Boyfriend keeps giving unsolicited comments.

July 10, 2021

Even if the OP is terrible with money, commenting on that is NOT necessarily the business of a bf.

Comments that are gratuitous, unsolicited, and not asked for are annoying by definition.

BF either takes OP as she is or not.

If bf is so convinced of his superior wisdom, then he needs to ask OP if she is open to comments about how she spends her money. Otherwise, OP's bf needs to shut up.

July 10, 2021

17 minutes ago, Punterxx said:

Sounds like he sees this happening in the future, and wants you to be more careful now so you are better prepared when that time comes.

He owns his house and he persists she should save to buy her house. I would interpret this as he's not in a hurry for them to live together.

July 10, 2021

What Captain Crunch may not realize is that acquisition isn't everything.

For example you do some things which rather than pinch pennies, add quality experiences and quality time to you and your child's life.

Any fool knows you can always make money, buy homes, cars etc. but your only real asset in life is time and the quality of it.

Ok so he won't being eating catfood as a senior citizen, but as a younger man he's a misery old scrooge.

July 10, 2021

4 hours ago, Kai_Kai said:

It is not a deal breaker, but its a really annoying habit of his and can’t seem to disconnect work from our relationship. At this point, I don’t know how to proceed without coming off ungrateful for his experience and advice.

Umm, no. At this point you shouldn't be worrying about seeming "grateful for his advice." He is being nagging and controlling about something that frankly is none of his business.... at 6 months of dating it's not his place to nag you about how you spend your money. You are not being assertive enough, you are being way too nice here. The next time he does it, you need to very sternly say that you do NOT need him to tell you how to spend your money, he's not your father, you don't live together and your finances are not intertwined, so it's not his business. He is treating you like you are not an adult that can make your own decisions. This will only continue for as long as you allow it.

If I had a boyfriend that did this to me, he would do it once and exactly once before I put a stop to it. There would be no ambiguity there. The time for being "nice" here is over, stand up for yourself and let him know to STOP already. If he refuses to stop, then you need to rethink this relationship because this guy has no respect for you and is treating you like some kind of child that can't manage your own life.

July 11, 2021

I think you just have to tell him, thank you, but I'd rather make my own financial decisions and I have not asked for advice. If he does not keep his views to himself, then consider breaking up with him.

People often have different spending habits. I would be thinking more like your partner, but I have friends who think more like you. It all depends really on what you are aiming for and how long you want to wait until you get there. He seems to be in favour of 'delayed gratification' whereas you want an easier life now. There is no right or wrong, just differences in views.

He is probably more inclined towards security too as his advice is all about saving money and putting it away so that it is there for you in the future (whether that be in the form of money in the bank or assets such as a paid-for home). If you do not feel the same need for security, you are likely to make different decisions to him.

Also, some people prefer to appear 'successful' even if they haven't actually achieved that financial status yet. So, for example, some might lease an expensive car because they want to look like they can afford such a car, whereas others would run around in an old car, keeping it safe, but in order to save money for other things.

The question is, I suppose, do you want to re-evaluate your spending choices and see which are most economical and which which provide security in the future for you or not? If not, then your guy's 'advice' is not of interest to you. You might as well tell him so, in the nicest possible way if you want to keep him. It may be, though, that you two are financially incompatible long term as he is increasingly giving you advice. That suggests to me that he is getting more anxious about the way you do things financially and that anxiety is not likely to just disappear.

Edited July 11, 2021 by spiderowl

July 11, 2021

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

He owns his house and he persists she should save to buy her house. I would interpret this as he's not in a hurry for them to live together.

Owning something of my own is something that I recently started thinking about doing. I don't mind renting, but owning property would be a plus. I mentioned it to him and he has been encouraging me to save for the down payment for a house ever since. This has nothing to do what he currently owns. If we decide to live together down the line, we will cross that bridge when we get there.

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

What Captain Crunch may not realize is that acquisition isn't everything.

For example you do some things which rather than pinch pennies, add quality experiences and quality time to you and your child's life.

Any fool knows you can always make money, buy homes, cars etc. but your only real asset in life is time and the quality of it.

Ok so he won't being eating catfood as a senior citizen, but as a younger man he's a misery old scrooge.

Captain Crunch just tickles me. I seriously cant. He is not that bad, but he needs some new perspective. It's like he forgot what it is like to have a young child and the beginning stages of life where you're creating your own sense of security and comfortability. He has a point about the money spent eating out, that is the only thing I agree on.

July 11, 2021

2 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

Umm, no. At this point you shouldn't be worrying about seeming "grateful for his advice." He is being nagging and controlling about something that frankly is none of his business.... at 6 months of dating it's not his place to nag you about how you spend your money. You are not being assertive enough, you are being way too nice here. The next time he does it, you need to very sternly say that you do NOT need him to tell you how to spend your money, he's not your father, you don't live together and your finances are not intertwined, so it's not his business. He is treating you like you are not an adult that can make your own decisions. This will only continue for as long as you allow it.

If I had a boyfriend that did this to me, he would do it once and exactly once before I put a stop to it. There would be no ambiguity there. The time for being "nice" here is over, stand up for yourself and let him know to STOP already. If he refuses to stop, then you need to rethink this relationship because this guy has no respect for you and is treating you like some kind of child that can't manage your own life.

Good Point. Thanks for your perspective on this

2 minutes ago, spiderowl said:

I think you just have to tell him, thank you but I'd rather make my own decisions and I have not asked for advice. If he does not keep his views to himself, then consider breaking up with him.

People often have different spending habits. I would be thinking more like your partner, but I have friends who think more like you. It all depends really on what you are aiming for and how long you want to wait until you get there. He seems to be in favour of 'delayed gratification' whereas you want an easier life now. There is no right or wrong, just differences in views.

He is probably more inclined towards security too as his advice is all about saving money and putting it away so that it is there for you in the future (whether that be in the form of money in the bank or assets such as a paid-for home). If you do not feel the same need for security, you are likely to make different decisions to him.

Also, some people prefer to appear 'successful' even if they haven't actually achieved that financial status yet. So, for example, some might lease an expensive car because they want to look like they can afford such a car, whereas others would run around in an old car, keeping it safe, but in order to save money for other things.

The question is, I suppose, do you want to re-evaluate your spending choices and see which are most economical and which which provide security in the future for you or not? If not, then your guy's 'advice' is not of interest to you. You might as well tell him so, in the nicest possible way if you want to keep him. It may be, though, that you two are financially incompatible long term as he is increasingly giving you advice. That suggests to me that he is getting more anxious about the way you do things financially and that anxiety is not likely to just disappear.

Bottom line, I feel like he is anxious because he doesn't know the full story. He has no idea the details of my finances, which I haven't shared. So he is just spurring in what he thinks I make versus my output. He has to trust my instincts just because I am younger does not mean I am automatically going to bankrupt myself.

July 12, 2021

On 7/10/2021 at 2:24 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Only discuss your finances with your banker, financial advisor and accountant.

If he starts doing the mansplaining and know-it-all routine, change the subject.

You are only dating 28, your finances, your rent, costs, etc. are none of his business.

Do not defend yourself, do not explain yourself and most importantly do not discuss any of your costs etc. with him.

If he starts up just say "talked to my financial people, (friends, family, whatever) about it already", then change the subject.

Since he is overstepping boundaries, the onus is on you to create and enforce them.

This yes. At 6 months it is really none of his business what you do with your money unless you ask for advice.

BUT it is important that you think long term. What kind of a life would you have if you got more serious and your finances were of concern to him?

You are clearly not compatible in regards to finances. Not in regards to spending habits but in regards to accepting each other’s priorities.

I have been there and done that. Don’t make the mistake of staying with him and wasting time on a relationship that will ultimately end.

July 12, 2021

1 hour ago, lonelyplanetmoon said:

This yes. At 6 months it is really none of his business what you do with your money unless you ask for advice.

BUT it is important that you think long term. What kind of a life would you have if you got more serious and your finances were of concern to him?

You are clearly not compatible in regards to finances. Not in regards to spending habits but in regards to accepting each other’s priorities.

I have been there and done that. Don’t make the mistake of staying with him and wasting time on a relationship that will ultimately end.

LOL Geez ya’ll are straight to dumping my boyfriend. I forgot how blunt people can be when asking for their opinions on the internet But, we had dinner tonight (well Sunday night) and spoke more deeply on this topic. I didn’t yell or tell him to shut up about something that had nothing to do with him. We just talked about our differences financially and I told him sternly a little more in depth on my reasoning I got the new car and apartment. I did say I was open to doing a meal plan because I could definitely save more if I did. He was definitely happy about that.

He completely respected my viewpoint, and said that if I believe I can save with my current budget then he has no choice, but to trust me.He mentioned he went overboard in spending when he was around my age and had some regrets, and just wanted to make sure I wasn’t headed down a similar path.He was worried with the output of money I was doing in such a short period of time. Once I ensured him sternly I am on track with my financial goals and would ask for advice when needed. He instantly relaxed and told me he was here for me and recommended a professional to give me advice on my finances, since he didn’t want to blur the lines anymore.

So, the annoyance is averted . If he brings up finances againnnn that doesn’t directly involve him then that will be a sour discussion .

July 12, 2021

He’s just projecting his own past failures on you and while it can be endearing to think he cares, he does seem overbearing and extremely nosy. Those are the controlling, overbearing traits to watch out for.

Needing reassurance that you’re not overspending is excessive, in my opinion. It’s one thing to invite a conversation and another to visibly relax only after you’ve reassured him your habits have/or will change or to reassure him that you’re on track with your goals. He has very little faith in you to start and it takes a lot of talking to calm him and have him realize his comments are not appropriate. He seems to take a lot of pride managing money in general and not doing so creates serious anxiety in him. I’d watch that and keep reinforcing boundaries. If you find he needs constant reassurance about the way you do things, there’s something very flawed with the way he trusts in relationships or he can’t trust you. I would not continue dating someone like that.

Also, it might help to be more mindful of the way you invite commentary also from him or anyone else for that matter regarding your finances, even if they are comments in passing. This is basic privacy for you and you answer to no one regarding your personal finances.

Edited July 12, 2021 by glows

July 12, 2021

You need to put your foot down and tell him to back off. Does he have children? How can he judge you on what you pay for a house which enriches the quality of your child's life?

If you were horrendous with your money, asking to borrow money from him continuously, then he might be within his rights to say something. However, that doesn't appear to be the case.

This guy may be coming from a good place, but there's a right way and a wrong way to go about it. The way he is going about it is controlling and he needs to understand this.

At the end of the day, if he doesn't like the way you spend, it's his choice to either be with you or not. Trying to change how you spend if your spending isn't totally irresponsible is not really his place at all.

July 12, 2021

On 7/10/2021 at 7:00 PM, Alfano said:

Controlling or not, annoying or otherwise, the two of you are financially incompatible. Don’t make the mistake of underestimating the implications.

I think this is the crux of the matter.
Long term he is thinking, this is not going to work, but if I can mould her into a woman who is as careful and as astute about money as me, then it maybe could work

July 12, 2021

I agree, you can calmly but very firmly tell him "Though you may think your intentions are good, I find that with you pushing your advice/ criticizing me for my life decisions with money, isn't very fair". I know that disagreements with finances can ruin a relationship and I don't want that. With that being said, if I need financial advice I will come to you and ask, but in the meantime this subject needs to be closed."

Edited July 12, 2021 by smackie9

July 12, 2021

8 hours ago, glows said:

He’s just projecting his own past failures on you and while it can be endearing to think he cares, he does seem overbearing and extremely nosy. Those are the controlling, overbearing traits to watch out for.

Needing reassurance that you’re not overspending is excessive, in my opinion. It’s one thing to invite a conversation and another to visibly relax only after you’ve reassured him your habits have/or will change or to reassure him that you’re on track with your goals. He has very little faith in you to start and it takes a lot of talking to calm him and have him realize his comments are not appropriate. He seems to take a lot of pride managing money in general and not doing so creates serious anxiety in him. I’d watch that and keep reinforcing boundaries. If you find he needs constant reassurance about the way you do things, there’s something very flawed with the way he trusts in relationships or he can’t trust you. I would not continue dating someone like that.

Also, it might help to be more mindful of the way you invite commentary also from him or anyone else for that matter regarding your finances, even if they are comments in passing. This is basic privacy for you and you answer to no one regarding your personal finances.

I agree if he is consistent in judging my finances then it shows he is lacking trust in my judgement. But if we get to that point then I know what to do. But based upon his response I don't think it is going to be an issue. But, time will tell.

8 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

You need to put your foot down and tell him to back off. Does he have children? How can he judge you on what you pay for a house which enriches the quality of your child's life?

If you were horrendous with your money, asking to borrow money from him continuously, then he might be within his rights to say something. However, that doesn't appear to be the case.

This guy may be coming from a good place, but there's a right way and a wrong way to go about it. The way he is going about it is controlling and he needs to understand this.

At the end of the day, if he doesn't like the way you spend, it's his choice to either be with you or not. Trying to change how you spend if your spending isn't totally irresponsible is not really his place at all.

He was definitely coming from a good place and failed to see he was crossing the line. But, we spoke about this issue and quality of life for my child is important. He has a grown son and raised his son with his ex wife. On the other hand, I am technically a "single" mom, even though my son's father is very much active in his life, I am still on my own with a lot of things, and I have to feel comfortable. But so far, and its only been a couple of hours since we had dinner last night, he is respecting my stand point.

July 12, 2021

3 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

I agree, you can calmly but very firmly tell him "Though you may think your intentions are good, I find that with you pushing your advice/ criticizing me for my life decisions with money, isn't very fair". I know that disagreements with finances can ruin a relationship and I don't want that. With that being said, if I need financial advice I will come to you and ask, but in the meantime this subject needs to be closed."

Thanks! Great advice. This is kind of along the lines of what we spoke about. I mentioned in my post earlier that we did have a sit down and calmly spoke about the issue over dinner last night. I was very stern and wanted to make my point across without being outside of my character. He seems to respectfully understand and had some anxiety because of his own past mistakes, but he is trusting me. That's all I can ask for at this point. Time will tell if it actually stuck.

July 12, 2021

3 minutes ago, Kai_Kai said:

Thanks! Great advice. This is kind of along the lines of what we spoke about. I mentioned in my post earlier that we did have a sit down and calmly spoke about the issue over dinner last night. I was very stern and wanted to make my point across without being outside of my character. He seems to respectfully understand and had some anxiety because of his own past mistakes, but he is trusting me. That's all I can ask for at this point. Time will tell if it actually stuck.

Well obviously this is a bad habit of his he needs to break. If he starts up, you can turn to him and say "You are doing it again (in a light tone). What did we just talk about?" Then change the subject to something more positive/fun. Redirecting his thought pattern should break the cycle. Might take a few times, but he will eventually start stopping himself. Best of luck.

July 12, 2021

Good advice from Smackie. I'm glad that you are both back on track and have an understanding.

July 12, 2021

I am not convinced that this is fixable. It is a big gap in financial incompatibility. Over time you will just annoy each other.
I hope I am wrong but just be cautious and if the pattern continues then try to cut the cord sooner rather than later or you may waste some years.

July 13, 2021

Why are you explaining yourself at all to this man?? He's a 6 month boyfriend, his biggest concern should be what to get you for your b'day. He should know 0 of your finances and even less why you handle it the way you do.

I see a big imbalance here. I read your update and he talks to you like you're his kid, not his gf. And you go along with that.

July 13, 2021

Ah, a guy with 20 years in finance??? It explains everything. You are trained to notice waste and your mind goes to "where can I better allocate this resource." It is very hard to spend money on something that does not generate a return. Thus rent and cars seem wasteful. It is just part of the nature of the finance brain.

As someone with this mindset dating someone who loves spending money on things that don't generate wealth (i.e. cars), I can relate to your BF. Trying to navigate how we will handle these things in a marriage situation down the road currently, but I think it can be worked out as long as we have mutual goals we both work towards and the rest is free to do as please. (I have my own areas of waste as well).

I dont think your boyfriend is being controlling. And I dont think this means you won't be compatible. It is workable, imo.

July 13, 2021

he does give good advice though....

July 14, 2021

23 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Why are you explaining yourself at all to this man?? He's a 6 month boyfriend, his biggest concern should be what to get you for your b'day. He should know 0 of your finances and even less why you handle it the way you do.

I see a big imbalance here. I read your update and he talks to you like you're his kid, not his gf. And you go along with that.

The communication needed to happen or else he would have continued his habit of telling me about my finances. I believe I had a great moment with him and made some breakthroughs. He doesn't treat me like a child.

15 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

Ah, a guy with 20 years in finance??? It explains everything. You are trained to notice waste and your mind goes to "where can I better allocate this resource." It is very hard to spend money on something that does not generate a return. Thus rent and cars seem wasteful. It is just part of the nature of the finance brain.

As someone with this mindset dating someone who loves spending money on things that don't generate wealth (i.e. cars), I can relate to your BF. Trying to navigate how we will handle these things in a marriage situation down the road currently, but I think it can be worked out as long as we have mutual goals we both work towards and the rest is free to do as please. (I have my own areas of waste as well).

I dont think your boyfriend is being controlling. And I dont think this means you won't be compatible. It is workable, imo.

Exactly!!! This is his mindset 200%. I am happy that someone has a similar background that can relate to him, but I agree if both sides are willing to compromise and have the same end goals it should work out. And its not like I am not willing to compromise in certain areas, and he is willing to compromise by accepting the process of me molding into myself.

8 hours ago, JRabbit said:

he does give good advice though....

To a degree he does...but it was super annoying to hear his advice when I felt like my choice was good from a practical stand point.

July 14, 2021

26 minutes ago, Kai_Kai said:

Exactly!!! This is his mindset 200%. I am happy that someone has a similar background that can relate to him

Finance was your bf's hobby. Finance is my profession, has been for 20 years. I did not give advise to my bf, ever. Unless he asked me a specific question and we were together years, not months. Me distributing financial advise at large would be disrespectful. It would insinuate l don't respect his intelligence to make the right choice for himself.

July 14, 2021

7 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Finance was your bf's hobby. Finance is my profession, has been for 20 years. I did not give advise to my bf, ever. Unless he asked me a specific question and we were together years, not months. Me distributing financial advise at large would be disrespectful. It would insinuate l don't respect his intelligence to make the right choice for himself.

I think insinuate is the key word here. That's your perspective and you're entitled to that.

I have known my boyfriend for like almost a decade, but we've have been together for a couple of months, so it's a different transition than some random off the street that I've just started dating for 6 months. I trust and know him well enough that he does not and did not intend to be disrespectful at all. That is not him. Personally, I can't imagine being in Finance either as a profession or hobby Doing my own budget leaves me needing a glass of wine or two.

July 14, 2021

Like 6 months and on your hard working money???

You need to tell him what you told us:

"Im getting annoyed by your remarks and advice everytime.

I will ask you if i need them. Its my money and i know well how to manage them."

Btw, knowing him since you were young doesnt mean that much.No one stays the same as when they were kids.

So u still gotta get to know them now as adult.

Edited July 14, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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