falxmanolo Posted July 9, 2021 Posted July 9, 2021 Hey guys! I met a wonderful man 3 years ago; we dated for 3-4 months and I broke it off because of a variety of reasons including distance (LDR different countries), stressful careers and some concern of a female friendship of his that had no boundaries. Fast forward to last July, I bumped into him at a work event and it was like nothing had changed- sparks sparks sparks! We now live in the same country, city etc & decided to give dating a go. Genuinely prioritised each other, wined dined (amidst the pandemic) and truly got to know each other. I addressed my concern about the boundary-less female friendship he had and how it gave me the wrong impression whilst we previously dated. He acknowledged it & cleared the air that she was nothing more than his best friend’s girlfriend. As our relationship went from strength to strength, unfortunately this female friend started spiralling. I’ve never met this person, have minimal mutual connection besides my bf. This friend blocked me on all social media (she is an “influencer” of sorts hence has a public profile) but continued to post photos of my bf. She would also call him on our date nights to ask him where he was and why he was out so late this made me very uncomfortable but I decided to communicate how I felt to my bf. He agreed it was weird behaviour and confronted her. This led to her lashing out at him and accusing him of being an opportunistic friend. I told my bf that I needed to protect my sanity and if he sees a future with me, he will need to make some firm boundaries in this friendship. He has done that and he hardly hangs out with this friend anymore. I do sometimes feel sad at how things have turned out but I can’t control how other people perceive me. Bf maintains he only ever had a platonic relationship with this girl. Bf proposed in June and we’re planning on having an engagement party soon. The predicament here is that- my fiancé is obviously still very close to his best friend. We cannot actually invite the best friend without inviting his strange gf. And I really don’t want to invite this girl & her drama filled ass to our celebrations. My fiancé suggests not inviting the best friend altogether. I feel really s*** and torn! I don’t want to not invite the best friend but I would be so uncomfortable with having his gf too. TLDR; fiancé’s best friend’s gf hates me for no apparent reason & has pretended to ignore my existence since we got together. How do I traverse through inviting just the best friend and not the gf? is this even my problem?
ExpatInItaly Posted July 9, 2021 Posted July 9, 2021 22 minutes ago, falxmanolo said: is this even my problem? Your fiance is the one who suggested not inviting his best friend, so frankly, I would follow his lead there. If he is fine with not having the best friend there, well, that problem is solved. There is something very off about this woman and their friendship (and I am surprised the best friend himself is okay with it - is he?) I would not want her at this party either. She does not respect you at all and it's your special day. Thus, I would not feel guilty not inviting the two of them. Chances are that she would not come anyway. They can work on their own drama on their time. Don't let it taint your engagement. 5
d0nnivain Posted July 9, 2021 Posted July 9, 2021 Since your FI is OK not inviting his friend & the troublesome woman to the engagement party don't invite them. Let it be your FIs decision about inviting them to the wedding. On that day you will be so busy you won't have time for her & her drama. By then maybe she will have calmed down since she's not been cut off for so long. Hopefully your FI can get his buddy to keep her in line 2
Wiseman2 Posted July 9, 2021 Posted July 9, 2021 (edited) 4 hours ago, falxmanolo said: My fiancé suggests not inviting the best friend altogether You already know your BF is the problem. All you have to do is make up your mind. Don't invite them or invite them and be gracious. You need to stop the petty catfight with this woman. Either you deal with your BF and his disrespect for you or you end it. Edited July 9, 2021 by Wiseman2
d0nnivain Posted July 9, 2021 Posted July 9, 2021 1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said: Either you deal with your BF and his disrespect for you or you end it. What? @falxmanolo's BF (FI actually) is not being disrespectful of her. When she complained about the whacky woman, the guy distanced himself from her out of respect for falxmanolo. When the issue of inviting FI's friend who is engaged to this whacky woman came up it was the FI who said not to invite either. Where do you see the BF being disrespectful? 2
Blind-Sided Posted July 9, 2021 Posted July 9, 2021 It's not really your issue. This girl obviously wanted your BF, and that's why she doesn't like you. I wouldn't want her at my party... but that's up to you and your BF. 1
Sun Seeker Posted July 9, 2021 Posted July 9, 2021 Why can't you invite the best friend without his crazy girlfriend? Off course you can. You choose who you want at the party. Or do what your fiance has said and dont invite both of them. It's his best friend so if he is fine with that, it's not your problem to worry about. Two very easy solutions.
Miss Spider Posted July 9, 2021 Posted July 9, 2021 (edited) Invite the friend but just tell him that you can’t accommodate any more +1s Edited July 9, 2021 by Cookiesandough
smackie9 Posted July 9, 2021 Posted July 9, 2021 I think your fiance just needs to be quite frank with his friend about the crazy woman. Just let it be known her behavior/attitude is a deal breaker and there will be no invite to ruin the special events. 4
d0nnivain Posted July 9, 2021 Posted July 9, 2021 3 hours ago, Punterxx said: Why can't you invite the best friend without his crazy girlfriend? Off course you can. You choose who you want at the party. 2 hours ago, Cookiesandough said: Invite the friend but just tell him that you can’t accommodate any more +1s The whacky woman is not the buddy's GF: she is his FI. It would be rude to invite the guy without his FI. 1
Wiseman2 Posted July 9, 2021 Posted July 9, 2021 10 hours ago, falxmanolo said: I’ve never met this person. This friend blocked me on all social media but continued to post photos of my bf. She would also call him on our date nights to ask him where he was and why he was out so late Your BF is clearly enjoying all the attention. This is his friend's GF, so why is he entertaining all this? No need for a petty catfight with someone you never met. She may have blocked you if you were visiting her social media too much. Sadly your BF is at the center of all this nonsense because there's no reason for them to be calling each other.
Lotsgoingon Posted July 9, 2021 Posted July 9, 2021 (edited) OK, this is confusing. Your bf used to hang with an unhinged seemingly possessive gf of his best friend? This is all or nothing. BF needs to COMPLETELY cut ties with this woman. COMPLETELY. No "cut back." So I say back up and slow down. Why are you rushing? Dysfunctional relationships can be hard to cut off. I think you need more time before you think of engagement. What's the rush here? Edited July 9, 2021 by Lotsgoingon 2 1
ShyViolet Posted July 9, 2021 Posted July 9, 2021 11 hours ago, falxmanolo said: We cannot actually invite the best friend without inviting his strange gf. And I really don’t want to invite this girl & her drama filled ass to our celebrations. Umm, yes you can. You be blunt and direct with the best friend... tell him that his girlfriend has behaved completely inappropriately and crazy, and is not welcome at the party, but he is invited. Now it's his decision whether to come or not. He wants to have a crazy gf? There are consequences, and now it's his problem. Don't sugarcoat things for people and don't dance around the issue. Be blunt and set firm boundaries. Under no circumstances should this mentally unstable girl be invited to the party. 1 1
Wiseman2 Posted July 9, 2021 Posted July 9, 2021 23 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said: OK, this is confusing. Your bf used to hang with an unhinged seemingly possessive gf of his best friend? BF needs to COMPLETELY cut ties with this woman. COMPLETELY. No "cut back." I think you need more time before you think of engagement. What's the rush here? Agree. There's no reason he should be chitchatting and hanging out with her one-on-one. 2
glows Posted July 9, 2021 Posted July 9, 2021 I would check the 'hates me'. I doubt anyone has the time or energy to hate you. I understand you're pissed off because of the long history of boundary crossing but that's because of your bf's ongoing issues for years so expecting things to become rosy all of a sudden is not going to happen at the drop of a hat. He's already distancing himself from this person and his male friend so let it be. If you don't feel certain about your fiance's choices it's possibly time to rethink the engagement altogether. It boils down to lack of trust. Even when he says he can do without these couple of people you're still upset and uneasy. Why? I'm also curious if you've ever met her. You can make it your problem but otherwise, no it doesn't have to be your problem if you don't think your fiance is the problem. Do you trust him? 1
stillafool Posted July 9, 2021 Posted July 9, 2021 12 hours ago, falxmanolo said: I’ve never met this person, have minimal mutual connection besides my bf. This friend blocked me on all social media (she is an “influencer” of sorts hence has a public profile) Why do you care that she blocked you since you've never met her and don't like her? Why are you even looking at her social media when you can't stand her? I agree just invite your bfs best friend but not her. Be warned that after you get married if the best friend is still with her you will see her at parties and other events. Is it really worth it to start out on a bad foot with them. Maybe after you meet her in person you may end up liking her or at least be able to tolerate her. 1
Sun Seeker Posted July 9, 2021 Posted July 9, 2021 2 hours ago, d0nnivain said: The whacky woman is not the buddy's GF: she is his FI. It would be rude to invite the guy without his FI. Erm no she's not. Read the OP again. The whacky woman is her FI's best friend's girlfriend. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted July 9, 2021 Posted July 9, 2021 1 hour ago, ShyViolet said: You be blunt and direct with the best friend... tell him that his girlfriend has behaved completely inappropriately and crazy, and is not welcome at the party, but he is invited. Now it's his decision whether to come or not. He wants to have a crazy gf? There are consequences, and now it's his problem. On this point, I have to wonder if the best friend is aware of the weird relationship and history between his girlfriend and OP's fiance. OP, can you clarify? Is the best friend in the dark about all of this, or..?
Wiseman2 Posted July 9, 2021 Posted July 9, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, ShyViolet said: You be blunt and direct with the best friend... tell him that his girlfriend has behaved completely inappropriately and crazy, and is not welcome at the party I disagree. Confronting your fiancé's friend about his GF, whom you have never even met, makes you appear crazy, not her. Your BF is who you need to confront bout his shenanigans with her. Why does she have his pics? Why is he chitchatting with her? You never met her, all she did was block you from continually checking out her social media. Which she has every right to do. If you barge in on three lives... Your fiancé, his best friend and that friend's GF claiming someone you never met is "crazy" and you don't want her at your fiancé and your party... who looks crazy? Edited July 9, 2021 by Wiseman2 1 1
Acacia98 Posted July 9, 2021 Posted July 9, 2021 14 hours ago, falxmanolo said: This friend blocked me on all social media (she is an “influencer” of sorts hence has a public profile) but continued to post photos of my bf. She would also call him on our date nights to ask him where he was and why he was out so late I'm with @Wiseman2. I mean, your fiance's best friend's girlfriend is weird. But she shouldn't even be on your radar, @falxmanolo. Why was your fiance answering her calls when you were out on dates? Why was he answering her calls at all? What sort of nonsensical conversation is this where someone he's not dating asks him where he is and why he's out late? And then he answers? Is he a child? Is she his mother? Why is she posting his pictures on Instagram? How is she able to rationalize any of this to her boyfriend? Why wasn't he uncomfortable enough about the pictures to block her online? Why did you have to speak up before he did anything about shutting the door to all of this weirdness? 3
d0nnivain Posted July 9, 2021 Posted July 9, 2021 1 hour ago, Punterxx said: Erm no she's not. Read the OP again. The whacky woman is her FI's best friend's girlfriend. As I said if the whacky women is the buddy's GF, she doesn't have to be invited. If the whacky woman is the buddy's FI it would be rude to invite him but not her. Since the OP's FI suggested not inviting either, the OP needs to just agree with her FIs decision on the subject. Problem solved.
Author falxmanolo Posted July 10, 2021 Author Posted July 10, 2021 (edited) Hey guys- to clarify most questions - My fiancé would not take her calls during our date nights & she would keep blowing up his texts with questions on whereabouts - of course I don’t hate her; I don’t even know her -to be entirely honest, I was not snooping her social media to check out what she was posting about my fiancé. Also; she has a public account- I could so very easily snoop even if she blocked me. So what’s the point of blocking me apart from exerting some weird power dynamic? -the onus of this dysfunctional relationship rests with my fiancé of course. It baffles my fiancé how his best friend is rather nonchalant about all this too -of course I trust my fiancé. I just feel BAD at how things have turned out.. but I’m also coming to terms with; if she or even the best friend had true intentions they would at least give me the benefit of the doubt & try to get to know me. When my fiancé arranged for best friend & gf to meet me; she simply point blank refused to even meet me -she also did some vile s*** in our early dating days by telling a mutual connect something to the effect of how desperate I am -my fiancé and I have no mega history besides those 3 months of dating and amicable split. We didn’t stay in touch post the split & harboured no hard feelings either. I genuinely didn’t think I would bump it in him again in life. -my fiancé and this girl have no history whatsoever (ive asked my fiancé candidly). She has been dating his best friend for around 10 years. It’s obvious she has harbours some intense feelings for him. It’s obvious he perhaps enjoyed the attention of their friendship. Perhaps, had he not met me, they would still be besties. -my fiancé finds it strange that the best friend is nonchalant to his gf’s behaviour. Best friend continues to hang out with fiancé minus the gf. Fiancé is also mega conflict averse which doesn’t particularly help. I suppose this way, fiancé can preserve friendship with best friend and cut off friendship with best friend’s gf. Overall; I adore this man! I feel lucky that destiny brought us together again. I also feel respected and heard in my concerns & I can see it in action. He doesn’t communicate or hang out with this girl anymore. I guess I’ve never experienced this kind of behaviour in the past that I almost feel bad that this has happened the way it has. I’m sure there are plenty of people who dislike me, but to be hated and talked about the way she has, has affected me deeply. Edited July 10, 2021 by falxmanolo Added insight
ShyViolet Posted July 10, 2021 Posted July 10, 2021 5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: I disagree. Confronting your fiancé's friend about his GF, whom you have never even met, makes you appear crazy, not her. Your BF is who you need to confront bout his shenanigans with her. Why does she have his pics? Why is he chitchatting with her? You never met her, all she did was block you from continually checking out her social media. Which she has every right to do. If you barge in on three lives... Your fiancé, his best friend and that friend's GF claiming someone you never met is "crazy" and you don't want her at your fiancé and your party... who looks crazy? Honestly, who cares how it "looks" to them? This is not about how it "looks" to the friend and his wacko gf, this is about the OP sticking to her convictions and deciding who she wants and doesn't want at her own engagement party. 1 1
kendahke Posted July 10, 2021 Posted July 10, 2021 OP, you're not obligated to stomach this level of demonstrated disrespect and contempt from this woman towards you--based on what? Jealousy that she can't have your boyfriend's attention, too? I don't know any sane man who would think his girlfriend blowing up his best friend's phone is fine with him. 2
glows Posted July 10, 2021 Posted July 10, 2021 5 hours ago, falxmanolo said: Hey guys- to clarify most questions - My fiancé would not take her calls during our date nights & she would keep blowing up his texts with questions on whereabouts - of course I don’t hate her; I don’t even know her -to be entirely honest, I was not snooping her social media to check out what she was posting about my fiancé. Also; she has a public account- I could so very easily snoop even if she blocked me. So what’s the point of blocking me apart from exerting some weird power dynamic? -the onus of this dysfunctional relationship rests with my fiancé of course. It baffles my fiancé how his best friend is rather nonchalant about all this too -of course I trust my fiancé. I just feel BAD at how things have turned out.. but I’m also coming to terms with; if she or even the best friend had true intentions they would at least give me the benefit of the doubt & try to get to know me. When my fiancé arranged for best friend & gf to meet me; she simply point blank refused to even meet me -she also did some vile s*** in our early dating days by telling a mutual connect something to the effect of how desperate I am -my fiancé and I have no mega history besides those 3 months of dating and amicable split. We didn’t stay in touch post the split & harboured no hard feelings either. I genuinely didn’t think I would bump it in him again in life. -my fiancé and this girl have no history whatsoever (ive asked my fiancé candidly). She has been dating his best friend for around 10 years. It’s obvious she has harbours some intense feelings for him. It’s obvious he perhaps enjoyed the attention of their friendship. Perhaps, had he not met me, they would still be besties. -my fiancé finds it strange that the best friend is nonchalant to his gf’s behaviour. Best friend continues to hang out with fiancé minus the gf. Fiancé is also mega conflict averse which doesn’t particularly help. I suppose this way, fiancé can preserve friendship with best friend and cut off friendship with best friend’s gf. Overall; I adore this man! I feel lucky that destiny brought us together again. I also feel respected and heard in my concerns & I can see it in action. He doesn’t communicate or hang out with this girl anymore. I guess I’ve never experienced this kind of behaviour in the past that I almost feel bad that this has happened the way it has. I’m sure there are plenty of people who dislike me, but to be hated and talked about the way she has, has affected me deeply. Steer clear and keep your distance. If your fiance offered not to invite either of them, take the offer. My thought on this is that your fiance knows more than he's letting on but doesn't want to betray his friend's trust either by saying too much (that relationship between his friend and this woman is on the rocks and very dysfunctional, always has been). Maybe she has a habit of trying to control/harass a number of male friends or friends of her boyfriend and is reknowned for it so much so that no one even bats an eye, least of all her boyfriend. It's your day and not worth the headache. Your fiance knows that too and likely also wants his wedding to go smoothly. Don't pay a single moment's more attention to this matter. I hope you enjoy the wedding planning too and can enjoy this momentous chapter in your lives.
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