Boyfriend becoming petty and jealous since we started living together

[Janie7]

52 minutes ago, basil67 said:

 

You said:   That is why I would never do something like tickle, wrestle, sit in their lap, with just about any guy, not even my friends. I've tried it and they will inevitably end up doing something inappropriate.  I don't even feel comfortable wearing a cheeky swimsuit around them because of all the crude comments. 

Then immediately after, you said But with Tony I feel completely comfortable doing all of those things,   This means that you don't do these things with others but you do with Tony.

Nice try, but you are changing the subject.  What you said has nothing to do with you suggesting I'm doing a sexual act with Tony.

And apparently you missed the point.  Yes, I will do things with Tony I'd never do with any other of my guy friends because we are so close and I trust him, NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM!  The whole point I was trying to make was that I understand why someone might get a false impression if they don't know any better.  So yes, ordinarily if you saw someone as close and touchy as me and Tony you would probably be right to think something. But the truth is just that we are more like brother-sister and our closeness is simply the result of us feeling so comfortable around each other.

Is it clear now?

 

[BaileyB]

16 minutes ago, Janie7 said:

But the truth is just that we are more like brother-sister

I don’t tickle, wrestle, or sit in my brother’s lap. Nor does he does he become sexually aroused when we swim together in the pool. 

No, we haven’t done that since we were about 6-8 years old. And even then, we were usually fighting over the television remote. As we grew older, we learned that it was inappropriate to behave that way and we started to respect boundaries with each other. Something you have yet to figure out…

Edited July 12, 2021 by BaileyB

[Uruktopi]

7 minutes ago, Janie7 said:

Nice try, but you are changing the subject.  What you said has nothing to do with you suggesting I'm doing a sexual act with Tony.

And apparently you missed the point.  Yes, I will do things with Tony I'd never do with any other of my guy friends because we are so close and I trust him, NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM!  The whole point I was trying to make was that I understand why someone might get a false impression if they don't know any better.  So yes, ordinarily if you saw someone as close and touchy as me and Tony you would probably be right to think something. But the truth is just that we are more like brother-sister and our closeness is simply the result of us feeling so comfortable around each other.

Is it clear now?

 

The only clear thing about is that, yes, what you are doing with Tony is an action of sexual nature.

[BaileyB]

16 minutes ago, Uruktopi said:

The only clear thing about is that, yes, what you are doing with Tony is an action of sexual nature.

Brothers and sisters do not behave this way toward each other. 

Like, that Friends episode where Rachel’s date was tickling and wresting with his sister. The “friends” all thought it was weird and creepy too! 

The brother sister excuse doesn’t fly OP. 

[Trail Blazer]

@Janie7

I'll simplify what everyone is telling you;

Your relationship with Tony, regardless of the semantics of each poster's interpretations of your actions, are highly inappropriate.  You need to immediately cease from all activities which include everything up to and including being one-on-one with him.

If you want to remain friends with Tony, fine.  But you should not be spending alone time with him, period.  Until such time that you can demonstrate an ability to recognize and adhere to appropriate boundaries, you should be significantly reducing your time spent with Tony.

I guarantee you that if both your boyfriend and Tony's girlfriend were told of the true nature of your relationship, they'd be appalled.  You can rationalize it all you like, but you can never justify it nor convince anyone that it's normal or appropriate.  It is simply unbecoming for someone in a relationship to behave this way.

[basil67]

30 minutes ago, Janie7 said:

Nice try, but you are changing the subject.  What you said has nothing to do with you suggesting I'm doing a sexual act with Tony.

And apparently you missed the point.  Yes, I will do things with Tony I'd never do with any other of my guy friends because we are so close and I trust him, NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM!  The whole point I was trying to make was that I understand why someone might get a false impression if they don't know any better.  So yes, ordinarily if you saw someone as close and touchy as me and Tony you would probably be right to think something. But the truth is just that we are more like brother-sister and our closeness is simply the result of us feeling so comfortable around each other.

Is it clear now?

I'm not changing the subject at all.  What you are doing is a highly sexual act - and exactly the reason why he gets a boner. 

 

[Uruktopi]

19 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Brothers and sisters do not behave this way toward each other. 

Like, that Friends episode where Rachel’s date was tickling and wresting with his sister. The “friends” all thought it was weird and creepy too! 

The brother sister excuse doesn’t fly OP. 

Nope they don´t.

Things do not deppend on their labels.

A label saying what is not inside is a fraud and the original meaning of adultery: wine diluted with water.

Edited July 12, 2021 by Uruktopi

[Alpacalia]

OP the only two people that can make peace with your friendship with Tony is you and your boyfriend.

And I hope that the both of you do.

[Uruktopi]

5 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

OP the only two people that can make peace with your friendship with Tony is you and your boyfriend.

And I hope that the both of you do.

Good that you said it as a hope and not as a prediction.

[Janie7]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

I don’t tickle, wrestle, or sit in my brother’s lap. Nor does he does he become sexually aroused when we swim together in the pool. 

No, we haven’t done that since we were about 6-8 years old. And even then, we were usually fighting over the television remote. As we grew older, we learned that it was inappropriate to behave that way and we started to respect boundaries with each other. Something you have yet to figure out…

Well, I think every family is different.  I used to tickle and wrestle with my brother, not as teenagers of course, but when we were younger.  And I know a lot my friends also used to play fight and stuff with their siblings as well. But of course in other families it is different.  I also have friends who hate so much as being touched by their siblings.  So I think what is 'respecting boundaries' is going to be different depending on how you grew up.

I also think sexual arousal among siblings is more common than you might think.  After all, the physical body does not know the difference between a sibling and a stranger.  I know a lot of my friends who have told me they have caught their brothers staring, and I have caught my own brother ogling me many times as well.  

So yes I can understand you on respecting boundaries and I agree with you.  But I may not agree on you with you on what is appropriate or not appropriate.  I think it depends on how you are raised and the particular dynamics of your own family.  But I do get your point.

[Uruktopi]

10 hours ago, Janie7 said:

 Plus, none of this would have even been an issue if he didn't have his neighbor snooping and spying on me.

 

https://makeameme.org/meme/he-caught-me-0dc3774c4c

[ShyViolet]

4 hours ago, Janie7 said:

The reason Tony gets hard with me sometimes is probably simply because of the nature of the situation, not because of any "wiggling".  We are in a hot tub and I'm sitting on him half naked.  Any guy in this situation would probably get hard and I think you know that.  It is not necessary to bring up a blatant sexual act performed by strippers in order to explain it.

Are you hearing yourself?  I am absolutely floored that you think this is normal and appropriate when you're in a committed relationship with someone else.  You can't possibly be this clueless.  I'm not sure what is more shocking.... the fact that you think this is appropriate, or the fact that your bf is putting up with this and staying with you.  I said it earlier but it bears repeating.... you are nowhere near mature enough to be in a relationship.

[Janie7]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

I'm not changing the subject at all.  What you are doing is a highly sexual act - and exactly the reason why he gets a boner. 

Merely sitting on someone's lap is not a sexual act.  That is ridiculous.  If that were the case, then fathers would be pedophiles because their daughters sit on their laps.  

That is why you had to lie and say I was "wiggling" on his lap instead of just "sitting" on his lap.  To make it a sexual act.  

He does not get a boner because I sit on his lap.  Or because we tickle fight and wrestle.  Or because of anything else I do.  Nor would I intentionally give him one as that would be disrespectful of him and inappropriate as I am in a relationship. He gets a boner simply because he is a normal 22 year old guy with raging hormones and he's in a hot tub with a girl who is practically naked.  It's perfectly normal and it doesn't mean anything.  There is nothing intentional on either side it's just part of the friction of having an opposite sex friendship.  

So please quit insinuating that somehow I am responsible for, or intentionally causing, my friend to get aroused, especially by a "highly" sexual act.  It is not true and is simply ridiculous on its face.  Everyone knows that a guy will get aroused just by looking, there is no need to perform a "highly sexual act".  And it is sooo inappropriate to falsely accuse others of sexual acts.  That's like high school sh*t and it's also a subtle form of sexual harassment.

[ShyViolet]

1 minute ago, Janie7 said:

He does not get a boner because I sit on his lap.  Or because we tickle fight and wrestle.  Or because of anything else I do.  Nor would I intentionally give him one as that would be disrespectful of him and inappropriate as I am in a relationship. He gets a boner simply because he is a normal 22 year old guy with raging hormones and he's in a hot tub with a girl who is practically naked.  It's perfectly normal and it doesn't mean anything.  There is nothing intentional on either side it's just part of the friction of having an opposite sex friendship.  

If he gets a boner from being around you, then you SHOULD NOT BE TOUCHING HIS BODY, what part of that do you not understand?  Why on earth would you touch his body, tickle him, sit on his lap, wear a skimpy swimsuit around him, when you know that he gets a boner from you?  

[basil67]

38 minutes ago, Janie7 said:

So please quit insinuating that somehow I am responsible for, or intentionally causing, my friend to get aroused, especially by a "highly" sexual act.  It is not true and is simply ridiculous on its face.  Everyone knows that a guy will get aroused just by looking, there is no need to perform a "highly sexual act".  And it is sooo inappropriate to falsely accuse others of sexual acts.  That's like high school sh*t and it's also a subtle form of sexual harassment.

Let's be really clear, I would only do what you're describing with a guy who into me and who I was about to have hot monkey sex with.   Why?  Because I know how to be hot when I want and I know it's a highly sexual act guaranteed to give a guy a raging hard on for the girl.   And you did use the word 'wiggling' - I copied your use description a couple of posts back.

If guys got aroused just by looking, every guy at the beach would be walking, laying and sitting with a boner.   But it's not the case, is it.  Not even when the girls are topless or on a nude beach.  

 

Edited July 12, 2021 by basil67

[Uruktopi]

There is no one here that agrees with the orginal poster´s views on this (perhaps I missed it, please correct me if it´s the case)

Not necessarilly about the no sex with BF (that´s their agreement so if we like it or not).

But mainly about the nature of her relationship with Tony.

And about the intrinsic meaning of facts regardless the allegued intentions, irrelevant even if true.

Given circular way of this debate and except someone someone asks me to clarify something, I declare my participation unuseful while I still stand for what already said.

Best wishes to all of you.  

[balletomane]

Am I the only one who is finding this impossible to believe now? "I'm a conservative Christian girl, so I don't have sex before marriage...I just get naked with my bf in bed and sit mostly naked on my friend in a hot tub, which is totally platonic and sibling-like." No one can be this naive. If they were they wouldn't have made a thread for advice about it. I can normally spot trolling pretty quickly, but it took me a while here.

[d0nnivain]

Janie 7

Please understand something that you are apparently choosing to ignore:  when children whose ages are in the single digits sit on an opposite sex parent's lap, it's fine; similarly when those children tickle "fight" or wrestle it's equally fine. 

When you -- a woman over the age of 16 do any of those things with a man, it's foreplay.  Thus you sitting on Tony's lap, giving him any kind of massage or having a tickle fight with him is intentional sexual conduct & therefore a problem for both your romance with your BF and against church teaching.  There is a reason there are commandments prohibiting "coveting".  Lust is one of the 7 deadly sins.  You arousing lust in Tony is not in line with the Christian values you claim to abide by.  Neither is cuddling naked with your BF.   You should perhaps stop talking about this on an internet message board & make an appointment with your pastor.  Let that spiritual advisor set you on the right path, because you are on the wrong one now.  

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, balletomane said:

I can normally spot trolling pretty quickly, but it took me a while here.

My thoughts exactly at this point. 

Interesting tale. Doesn't sound like any of it came out of the mouth of a young, religious, inexperienced woman, though. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Janie7 said:

 we are more like brother-sister 

Brother-sister relationships don't involve erections.

[lana-banana]

6 hours ago, Janie7 said:

I also think sexual arousal among siblings is more common than you might think.  After all, the physical body does not know the difference between a sibling and a stranger.  I know a lot of my friends who have told me they have caught their brothers staring, and I have caught my own brother ogling me many times as well.  

Folks...

[Uruktopi]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Brother-sister relationships don't involve erections.

True.

And, at least in my experience, neither does the interaction between friends when one or both of them are in a relationship.

[stillafool]

12 hours ago, Janie7 said:

Yes but in Matthew it says that if a man lusts after a woman in his heart he has already committed adultery with her.  So I guess it is a question of perspective.  You can put it on the women or the men.  I say we just all worry about ourselves and not make other people's attire our personal concern.

Also, what is "respectable" is going to be different at different times and in different cultures.  As an example, in the Middle East they would interpret this to mean that women should cover their faces in public.  So you see how you have to be careful in how you interpret things.  

You said you are a Christian and that is what the Bible says about woman's attire.  It's not a matter of different times or different cultures because as you should know as a Christian, God's word never changes.  It is whether you believe it to be true and follow it.

[LynneVicious]

I agree on the validity of this thread. The op certainly seems intelligent and understands men and relationships well enough for only 20 years old, but

-is completely clueless about relationship boundaries 

-parties like a rock star in her boyfriends mansion with friends all day

-huge amounts of money spent

-partying like a rock star

-with a former naked cuddle buddy

-whose lap she sits in a bikini -all while being a top model

-while being a good Christian girl

-who lives with her boyfriend

-who she met in bible study

-who she makes ‘relieve’ himself in the bathroom 

Come on lol

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, Janie7 said:

I will do things with Tony I'd never do with any other of my guy friends because we are so close and I trust him

Were you brought up in a cult which sexualizes recruiting new members?

"Some religious cults practiced sacred prostitution as an instrument to recruit new converts. Among them was the cult Children of God, also known as The Family, who called this practice "Flirty Fishing".