AnnieB Posted July 11, 2021 Posted July 11, 2021 Hey all, two days ago was an interesting evening for me. My work crush turned non boyfriend, who didn’t want a relationship sort of. I broke my silence to him, even though I probably shouldn’t have had to. He asked me how I was doing and I said not good. Basically I didn’t feel good today and I said I missed him, all things that are true albeit probably not good for me to admit . He said, well, you blocked me, which I did, but I also unblocked him a day or two later. He was visibly hurt about that. We were walking out the building and he took a phone call and it pissed me off once again. He walked to the parking lot without further talking to me. I was like f*** it, I’m standing outside under a roof and it’s storming pretty much hurricane level. No way I can make it to the bus. I call Uber and it’s $65 Usually it’s $14. I text him and he replies immediately and comes and gets me. On the ride home we have an all out discussion. We sit outside my house for another hour. It took me a huge amount of non avoidance to do all this. Honestly I don’t regret it, even though this was probably stupid behavior. I tell him how I feel beginning to end, all my frustrations and anger and feelings (mind you I’ve never done this in my entire life). I’ve never said anything like this to any man. He shows me texts he was trying to send me, there isn’t anything much, but how was your day. He apparently tried to contact me and his texts went green (I blocked and unblocked him in my frustration). He said he is not a puppy dog and will not chase after me. But he said he was so happy we are here. We have a conversation in which he tells me about his financial struggles (he is completely stretched thin with rent and car lease and garage and gas, the works), he has no money to date. He has no money to treat me to three week vacations (I’ve no idea why he thinks I would want that ). I tell him I could give two f***s about that. I work full time and I have no use for free dinners (I’m 41 and on a diet pretty much full time to keep my weight where it needs to be, dinners are not what I want from men), but time spent, and I don’t have that much vacation time But that I appreciate the sentiment and that it’s so sweet of him. Next thing is this is truly unheard of, no man has ever done this, he sincerely for about three minutes unprompted apologized for how he has been behaving and he understands how he has been confusing and that he is so sorry. He went on for a while about that and I was so stunned I almost forgot to accept the apology After that I hugged and kissed him on the cheek. And then he hugged me back again and he went home. Obviously nothing will ever come from this, nothing that I want, but it was really nice for my feelings to be validated by an apology. I know the financial stuff is just another excuse. It’s all excuses, and yet it was still nice to hear an apology. Call me vain:)
Alpacalia Posted July 11, 2021 Posted July 11, 2021 (edited) No, it's not vain. Sometimes it's good to get our feelings off our chest. He acknowledged your feelings are valid even if they may not be to him. Yes, the financial struggles were probably just an excuse, which you know already. Edited July 11, 2021 by Alpaca 1
Wiseman2 Posted July 11, 2021 Posted July 11, 2021 1 hour ago, AnnieB said: After that I hugged and kissed him on the cheek. And then he hugged me back again and he went home. Stay work friends, maybe carpool, but forget romance-style unnecessary drama. Set yourself free of this. Date other available men. Be work pals. 1
Author AnnieB Posted July 11, 2021 Author Posted July 11, 2021 9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Stay work friends, maybe carpool, but forget romance-style unnecessary drama. Set yourself free of this. Date other available men. Be work pals. Thank you! We were fine before all of this drama and it was really my boundaries that were lowered (by me ). He will take what he can. I will take your advice and keep him where he belongs - at work.
Author AnnieB Posted July 13, 2021 Author Posted July 13, 2021 The man is now giving me play by play text updates (all unprompted) of his days while I am on an overseas trip.
Alpacalia Posted July 13, 2021 Posted July 13, 2021 I'm not sure it's a good idea to keep in touch like that. Do you think keeping in touch will secretly win him over? It's okay if you do but you need to be honest with yourself about it. He already knows you've got the feels. 1
Wiseman2 Posted July 13, 2021 Posted July 13, 2021 1 hour ago, AnnieB said: The man is now giving me play by play text updates of his days while I am on an overseas trip. About work? If you're on holiday just ignore it, since as a coworker, you probably can't delete and block him (although that's the real solution).
Author AnnieB Posted July 13, 2021 Author Posted July 13, 2021 8 minutes ago, Alpaca said: I'm not sure it's a good idea to keep in touch like that. Do you think keeping in touch will secretly win him over? It's okay if you do but you need to be honest with yourself about it. He already knows you've got the feels. Yeah, I’m honest about my feels and all with him, of course I want to win him over or my ego does rather. But in reality I won’t know what to do with him if I do “win” him over. I’ll keep the friendly communication and hopefully can keep myself in check. I missed him more than it was worth it for me to be stoic. It is what it is.
Author AnnieB Posted July 13, 2021 Author Posted July 13, 2021 10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: About work? If you're on holiday just ignore it, since as a coworker, you probably can't delete and block him (although that's the real solution). Yeah, venting about rather, not much that I can do from here. I’m on holiday, but I’m always tuned in at my other job anyway. Which is a business and there is no vacation. So if the text comes in, I check. From whomever it is. I’m not starting any conversations with him, just a friendly answer here and there. Im not compelled to reach out. 1
Alpacalia Posted July 13, 2021 Posted July 13, 2021 3 hours ago, AnnieB said: Yeah, I’m honest about my feels and all with him, of course I want to win him over or my ego does rather. But in reality I won’t know what to do with him if I do “win” him over. I’ll keep the friendly communication and hopefully can keep myself in check. I missed him more than it was worth it for me to be stoic. It is what it is. Okay, well, right now you're saying that you're okay with it. You've gotten angry with him before so far as to block him. Then you unblocked him and the cycle continues. So, if you choose to try to be friends when you're in the friend zone, you know what you're getting yourself into. 1
Author AnnieB Posted July 13, 2021 Author Posted July 13, 2021 5 hours ago, Alpaca said: Okay, well, right now you're saying that you're okay with it. You've gotten angry with him before so far as to block him. Then you unblocked him and the cycle continues. So, if you choose to try to be friends when you're in the friend zone, you know what you're getting yourself into. I’m ok with it now, but I’m not his friend. I would not be pleased if he was seeing someone else. So I can’t be and I’m not his friend. I wish him the best, but I don’t feel it. I work with him and I have to see him sporadically, I’m limiting my own interactions with him and will limit them going forward. His reaching out to me and texting me like I’m his pal is odd and catches me off guard. He’s done this before and we’ve gone through a couple of these cycles before. My intention going forward is to be friendly and cordial and fill my time with other things. It’s not like I’ve never had to move on from a shitty situation. I’ll get over it even though it will suck for me. In my life when I’ve gotten in a bad situation like this is because I’ve let my own self esteem falter. If I work on it, things improve and I’m no longer seeking validation in an insecure dynamic. 1
Author AnnieB Posted July 31, 2021 Author Posted July 31, 2021 Update: he indeed kept texting about personal and work stuff and then when I got back we texted some more (I’m still in quarantine not returning to that job yet), then about three days went by in silence and then he called me. We had a small chat, but I’m a woman of action so I said what time you’re getting off I’m coming to pick you up. Of course when that time came he faded and went home. I asked him what’s up, why did he call me then? He said he just wanted to check in with me and that I had asked him to call me. I never asked. I said if you keep calling and texting I’m getting an idea that you want to get together. He says he is sorry for giving mixed signals. I say I’m sorry for not picking out which signals are what and what’s mixed. As I’m confusion obviously. He says, let’s not get together, he doesn’t want to give mixed signals and we should be just friends. I say, I’m sorry, but I cannot be your friend. The end.
Wiseman2 Posted July 31, 2021 Posted July 31, 2021 (edited) 13 minutes ago, AnnieB said: He says, let’s not get together, he doesn’t want to give mixed signals and we should be just friends. I say, I’m sorry, but I cannot be your friend. The end. Excellent. Now you can relax and just act like coworkers without all the nonsense . The main bonus is you are free to go out and date men who are interested rather than wishywashy Edited July 31, 2021 by Wiseman2 1
Miss Spider Posted July 31, 2021 Posted July 31, 2021 Thanks for the update. It’s all for the best. 1
glows Posted July 31, 2021 Posted July 31, 2021 15 minutes ago, AnnieB said: Update: he indeed kept texting about personal and work stuff and then when I got back we texted some more (I’m still in quarantine not returning to that job yet), then about three days went by in silence and then he called me. We had a small chat, but I’m a woman of action so I said what time you’re getting off I’m coming to pick you up. Of course when that time came he faded and went home. I asked him what’s up, why did he call me then? He said he just wanted to check in with me and that I had asked him to call me. I never asked. I said if you keep calling and texting I’m getting an idea that you want to get together. He says he is sorry for giving mixed signals. I say I’m sorry for not picking out which signals are what and what’s mixed. As I’m confusion obviously. He says, let’s not get together, he doesn’t want to give mixed signals and we should be just friends. I say, I’m sorry, but I cannot be your friend. The end. Does this answer a lot of your questions about him? 1
Author AnnieB Posted July 31, 2021 Author Posted July 31, 2021 10 minutes ago, glows said: Does this answer a lot of your questions about him? Yes, and I’m glad we talked and I got my answers. I mean I had the answers way before, but I guess for me I needed to hear it from him so that I can make my mind up. I don’t know if it’s good or bad, but that’s how I operate.
Miss Spider Posted July 31, 2021 Posted July 31, 2021 (edited) It’s good there are some people that have the courage to speak up and ask questions to get the closure they seek. A lot of people are really afraid of rejection and in some weird name of dignity don’t communicate with the people they date or even have sex with Edited July 31, 2021 by Cookiesandough 1
Author AnnieB Posted July 31, 2021 Author Posted July 31, 2021 15 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: It’s good there are some people that have the courage to speak up and ask questions to get the closure they seek. A lot of people are really afraid of rejection and in some weird name of dignity don’t communicate with the people they date or even have sex with Yes, I think for me personally the dread of assumed intentions is even more devastating than a “rejection”. I’ve told him before that he’s rejected me (by dropping off in communication, not making plans, the usual) and he said he had done no such thing and he doesn’t want to lose me etc etc. Just a bunch of bs. When he said he just wanted to be friends, I momentarily felt the sting, but it was over within seconds. I’ve been “friends” with a former flame like this for years in the past and all it did it just chewed away at me and took years away from my happiness and dating. I take real rejection over mixed signals any day, or I feel manipulated and used. Which I’m sure I was, but, it’s over not being used for friendship or sex or whatever any more.
Miss Spider Posted July 31, 2021 Posted July 31, 2021 1 minute ago, AnnieB said: Yes, I think for me personally the dread of assumed intentions is even more devastating than a “rejection”. I’ve told him before that he’s rejected me (by dropping off in communication, not making plans, the usual) and he said he had done no such thing and he doesn’t want to lose me etc etc. Just a bunch of bs. When he said he just wanted to be friends, I momentarily felt the sting, but it was over within seconds. I’ve been “friends” with a former flame like this for years in the past and all it did it just chewed away at me and took years away from my happiness and dating. I take real rejection over mixed signals any day, or I feel manipulated and used. Which I’m sure I was, but, it’s over not being used for friendship or sex or whatever any more. I’m the same way. But I guess some people feel more comfortable deluding themselves with the ambiguous. These people typically waste a whole ‘lotta time on the carousel. I respect you for knowing what you want and not settling for less 1
Author AnnieB Posted July 31, 2021 Author Posted July 31, 2021 1 minute ago, Cookiesandough said: I’m the same way. But I guess some people feel more comfortable deluding themselves with the ambiguous. These people typically waste a whole ‘lotta time on the carousel. I respect you for knowing what you want and not settling for less Thank you! I still deluded myself for a while though! I think being even more direct and “confrontational” will serve me better going forward 1
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