TRYING to UNDERSTAND CHEATING HUSBAND

[Sylvia0071]

My husband and I have been together for 20 years. We have two kids and recently I have been very occupied with them. It got to the stage where the kids were sleeping in our bed and I wasn't going out with him because I was too busy with the kids and we have no babysitter. My husband felt very neglected and tried to reach out to me but I ignored him. Two months ago he met a beautiful blonde girl at a family friends birthday which I did not attend. She asked for my husbands number through a friend and they started texting. Eventually the texts become so frequent that he became paranoid that I would find them so he installed signal private messenger so I could not track the messages. I found out that he had been calling her every day and texting her every other time even when I was sitting next to him on the coach watching tv (10 messages a day and one phone call a day sometimes two). He claimed they spoke about every day things. Nothing about love. They had met twice in the two months. Once for a bike ride that was a lunch date and the other a stay in the hotel room booked for two night. When I found out he claimed they were only every really friends. He said that she made him feel good by constantly giving him compliments. When asked about the hotel room he claimed that they only kissed the first night and he eventually pushed her away as he realized this is not what he wanted. He stayed one night with her and a whole day but came home the next night(one day earlier than expected). He said that he thought of me the whole time and how wrong it was. When I asked why he had not come home earlier he said he needed time to process what he was going to say to me. He told me the whole story as soon as he came home and looked really distressed. He said that he had a lot of confused emotions and felt like he needed to spend time with this girl to figure out what he wanted in our marriage. The thought of sleeping with her he said was not an option. It was more emotional. He said it had nothing to do with her or me it was more about how he was feeling at the time and was trying to figure out what our marriage meant to him and whether it was worth salvaging it. He ended blocking her number after her constantly texting him to ask whether he was OK and whether there was anything she could do to help him. His also made a lot of effort since then and has given me access to his phone and lets me know where he is at all times. Is it possible for a man not to feel any sexual attraction for a women and use her as a way to discover how he was feeling about the marriage and what our relationship meant to him? I'm confused because why a hotel room and a weekend away? Is this whole emotional feeling true that there can be no sexual attraction to a person? Can I have some thoughts please. I am really struggling to understand him.

[basil67]

I'm so sorry this happened to you Sylvia.   But you know how your gut is telling you that it doesn't make sense that he doesn't have sexual attraction to her? Your gut is right.  Why get a room for two nights with someone you don't want to be intimate with?

 

[BaileyB]

Men don’t usually form friendships with women they are not attracted to and with whom they do not want to have sex. 

While I do believe he felt ignored and he enjoyed the attention/compliments, I don’t believe that they stayed in a hotel together for two nights and nothing happened. And now, I think the guilt has got the better of him… I’m sorry. 

That said, may I suggest that you seek the support of a marriage counsellor. It certainly is possible to reconcile and find a place of forgiveness and greater understanding in a marriage… This can be healed - if you are both committed to that. Best wishes. 

Edited July 9, 2021 by BaileyB

[HadMeOverABarrel]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

Men don’t usually form friendships with women they are not attracted to and with whom they do not want to have sex. 

^^^This.

I also applaud your honesty in recognizing your own mistakes plus having the courage to admit them. Of course, that does not excuse your H's affair--two wrongs don't make a right.

I think your husband still loves you. Of course he's confused after spending time with this OW. I think you should act quickly to spend some quality time with your husband asap like a weekend away--no distractions. A retreat for married couples (esp one dealing with infidelity) might be good for you both as well.  I would approach it by saying we both made mistakes and I'd like us to work together to heal these, understand each other better, and make our marriage and family stronger (or, in other words, let him know the purpose is not to beat him down for cheating).

Perhaps also revisit with him all the reasons you fell in love with him and why you appreciate him now.  You could write him a letter, make a photo album of cherished memories, or another thoughtful gesture--tap into those old feelings he has and bring them to the fore.  Read up on "Love Languages" and make an effort to show your love in his Love Languages. Yours may be a good case for marriage counseling. Of course, he has to first agree to cut contact with OW. And for heaven's sake, definitely do not agree that he can spend time some alone with her!

Also, it is important that you (both) communicate to OW that you are still very much committed to your marriage and requst that she leave your husband alone. I have some specific thoughts on that. Your husband will have to show her it's coming from his desire to work on your marriage rather than her thinking you are standing over him making him do it. 

I'm giving you some advice unique to your situation (i.e. not what I'd typically recommend for someone in your situation). Things the other woman might believe are (whether your H said them or she's just assuming):

- you and your husband no longer have sex;

- you and your husband don't share a marital bed;

- you and your husband are like roommates;

- you have some incurable flaw or defect that has caused the demise of your marriage;

- you and your husband will soon divorce;

- you treat your husband horribly.

To be clear, I'm not saying any of this is true, but if the OW is otherwise a decent human, she's got to have excuses in her mind to justify engaging in an affair. 

So, it might be helpful to communicate to her you are a kind person who still very much loves and values your H, and are committed to your marriage for the long haul, and you'll be working with your H to sort out any issues that led to the affair in the first place. 

Do your best to avoid showing anger towards her or letting her believe that your H is breaking things off with her because you are making him do it. Anger could fuel her misconceptions about you (and incite her desire to compete against you for H). If she thinks you are forcing him, she may not think it sincere and may continue to pursue him. 

I hope you can see where I'm going with this and why. It basically appeals to her empathy. If she's an extremely selfish person incapable of empathy (to a pathological level), all the above advice goes out the window. Most OW are not quite that bad imo, and just get involved with MM for a lot of foolish reasons.

I'm happy to explain further if your interested. These are my $0.02 from my own experiences.

Edited July 9, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel

[elaine567]

13 minutes ago, S2B said:

you do know your husband is lying to you right?

^^^ this.
I am afraid so.
Beautiful blonde girl in a hotel room  for two days  with your sex starved husband, and nothing happened...
 
He is however correct when he says this was all about him, it usually is.
Cheaters tend to have one thing in common, they do what best suits them at the time.
Yes he may now have made a show of blocking this "beautiful blonde girl" but if she is willing he may still be in contact with her or they may lay low for a while and then pick up again when it is perceived safe, so be aware.
As he has given you access to his phone, I guess he may have another means to contact her. Burner phones and secret apps are common.

Remember he is no longer your best friend who has your best interests at heart, that is a mistake many make.
He is now a guy who will tell you exactly what you want to hear to try to save the marriage or merely to be able to see his kids every night....
Trickle truth is now the name of the game.

It is unclear from your post as to how you actually found out.

[Wiseman2]

There are two problem. Your marriage and your husband's cheating.

They're related but the bad marriage and your unnatural and excessive overinvolment will your kids did not cause his cheating.

Cheating is his problem. A lack of integrity. It avoids the marriage.

Your problem is helicopter mothering to also avoid a real marriage.

If you wish to stay together, marriage therapy may help. However he probably won't stop having affairs no matter what you do.

 

[anika99]

Of course your husband is sexually attracted to her, lol. If he just needed to think and spend time with a friend why couldn't he just go golfing with a buddy? Why did he need to spend time with a beautiful blond whom he barely new. When he spends time with his other friends does he book a hotel room with them too? Obviously not. This was all about sexual attraction. 

And usually when the cheating husband confesses to his wife she gets a really watered down version of the truth. I suppose you think that he deserves points for coming home and telling you about it himself rather than getting caught and that's possibly true depending on what the whole story is here because there could be much much more to this story than you ever imagined. Like it could have been much longer or much more involved than he is admitting. He might have been forced to tell you because someone else was threatening to tell you. I think you have barely scratched the surface. 

In any case if you wish to stay with him than you two need some serious marital therapy. If you just sweep this under the rug and try to go back to life as normal it will only come back to bite you later. Confront the problems in your marriage now. Your children don't belong in your marital bed, you have been using the kids to push your husband away, however that doesn't in any way excuse your husband's actions and you didn't make him cheat on you so don't let him try that line on you either. Get into counselling, demand total honesty from your husband and you be totally honest with him to. If the two of you cannot fix your problems better to face that now rather than later. 

[mark clemson]

It sounds to me like there was emotion and intimacy (maybe full sex, maybe not). I think even most really good friends don't text 10 times/day constantly. And certainly there was intent for intimacy at the time he booked the hotel room.

I don't think telling you "suited his interests" if he wanted to continue the affair (or even simply to end it). It sounds most likely to me that when push came to shove he either felt too guilty or "realized" this wasn't actually what he wanted and needed to come clean (again, most likely due to feelings of guilt).

Edited July 9, 2021 by mark clemson

[mark clemson]

^^ I will add that it's at least theoretically possible that he's hoping you'll decide to leave over this. That could be why he told you, possibly even not fully consciously. However, I think the probability of that being the case is quite low.

[Myabee]

15 hours ago, Sylvia0071 said:

My husband and I have been together for 20 years. We have two kids and recently I have been very occupied with them. It got to the stage where the kids were sleeping in our bed and I wasn't going out with him because I was too busy with the kids and we have no babysitter. My husband felt very neglected and tried to reach out to me but I ignored him. Two months ago he met a beautiful blonde girl at a family friends birthday which I did not attend. She asked for my husbands number through a friend and they started texting. Eventually the texts become so frequent that he became paranoid that I would find them so he installed signal private messenger so I could not track the messages. I found out that he had been calling her every day and texting her every other time even when I was sitting next to him on the coach watching tv (10 messages a day and one phone call a day sometimes two). He claimed they spoke about every day things. Nothing about love. They had met twice in the two months. Once for a bike ride that was a lunch date and the other a stay in the hotel room booked for two night. When I found out he claimed they were only every really friends. He said that she made him feel good by constantly giving him compliments. When asked about the hotel room he claimed that they only kissed the first night and he eventually pushed her away as he realized this is not what he wanted. He stayed one night with her and a whole day but came home the next night(one day earlier than expected). He said that he thought of me the whole time and how wrong it was. When I asked why he had not come home earlier he said he needed time to process what he was going to say to me. He told me the whole story as soon as he came home and looked really distressed. He said that he had a lot of confused emotions and felt like he needed to spend time with this girl to figure out what he wanted in our marriage. The thought of sleeping with her he said was not an option. It was more emotional. He said it had nothing to do with her or me it was more about how he was feeling at the time and was trying to figure out what our marriage meant to him and whether it was worth salvaging it. He ended blocking her number after her constantly texting him to ask whether he was OK and whether there was anything she could do to help him. His also made a lot of effort since then and has given me access to his phone and lets me know where he is at all times. Is it possible for a man not to feel any sexual attraction for a women and use her as a way to discover how he was feeling about the marriage and what our relationship meant to him? I'm confused because why a hotel room and a weekend away? Is this whole emotional feeling true that there can be no sexual attraction to a person? Can I have some thoughts please. I am really struggling to understand him.

I would not 100% believe him at this point. He stayed in a hotel room and nothing sexual occured? Sorry but I don't buy that at all. Clearly something is very amiss with your marriage. Have you had any sudden big changes occur? New job? Move? Death in the family? 

[elaine567]

17 minutes ago, Myabee said:

Two months ago he met a beautiful blonde girl at a family friends birthday which I did not attend. 

Are you even certain he met her there or was this a prearranged meet between the two of them? 

[Myabee]

I would have no clue. I was replying to Sylvia's post about her husband cheating. Common sense would tell me you meet in a hotel room and most likely sex took place. That's what her MM was after it sounds like. 

[Lotsgoingon]

I'm going to cut against the grain here and say the fact that your husband told you what happened (without being "caught") suggests to me that he is not lying. And if I read this correctly here, all those details about communication and using Signal also come from him, right? 

There do exist men who are conflicted out there. Men who would set up things to do x and then get alarmed by the guilt they know they'll feel later. 

Is your husband easy to read? The conflicted type would be the type that really isn't good at lying. 

 

 

 

 

[Lotsgoingon]

Yes he lied ... but I'm accepting his claim that he didn't have sex. He stopped himself before having sex. 

He wasn't caught, so I see no reason for him to come clean--other than he wanted to get right with his wife.

Sex really is the dividing line here. Flirting, buying hotel room, all of that is bad and lying. But stopping before sex is way better than not. 

And I agree with Wiseman: the marriage has serious problems beyond this husband behavior here.

 

 

[elaine567]

2 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Yes he lied ... but I'm accepting his claim that he didn't have sex. He stopped himself before having sex. 

Why? He still stayed for a whole night and the next day in that room.
What were they doing?
Playing Tiddlywinks?..

OK he didn't stay the second night but maybe that was her idea not his... 
His "distress" may be more about her dumping him than worry about his marriage... Or she threatened to tell the wife, so he hightailed it home
We don't know what happened, but to assume he is telling the truth in the first telling, is probably naïve.
Trickle truthjng is very common.
It is in his best interests to minimise in front of his wife.
Give her a story she will believe to make ME sound better and less guilty - is how it works.
The real story once finally found out is usually a whole lot different.

Of course if she wants to forgive him, then a minimal made up story about what happened may be perfectly acceptable to her, in fact it may be preferable...

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, I would operate under the assumption that what you know (ie, what he has told you) is only a fraction of the truth. 

It sounds like his guilt got the best of him and he came to you, but I would not for a moment believe that's all there is to know about their affair. Whatever went on between them, it is clear that your husband is having serious doubts about the future of your marriage and has been debating leaving. 

I am really sorry this happened. I would make an appointment with a counsellor for some emotional guidance, a doctor for an STI test, and a lawyer to understand what your rights are in the event of a separation. 

[glows]

It wouldn't matter to me whether he had sex with her or not. That he was so conflicted that he had to involve a third party (outside the marriage) to figure out his internal woes shows severe lack of integrity, something totally irreconcilable for me. Please don't get caught with the storyline. What this really is is a marriage that's in trouble and he doesn't know what he wants. You can decide whether or not you can live with a man who doesn't know what he wants.