Boyfriend becoming petty and jealous since we started living together

July 12, 2021

On 7/10/2021 at 8:19 PM, basil67 said:

The OP should get a job and move out. On the last sentence, I think we agree.

Yes - "should" from our perspective. It seems not from hers, but c'est la vie, although it sounds like she at least considered it.

July 12, 2021

I knew a girl who sounds a bit like you in college. Prety and Christian and saving it for marriage etc. Celibate BF in another state IIRC. Boy did she LOVE giving backrubs for some reason. Quite skilled in that department. But whatever.

On 7/10/2021 at 11:37 PM, Janie7 said:

Look, I can appreciate why some of you are saying that I should just move out and end my relationship with my bf. But I'm not going to do that. I love him! I came here to get advice on how to work things out with him, not for advice on leaving him. We are very much in love and we both want to work things out. I think it would be premature to end it at this point, just because we're having some issues that really are quite understandable, as everyone here says.

Fair enough, people are not perfect, relationships are not perfect, and well - it's your life.

To "work things out", do what folks above have suggested. Tone down the partying and tone down the Tony (heh). Your BF seems to be behaving somewhat like what some BS's would, so you need to do things than engender his trust. DON'T let him cut out your social life, but let him know what you're up to, e.g. when you go out to see friends. Dial down the spending.

You should understand that there sounds like potential for this relationship to become abusive. It's somewhat "controlling" now, but not abusive IMO. This means that, in order to have things work out well, you NEED to keep an eye on that. If it starts to feel like you're "in trouble" all the time and/or he starts to become even more controlling and/or (worse) threatening, you need to take that very seriously and either show A LOT of spine or just leave. Do NOT let things intensify much, if at all, from here. Do NOT let him cut you off from your family, whatever else you do.

You should also keep an eye on him. As you say he is wealthy(?) and also is away from the house a lot. This is a recipe for (potential) cheating. He may be Christian and saving it for marriage, but there are MANY hypocrites of various types in the world, including Christian ones. Clearly he is no angel as he's tried to pressure you to "start early" with him. I'm NOT saying he's doing anything, I'm saying there's potential, and while perhaps that's always true, a horny rich guy away from home a lot probably creates more potential than most.

You seem to be on the road to becoming a trophy wife. While it's not for everyone, it's certainly FAR from unheard of, and boils down to a life choice.

GL.

July 12, 2021

Janie, I get it, you want what you want and will justify what you want until it costs you something that you value more that what you are justifying. Your topic was "Boyfriend being petty and jealous since we are living together". I don't think you really wanted advice as much as validation that you were in the right here. I too am Christian....something I see missing from your Christianese script spin is what the bible says about tempting others. ( Romans 14:12 avoid eating meat or drink wine or anything that causes our brother or sister to stumble) If Tony is getting hard, (with you sitting in his lap, half naked in your BFs hottub) you are undeniably creating temptation for Tony which is a sin. Tony's body cannot disguise the emotions you are encouraging by your actions. You continue to defend your actions, never saying that you will eliminate the actions but only that you will "try" to scale back on these activities. What would your BF say or how would you feel if after sitting on Tony's lap, Tony gets out of the tub and your BF sees Tony's erection? Would you feel any guilt or responsibility? From your comments throughout this thread I am not sure from a maturity perspective, that you are there yet.

If a fiance' or spouse learns that something he or she is doing is hurting the other, they sit down and discuss this. Does your BF even know that Tony is with you 1:1 with you (half naked, BTW is this a reference to a swimsuit or are you topless etc with respect to your reference of half naked)? Does your BF know that Tony gets aroused with you and he are in the hot tub? These are serious questions I am not trying to do anything other than to open your eyes a bit and understand how your perspective may be much more one sided and counter productive to your relationship than you realize. I suggest you try this: Tell your BF that you and Tony were in the Hot Tube and you were sitting on his lap and he got hard. If you see the reaction that i am betting he has as controlling so be it but I'll bet you that 99 of 100 males would not be comfortable with their GF / Fiance 1:1 half naked in a hot tube with their friend of the opposite sex with either of them developing an erection. I hope for you and your BF that you become more self aware and inciteful of your behavior and stop putting it off on your BF.

July 12, 2021

It's funny how some people have a problem with you not working (for a paycheck, as I'm willing to bet you keeps things tidy at home) while you're in school, yet men get put through school all the time by women.

Him going against your agreement and pushing for your body is a deal breaker. He is trying to manipulate you because, in his mind, you OWE him. No one owes anyone their body, for any reason. You two are not even engaged yet.

Keep your friendship with your male friend if you wish, but I wouldn't bring him to the house if I were you--especially when your bf is not at home. It's a respect thing.

July 12, 2021

Thanks, Georgia. yeah I also don't see why everyone is getting on me for that. Lots of couples support each other while they attend school. And yes, I do keep the place clean for him.

5 hours ago, mark clemson said:

You should understand that there sounds like potential for this relationship to become abusive. It's somewhat "controlling" now, but not abusive IMO. This means that, in order to have things work out well, you NEED to keep an eye on that. If it starts to feel like you're "in trouble" all the time and/or he starts to become even more controlling and/or (worse) threatening, you need to take that very seriously and either show A LOT of spine or just leave. Do NOT let things intensify much, if at all, from here. Do NOT let him cut you off from your family, whatever else you do.

Yes, mark, I understand. I also think he's quite controlling but no, he hasn't abused me. He is not that violent but sometimes he can have an awful temper. He has always has control and trust issues and I will be mindful if it gets any worse. I've seen some of my friends get into abusive relationships and even tho I love my bf very much I would never allow myself to be treat like that. I think we can work this out once I am more prepared to discuss all our issues, but if not I will not let him cut me off from those I love.

9 hours ago, stillafool said:

You said you are a Christian and that is what the Bible says about woman's attire. It's not a matter of different times or different cultures because as you should know as a Christian, God's word never changes. It is whether you believe it to be true and follow it.

God's word never changes, but what is considered "proper" attire does change. It's not that complicated.

13 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

There is a reason there are commandments prohibiting "coveting". Lust is one of the 7 deadly sins. You arousing lust in Tony is not in line with the Christian values you claim to abide by. Neither is cuddling naked with your BF. You should perhaps stop talking about this on an internet message board & make an appointment with your pastor. Let that spiritual advisor set you on the right path, because you are on the wrong one now.

But I am not coveting or lusting anyone. Nor am I arousing lust in anyone. I think it is extremely sexist to accuse women of arousing men. Men will get aroused just because a women is in the room. It doesn't matter what she's wearing or how she is acting.

4 hours ago, kgcolonel said:

If a fiance' or spouse learns that something he or she is doing is hurting the other, they sit down and discuss this. Does your BF even know that Tony is with you 1:1 with you (half naked, BTW is this a reference to a swimsuit or are you topless etc with respect to your reference of half naked)? Does your BF know that Tony gets aroused with you and he are in the hot tub? These are serious questions I am not trying to do anything other than to open your eyes a bit and understand how your perspective may be much more one sided and counter productive to your relationship than you realize. I suggest you try this: Tell your BF that you and Tony were in the Hot Tube and you were sitting on his lap and he got hard. If you see the reaction that i am betting he has as controlling so be it but I'll bet you that 99 of 100 males would not be comfortable with their GF / Fiance 1:1 half naked in a hot tube with their friend of the opposite sex with either of them developing an erection. I hope for you and your BF that you become more self aware and inciteful of your behavior and stop putting it off on your BF.

No you are right. This is not all on my bf. I will not blame him for everything. I know I'm also at least partly to blame for his controlling jealousy, because I would probably get jealous too if the shoe was on the other foot. And of course you are right that my bf would not be comfortable if I told him everything about me and Tony. He is already uncomfortable just because Tony hangs out here. So yes, I do need to be more aware of my behavior but also I think I need to discuss appropriate boundaries with my bf, which I'm going to do soon (I'm still trying to plan out everything I want to say, lol)

And no, the half naked comment does not mean I go topless! I can't believe you said that. I am not that kind of girl. I mean, sure, I might wear revealing outfits sometimes, but I do not blatantly expose my private parts for all the world to see, like some kind of hoe. I only said 'half naked' as a figure of speech, so I wouldn't have to be more explicit. But tbh it's fairly accurate, because my bikini is too way too small for me (i've had it since 10th grade) and it is a white semi-sheer fabric, which makes it kind of see through when it gets wet. But for the record, no, I do not do topless!

July 12, 2021

5 hours ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

It's funny how some people have a problem with you not working (for a paycheck, as I'm willing to bet you keeps things tidy at home) while you're in school, yet men get put through school all the time by women

If the OP was male, doing a single degree and being supported by a woman but made the same choices as the OP, I'd be telling him to get a job. And of course, there's still the issue of him finishing school with a degree and zero work experience, making him much less employable than those who had a part time job while studying.

The only time I would say differently is if the person was doing a double degree and was respectful of their living circumstances and partner's wallet.

There is no gender bias in my advice.

July 12, 2021

8 minutes ago, Janie7 said:

I only said 'half naked' as a figure of speech, so I wouldn't have to be more explicit. But tbh it's fairly accurate, because my bikini is too way too small for me (i've had it since 10th grade) and it is a white semi-sheer fabric, which makes it kind of see through when it gets wet. But for the record, no, I do not do topless!

And I'm sure you're very aware that a woman who's in a too small, semi see through wet bikini will get even more attention than one who is just plain naked.

Do you wear this bikini with women around, or just with Tony?

Edited July 12, 2021 by basil67

July 12, 2021

17 minutes ago, Janie7 said:

Men will get aroused just because a women is in the room. It doesn't matter what she's wearing or how she is acting.

Interesting, I recently had a man say the exact same thing to me.... doesn't even matter what type of RL they have, friends, bf/gf, co-workers, employer/employee, even family, put a man and a woman in same room, there will be "sexual tension," the man will get aroused and want to have sex with her.

Not sure I agree, but that is what he told me.

Again, interesting.

Edited July 12, 2021 by poppyfields

July 12, 2021

22 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Not sure I agree, but that is what he told me.

Yeah me either. I'd like to see the sexual arousal between an 21 year old man and a 87 year old woman stuck in an elevator.

July 12, 2021

31 minutes ago, Janie7 said:

God's word never changes, but what is considered "proper" attire does change. It's not that complicated.

Stop playing with God. You know better.

July 12, 2021

41 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Interesting, I recently had a man say the exact same thing to me.... doesn't even matter what type of RL they have, friends, bf/gf, co-workers, employer/employee, even family, put a man and a woman in same room, there will be "sexual tension," the man will get aroused and want to have sex with her.

Not sure I agree, but that is what he told me.

Again, interesting.

And not always true

July 12, 2021

24 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Yeah me either. I'd like to see the sexual arousal between an 21 year old man and a 87 year old woman stuck in an elevator.

LOL, I think perhaps he meant put an "attractive" man and woman in the same room, there will be sexual tension and the man will get aroused and desire sex.

But who the hell knows.

I am NOT a man, far be it for me to know what goes on in a man's brain re sexual arousal... but if let's say when my boss and I are in the same room alone together and he's feeling sexually aroused and sexual tension, that's kinda of creepy!!

Or my own brother?

Even more creepy!

Edited July 12, 2021 by poppyfields

July 12, 2021

10 minutes ago, Uruktopi said:

And not always true

Thank you, was beginning to feel a bit icky thinking about my BOSS or my own brother getting sexually aroused simply because we were in the same room alone together....

Edited July 12, 2021 by poppyfields

July 12, 2021

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Thank you, was beginning to feel a bit icky thinking about my BOSS or my own brother getting sexually aroused simply because we were in the same room....

Too much stereotypes, cliches

July 13, 2021

57 minutes ago, basil67 said:

And I'm sure you're very aware that a woman who's in a too small, semi see through wet bikini will get even more attention than one who is just plain naked.

Do you wear this bikini with women around, or just with Tony?

I see you continue to try and insinuate that I am trying to be more than friends with Tony.

Look, I'm not interested in Tony in that way. As I've already made quite clear, I considered making him my bf long ago and it didn't work out. We're way past that now. Like 3 years past. We are simply not compatible for a romantic relationship. I know that, and Tony knows that. We already tried and it didn't work. Why would either of us have any interest in reliving that painful part of our past?

For the record I would never wear something to seduce another man into having sex with me, unless of course it was my husband. That bikini is my favorite and I always wear it when my friends are over, not just Tony. Wrong again.

July 13, 2021

No, I don't think you're trying to be more than friends with Tony. I don't think you are trying to seduce him either. Rather, I think your behaviour that of a tease. You know he's getting turned on by your actions and semi see through swimwear and you enjoy it. It likely is quite the ego boost.

Edited July 13, 2021 by basil67

July 13, 2021

You, my dear, are what we call a pr**k tease. You dress for sexual attention, and you put yourself in sexual situations and claim there's nothing sexual behind it. If you don't stop it, you're going to lose your fiance. No man will put up with that disrespect for long.

Edited July 13, 2021 by Crazelnut

July 13, 2021

26 minutes ago, basil67 said:

No, I don't think you're trying to be more than friends with Tony. I don't think you are trying to seduce him either. Rather, I think your behavior that of a tease. You know he's getting turned on by your actions and semi see through swimwear and you enjoy it. It likely is quite the ego boost.

yeah... honey, I don't need an ego boost. I've been modeling swimwear since I was 14, and lingerie since I was 17, including with some high end brands like Dolls Kill and Yandy, and a few times for ridiculous amounts of money. I mean, not trying to brag, but I am young and sexy and beautiful, and every man I meet wants to make love to me. So yeah, wrong again, I hardly need an ego boost.

Now I will admit that yes, obviously I know all my guy friends get aroused because of how I dress and look, and of course I secretly enjoy it. Who doesn't? Are you saying you don't like it when a man is attracted to you? We all appreciate a man's attention. There is nothing wrong with that.

You are only a tease if you are trying to arouse them on purpose. If not, then it's just boys will be boys. I do not arouse my guy friends on purpose, I'm just hanging out with them and they can't help themselves. Yes I like wearing revealing outfits sometimes, but that is not because I am purposely trying to get guys horny. I am not a tease. I do not try to torment guys for my own amusement. I just like wearing skimpy outfits sometimes just because it makes me feel feminine and confident.

So yeah, wrong... again. But thank you for sharing your opinion.

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