Boyfriend keeps giving unsolicited comments.

July 10, 2021

Hey You!

It’s been a few months since I posted here , but I am in need of some general advice. My boyfriend of almost 6 months, but I've known him since I was a teenager (long story) is well established. He paid off his house, his car, and is in general financially very well off. I am still getting on the map, but I can hold my own. I have noticed that recently he has been giving me unsolicited advice on finances. As one of his side gigs, he has worked in finance for over 20 years, so I guess he’s use to giving people advice. He has always gave me some tips and tricks before when asked, but after moving to my new apartment, he has amplified his “advice.” He didn’t think my move was a good idea, and that I should have stayed where I was living before to save money for a down payment on a house. Granted renting in the part of the city I lived before has went down tremendously because of the pandemic, but it was exhausting living there. I was wiling to risk paying a little more for comfort and more space . Plus, my son is getting older and I want him to have a big backyard to play in and a more simple life for him.

My boyfriend thinks my logic on how I spend my money is flawed. Like I can literally order out and he’ll makes comments about me eating my savings away with the amount of times I am ordering out in a month. I got a promotion at my job, so I decided to lease a car because I can afford it with the added bonus plus save a good amount of money a month. But once again, my boyfriend makes annoying comments about that. I know he means well. I have even sat down with him about how he speaks about money and that I am not a client of his, and he just says he doesn’t want me to make poor choices that can effect my future. I know how to manage my money well enough where I am saving, but my boyfriend clearly doesn't think it's enough. He doesn't even know how much I make annually, he's just guesstimating at this point.

It is not a deal breaker, but its a really annoying habit of his and can’t seem to disconnect work from our relationship. At this point, I don’t know how to proceed without coming off ungrateful for his experience and advice.

July 10, 2021

You’re not getting your point across.

An angry response such as yelling “I don’t want to hear it anymore!” just might do the trick.

July 10, 2021

1 minute ago, Alfano said:

You’re not getting your point across.

An angry response such as yelling “I don’t want to hear it anymore!” just might do the trick.

I am not really the yelling type. There has to be a better way to get my point across without yelling. It's not like he's rude about it, but he is consistent, which is annoying.

July 10, 2021

Just talk to him. Money is a hot button issue in many relationships, especially when the people involved are on different pages.

He seems very frugal. People like that don't always see the value of things like a backyard for a child because they can't fit that on a spread sheet. Take his advice about savings with a grain of salt, perhaps listen to him regarding investments. Talk to him about choices & financial freedom, what it means to both of you. See if you can find a middle ground where he's not so judgmental but is free to offer opinions.

July 10, 2021

1 minute ago, Kai_Kai said:

I am not really the yelling type. There has to be a better way to get my point across without yelling. It's not like he's rude about it, but he is consistent, which is annoying.

No not really. Some people can be rather controlling especially when they sense weakness in their partner. They don’t take no for an answer. Clearly he’s one of them.

July 10, 2021

2 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Just talk to him. Money is a hot button issue in many relationships, especially when the people involved are on different pages.

He seems very frugal. People like that don't always see the value of things like a backyard for a child because they can't fit that on a spread sheet. Take his advice about savings with a grain of salt, perhaps listen to him regarding investments. Talk to him about choices & financial freedom, what it means to both of you. See if you can find a middle ground where he's not so judgmental but is free to offer opinions.

I love this!!! Because I don't want to cancel him out completely because he has valid points, but at the same time financial freedom is important to me. I like to live a little (well a lot according to him). Definitely a great talking points you offered. Thanksss!!!!

July 10, 2021

3 minutes ago, Alfano said:

No not really. Some people can be rather controlling especially when they sense weakness in their partner. They don’t take no for an answer. Clearly he’s one of them.

"Weakness in their partner" I feel like I am the prey on some sort of weird shark week show. But, he is not controlling. He means well, and has been there done that 3x over, and I get where he is coming from. But, we have to come to common ground like the other poster said.

July 10, 2021

Are you thinking of marrying him? How will this be if you are married and getting into how you spend money.

the fact you are regularly going out to eat can be an issue with anyone you date.

July 10, 2021

1 minute ago, Kai_Kai said:

"Weakness in their partner" I feel like I am the prey on some sort of weird shark week show. But, he is not controlling. He means well, and has been there done that 3x over, and I get where he is coming from. But, we have to come to common ground like the other poster said.

You aren’t married….thus can be a dangerous slippery slope where he coukd be much more controlling if you lived together or was married.

his attitude he could be a penny pincher who doesn’t want to do anything.

July 10, 2021

Controlling or not, annoying or otherwise, the two of you are financially incompatible. Don’t make the mistake of underestimating the implications.

July 10, 2021

Just now, Ami1uwant said:

You aren’t married….thus can be a dangerous slippery slope where he coukd be much more controlling if you lived together or was married.

his attitude he could be a penny pincher who doesn’t want to do anything.

2 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

Are you thinking of marrying him? How will this be if you are married and getting into how you spend money.

the fact you are regularly going out to eat can be an issue with anyone you date.

He is definitely not a penny pincher. We went on a vacation together like last week to Florida and we are planning another vacation next year. He just likes to plan things out. I am spear of the moment like to live a little with my money. But, it is not enough to bankrupt me. I am able to save a decent amount every month. Eating out is easy for me because I work long hours. He is helping me come up with a meal plan for the week to stop eating out, so he is helping me with a resolution.

Marriage? ....hmmmm I need more time to think about that.

July 10, 2021

Conversations can help bridge the gap.

When I lived with this guy years ago he used to buy bargain OJ. Stuff tasted gross but he insisted it tasted the same & was the better bargain. He'd get miffed when I bought the more expensive national brand. I made him do a side by side taste test. When he realized how gross the cheap stuff was, we got the better OJ because it was about more than money.

When I 1st met my husband he thought I was frivolous with money because I had nice things, went on vacations, ate out a lot, etc. As he got to know me better & realized how much work I put into bargain hunting to get the best price on things without missing out, he became more open to spending money. Heck we went on a once in a lifetime trip to Hawaii & did some amazing things because we used groupon, did internet research ahead of time & asked some locals when we got there. We also walked alot or took The Bus (local public transportation) for about $2 each instead of renting a car $30+ per day; paying $35 per day to park it at the hotel plus parking when we went out, conservatively $20 per day which adds up to about $600 for the week before gas. We paid about $70 ($10 per day) taking the bus.

You can pry the penny pinchers hands open if you give them good reasons to spend by showing them the value. In doing this, they are less likely to be harsh or unreasonably critical when you do want to splurge.

I see you being willing to compromise a little with the meal plan. I think his issue is more about not liking to pay a premium for "convenience" when you can save so much more with a little planning. I suspect you may come to see more of the wisdom from his methods. I leaned to cook in Covid & learned meal planning when I was trying to lose weight in anticipation of the Hawaii trip mentioned above. I became a huge convert when I realized not only the savings but the nutritional improvements.

I think you will be OK if you both talk more & both give a little.

July 10, 2021

Only discuss your finances with your banker, financial advisor and accountant.

If he starts doing the mansplaining and know-it-all routine, change the subject.

You are only dating 28, your finances, your rent, costs, etc. are none of his business.

Do not defend yourself, do not explain yourself and most importantly do not discuss any of your costs etc. with him.

If he starts up just say "talked to my financial people, (friends, family, whatever) about it already", then change the subject.

Since he is overstepping boundaries, the onus is on you to create and enforce them.

Edited July 10, 2021 by Wiseman2

July 10, 2021

12 minutes ago, Alfano said:

Controlling or not, annoying or otherwise, the two of you are financially incompatible. Don’t make the mistake of underestimating the implications.

At this point, we definitely are on different pages when it comes to finances. He just knows what has worked for him and his clients in the past.

3 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Conversations can help bridge the gap.

When I lived with this guy years ago he used to buy bargain OJ. Stuff tasted gross but he insisted it tasted the same & was the better bargain. He'd get miffed when I bought the more expensive national brand.  I made him do a side by side taste test. When he realized how gross the cheap stuff was, we got the better OJ because it was about more than money.

When I 1st met my husband he thought I was frivolous with money because I had nice things, went on vacations, ate out a lot, etc. As he got to know me better & realized how much work I put into bargain hunting to get the best price on things without missing out, he became more open to spending money. Heck we went on a once in a lifetime trip to Hawaii & did some amazing things because we used groupon, did internet research ahead of time & asked some locals when we got there. We also walked alot or took The Bus (local public transportation) for about $2 each instead of renting a car $30+ per day; paying $35 per day to park it at the hotel plus parking when we went out, conservatively $20 per day which adds up to about $600 for the week before gas. We paid about $70 ($10 per day) taking the bus.

You can pry the penny pinchers hands open if you give them good reasons to spend by showing them the value.   In doing this, they are less likely to be harsh or unreasonably critical when you do want to splurge.

I see you being willing to compromise a little with the meal plan. I think his issue is more about not liking to pay a premium for "convenience" when you can save so much more with a little planning. I suspect you may come to see more of the wisdom from his methods. I leaned to cook in Covid & learned meal planning when I was trying to lose weight in anticipation of the Hawaii trip mentioned above. I became a huge convert when I realized not only the savings but the nutritional improvements.

I think you will be OK if you both talk more & both give a little.

LOL @ the bargain brand OJ. I could never !!!! It really does not taste the same and my son will let me know. I do the same when it comes to vacationing. I always look for deals. But, I will admit the eating out thing is a guilty pleasure of mine when I don’t feel like cooking. I am wiling to hear him out on meal planning. But, the apartment thing...I already signed my lease and I am happy with the neighborhood and I feel safe going for a jog with my son or taking him to the park. My boyfriend hasn't had young kids around him in forever, so I feel like he has lost sight on the simple things in life that you can't put a price on. The same thing goes for leasing a car. My old car was on its last leg and I don't want to be in the middle of the road of a toddler. It's simply putting.a target on my back. Sometimes you have to pay for convenience. I think that is really what I need to emphasize to him.

July 10, 2021

Personally l find him controlling. It comes across as he cannot respect your choices. Does he interfere with other of your choices? Like your habits, your relationship with friends, family, colleagues?

July 10, 2021

33 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

Are you thinking of marrying him? How will this be if you are married and getting into how you spend money.

the fact you are regularly going out to eat can be an issue with anyone you date.

Yes and I suspect he's monitoring the way you spend money to see if you are compatible enough in that area in case he wants to marry you in the future. It doesn't seem that you are.

July 10, 2021

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Only discuss your finances with your banker, financial advisor and accountant.

If he starts doing the mansplaining and know-it-all routine, change the subject.

You are only dating 28, your finances, your rent, costs, etc. are none of his business.

A boyfriend of 6 months would know absolutely nothing of my finances! Even my bf of 5 years didn't know anything about my earning, mortgage, savings, etc.

July 10, 2021

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Only discuss your finances with your banker, financial advisor and accountant.

If he starts doing the mansplaining and know-it-all routine, change the subject.

You are only dating 28, your finances, your rent, costs, etc. are none of his business.

Do not defend yourself, do not explain yourself and most importantly do not discuss any of your costs etc. with him.

If he starts up just say "talked to my financial people, (friends, family, whatever) about it already", then change the subject.

Since he is overstepping boundaries, the onus is on you to create and enforce them.

Here's the thing. I don't discuss my finances in details with him. If I ask for advice in the past it was very generalized. He doesn't know how much I make annually.. He only knows how much my rent is because he came with me to see the apartment despite his protest. Everything else he is just going by what he sees, so he is really guesstimating at this point. He knows I eat out a lot and he knows I just leased a car, and he is just crunching numbers in his head based on an assumption.

5 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Personally l find him controlling. It comes across as he cannot respect your choices. Does he interfere with other of your choices? Like your habits, your relationship with friends, family, colleagues?

He's not controlling at all. I have no problem with him when it comes to any other aspects of my life.

July 10, 2021

Telling you how to spend or not spend your money is the definition of controlling. Oftentimes in situations such as this we are seeing the top of the iceberg.

Denial only gets a person so far.

July 10, 2021

I don't see controlling as much as hearts in the right place, wants to help & doesn't realize he's overstepping his bounds. If the OP talks to him about this & he continues that is more problematic.

July 10, 2021

12 minutes ago, Kai_Kai said:

he is just crunching numbers in his head based on an assumption.

Captain crunch? All you can do is change the subject and not get into his money debates. After all it's none of his business.

July 10, 2021

25 minutes ago, Alfano said:

Telling you how to spend or not spend your money is the definition of controlling. Oftentimes in situations such as this we are seeing the top of the iceberg.

Denial only gets a person so far.

Well then....that was blunt

22 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I don't see controlling as much as hearts in the right place, wants to help & doesn't realize he's overstepping his bounds. If the OP talks to him about this & he continues that is more problematic.

^^^^Definitely! He comes from the right place just needs to stop interjecting himself.

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Captain crunch? All you can do is change the subject and not get into his money debates. After all it's none of his business.

That is hilarious. I should change his contact name in my phone to that. All of ya'll so far had made some great points all things considered in the short little blurb I made about my relationship. But, we're only 6 months in and have some time to work out the kinks and this is just one of them that is irking me.

July 10, 2021

28 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

If the OP talks to him about this & he continues that is more problematic.

She did.

July 10, 2021

3 minutes ago, Alfano said:

She did.

I don't agree that he's controlling, but this is true. I did talk to him, but I didn't get my point across clearly because he continued. We have to revisit this conversation again in more details and emphasis on my perspective and where I am willing to budge which is meal planning. That I am open to doing and willing to take on his help with that. Because that is something I really need to do, but got comfortable ordering out. It doesn't help that UberEats has a rewards program. But, I need to come up with a healthy meal plan.

July 10, 2021

To be honest, from everything you have posted, you do sound pretty terrible when it comes to money. A lot of waste. Being in a relationship is about doing what's best for you both, long term as well, not just for yourself short term.

Saying that, it's up to you how you spend your own money. Until you are married, living together, have a joint account etc, it's your decision what to do with the money you have earned. Sounds like he sees this happening in the future, and wants you to be more careful now so you are better prepared when that time comes.

You both need to come to a compromise - eg. You will stop spending so much on takeaway and start saving towards a deposit, and he will stop giving you advice about your own money unless you specifically ask for it.

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