Boyfriend becoming petty and jealous since we started living together

July 10, 2021

1 hour ago, Janie7 said:

Yes, smackie I understand. My bf and I do have an amazing connection and he really is my bff, but the problem is that he works a lot of hours and Tony is... well... here.

oh my goodness....that's pretty bad. You are not getting it. I'll have to chalk this up to you being 20 years old with a lot to learn about life. I hope tings work out for you in some way.

July 10, 2021

Hot chicks will always find guys to put up with their shenanigans even if that’s all they’ve got to offer.

July 10, 2021

Janie, you've received a ton of criticism but your boyfriend is no prize either.

You said he 'chose' you because you are a "beautiful virgin"? Ugh.

This would suggest he is fantasy driven and once he "devirginzes" you, it's quite possible, even likely, he won't find you quite so enthralling or appealing anymore.

He is also tolerating an enormous amount of BS from you (sorry) to maintain this fantasy, which is a huge red flag.

Something to be aware of especially given his propensity to be controlling and jealous.

He may be successful business wise, but he sounds insecure.

I would suggest you speak with your pastor, individually and together, re "no sex before marriage" because since you are cuddling and fondling each other naked in bed, among other enticing behaviors, leaving him with blue balls and needing to masturbate, this rule seems hypocritical and somewhat of a joke.

It defeats the entire meaning of the rule! Like what's the point of it? Since you're naked fondling each other and he's masturbating? Why not just complete the act? Makes no sense.

I am also wondering how strict this rule is; I know two devout Christian couples who are living together and sexual. They are getting married soon by their pastor with his blessing.

My own dad, who was a devout Catholic, had sex with his new wife (my stepmom) prior to marriage.

This rule makes absolutely zero sense and may actually be detrimental to a marriage imo for reasons stated above.

Be careful and stay aware.

Edited July 10, 2021 by poppyfields

July 10, 2021

31 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

your boyfriend is no prize either.

Agree. If he's so pious, why won't he marry you?

July 10, 2021

51 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

You said he 'chose' you because you are a "beautiful virgin"? Ugh.

Really glad somebody else picked up on this. You said you started dating only because you thought it was hard finding people who wanted to wait until marriage to have sex. That is, sincerely, one of the worst possible reasons to date somebody, and your boyfriend's comment about how hard it is to find "beautiful virgins" is creepy to the core. It sounds like he's fetishizing your virginity, which is just gross.

You need to end this relationship and start dating people you actually like and want to be with. You need someone with shared values (and I mean real values, not this whole "no sex before marriage" thing, which your current boyfriend doesn't actually value), interests, and principles.

July 10, 2021

I’m thinking they’re both going to get exactly what they’re asking for.

July 10, 2021

OP, you have a lot of growing up to do and you are nowhere near mature enough or ready to be living with someone, let alone getting married anytime soon. You need to move out, break up with this guy and take a couple of years to just grow up. You are so oblivious to how utterly dysfunctional your relationship is. The fact that your bf is willing to put up with all this from you is a huge red flag.... I'm not sure where his judgment is. Getting married would be a massive mistake and it's likely to blow up in your face.

July 11, 2021

My thoughts are that moving in with him without having sex was a very bad idea. It was bound to make him more frustrated, even though you 'both agreed'.

You sound very naive, well you are a lot younger than your boyfriend. He is at the wanting to settle down with a reliable woman stage and you are at the stage of expanding your life and friendships.

From your boyfriend's point of view, you are at home, having fun with friends and a guy he knows you have a close relationship with, at your boyfriend's expense. You do not appear to be paying the bills. He is bound to feel frustrated with this whole situation. You are the child and he is the adult.

I don't think there is anything wrong about an agreement that you will live together without sex, if that's what you both want. It sounds like he agreed to it but it's not actually what he wants. It is difficult too. In fact, it sounds very unrealistic and ill-thought-out to me.

Yes, your boyfriend sounds controlling and he is clearly monitoring you. He does not trust you. He has got himself into this situation because he wanted to marry a virgin but now he is finding out how hard it is to cope with the consequences of living as married without the whole deal.

I think this will only end in tears. You seem very attached to your friend and your boyfriend probably feels you are becoming distant from him, hence his controlling behaviour is surfacing and he is becoming petty. He feels badly treated and feels as though he is missing out on your time and affection while you entertain your guy friend in the jacuzzi. This is clearly going to lead to tensions and if you can't see that, then you are very naive.

Do you want to continue with your boyfriend? If so, I would suggest moving out and keeping the relationship platonic without the temptation for him of having you in bed next to him. Also, he would not have the same kind of resentment of keeping you in house and home while you 'play' and he works. Realistically, though, I don't think that would work either. I sense the relationship is on the way out because your boyfriend is irritated with the way it is and you have not mentioned any point at which you will be getting married. Do you actually want to marry him?

How long are you planning to wait to get married? If it is not going to be very soon, then I doubt the relationship will last. It will end because there will be some clash or blow-up over present frustrations. Your boyfriend seems to have all the responsibility of marriage without the fun side of it. Why do you think it is realistic to expect that of him?

Edited July 11, 2021 by spiderowl

July 11, 2021

11 hours ago, Janie7 said:

Also, I don't really invite Tony, he just always shows up, lol. All my friends who live close by do this. I know...

Your friends show up because you've given them no boundaries. What are you planning to do about this now?

If your parents were strict, I'm assuming they taught you about respecting other people's property and money. Why did you feel it was OK to behave so badly?

You say that your boyfriend doesn't want you to work. Have you considered the dire impact this will have on your employability should you break up? You will be utterly unemployable. It's hard enough for a mom to return to work after having time off to raise kids, but it's nigh near impossible to find someone who will employ a person who's been out of the workforce for no good reason.

July 11, 2021

If you can't keep "Tony" away, then you aren't ready to be in a relationship. You need to quit, go out on your own (as someone else said) and grow up. You need more life experience. You need perhaps some workshops on relationships. You need to build friendships learn to say no to people.

You say you guys are conservative Christians who are committed to virginity before marriage. If that's the case, then it was a spectacularly dumb decision for you guys to live together. Incredibly dumb. Sorta like me hanging out regularly with crack addicts and then suddenly complaining that they are tempting me to use drugs.

You don't physically live with people you don't want to have sex with.

Edited July 11, 2021 by Lotsgoingon

July 11, 2021

9 hours ago, mark clemson said:

I feel like there's a lot of "judging" a 20 year old in this thread for not acting like a responsible, married adult. To be fair, she's apparently signed up for a future marriage, but nonetheless. It's not particularly realistic IMO to ask someone of this age to curtail their social life overmuch and fall into line with "boundaries". Particularly a pretty and sociable young woman.

To suggest that it's not realistic to believe a 20yo woman is capable of understanding boundaries is highly offensive. Even more so, that you think that a 'pretty and sociable' young woman is less likely to be a well functioning young adult.

I moved out of home at 17, was always respectful of my room mates and their space. I was working and saving money - acting like a responsible adult. My daughter is doing tertiary education and lives with us and we cover her food and board.... but she has been working was paying for all her non essential items since she was 16, and paying for all her stuff since she was about 19 . She's also saved an astounding amount of money. Sure, she loves a social life, but still very much understands boundaries, as do her friends.

If we write off young adults as not capable of adulting, they will meet our expectations of failure.

Edited July 11, 2021 by basil67

July 11, 2021

Since when has getting blind drunk or experimenting with drugs and fooling around with your best friend been a part of a strong Christian faith and culture?

July 11, 2021

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

To suggest that it's not realistic to believe a 20yo woman is capable of understanding boundaries is highly offensive. ... If we write off young adults as not capable of adulting, they will meet our expectations of failure.

LOL, well sorry that what is IMO common sense offends you. Some people are more naturally inclined towards "boundaries" than others, and people's brains and decision-making abilities don't fully develop until 25. That goes for men and women. She knows she shouldn't screw around on her BF, but she's obviously not clear on the hanging with her former make out friend and hot tub parties. And I DON'T think she should be prevented from having those experiences either, not at the age of 20.

I'm happy your daughter is content to play it safe, etc, but reality is not everyone is like that. And your daughter MIGHT be engaging in all sorts of risk-taking behind your back that you're not even aware of. I have no reason to think that's true, but it's well recognized that parents tend to only see the best in their kids. KPC - "keeping parents clueless" is internet slang in case you weren't aware.

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Even more so, that you think that a 'pretty and sociable' young woman is less likely to be a well functioning young adult.

Now you're just putting words in my mouth that aren't there. I think some free-spirited behavior and experimentation are NORMAL for a person her age, of either sex. Nor did I anywhere imply she wasn't capable of taking care of herself in an appropriate manner.. You seem to be trying to make me out as both sexist and ageist. Thanks for that.

Since we're playing the misinterpretation game, I guess you are in favor of 20 years old women being "kept in line" by 28 year old men? I find it highly offensive that you seem to be a big fan of abusive and controlling relationships. You WANT this BF to keep monitoring her, having the neighbor watch her, acting frustrated with her, demanding sex, etc, right? Young women who don't understand boundaries need to be kept in line, by force, by the man of the house, is that it? Maybe he can just chain her up in the basement, amirite?

Sheesh.

July 11, 2021

@mark clemson to be fair, your words do sound sexist and ageist. You said "It's not particularly realistic IMO to ask someone of this age to curtail their social life overmuch and fall into line with "boundaries". I think it's completely realistic. How old were your grandparents/great grandparents when they made their own homes and families? Mine were generally between about 18 and 22. Many of them upped and moved continents at that age, with babies in tow.

Yes, some young people will make poor choices, but it's good parenting (and good community and education) is about expecting high standards of behaviour of our young people. Young people can and work, study, play and have fun while being respectful of those who they live with and the communities they reside in. If we don't expect it, we will never achieve it.

I did not put words in your mouth about pretty and sociable women. You said "Particularly a pretty and sociable young woman" Your use of the word 'particularly' means that you imagine sillier behaviour is not uncommon for attractive young women as opposed to young men and women who are less attractive or less sociable. Of those who won't behave as an adult, I don't believe that gender or appearance has any bearing in those decisions.

I don't see abuse and control by the BF. I see a guy who's home is being treated like a frat house, who's money was being spent without care and is understandably frustrated and trying to find out what's been going on and put a lid on it. The biggest issue I see is him not expecting her to have a job....but they are from a highly conservative background, so it's likely normal in their culture.

As for my daughter, she overshares. Yes, she makes choices I don't necessarily agree with, yet is still mature, hard working and respectful of others. (But she's off topic, so I will leave discussion of her at this point)

July 11, 2021

^^ I think the ageism and sexism are all in your head.

Yes, he shouldn't be volunteering to have his home treated like a frathouse. Frathouse lifestyles occur at a certain age (ie, 20, which is exactly the age OP is) and then tend to turn into "adulting" once folks are done with school. If he's really needs to date a college kid, he should frankly not be surprised at any of this. Her having her friends hang out with her is (drumroll) normal. If there's a hottub there to be sat in, all the better.

At any rate, the bottom line is that I think one day Janie here is going to wake up and realize this whole thing has been a big mistake. Not sure if it will be in 2 months or 20 years, but I strongly suspect it'll happen eventually. I'd put money on it.

July 11, 2021

5 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

OP, you have a lot of growing up to do and you are nowhere near mature enough or ready to be living with someone, let alone getting married anytime soon.

I was about to say exactly this. You have a whole lot of growing up to do before you are ready for a serious relationship. That is very evident based on what you have written here.

July 11, 2021

25 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Yes, he shouldn't be volunteering to have his home treated like a frathouse. Frathouse lifestyles occur at a certain age (ie, 20, which is exactly the age OP is) and then tend to turn into "adulting" once folks are done with school

Yes, I do know uni students who are the age of the OP who live the frathouse lifestyle. The difference is that they got jobs and moved into a 'party house' where they can live as they please without disrespecting room mates, partners or parents. Before they moved out, there would be the occasional party at someone's parent's house (mine included) but they were respectful enough to not abuse the privilege.

If one chooses to live in someone else's house and be fully supported, they should respect their house rules as the kids in my example above did. If one doesn't like the house rules, they should get a job and move out. The OP should get a job and move out. On the last sentence, I think we agree.

Edited July 11, 2021 by basil67

July 11, 2021

Look, I can appreciate why some of you are saying that I should just move out and end my relationship with my bf. But I'm not going to do that. I love him! I came here to get advice on how to work things out with him, not for advice on leaving him. We are very much in love and we both want to work things out. I think it would be premature to end it at this point, just because we're having some issues that really are quite understandable, as everyone here says.

I came here to see if his recent b****ing was just because of his sexual frustration, and I think what most of you are saying is that it is not just that. And I see that now and realize I have been part of the problem. I need to respect the money more, and I need to tone it down with Tony. And perhaps at some point I should eventually move out, since the no sex while living together seems to be a bad idea, again as most people here suggested. I am going to make efforts to make this relationship work.

I can also understand why some of you think my bf might be too controlling. But honestly he usually isn't that bad. Sometimes he gets jealous when some guy is looking at me, and he will sometimes complain about my wardrobe, but this is natural and I know lots of guys who do this. I think some jealousy, and even wanting to control your partner at least to some extent, is perfectly normal. He does have a bad temper sometimes, but he will get it under control.

12 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Then make it stop working out that way. If you must hang out with Tony one on one, do it in public with more clothes on & less alcohol. Also do it more infrequently. Out of respect for your BF who you love so much, add other people into the mix when you see Tony. Appearances do matter so make your encounters with Tony look a lot less like dates.

Yes, donnivain, I do understand this now. Because Tony and I are so close, sometimes we forget how we might look to outsiders who don't know us that well. Some of my friends have even asked me if I'm sure that we are only friends. We get a little too touchy-feely sometimes, but we don't mean anything by it. It's just that we feel so comfortable with each other that sometimes we forget what others might think.

I think a lot of the problem is just that because I know Tony so well and we are such good friends that I know I can trust him, so I'll do things with him that I would never do with any of my other guy friends. With any of my other friends, I would not feel comfortable with them touching me at all, because it doesn't stop and eventually they do something inappropriate. But I know Tony would never do that, so we will play fight and tickle fight like there's nothing to it. And not once has he ever acted inappropriately. I will even give him back rubs and sit in his lap, that is how much I trust him. But again, we would have to be stupid to not think that an outsider might think there is something more going on, so it's only appropriate that we tone it down a bit. I understand this now, and I will talk to Tony about it tomorrow and make sure he understands it too. I know he respects my relationship with my bf and only wishes us the best, so this should not be a problem at all. I know that he would not want to do anything that would come between my bf and I. Plus, he is in a relationship as well, and I also respect that and also do not want to do anything that would mess up their relationship either.

12 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

I disagree on To y given how and when they met. If they met at college I would agree. When younger and you get along and might try bf-gf but realizes it just does not work. They were in relationship training wheels as tennis.

Thank you, Ami, that is how I see it too. Tony and I were such good friends that naturally we eventually decided to see if maybe we could take our relationship to the next level, but we found that we are simply not compatible for romance. I'm even glad we experimented because it showed me that my feelings for him were definitely that of a friend and not a lover. So we reverted to being friends and now we don't have to wonder about it anymore, and I think our friendship has grown even stronger as a result.

And your metaphor cracked me up, 'relationship training wheels', lol. I like that.

July 11, 2021

28 minutes ago, Janie7 said:

I think some jealousy, and even wanting to control your partner at least to some extent, is perfectly normal.

No, not normal. Or, at least...not acceptable.

The tricky thing will be figuring out which parts of his behaviour is setting reasonable boundaries and which bits are controlling. For instance, not frittering away his money and not treating his home like a frat house are boundaries. Telling you what you can wear is control, likewise, if he was insistent that you not work, this is also control.

July 11, 2021

45 minutes ago, Janie7 said:

I think some jealousy, and even wanting to control your partner at least to some extent, is perfectly normal.

Where did you get this idea?

July 11, 2021

41 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Where did you get this idea?

Because all human beings get jealous and possessive sometimes. It's human nature.

July 11, 2021

1 hour ago, Janie7 said:

I think some jealousy, and even wanting to control your partner at least to some extent

The bolded is not "human nature."

It is you attempting to normalize bad behaviour, and it is your inherent inexperience speaking. It is rather sad that you believe this is perfectly normal. It is not, in my experience.

The reality is that your relationship is so chaotic and has so much dysfunction that is unlikely to last a lifetime. You and your boyfriend both have some alarming ideas on how relationships work, and what love looks like. There is little mutual respect, little maturity, and little emotional intelligence - on both sides. That is not meant to be a shot at you, as I was not a great partner to my then-boyfriend at your age either. I was more interested in having fun, and I didn't always consider his feelings and didn't take our relationship as seriously as he did. I see that in your posts, too. However, I came to understand that my behaviour meant I was not ready to settle down and commit to one man yet. So I ended it.

At 20, you have the world at your fingertips. You have a lot to learn. Marriage? I wouldn't bother yet. It would almost surely go very poorly.

July 11, 2021

57 minutes ago, basil67 said:

No, not normal. Or, at least...not acceptable.

The tricky thing will be figuring out which parts of his behaviour is setting reasonable boundaries and which bits are controlling. For instance, not frittering away his money and not treating his home like a frat house are boundaries. Telling you what you can wear is control, likewise, if he was insistent that you not work, this is also control.

Yeah I can see what you mean on the work thing. Him controlling the money does mean he ultimately has like almost complete control over me. A person cannot survive without money and if he cut me off I don't know what I'd do. I'd probably have to drop out if college, or else go into mega debt just to get my degree as many of my friends have done. One friend of mind owes like $100,000! That is a lot of money!

But as far as telling me what to wear, I'm not sure that is really him trying to control me. I do prefer wearing more revealing outfits and any man would probably do the same thing in his shoes. I know lots of guys and girls who argue about this, on both sides, so I know it is natural. I mean, how often do we women try and tell our men what to wear, lol ? I even remember my dad and mom arguing about this a few times growing up. So I do understand him on this and do not think that part of him is "controlling" even tho I am not necessarily always going to agree with him.

I am a little confused, however, with what you said about 'boundaries', because to me 'boundaries' are basically a form of control. Because don't boundaries stop a person from doing what they want, which means controlling them?

July 11, 2021

2 minutes ago, Janie7 said:

Yeah I can see what you mean on the work thing. Him controlling the money does mean he ultimately has like almost complete control over me. A person cannot survive without money and if he cut me off I don't know what I'd do. I'd probably have to drop out if college, or else go into mega debt just to get my degree as many of my friends have done. One friend of mind owes like $100,000! That is a lot of money!

But as far as telling me what to wear, I'm not sure that is really him trying to control me. I do prefer wearing more revealing outfits and any man would probably do the same thing in his shoes. I know lots of guys and girls who argue about this, on both sides, so I know it is natural. I mean, how often do we women try and tell our men what to wear, lol ? I even remember my dad and mom arguing about this a few times growing up. So I do understand him on this and do not think that part of him is "controlling" even tho I am not necessarily always going to agree with him.

I am a little confused, however, with what you said about 'boundaries', because to me 'boundaries' are basically a form of control. Because don't boundaries stop a person from doing what they want, which means controlling them?

It's bizarre that you are dating this long, he claims to be so religious, but he refuses to marry you and instead treats you like a sugar baby.

As long as you're just the live in GF and not married none of his money is yours.

Is this a mainstream church?

July 11, 2021

8 minutes ago, Janie7 said:

I do prefer wearing more revealing outfits and any man would probably do the same thing in his shoes. I know lots of guys and girls who argue about this, on both sides, so I know it is natural. I mean, how often do we women try and tell our men what to wear, lol ? I even remember my dad and mom arguing about this a few times growing up.

It sounds like you are surrounded by dysfunction.

It's no wonder you think this is natural.

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