assume she's a technical virgin but watches porn. I can't really square those two ideas; can you? Since she knows virginity matters to you, she told you the lie that you needed to hear: that she's a virgin. 2
SumGuy Posted July 13, 2021 Posted July 13, 2021 You say you don't have issues with her past but also say virginity is of the utmost importance to you. Those are contradictory, and she likely knows it. She may be a virgin, she may not. If she is lying to you (even though she has options) it is because she likes you and doesn't want to lose you over these views of yours on virginity. I'll be honest, know too well community where no sex before marriage was the mantra, i.e. virginity is of very high importance, and despite a few we are not judging platitudes, it always comes with negative judgments of those who are not virgins. If you are going to judge her, I don't think it is fair to her. Move on; as you say she has plenty of options. 2
Johnjohnson2017 Posted July 13, 2021 Posted July 13, 2021 There is a way to find out, though it's not foolproof. A gynocologist can check if her hymen is still intact. If it is still intact, then she is a virgin. If it's been broken, then you cannot tell if she's a virgin or not. If virginity is that important to you, then have her get checked by a gynocologist. Marriage is about trust and respect. If you already don't trust her now, you will have a tough marriage. If you are looking for a virgin, then look for a woman who has never been in a relationship. Some women value their own virginity to the point where they never go on dates, at least unchaperoned.
ShyViolet Posted July 13, 2021 Posted July 13, 2021 First of all, you should not be thinking about marriage if you've been dating her 6 months. 2
Coasting1991 Posted July 13, 2021 Posted July 13, 2021 12 hours ago, samsingha said: But in past one month, I am unable to trust her words and being the OCD personality I am, I am obssessed with these thoughts. The moment I feel like ‘cutting her off’, I drown in depression and anxiety, but when I want to accept her, I again feel drowning in anxiety and depression. I am seeking therapy and its not helping. What do I do ? Do I let go of her, or do I let go of those intrusive thoughts. OP, have you been diagnosed with OCD? Do you find yourself constantly "checking" your emotions or love for this woman, or how you feel about the possibility that she's slept with others? If so, then you might be experiencing what is called Relationship OCD, which is "theme" of "Pure" (purely obsessional, meaning no outward compulsions) OCD that cannot be fixed by going to forums (in fact, reassurance seeking is a compulsion that is part of the ROCD complex and can be detrimental). I don't say this to discourage you, just want to make sure that you're not setting yourself up for further torment. You mentioned that you're going to therapy; first, just wanted to congratulate you on that because it's no easy task. What kind of therapy is it? Is it with a licensed professional that has expertise in treating OCD? The gold standard for OCD treatment is ERP (exposure therapy), you might want to mention this to your therapist or seek another therapist with these expertise. If you DON'T think this is Pure OCD/ROCD and it's more of what you're comfortable with in your partner, then the posters above have given really great advice
Author samsingha Posted July 15, 2021 Author Posted July 15, 2021 I am having very hard time trusting this girl, because she is capable of lying is what I feel. But I really really love this girl, n I dont think I will ever be able to love another girl. I met two other girls in arranged marriage setup, but all I do is search this girl in them (THIS IS SERIOUSLY HAPPENING). If I am not able to trust her, should I simply walk away, thinking that with time, these very deep feelings will fade away ? I have taken therapy too, but some things are simply not going away from my mind ? If I marry her thinking those things where it seems she lied will not matter in the long run ? But I am not able to trust her, something inside me is stopping me, but at the same time, I am lost in love with this girl...seems I am in a mess, what should I do ?
d0nnivain Posted July 15, 2021 Posted July 15, 2021 Trust is the foundation for a happy marriage. If you don't trust her, you best think long & hard before you marry. As for "loving" her, that is not enough. Stop being so dramatic. You can & will love somebody else if you chose to.
Caauug Posted July 15, 2021 Posted July 15, 2021 From what I hear and see with todays teenagers where I live, if a girl is younger than 14 there is a good chance she still could be a virgin. No guarantees. This will not apply to everyone, every generation, every region or every country. (Don't blame me....) On 7/13/2021 at 1:30 PM, samsingha said: But, recent conversations tell me that she’s had a past and its my gut feeling that says it because of the way she talks Go with your gut.... Your gut is looking at what she is doing and what she is saying. "Actions speak louder than words".... She is showing you she has a past. On 7/13/2021 at 4:02 PM, samsingha said: But she is screaming that she is v, and she has not had any experience at all. She is telling you what you want to hear..... This is a common part of human nature expressed more by younger females (girls). You might be into say surfing, and she will tell you she likes or loves surfing....This can also apply to motor X or fishing or what ever you sport or hobby is that you have a passion for. It's easy to spot the novice with a sport or hobby, but not so easy what you are dealing with. She knows what's important, she knows what to tell you..... It's not a lie to her, if it's required to get her what she wants. On 7/13/2021 at 1:30 PM, samsingha said: Now, I really love this girl (she has all the fanstastic values and qualities like loving, caring, family oriented),... ... I want to trust this girl and move ahead with her, .... The moment I feel like ‘cutting her off’, I drown in depression and anxiety, but when I want to accept her, I again feel drowning in anxiety and depression. I am seeking therapy and its not helping. What do I do ? Do I let go of her, or do I let go of those intrusive thoughts. She is the girl of my dreams,... she is very honest in all things which is my gut feeling, I deleted some out of that quote... You have oneitis and you are only 6 months in. Don't do that. On 7/13/2021 at 5:50 PM, samsingha said: She knows it matters to me, why would she lie about it ? She has much more options than me, so do I need to think like u have said it on face value ? Try to understand that your GF does not think the same as you, her needs are not the same as your needs, her attraction in you is different than your attraction in her, her love for you is different to your love for her. This has all been forged out in time with evolution in human nature. She is your GF because she sees you in her present and future needs being met. On 7/13/2021 at 4:02 PM, samsingha said: She knows being a virgin matters to me the utmost. If you are her only lover, what makes you think she will not want to experiment with another man? She will, she will want to ride the bad boy, the rich Alfa, and the no strings attached rock star.... You are the Beta that wants her for life... She needs you, maybe not want you so much sexually.... It's only your turn...
Fletch Lives Posted July 15, 2021 Posted July 15, 2021 Stop talking with her about those things that make you jealous. In time it may not bother you, or at least not as much. So, give it some time. I'm glad that you are talking to a counselor.
Janie7 Posted July 18, 2021 Posted July 18, 2021 Being a virgin myself, I would say she is lying to you. It is unrealistic to think that she would know about what positions she likes from watching videos. However, if this is something you can get past, I would not get rid of her. She was lying because she feared you would reject her if she told the truth. She probably wants to tell you the truth, but what would be the point if that means she loses you? I would try letting her know that her not being a virgin is ok and see if she opens up about it. Of course, if it's not ok, then I guess you will most likely have to move on. Virgins don't discuss various positions they prefer or do not prefer.
spiderowl Posted July 22, 2021 Posted July 22, 2021 (edited) On 7/13/2021 at 3:49 PM, Johnjohnson2017 said: There is a way to find out, though it's not foolproof. A gynocologist can check if her hymen is still intact. If it is still intact, then she is a virgin. If it's been broken, then you cannot tell if she's a virgin or not. If virginity is that important to you, then have her get checked by a gynocologist. Marriage is about trust and respect. If you already don't trust her now, you will have a tough marriage. If you are looking for a virgin, then look for a woman who has never been in a relationship. Some women value their own virginity to the point where they never go on dates, at least unchaperoned. I find it hard to understand how anyone can say that these days. No woman should have to prove she is a virgin. What you have said is not true anyway as the hymen can break naturally. No woman should have to undergo such an invasive examination to prove 'something' to her partner. I think the OP needs to ask himself why it is so important to him that she is a virgin. If it is cultural and his family would be shocked otherwise, then he does not need to tell them anything. If it is not cultural but the way he feels, that he wants an 'untouched' woman all to himself, then that is a shame because he could end up choosing a virgin over someone he says he loves. I do agree that trust is another matter. If she has lied to him, then she may well have lied because both are in a culture where virginity is expected. In that sense, both are victims of their culture - she in her need to lie to the man she loves, he in his need to be with a virgin even if he has to give up the woman he loves. OP, if you love your girlfriend and would accept her even if she wasn't a virgin, for heaven's sake tell her, but don't lie to her. If you cannot accept her if she is not a virgin, then you might as well opt out of this relationship because it does sound as if she is more experienced. Then again, only she knows. Edited July 22, 2021 by spiderowl 2
LuckyM Posted July 24, 2021 Posted July 24, 2021 If the OCD is really disturbing you then consider asking your physician for medicine to manage this. It will not cure you but it relaxes your mind without anxiety. I know a lot about it. But I cannot not give medical advice.
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