Boyfriend becoming petty and jealous since we started living together

[BaileyB]

Another who thinks that you can not live with a man if you are not having sex. 

I do believe that it’s possible to have male friends. But, I also believe that you need to boundaries with that relationship that allow your partner to feel safe. You don’t have that if you are in inviting this man to your home, particularly if you are alone.

Otherwise, I would be very careful here about the “mean” things he says to you and the controlling and disrespectful way that he talks to you. These are red flags, be very careful here. 

Edited July 9, 2021 by BaileyB

[Alpacalia]

11 hours ago, Janie7 said:

Sorry, but I'm afraid there's been some misconceptions about my situation here.

My bf offered to support me while I go to school.  And yes, I have a work ethic, but right now I want to concentrate on my studies.  Plus, my bf and I are planning on getting married.  I'm really not sure why I'm being accused of 'riding the gravy train' here.

And not having sex was something my bf agreed to from the beginning.  We are both very conservative christians and not having sex outside of marriage is something we BOTH strongly believe in.  

I also think it's 'normal' for him to now have 'changed his mind' and now want to have sex.  But I don't think it's right to take out your frustrations on your SO.  If the situation is making him uncomfortable I will move out.  But he says he doesn't want me to.  So I'm not sure what to do.

I know one thing for sure, tho.  Even tho I love my bf with all my heart, I'm not going to have sex with him before we are married because it goes against my faith and God's teachings.  And it also goes against his as well.

My position is that I can either move out, or I can stay, but that does not give him the right to 'lash out' at me just because I am sticking with the vows we both believe in.

He offered to financially support you so that you may focus on your studies.

I know you say it's only a few classmates around for drinks, but he doesn't see it that way.

He feels unloved and disrespected.

I don't believe it's a single incident, but rather a series of incidents that have been building for some time and are finally coming to a head.

Does it give him the "right" to lash out at you? Not in the least.

Rather than establishing certain boundaries, he is facilitating your living arrangements.

Take into account that finances have recently been in excess. What exactly does he pay for? Being in a financially reliant relationship is not a good idea.

Do you believe he's using "paying the bill" to pressure you to do something you don't want to do?

 

[smackie9]

 

Don't marry this guy....yet. You both definitely need pre-marriage counseling and a lot of it. Obviously you both don't communicate properly. His sexual frustration is no bloody excuse for his passive aggressive/possessive behavior. It's childish and immature to act like that. He should be discussing his feelings about everything with you, and the both of you work on it together until it's resolved.

The jealousy thing is because he now sees how you spend your time with your friends. You need to tone it down. When you marry, and commit to a partner for life, your need to make changes to your lifestyle. Got to get rid of that college student mentality. I tell you this, marriage ain't no rainbows and unicorns. It's a lot of hard work and adjustment and the only way to get through it is through communication. Now go back to him and talk, and keep talking.

Edited July 9, 2021 by smackie9

[notbroken]

You are 20 year old college student and he is 28 and working.  I'm sorry, but that has some built in incompatibilities that you are unlikely to get over - like partying in the afternoon in his hot tub with other guys while he is at work which obviously results in some resentments and insecurities (it would for anyone).   I can't imagine sleeping with a woman long term without sex.  That is the very definition of frustration for a man.   No wonder he is cranky.   Do him and yourself a favor and end this.   Good luck. 

   

[Miss Spider]

Xxx

Edited July 9, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[mark clemson]

Let's take the no sex out of the equation for a minute. That may indeed very likely be a causal factor here, but nonetheless:

- He's having a neighbor keep an eye on you

- He's calling to "monitor" you

- His body language indicates resentment and jealousy

- He clearly feels threatened by your friends

 

Does this sound like a healthy relationship/situation to you?

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, Janie7 said:

My bf offered to support me while I go to school. 

Move back in with your parents. They can support you without pressuring you for sex or abusing you.

You claim he's such a pious man, but good men don't treat women like prostitutes expecting sex for supporting you.

 It's fine if you don't want sex before marriage, but how is 'living in sin" any better? Or accepting money for that? 

This is the classic wolf in sheep's clothing situation.

Edited July 9, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Janie7]

Thanks for all of your replies.  It has helped me to see the situation from a lot of different perspectives.  Obviously my bf and I have a lot to talk about, but the opinions here will definitely help me to approach the conservation with a more open mind.

It seems that there is a general consensus here on  3 things, 2 of which now do make a lot of sense to me, but one of which I'm still not sure about.

1)  It's probably not a good idea to live together and not have sex, and this is probably why is attitude has been so crappy lately.

I can now see why this is probably true, especially now that I've experienced it firsthand.  I'm going to at least suggest to my bf that maybe we should live apart, at least for now.  However, I'm not really sure where I could stay right now.  Also, if my bf doesn't agree, I am willing to keep trying as long as he works on his attitude as well.

However, I don't think it was 'crazy' to try this, as some suggested.  I mean, we have never had sex before and we have cuddled naked many times, and this never seemed to be an issue until we started sleeping together.  I think the problem is that he used to 'relieve' himself afterwards, but now he can't do that because I don't like him masturbating in front of me. 

2)  I should be more respectful of the fact that he is paying all the bills.

I thought a lot about this and I now realize that you guys are right. My spending is totally out of control and I can see why he might be frustrated about that, even if we were having sex. For example, last week I went shoe shopping and spent over $1000.  I've also spent thousands on clothes and jewelry.  I assumed all this was ok because we have so much money, but now I realize that he's probably testing me to see if I can be responsible with our finances, and I've failed miserably.  I am definitely going to make efforts in this area and hopefull when he sees I'm making efforts, he'll trust me more.

3)  I should cut Tony out of my life.

This one I'm not so sure about.  Tony has been my bff since high school, and I honestly would not feel comfortable cutting him off like that.  IMHO I feel a relationship should be able to handle friends of the opposite sex.  So it would seem that I need to talk to him more about Tony, at least to the point where is understands that he is not a 'threat', which he isn't.  As it is, I haven't told him many details yet because his aggressive questioning made me defensive.  But when his mood seems to be better I might tell him a bit more about our shared history. 

I also think that a lot of his concern seems to revolve around my friends and I using the hot tub.  He's never liked it when I dress sexy because of all the attention I get, and I get the impression that he doesn't like even like a guy seeing me in a bikini, much less being in a hot tub together.  But this has always been a concern of his and so I'm not sure how big a factor it is in his complaining.  But he has asked me what I wear when I get in the hot tub with my friends (which I didn't feel comfortable answering directly), and so maybe this is at least a part of it.

At any rate, I'm going to have a long talk with him tonite about all of these issues, and I'll let you know how it goes.

Again, thx for all of your input.

 

 

 

 

[smackie9]

Well before you talk to him, spend some time putting yourself in his shoes. Think if you were earning the money and supporting him through school. And how would you feel him hanging out with a female friend, partying in the hot tub together. It kinda puts things into perspective. You don't have to cut off your friend, you need to adjust how you are around this friend, and how  you spend your time with him, for example limit texting, no one on one time, etc. The man in your life now should be your BFF, not this guy. it does take some adjustment. You are only just discovering some things need to change. I went through the same thing with my husband. Changing our habits, learning to share finances, chores, and just being together working as a team. It takes work but you can do it. Not going to happen over night I'll tel ya that...took me over a year to iron out everything.

Edited July 9, 2021 by smackie9

[Alfano]

It appears that most of the great advice you received went right over your head. 
 

 

[ShyViolet]

1 hour ago, Janie7 said:

However, I don't think it was 'crazy' to try this, as some suggested.  I mean, we have never had sex before and we have cuddled naked many times, and this never seemed to be an issue until we started sleeping together.  I think the problem is that he used to 'relieve' himself afterwards, but now he can't do that because I don't like him masturbating in front of me. 

 

So you're teasing the guy and leaving him frustrated and don't even see a problem with this?  Why are you even with the guy if you're so oblivious and inconsiderate of his feelings?  

[basil67]

I agree with the comment above - you can't just leave the guy to explode.

I doubt he was 'testing' you with finances. Rather, I think he assumed (incorrectly) that you'd be respectful in your use of his money.   My family is not poor, yet I've never spent the kind of money on clothes and jewellery which you're talking about.  I'm floored that you thought this was OK.

You don't have to cut Tony out, but you do need better boundaries. No 1:1 time and no private conversations.  

And no more having your friends at your partner's house to party unless he's agreed to it.  This is his home, not a frat house.  

Lastly, get a casual job.  Not only will it help your future employment, but will show your partner that you can be responsible. 

[IslandSanctuary]

I wouldn't be comfortable dating a woman with guy 'friends'. Work colleagues, casual aquaintances, ok, but friends she sees on the regular? No. My partner wouldn't be ok with me hanging out one on one with female friends either, and we discussed this early on in our relationship. Did your mother have guy friends she hung out with one on one? 

If your bf hung out with the same girl 3 days a week would that bother you? 

Do you know what constitutes an emotional affair and do you have good boundaries? "We are just friends" is often the biggest loads of crap. Read 'Not Just Friends' by doctor Shirley Glass. 

It divides opinion on here time and again - are opposite sex friendships ok when in a relationship? Many people think yes, many people think no. 

I think it's part of growing up. I hardly see any friends anymore. I work and spend time with my family, I'll maybe catch up with old guy mates of mine once a month. I'm not going to see some chick every week, hanging out one on one constitutes a date as far as I'm concerned - it's the same activity, one on one time with the opposite sex. Women that keep old bfs/crushes etc around do it for the attention and generally make poor gfs. 

The world isn't a eutopia and life isn't fair, I'm not describing what should be, I'm describing life as it is. As a younger man I wanted a relationship for the right reasons and I wanted a family of my own, I'd never persist in dating a woman that had guy mates and labelled me as jealous or controlling for it - it's quite common that people of both sexes have a problem with this. 

You can do whatever you want, but they don't HAVE to date you, either. 

20 years old, living together, no sex - very uncommon in this day and age. So he has to put up with your regular guy 'friend' and no sex? I'd be out of there. No way I'd stay with you. 

The problem is that your bf is a SIMP, he should have dumped you a long time ago. 
 

Edited July 10, 2021 by IslandSanctuary

[norealusername]

You don't have to cut tony off. Just don't have him over the house while your bf is at work. It just creates jealousy and mistrust even if it's platonic. 

[Trail Blazer]

5 hours ago, Janie7 said:

I mean, we have never had sex before and we have cuddled naked many times, and this never seemed to be an issue until we started sleeping together.  I think the problem is that he used to 'relieve' himself afterwards, but now he can't do that because I don't like him masturbating in front of me. 

Right.  So, where is your boyfriend "allowed" to relieve himself, then, if not in front of you?  At the risk of indulging in the ridiculousness of your rigidness, is he not able to do so in the bathroom?

5 hours ago, Janie7 said:

2)  I should be more respectful of the fact that he is paying all the bills.

I thought a lot about this and I now realize that you guys are right. My spending is totally out of control and I can see why he might be frustrated about that, even if we were having sex. For example, last week I went shoe shopping and spent over $1000.  I've also spent thousands on clothes and jewelry.  I assumed all this was ok because we have so much money

Not "we", he... it is he who has money.  You've  just been leaching from him.  Tell me again how you don't see yourself as entitled?  I'm glad that you have finally realize this.

6 hours ago, Janie7 said:

I also think that a lot of his concern seems to revolve around my friends and I using the hot tub.  He's never liked it when I dress sexy because of all the attention I get, and I get the impression that he doesn't like even like a guy seeing me in a bikini, much less being in a hot tub together.  But this has always been a concern of his and so I'm not sure how big a factor it is in his complaining. 

You come across as an entitled, self-absorbed princess.  You've even known this has been a problem of his for some time, yet you still go against what you know causes him to be unhappy about.

Just admit it, you love the attention.  It sounds like you enjoy having Tony around as an orbiter to inflate your ego and the rest of the college boys just for a few additional sets of tongues to set wagging.

As another poster said, you're using your boyfriend's home to host daytime frat parties.  I have no idea why he puts up with it, but I dare say he never envisioned being taken advatage of to such degree by a young woman who claims to have such strong faith.

 

[Ami1uwant]

7 hours ago, Janie7 said:

Thanks for all of your replies.  It has helped me to see the situation from a lot of different perspectives.  Obviously my bf and I have a lot to talk about, but the opinions here will definitely help me to approach the conservation with a more open mind.

It seems that there is a general consensus here on  3 things, 2 of which now do make a lot of sense to me, but one of which I'm still not sure about.

1)  It's probably not a good idea to live together and not have sex, and this is probably why is attitude has been so crappy lately.

I can now see why this is probably true, especially now that I've experienced it firsthand.  I'm going to at least suggest to my bf that maybe we should live apart, at least for now.  However, I'm not really sure where I could stay right now.  Also, if my bf doesn't agree, I am willing to keep trying as long as he works on his attitude as well.

However, I don't think it was 'crazy' to try this, as some suggested.  I mean, we have never had sex before and we have cuddled naked many times, and this never seemed to be an issue until we started sleeping together.  I think the problem is that he used to 'relieve' himself afterwards, but now he can't do that because I don't like him masturbating in front of me. 

2)  I should be more respectful of the fact that he is paying all the bills.

I thought a lot about this and I now realize that you guys are right. My spending is totally out of control and I can see why he might be frustrated about that, even if we were having sex. For example, last week I went shoe shopping and spent over $1000.  I've also spent thousands on clothes and jewelry.  I assumed all this was ok because we have so much money, but now I realize that he's probably testing me to see if I can be responsible with our finances, and I've failed miserably.  I am definitely going to make efforts in this area and hopefull when he sees I'm making efforts, he'll trust me more.

3)  I should cut Tony out of my life.

This one I'm not so sure about.  Tony has been my bff since high school, and I honestly would not feel comfortable cutting him off like that.  IMHO I feel a relationship should be able to handle friends of the opposite sex.  So it would seem that I need to talk to him more about Tony, at least to the point where is understands that he is not a 'threat', which he isn't.  As it is, I haven't told him many details yet because his aggressive questioning made me defensive.  But when his mood seems to be better I might tell him a bit more about our shared history. 

I also think that a lot of his concern seems to revolve around my friends and I using the hot tub.  He's never liked it when I dress sexy because of all the attention I get, and I get the impression that he doesn't like even like a guy seeing me in a bikini, much less being in a hot tub together.  But this has always been a concern of his and so I'm not sure how big a factor it is in his complaining.  But he has asked me what I wear when I get in the hot tub with my friends (which I didn't feel comfortable answering directly), and so maybe this is at least a part of it.

At any rate, I'm going to have a long talk with him tonite about all of these issues, and I'll let you know how it goes.

Again, thx for all of your input.

 

 

 

 

My two cents…..

 

I don’t believe he is a virgin.  He said what fit with you to attract you
 

lf you guys are attracted to each other and wait for marriage…if you are living together there is two much temptation seeing each other all day. This builds sexual tension.  As for waiting for marriage…sex is a big part of a healthy relationship.  If you have sexual incompatibility the marriage WILL end in divorce.

 

you should not lose a best friend over this.  I  understand if he has a negaruve influence on you coukd be a valid reason such as drinking heavily, doing drugs, or some other problems.  I think he is very insecure about something like if he feels you are a 10 and he’s a 6 he fears he’ll lose you. He probably also is fearful because you guys are at different points in life.  He’s working and wanting to get married while you after college might want to explore some before you want to get married.

your situation is a little different…he’s working and earning money and paying the bills and I’m assuming you aren’t earning money.  Finances can stress a relationship.  He might be living pay check to paycheck.  Now he is paying residual on you for extra food and other things.  If he’s more cost conscious and you aren’t he’s concerned or if he bought food thsts going to your friends regularly it’s also straining finances.  If he feels you aren’t doing your fair share of house chores coukd add strain as coukd if you have different styles like he’s a neat freak and you are messy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Ami1uwant]

5 hours ago, IslandSanctuary said:

I wouldn't be comfortable dating a woman with guy 'friends'. Work colleagues, casual aquaintances, ok, but friends she sees on the regular? No. My partner wouldn't be ok with me hanging out one on one with female friends either, and we discussed this early on in our relationship. Did your mother have guy friends she hung out with one on one? 

If your bf hung out with the same girl 3 days a week would that bother you? 

Do you know what constitutes an emotional affair and do you have good boundaries? "We are just friends" is often the biggest loads of crap. Read 'Not Just Friends' by doctor Shirley Glass. 

It divides opinion on here time and again - are opposite sex friendships ok when in a relationship? Many people think yes, many people think no. 

I think it's part of growing up. I hardly see any friends anymore. I work and spend time with my family, I'll maybe catch up with old guy mates of mine once a month. I'm not going to see some chick every week, hanging out one on one constitutes a date as far as I'm concerned - it's the same activity, one on one time with the opposite sex. Women that keep old bfs/crushes etc around do it for the attention and generally make poor gfs. 

The world isn't a eutopia and life isn't fair, I'm not describing what should be, I'm describing life as it is. As a younger man I wanted a relationship for the right reasons and I wanted a family of my own, I'd never persist in dating a woman that had guy mates and labelled me as jealous or controlling for it - it's quite common that people of both sexes have a problem with this. 

You can do whatever you want, but they don't HAVE to date you, either. 

20 years old, living together, no sex - very uncommon in this day and age. So he has to put up with your regular guy 'friend' and no sex? I'd be out of there. No way I'd stay with you. 

The problem is that your bf is a SIMP, he should have dumped you a long time ago. 
 

I disagree on men and women can’t be just friends. To y relationship is likely very different than other male friends.

 

first off…ifthey became friends at a young age they are likely more like brother-sister than relationship.

second….sometimes people do realize there are major differences that a loving relationship won’t work but friends does. Living styles are different, different religion, difference on kids, differences on long term dreams, contrasting living styles.

 

[glows]

The situation couldn't be worse in your favour. I don't know how anyone in your religious community, elders or parents could have condoned this or allowed this to happen. Your friends don't count. It sounds like they're enjoying the perks of you having a rich boyfriend. Did no friend at all pull you aside and tell you something might be wrong?

My guess is he was looking for someone very young and naive just like you to fit this role but things didn't go to plan when Tony started showing up and you didn't play the prototype wife. Instead of caving in to sex, you started inviting friends, male friends no less, over to his house. Of course he is annoyed with you. I don't think he ever respected you the moment you agreed to move in. If he wants you to stay he's talking with his mind between his legs. He may have a thing or fetish for virgins given his comments about you and yes, it's likely a controlling streak.

I'm curious where are your parents in all this and do you have their support if you move out?

[Janie7]

9 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

So you're teasing the guy and leaving him frustrated and don't even see a problem with this?  Why are you even with the guy if you're so oblivious and inconsiderate of his feelings?  

 

9 hours ago, basil67 said:

I agree with the comment above - you can't just leave the guy to explode.

Well, let me just say that I really love my bf and would never do anything to intentionally torment him.  I do not mind if he masturbates at all.  If he's feeling uncomfortable or is going to 'explode' as you put it, he can excuse himself and go relieve himself if needed.  I would be very understanding of that. 

9 hours ago, basil67 said:

I doubt he was 'testing' you with finances. Rather, I think he assumed (incorrectly) that you'd be respectful in your use of his money.   My family is not poor, yet I've never spent the kind of money on clothes and jewellery which you're talking about.  I'm floored that you thought this was OK.

 Well, he told me that he was seeing if I could handle money responsibly.  But you are right.  My spending was really out of control.  I'm trying to learn to stay on a budget.  But it's so hard!

10 hours ago, basil67 said:

You don't have to cut Tony out, but you do need better boundaries. No 1:1 time and no private conversations.  

Yes, I understand.  The problem is that Tony has more free time that most of my friends so sometimes he's the first one to come over and often the last one to leave, so sometimes we will be alone and will talk a lot about things.  We are so close now that it just comes natural to talk and even to flirt a bit.  But I know how this could look to an outsider who doesn't know our close of friends we are, so I'm trying to really cut back on the time I'm here alone with Tony, especially now that he's in a relationship.  I don't know his gf, I never met her, I guess it's kind of a fwb, but at any rate I'm also trying to his relationship as well.

Looking back, I can see why his neighbor would probably think something, not knowing what is really going on. He's very nosy.  Being alone with a guy in a hot tub is probably going to trigger a nosy neighbor, I mean anyone would probably think something is going on, but in reality there is nothing but a long and close friendship. 

9 hours ago, norealusername said:

You don't have to cut tony off. Just don't have him over the house while your bf is at work. It just creates jealousy and mistrust even if it's platonic. 

Yes, I understand. I have tried to put myself in my bf's shoes and I would also be jealous if he spent a lot of time alone with a girl who he's very close with. That's why I'm going to try and cut back on the alone time with Tony, just so to not give a wrong impression. Tony and I tested the waters back in high school, but we both determined that we are better suited as friends, and so we have kept it that way.  He is just a close friend who's been there for me when I need a friend to talk to.  I know this, and Tony knows this. 

5 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

Right.  So, where is your boyfriend "allowed" to relieve himself, then, if not in front of you?  At the risk of indulging in the ridiculousness of your rigidness, is he not able to do so in the bathroom?

Yes, of course I have no problem with him relieving himself in the bathroom or anywhere else, as long as it's not right in front of me.  And he knows this.  I think he prefers sleeping in his own bed because he doesn't want me to know just how must he masturbates, although I would completely be understanding in this area.  I understand how men are.

6 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

Just admit it, you love the attention.  It sounds like you enjoy having Tony around as an orbiter to inflate your ego and the rest of the college boys just for a few additional sets of tongues to set wagging.

 

I've done a lot of swimwear and lingerie modeling, so I'm used to getting a lot of attention from guys and do not need to seek it out at all.  In fact, I get sick and tires of guys always hitting on me and only talking to me because they want to have sex with me. My few real guy friends are not like that  Especially Tony, who totally respects me as a friend.  I like having Tony around because he is great friend and we enjoy each other's company, that's all. 

 

4 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

I disagree on men and women can’t be just friends. To y relationship is likely very different than other male friends.

 

first off…ifthey became friends at a young age they are likely more like brother-sister than relationship.

second….sometimes people do realize there are major differences that a loving relationship won’t work but friends does. Living styles are different, different religion, difference on kids, differences on long term dreams, contrasting living styles.

 

Yes, that is how it is with me and Tony, I feel like we are like brother-sister more than anything.  I mean, we did fool around a bit in high school, but we were drunk and it didn't mean anything.  We quickly realized we were more compatible as bffs, so we reverted to being just friends.  And he has never crossed the line with me since.  I feel like he is just a good friend who is there for me when I need someone to talk to besides my bf.  But I have no romantic feelings for him, like I do with my bf.  I feel like a 'lady' when I'm with my bf, but more like a 'sister' when I'm with Tony. And this is very clear to me.

I really think guys and girls can just be platonic friends, and I find it odd that anyone would disagree with this.

3 hours ago, glows said:

The situation couldn't be worse in your favour. I don't know how anyone in your religious community, elders or parents could have condoned this or allowed this to happen. Your friends don't count. It sounds like they're enjoying the perks of you having a rich boyfriend. Did no friend at all pull you aside and tell you something might be wrong?

My guess is he was looking for someone very young and naive just like you to fit this role but things didn't go to plan when Tony started showing up and you didn't play the prototype wife. Instead of caving in to sex, you started inviting friends, male friends no less, over to his house. Of course he is annoyed with you. I don't think he ever respected you the moment you agreed to move in. If he wants you to stay he's talking with his mind between his legs. He may have a thing or fetish for virgins given his comments about you and yes, it's likely a controlling streak.

I'm curious where are your parents in all this and do you have their support if you move out?

My parents love my bf and are totally supporting of us.  But I'm not sure I could move back in with them if I needed to.  

As far as my bf is concerned, he did tell me that he would only marry a virgin. And he can be very controlling sometimes.  And like I've said here all along, I do think a lot of this is him 'talking with his mind between his legs' as you put it.  I feel that his sexual frustration is causing him to be more controlling and to be unnecessarily suspicious of me and Tony.  

I will be talking with him soon about all of this so we will see...

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, Janie7 said:

We have cuddled naked many times, . 

I should be more respectful of the fact that he is paying all the bills.

 I went shoe shopping and spent over $1000.  

Unfortunately your relationship seems quite transactional. Not sure how this is remotely related to church groups.

Did you run away from home? Why are you doing this?

[Janie7]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately your relationship seems quite transactional. Not sure how this is remotely related to church groups.

Did you run away from home? Why are you doing this?

My bf and I met at church 2 years ago..  We felt an immediate connection and ended up dating a few months later.

No, I did not run away from home, lol.  My parents also attend our church and they love my bf.  They are totally accepting of the relationship even tho he is a bit older.  

Our relationship is hardly 'transactional'.  My bf and I are very much in love.  He has always bought me things because he has a lot of money and he is just a generous and loving person.  He often buy things for some of his friends just because he wants to.  It was also his idea to wait until marriage so he has never expected sex in exchange for anything.  And him having money is not the only reason my parents like him.  It is his personality and the fact that he is such a warm and kind person that they know he would be a good partner for anyone.  So I see nothing 'transactional' here.

My excessive spending was not something I planned.  It just sort of got worse the more I got used to being able to buy what I wanted. But I do understand that I must learn to manage money better if I'm going to be married.

To be fair, my recent shoe shopping included some pecheplatinum sandals, otherwise the total would have been a bit more reasonable, like maybe 6 or 700 or so.  But shoes are definitely my weakness when it comes to the clothing dept, lol. When I buy outfits or furniture and stuff  I do try and consider value and price, but it's hard when you know just what you want and the money is simply there. It's like you search and search and so when you finally find that perfect outfit you simply pay for it without thinking about it.

But anyways you are right and I will definitely be working on controlling this.

 

 

[basil67]

The more you write, the worse your behaviour is sounding.

The problem is not that Tony has more free time.  The problem is that you’re inviting a guy, who you flirt with, to hang around alone in your boyfriend’s hot tub.  The problem is your lack of boundaries. Your ‘reality’ that this is nothing but a long and close friendship conveniently ignores the fact that the two of you flirt and have a history of fooling around.  And hot tubbing alone while your partner is working to support you both.

I can’t see where your boyfriend is being controlling.  All I can see is a guy who’s trying to put reasonable boundaries in with a girlfriend who’s taking advantage of him.

Out of curiosity, were you allowed to behave like this at your parents house?

 

[basil67]

Your excessive spending was not something you planned?   Come now,  it’s not like you were scammed into something.  You knew the costs and made your choice.  Your spending was completely within your control.   The money wasn’t ‘simply there’ - it was never your money to fritter away on vanity items.

And your ‘lol’ comment further underscores your lack of remorse.  This is a serious breach of trust, not a cutsie mistake.

Edited July 10, 2021 by basil67

[Janie7]

6 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

I disagree on men and women can’t be just friends. To y relationship is likely very different than other male friends.

 

first off…ifthey became friends at a young age they are likely more like brother-sister than relationship.

second….sometimes people do realize there are major differences that a loving relationship won’t work but friends does. Living styles are different, different religion, difference on kids, differences on long term dreams, contrasting living styles.

 

omg I just read this and that is exactly how it was for me and Tony.  We were friends for a very long time and then we started experimenting a bit, we cuddled naked a few times and touched and stuff, but as a couple we starting arguing and fighting all the time, even to the point where we began to resent each other.  So we decided to revert to being friends and amazingly all the friction disappeared and we got along like brother-sister again!  I am even glad that we went through those bad times because it showed that even tho we may have a strong physical attraction to each other, a romantic relationship was simply out of the question. 

Like you said, our living styles, religious outlooks, differences in dreams, all of that simply didn't mesh for us at all.  We were totally at odds on all of those things.  But in the end it worked out, and  I even think we are even stronger friends now because of it.  

 

[d0nnivain]

I really don't understand why you can't move back with your parents.  Do you not want to now that you have had a taste of freedom & the good life or are you no longer welcome?  

The whole he can't masturbate in front of you is problematic.  Ejaculation is part of sex.  What's the issue?  It sounds like you are being intentionally selfish here.  Not good. 

Does you BF know that you previously cuddled naked with Tony?  No wonder he wants this guy gone out of your life. Once he finds out, don't be surprised if your BF kicks you out too.  His obsession with your virginity & his willingness to abide by this insane living together with no sex thing, will blow up once he learns that he's not the 1st guy to get his hands on your body.   

You strike me as a tease.  You love showing off your body & getting men all worked up but then you flounce away touting religion & the virtues of virginity.   

Tony is not your friend, honey, & you are very naïve to think he is.  He's a guy waiting to swoop in as soon as you give him the green light, probably when you are vulnerable after another guy breaks your heart. While you show off your body to him in your bikini during these booze filled hot tub encounters that your BF is paying for, Tony is biding his time waiting to make his move.  

I agree with whomever suggested you get a job.  If you have all this free time to shop, hang out with your friends & spend time with Tony, you can squeeze in 20 hours per week even if it's working at McDonalds -- or is that beneath you because you consider yourself a bikini model?   Perhaps your church could find something more suitable for you to earn money PT.  Even if you were volunteering somewhere, that could help your resume.  Perhaps get an internship.  Bottom line:  start contributing to the household economy. 

As for your spending, that really is out of control.  It can be helped.  Just stop.  Next time you are tempted to buy something, think about how long you would have to work to afford that, then put it back.  If you are really tempted, pray.  You said you are woman of faith who met this guy at Bible study.  When you want to shop, instead read Matthew 4:1-11 about Satan tempting Jesus.   If you can't resist buying a pair of shoes, what does that tell you about the strength of your faith? 

Do not publicly answer me but I'd be very interested to know  just how much money we're talking about here.  I have a bad feeling that while your 28 year old BF may make a comfortable living, & it may be more money than you have ever known,  is it really idle rich money where he can afford your college tuition, to put a roof over your head & groceries on the table plus enable you to spend thousands on frivolous stuff like shoes?   It sounds more like you are a young woman with her 1st credit card who goes nuts thinking she can, not understanding that it has to be paid back & interest rates confine you to debt.   Assuming the sandals you mentioned were $300+ , leaving them out, spending $600-$700 is not more reasonable.  How many shoes do you need?  Last summer I bought a pair of $12 flip flops.  That is the last time I bought shoes in probably the last 2 years.  Before that I bought a pair of shoes at a thrift store for I think $10, new they probably retailed for $129.  You have to learn the value of things.  

Perhaps you & this guy should have a real talk about finances & budgets.  You need to have an understanding of how much things cost because you don't seem to have a clue.