what the heck should I do with this guy?

[confusedbumblebee]

Hi everyone, thank you for taking the time to read this post! I'll write out the whole situation and then a short summary for those (understandably) not wanting to read the whole novel:

A few months ago I moved into dorms with shared bathrooms/kitchen etc and started dating one of my roommates. This is very special for me, because it's the first time I'm actually head over heals (and I've dated quite a few very nice people). Usually I would be quite independent and distant from the person I was dating, not really caring when I was away or they were. The reason why i like him is our amazing conversations. We can talk for hours (sometimes seven, eight even) about an intellectual topic, mostly philosophical or political, (since that's our major). He said to me as well that before me he'd never encountered a person that didn't after some point find him too intense or draining and I think the same about him. Anyways, it's been about three months and we've spent almost every day at least cuddling for a short while or having very long intense conversations.  

There is one problem though: he's an exchange student and will possibly return to his country after getting his master's degree, which is in a few months. Also, he came out of a horrible three year toxic, codependent relationship, which he ended when (and according to him, because) he fell in love with me. He is finally done with his therapy and has been building his life back up since getting with me. He's truly wonderful to me, very kind, respectful and understanding, which really helps me getting over my fear of being vulnerable). He is very supportive of me as well. Has literally been a shoulder to cry on (as I have a toxic codependent parent). It's very strange to me how we didn't tire of each other after seeing each other almost every day for three month, but that's because of the intellectual discussions I think. 

Now comes the problem: I really don't know what to expect of the future. When I asked him a month ago what he thought about a relationship (in the future), he said he still felt very scared by the notion of it because of his past toxic one, but knows for sure that he really likes me and wants to spend time with me. Now I'm too scared to ask again, as I don't want to come across as too eager (and I secretly fear he doesn't want one). At the same time, recently he asked me what my longest relationship so far was. I said three months (short, I know) and then he said(asked?) that he would break that record, which kinda implies that he doesn't want this to end yet. 

The REAL problem is that I'm on a ten day long vacation and miss him a lot (this is the first time we're apart for longer than a weekend). He texted me on the first day (on whatsapp) and I replied, but he hasn't respond and it's been more than a day, while he texted in our shared group chat about something else the same evening. Right now I don't want to send him anything, because he hasn't replied yet, but I miss him and would like to text at least once in two, three days. (He has btw reacted to my ig story twice already, but still.....why not reply to my texts after two days if you were the one sending sappy texts first?!) 

perhaps good to note is that both he and I (although undiagnosed, at least for me) show some symptoms of ASD (like being obsessed or immersed in one topic for such a long time), so perhaps that could play a role in my communication difficulty? 

Last point, for both of us saying I love you is quite a feat and we really don't say it easily. He always says he loves me back (I've said it like five times in total), but never says I love you himself. Is this a bad sign? Thoughts cross my mind like: what if our love is just convenience since we live together, but he isn't attached to me at all? Is three months perhaps too soon to expect such a thing? This is my first time ever being so smitten, so could it just be oxytocin powered paranoia?

SUMMARY:

-dating my roomie for three month: amazing intellectual connection which can last hours day after day, treats me kindly and respectfully.                     

-was in a long toxic codependent relationship that he got out of because of me (according to him), is done with therapy 

-is an exchange student and will maybe move back in a few months 

-has been vague in the past whether he's psychologically ready for a relationship, but says he really likes me and wants to spend time with me 

-I'm on a vacation without him and although he texted me multiple sweet messages the first day, he hasn't responded to my replies for two days while texting in our shared groupchat. Does he not really miss me or care about me or am I just going a bit cuckoo? Might I say, this is the first time we'll be apart for longer than a weekend lol.

Anyway, sorry for the essay everyone... I tend to describe things unnecessarily detailed, so I hope it was okay to read. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited July 13, 2021 by confusedbumblebee

[Gaeta]

Really there is nothing to hope for from a man that doesn't even know if he wants a relationship or not.

"I don't know" is a polite substitute for "l'm not"

Why even getting attatched to someone leaving.

 

Edited July 13, 2021 by Gaeta

[glows]

It seems he cares about you but he's more realistic about the situation. He may be hesitant because he knows he's going back (to his home country) and he may not be quick to text you because he's more than aware also that you're getting more attached to him. He's keeping you at arm's length while still enjoying your company for now.

It's the delayed response or no response yet to your texts that's throwing you off, it seems. Show him that you don't live by your phone and you can handle not texting every day or even reading all the group chats, if you're that daring or independent. Why should you let his responses or lack of response ruin your vacation or throw you off like this? You may be dating but it seems quite casual so do enjoy the vacation as much as possible and don't pay so much attention to the texts or phone messages. Catch up with each other when you return.

[ExpatInItaly]

I agree with the above posters. 

He knows he is leaving, and he knows he doesn't want a relationship right now. I actually think it's wise of him not to let this get too deep or go too far (emotionally-speaking) when he knows there is an expiration date. 

It sucks, I know, but I think it's going to be short-lived. You would be smart to not invest any further. It is complicated because you live together, but that was an unforunate risk you both took getting involved. Enjoy your holiday and remember that there will be other men who you can develop a lovely relationship with. This guy isn't it, unforunately.  

Edited July 13, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[confusedbumblebee]

5 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Really there is nothing to hope for from a man that doesn't even know if he wants a relationship or not.

"I don't know" is a polite substitute for "l'm not"

Why even getting attatched to someone leaving.

 

Thank you for your advice! The thing is, I asked him while the wound of his codependent relationship had been fresh. 

Also, he really wants to introduce me to his friends from his hometown and old uni (mentioned this multiple times already) and take me there. He also told his mother about me, so doesn't this mean that it's not merely casual? Why do all of this if he's planning to dump me as soon as he might have to leave?

We're both from Europe, so he could stay and work for a while and we wouldn't be that far from each other: it's not even that certain that he's actually leaving?

[confusedbumblebee]

5 hours ago, glows said:

It seems he cares about you but he's more realistic about the situation. He may be hesitant because he knows he's going back (to his home country) and he may not be quick to text you because he's more than aware also that you're getting more attached to him. He's keeping you at arm's length while still enjoying your company for now.

Why should you let his responses or lack of response ruin your vacation or throw you off like this? You may be dating but it seems quite casual so do enjoy the vacation as much as possible

I'm not sure it's casual, considering we're exclusive and spend a lot of time together usually (almost everyday, long discussions/conversations). He also told his mother about me and wants to introduce me to his friends back home. But yes, you are probably right about him being more hesitant, seeing there's a possibility he might move back. 

Also, it's not him that's ruining my vacation, It's just not a very fulfilling one (was kinda forced to go lol), as I don't really like sun/beach trips and am more into city trips...

[salparadise]

14 minutes ago, confusedbumblebee said:

I'm not sure it's casual, considering we're exclusive and spend a lot of time together

If he's holding back on calling it an actual relationship, I'd be very careful about getting in over your head. As you know, he could disappear and that would be that. You mentioned talking extensively and cuddling, but you didn't say anything about sex. Are you not sexual with him? If not, I wouldn't start until you figure out whether he's in for the long haul. If you are, you can't really put that back in the bottle, but I'd be really careful. Given that you are roomies and see each other all the time, it must be hard to have so much uncertainty and be difficult to balance.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, confusedbumblebee said:

 I moved into dorms with shared bathrooms/kitchen etc and started dating one of my roommates. will possibly return to his country after getting his master's degree, which is in a few months. 

Ok. Enjoy the romance while it lasts. You like each other's company and it's easy because it's convenient.

He'll go back to his country and perhaps you can stay penpals.

Don't worry about your vacation. Enjoy. He'll be there when you get back. He has no choice, right? Since he lives there too.

[smackie9]

if it were me I would just enjoy the short term for fun. Not every relationship needs a future.