Boyfriend becoming petty and jealous since we started living together

[Trail Blazer]

2 hours ago, Janie7 said:

Because all human beings get jealous and possessive sometimes.  It's human nature.

Human beings also get cancer, but nobody conflates the statistical likelihood of it's development being common with something to be unalarmed by.

[Uruktopi]

19 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I don't think either you or your boyfriend are ready for a marriage-type relationship, OP. 

Like many 20-year-olds (msyelf included at that age), you're making a lot of mistakes and fumbles and hopefully will learn along the way. But this relationship likely will not last. There's too much dysfunction and immaturity. 

 

Sorry to say, a lot, toooooo much married relationships also have dysfunction and immaturity almost regardless their ages.

They only "mature" about money and kids and perhaps with some cosmetic changes on social life.

Given the paradigms of thought shown by the OP end her BF, they´ll have sex once married, yes. But a declining one along time, with no eros, no passions, a "conservative" one no matter religious origins / teachings.

WHILE also puting the seduction thing in flirting outside the relationship, masked as "harmless" cos.....(at least according to "soul" intentions) it will not lead to the mechanics of penetrative sex. That is, only different in grade of what she had with Tony and have now whith her BF.

And is THAT what we socially call functional and mature?

Not in my book.

 

[poppyfields]

>>I will even give him back rubs and sit in his lap, <<

I mean no disrespect to anyone in asking this question, but could Tony possibly be gay and/or in the closet or something?

I mean by your own admission, you are a beautiful, sexual, tactile  lingerie model, what's bolded above does not seem natural to me assuming he is hetero.

Any hetero man would have a massive hard on in that scenario, and would desire things to escalate, naturally, as masculine/feminine polarity tends to dictate. 

I dunno, this entire situation sounds very off.

Not much more to add, but good luck, and perhaps speak with your pastor for pre-marital counseling as I suggested earlier.

Tell him everything -  how you and your boyfriend lie naked in bed fondling each other, his blue balls, masturbating, and of course your 'friendship" with Tony including what is bolded above. 

Hear what HE has to say, maybe something will finally sink in ...

.

 

 

Edited July 11, 2021 by poppyfields

[Janie7]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

>>I will even give him back rubs and sit in his lap, <<

I mean no disrespect to anyone in asking this question, but could Tony possibly be gay and/or in the closet or something?

I mean by your own admission, you are a beautiful, sexual, tactile  lingerie model, what's bolded above does not seem natural to me assuming he is hetero.

Any hetero man would have a massive hard on in that scenario, and would desire things to escalate, naturally, as masculine/feminine polarity tends to dictate. 

I dunno, this entire situation sounds very off.

Not much more to add, but good luck, and perhaps speak with your pastor for pre-marital counseling as I suggested earlier.

Tell him everything -  how you and your boyfriend lie naked in bed fondling each other, his blue balls, masturbating, and of course your 'friendship" with Tony including what is bolded above. 

Hear what HE has to say, maybe something will finally sink in ...

.

I wouldn't really feel comfortable talking with my pastor about my sex life.  Actually, I don't really feel comfortable talking about my sex life with anyone face to face.  That's why I'm here!  To get advice from people who don't actually know me so I will not be embarrassed.

And Tony is definitely NOT gay!  He is always talking about girls and sex and he is currently seeing one.

That was my whole point about Tony.  I can trust him.  Like I said, we have already had that conversation long ago and it was quite clear that neither of us wanted a romantic relationship.  I am not his type at all.  He made that very clear.  We simply have some strong differences, which actually make us better friends imho, but which also make a romance impossible.  But because we are true bffs and really have like a true brother-sister relationship ( I swear I feel like a sister to him, maybe even more than my own brother), I probably trust him in this area more than my own brother.  Tony is like family now and neither of us is even thinking or even considering having a sexual relationship, just like we don't with our own siblings.  Having sex with Tony would be as gross to me as having sex with my own brother, and Tony has told me he feels the exact same way.

So yes, Tony might get aroused and get a 'massive hard' as you put it, but he is a gentleman and as a rule he never acts on any of his primal instincts.  I actually don't see why you think this is so weird.  You don't think a guy can control himself around a woman to the point of not acting inappropriately?  Well, I know maybe most guys can't, especially in the society we live in today, but I know some guys can, including a lot of the guys I know from church.  I know lots of guys who are waiting to get married to have sex and they do not just hit on girls because they are aroused.

But of course you are right that many guys are like that.  I get hit on all the time inappropriately, so I'm quite aware of this.  That is why I would never do something like tickle, wrestle, sit in their lap, with just about any guy, not even my friends. I've tried it and they will inevitably end up doing something inappropriate.  I don't even feel comfortable wearing a cheeky swimsuit around them because of all the crude comments.  But with Tony I feel completely comfortable doing all of those things, just like if I was hanging out in the pool with my own family.  He never ever touches me inappropriately nor does he ever sexualize me and make comments, like my other friends do.  Yes, he his normal and I might catch him staring and he might get a toadie, but he will not act on that or make sexual comments or start trying to have sex with me.  He has the self-control to not act like some sort of pervert just because some girl is wearing a tiny bikini, and I know there are many men like him.  I would say my father and brother are like that, for example.  I'll bet my dad and my brother would also not try to have sex with someone other than their wife/gf even if they were 'aroused', nor do they make crude comments to any ladies when we are at the beach, even if they're wearing a thong.

Honestly, maybe the guys you know and hang with are just not that good of guys?

 

 

[poppyfields]

Look Janie, you can rationalize and justify this till the cows come home.

Point is, if Tony is staring at you and getting "toadies" around you, regardless of whether or not he makes sexual remarks or acts on it, it is not appropriate to be giving him backrubs and sitting on his lap or inviting him into your boyfriend's hot tub half naked when you are living with your boyfriend and engaged to be married.

Unless you have a mutually agreed upon open relationship with your boyfriend which you do not. 

Put yourself in your boyfriend's shoes, empathize and exercise some integrity for goodness sake, you are a Christan after all.

Nuff said from me, ciao and all the best.

 

 

Edited July 11, 2021 by poppyfields

[Janie7]

2 hours ago, Uruktopi said:

Given the paradigms of thought shown by the OP end her BF, they´ll have sex once married, yes. But a declining one along time, with no eros, no passions, a "conservative" one no matter religious origins / teachings.

Sorry, but this is simply a misconception some have about a christian marriage.  You can have a very passionate, loving marriage within the context of God's teachings. My bf and I are very passionate about each other, and once we are married I can assure you there will be lost of passion.  Conservative values just means that you wait until you are formally committed to each other before you take that next step.  In fact, I think the sex will be better because we waited, imho.

2 hours ago, Uruktopi said:

WHILE also puting the seduction thing in flirting outside the relationship, masked as "harmless" cos.....(at least according to "soul" intentions) it will not lead to the mechanics of penetrative sex. That is, only different in grade of what she had with Tony and have now whith her BF.

 

Well, to me intercourse is a lot more intimate than cuddling/touching.  And while I think it is still inappropriate (we tried not going there but our passions got the best of us) it is not the same as actually having sex outside of marriage.  So yes, because there is no 'penetrative sex' as you put it, I would say it is basically harmless because there is not a breaking of your vows.  And that is important to some of us.

IMHO, flirting is not harmful if you have no intention whatever of having sex. But if you are seriously considering having sex with them, then yes I think that is harmful and could even be considered 'cheating'.  Otherwise you are just having fun.  People of the opposite sex are attracted to each other all the time, even tho they are in relationships, this is totally normal.  And sometimes I think flirting can be a good way to relieve some of the underlying sexual tension.  I look at it as a sort of playful way to acknowledge those inappropriate feelings while not really succumbing to them.  

And that is how I know it is for me and Tony, so yes, I think it is harmless.  Our flirting is definitely NOT going to led to any sex, so I see no 'harm' here.  Our flirting isn't even planned, it just comes naturally, because we are so close and feel so comfortable with each other, and I think the flirting is just a natural response to the underlying sexual tension.  When we flirt, we are really just acknowledging those feelings in a healthy and playful way, knowing we would never act on them. 

I really think flirting is a healthy way to maintain the platonic nature of an opposite-sex friendship.  You can reaffirm the platonic nature of your relationship while also expressing any underlying feelings of intimacy (which let's be honest all opposite-sex friendships have), and while also being true to your SO. Otherwise you either couldn't be friends with them at all, or else you would have to be 'nice' and let them have sex with you.  And in my opinion both of these options are simply unacceptable.  They don't reflect my basic values.  I believe in a monogamous relationship within the boundaries of a committed marriage, but I also believe friends are forever.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, Janie7 said:

flirting is not harmful if you have no intention whatever of having sex

What does your boyfriend think of this belief?

[Lotsgoingon]

 

Boundaries are not a form of control. 

Say my wife beats me and pummels me and controls the money in my household. If I were to say, no you can't beat and continue to control me, I won't stand for it ... if I say that, that's a boundary. Will my abusive wife, feel controlled at me setting that boundary? Yes, a lot of manipulators and abusers literally think they have a right to manipulate and abuse (or at least they pretend they think this). Then in that case, the couple is not compatible. Abusers hate boundary setters. In fact, abusers have devious evil radar to notice people who are vulnerable to their abusive methods. 

I'm not controlling and abusing because I'm simply stopping harm to me. Another way of setting a boundary is for me to leave--to say, nope, I won't be in relationship with someone who beats me and then end the relationship. 

Part of developing a mature romance is to work out the boundaries. OK, I will not say X and do Y because doing so feels like a violation to you, and you will not say A and do B because that feels like a violation to me. The ongoing challenge of relationships is for the couples to figure out how to respect and understand each others' boundaries without feeling "controlled" and "confined" and put upon by doing so. A man realizes that telling his partner every morning that her mother is a jerk does not help his partner and that not doing so doesn't harm him. 

The feeling of love is not a predictor of a good relationship. People fall in love with drug addicts, alcoholics, criminals, murderers--heck lots of abused people are "in love" with their spouses. Lots! What you're missing is that we can probably fall in love with hundreds of millions of people on this planet. 

A good relationship needs maturity, capacity to love nurture, capacity to receive and accept love and nurture,  capacity to function individually, compatibility in values and in day-to-day living, ideally, with some healthy mutual lust in here. Actually "liking" your partner is probably as important, perhaps more, than "loving" your partner. 

Here's a good article, but it sounds like you are committed to your path. Just update us as you go along. 

[]

 

Edited July 11, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed commercial link

[poppyfields]

22 minutes ago, Janie7 said:

People of the opposite sex are attracted to each other all the time, even tho they are in relationships, this is totally normal.  And sometimes I think flirting can be a good way to relieve some of the underlying sexual tension.  I look at it as a sort of playful way to acknowledge those inappropriate feelings while not really succumbing to them.  

I do not disagree with this.  I also believe flirting can be harmless and can relieve sexual tension in opposite sex friendships.

I don't however believe back rubs and sitting on Tony's lap to be flirting, that goes beyond flirting imo.

To me, that's being a tease. 

Also, when in a serious exclusive relationship, it's important you and your partner be on the same page about this mindset. 

Your boyfriend clearly is not and your attitude appears to be you don't give a shyt.

I am also now doubting you are only 20 years old, your last post reads like someone much older and more experienced wrote it. 

Not accusing you, just my opinion.  

 

 

Edited July 11, 2021 by poppyfields

[Janie7]

18 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Look Janie, you can rationalize and justify this till the cows come home.

Point is, if Tony is staring at you and getting "toadies" around you, regardless of whether or not he makes sexual remarks or acts on it, it is not appropriate to be giving him backrubs and sitting on his lap or inviting him into your boyfriend's hot tub half naked when you are living with your boyfriend and engaged to be married.

Unless you have a mutually agreed upon open relationship with your boyfriend which you do not. 

Put yourself in your boyfriend's shoes, empathize and exercise some integrity for goodness sake, you are a Christan after all.

Nuff said from me, ciao and all the best.

 

 

Poppy, I have tried to put myself in my bf's shoes, and yes I am a Christian, but I still see no reason to feel guilty.  I mean, yes, I can see why he might get jealous, but the cuddling with Tony happened a long time ago, and I am cutting back on the time I let him hang out over here and am trying to spend more quality time with my bf.  And I'm also toning down the flirting.  Plus, none of this would have even been an issue if he didn't have his neighbor snooping and spying on me.

I also know that my bf has some female friends and I have not complained about it at all.  I've never met them but I would have no problem if he was in a platonic relationship with some of them.  As long as she was not an ex, of course.  I was just hoping that our relationship would be strong enough to withstand a few opposite-sex friendships as I've always believed that if you cannot have friends like that then there is something wrong with your relationship.  There are trust issues there.  You should be able to trust your partner if you are really in love.

[FMW]

What does Tony's girlfriend think of your relationship? 

[Janie7]

8 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What does your boyfriend think of this belief?

I admit my bf and I are not exactly on point on this issue.  I mean, he also agrees that a little flirting isn't a big deal, but he is perhaps a bit more conservative than me, so sometimes we might disagree on the definition, or what constitutes going "too far".  For example, sometimes he gets mad because he says he doesn't like how I look and smile at other guys, when as far as I can tell all I'm doing is just being polite.  And of course we argue about what I wear a lot.  He sees it as asking for 'unwanted attention' but imho I'm just trying to look nice. But he doesn't like the cheeky shorts and bikinis, and he really  hates what I wear to the gym, because in his view I am 'asking for it'.  But I do disagree with him on this.  I mean, yes I'm a Christian, but I see nothing wrong with being proud of your body as long as you don't compromise yourself sexually.  I think a girl should be able to wear what she wants without having to worry about some creep acting inappropriately or making a crude comment. 

But otherwise we do mostly agree on this, yes.

[Janie7]

13 minutes ago, FMW said:

What does Tony's girlfriend think of your relationship? 

I don't know.  Tony hasn't told me a lot about her and I've never asked.  Like I said, I think it's basically an fwb thing, but I'm not really sure.

But I can assure you I would never do anything to get in the way of his relationship.  I respect his relationship as he does mine.  In fact, when he told me he was with someone I was genuinely very happy for him because he'd never been in a relationship before.  And I was hoping he would find someone after we both knew it wasn't in the cards for us.  So if he told me this was a problem I would be completely understanding and would make the appropriate 'adjustments'. I'm very happy for him and I hope it works out, so I would never want to be a part of any issue between them.

[Janie7]

24 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I do not disagree with this.  I also believe flirting can be harmless and can relieve sexual tension in opposite sex friendships.

However, when in a serious exclusive relationship, it's important your partner be on the same as this.

Your boyfriend clearly is not and your attitude appears to be you dont give a shyt.

I am also now doubting you are only 20 years old, your last post sounds like someone much older and more experienced wrote it. 

 

Well, I am a journalism major, lol.  But thanks for the compliment!

Like I said in a recent post, I think my bf and I are on the same page on this.  It's just that sometimes we might disagree on what constitutes actual "flirting".  I mean there does seem to be a fine line apparently in how people define "flirting" and just being "friendly". So I think that most couples might not always exactly agree on this. And our relationship is no different.

But I do think we basically agree on this, at least most of the time.

[ExpatInItaly]

14 minutes ago, Janie7 said:

I admit my bf and I are not exactly on point on this issue

So in other words, he doesn't agree that your flirting with Tony is harmless. 

That is your cue to knock it off. 

[Janie7]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

 

Boundaries are not a form of control. 

Say my wife beats me and pummels me and controls the money in my household. If I were to say, no you can't beat and continue to control me, I won't stand for it ... if I say that, that's a boundary. Will my abusive wife, feel controlled at me setting that boundary? Yes, a lot of manipulators and abusers literally think they have a right to manipulate and abuse (or at least they pretend they think this). Then in that case, the couple is not compatible. Abusers hate boundary setters. In fact, abusers have devious evil radar to notice people who are vulnerable to their abusive methods. 

I'm not controlling and abusing because I'm simply stopping harm to me. Another way of setting a boundary is for me to leave--to say, nope, I won't be in relationship with someone who beats me and then end the relationship. 

Part of developing a mature romance is to work out the boundaries. OK, I will not say X and do Y because doing so feels like a violation to you, and you will not say A and do B because that feels like a violation to me. The ongoing challenge of relationships is for the couples to figure out how to respect and understand each others' boundaries without feeling "controlled" and "confined" and put upon by doing so. A man realizes that telling his partner every morning that her mother is a jerk does not help his partner and that not doing so doesn't harm him. 

The feeling of love is not a predictor of a good relationship. People fall in love with drug addicts, alcoholics, criminals, murderers--heck lots of abused people are "in love" with their spouses. Lots! What you're missing is that we can probably fall in love with hundreds of millions of people on this planet. 

A good relationship needs maturity, capacity to love nurture, capacity to receive and accept love and nurture,  capacity to function individually, compatibility in values and in day-to-day living, ideally, with some healthy mutual lust in here. Actually "liking" your partner is probably as important, perhaps more, than "loving" your partner. 

Here's a good article, but it sounds like you are committed to your path. Just update us as you go along. 

[]

 

Thank you.  Yes, I think I understand you, and thanks for the article.  You have really made clear the difference between being "controlling" and just "setting boundaries".  I didn't quite understand this but now I think I do.

Again, thx.

Edited July 11, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Formatting

[poppyfields]

9 minutes ago, Janie7 said:

Well, I am a journalism major, lol.  But thanks for the compliment.

I was not talking about your writing style, more to your awareness of sexual tension between men and women and the power of your own sexuality and the impact it has on men, including Tony and your boyfriend.

You appear to be quite mature in this awareness, not typical of an average 20 year old female virgin, again jmo.

That said, hope it all comes together for you.

 

 

Edited July 11, 2021 by poppyfields

[Janie7]

3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

So in other words, he doesn't agree that your flirting with Tony is harmless. 

That is your cue to knock it off. 

Well to be fair he doesn't know about it because he's not there.  But yes, he would probably be a little uncomfortable if he was hanging out with us. 

So yes, I am going to knock it off, as I already said. From now on, I'm going to try and be more mindful of how I act around Tony, even tho my bf isn't here, just out of respect to him. I might still playfully flirt with him a bit, but if I notice it getting out of hand  I will back off and remember to act more friendly with him. Basically, I'm just going to pretend my bf is there, and act accordingly.  For example, no more sitting on his lap, that just looks bad, and when we get into a tickle fight I'm cutting it off after maybe like 5 mins.  Sometimes we will get into water fights that last for hours, and I can see now why that just doesn't look right.  Anyone might think something. 

[ExpatInItaly]

18 minutes ago, Janie7 said:

Well to be fair he doesn't know about it because he's not there.  But yes, he would probably be a little uncomfortable if he was hanging out with us. 

Again, your cue to stop. 

It is not harmless if you know it would hurt your boyfriend. Stop trying to rationalize it. Just stop doing it. 

18 minutes ago, Janie7 said:

when we get into a tickle fight I'm cutting it off after maybe like 5 mins. 

Stop tickling grown-ass men who are not your boyfriend. 

Edited July 11, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[Janie7]

27 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I was not talking about your writing style, more to your awareness of sexual tension between men and women and the power of your own sexuality and the impact it has on men, including Tony and your boyfriend.

You appear to be quite mature in this awareness, not typical of an average 20 year old female virgin, again jmo.

That said, hope it all comes together for you.

 

 

Well I have modeled lots of swimwear and lingerie since I was a teenager, so in spite of being a virgin, yes, i have become very painfully aware of the sexual tension between men and women, especially men.  I do not have too have sex to know this.

It's like when guys see an attractive women they have this um... response? ... which they cannot control and which causes them to behave like morons.  

[Janie7]

5 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It is not harmless if you know it would hurt your boyfriend. Stop trying to rationalize it. Just stop doing it. 

I'm not rationalizing it.  I already said I'm going to pretend that by bf is with us, and if I think we are doing something that in my opinion would make him uncomfortable if he was there, even if I think it's ridiculous, I am going to tone it down.  

Don't you think that would work?  Isn't that a good idea as far as how to set proper boundaries?

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, Janie7 said:

Don't you think that would work? 

Not with your plan to continue tickle-fights, no. 

You know your boyfriend would not like that. You know darn well you wouldn't do that in front of him. 

So stop. Completely. 

 

[poppyfields]

24 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Not with your plan to continue tickle-fights, no. 

You know your boyfriend would not like that. You know darn well you wouldn't do that in front of him. 

So stop. Completely. 

 

She won't, she is literally addicted to the validation, she grew up with it, it's in her pores.

My only advice Janie is exit your relationship as quickly and gracefully as possible.

With your current mindset and need for validation, you are no where close to being ready to commit yourself to a relationship or marriage.

Not judging you for it, just OWN it, it's not fair to your boyfriend or any other man you get seriously romantically involved with. 

To add, your mindset surrounding flirting, flaunting your sexuality, tickle fights with male "friends," etc while in a serious committed relationship is in complete contradiction with Christian values re no sex before marriage.

It's a complete mind fukk at most, at the least, it's a tease. 

No wonder you don't want to talk to your pastor about it. .

 

 

 

 

Edited July 11, 2021 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Janie7 said:

Isn't that a good idea as far as how to set proper boundaries?

How do you set proper boundaries?

You stop living together, messing around with others and get legally married in your church and take vows to each other.

Right now he has zero commitment to you and you apparently have zero commitment to him.

So you are nothing more than roommates with naked cuddling benefits. 

[Janie7]

48 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

She won't, she is literally addicted to the validation, she grew up with it, it's in her pores.

My only advice Janie is exit your relationship as quickly and gracefully as possible.

With your current mindset and need for validation, you are no where close to being ready to commit yourself to a relationship or marriage.

Not judging you for it, just OWN it, it's not fair to your boyfriend or any other man you get seriously romantically involved with. 

To add, your mindset surrounding flirting, flaunting your sexuality, tickle fights with male "friends," etc while in a serious committed relationship is in complete contradiction with Christian values re no sex before marriage.

It's a complete mind fukk at most, at the least, it's a tease. 

No wonder you don't want to talk to your pastor about it. .

Well, I think there is room for different opinions here.  I know for the older generations, and for guys in general, they think that it is the woman's responsibility to be 'pure' and 'proper'.  They say they should not 'tempt' men and they often bring up that verse about not causing a man to lust.  My dad and my bf and grandma think like that.  

But some of us younger people think that view is a bit outdated and misogynist.  Especially after the #metoo movement.  You know, not too long ago if a woman exposed her ankle she could be arrested for indecent exposure!  And a v-neck blouse was considered 'unchristian' just a few decades ago!  But times change, and some of we younger women do not think that it is our responsibility to worry about men's "lusting".  Guys are going to lust no matter what we do, and I'm not sure it's proper to try and tell us how to act or what to wear.

Also, to say it is a 'mind f*ck' or that we're being a 'tease' reveals a certain misogynist pov that I think is totally inappropriate.  Think about what you are saying.  Just because we are flirting a little bit or wearing feminine outfits, that does not mean we want to have sex, and guys shouldn't be thinking that.  Just because I might want to show off my legs or my breasts, if that's what makes me feel comfortable, that doesn't mean I want to have sex with you.  Why do guys think like that?  It is not unchristian to be feminine or to be friendly.  It's unchristian for guys to accuse women of being a 'tease' just because it should be assumed that they are looking for sex when all they are doing is expressing their femininity, or being playful in a girly way.

And this would especially apply with a guy you know really really well, like Tony. I am not 'teasing' him when I'm playing with him because he very aware that I'm not interested in sex, and he also knows that I know he is not either, so it is just all in good fun and I have to disagree that it is in contradiction with Christian values.

It is not christian to have sex outside of marriage, that is clearly a sin and goes against the Bible, but a little flirting is not a sin, and nowhere in the Bible does it say that.  It is what is in your heart.  If you are just playing and having fun, it is not a sin, but if in your heart you are flirting or showing off your body in order to actually 'get some', if that is your honest intention, then that is indeed a sin and is not with Christian values.

That is honestly how I see it, but I can understand if you're an older man, or just very old-fashioned or extremely conservative, why you might disagree.  It was a different time when you were growing up.  We can disagree in how we interpret 'Christian values' but still agree on basic doctrine and acknowledge our shared faith.  There is nothing wrong with some disagreement in the Church, as long as we all understand that Christ is the way to true salvation.

But thank you for your honest pov.