do they actually leave?

[vla1120]

14 minutes ago, Myabee said:

I actually spilled to my Dr the mental anguish involved here... he agreed stress can do so much. xx  

I agree. Stress can do horrible things to you mentally and physically. One thing that helped me through the worst parts was daily exercise. I actually need to get back to my daily routine. I slept better, my blood pressure was lower, my palpitations stopped, and I lost weight! 

[Myabee]

3 hours ago, vla1120 said:

I agree. Stress can do horrible things to you mentally and physically. One thing that helped me through the worst parts was daily exercise. I actually need to get back to my daily routine. I slept better, my blood pressure was lower, my palpitations stopped, and I lost weight! 

Totally agree on the above. On a mission of me at the moment. I bought myself a new smashing black velvet dress and I intend to rock it That made me feel good. Also sticking back to my vegan diet now that i can actually eat again! Sitting around and stewing over this is non productive. While he is still on my mind 24/7... I try to place that on a closet shelf in my head. Ok he is there, yet he will not consume my day to day life.  

Edited December 3, 2021 by Myabee

[Myabee]

I managed to stay busy baking all day. Now i ended up putting on a shirt he gave me . When does this pain go away? He is on my mind so much. I force him out he won't leave.

Edited December 5, 2021 by Myabee

[Myabee]

7 hours ago, S2B said:

Try art therapy. It works wonders to get emotions out of your head and onto a canvas/paper/anything. 

releasing those emotions is very healing.

I can't believe you just said that. Ha. I was thinking about that as I use to paint and that really helped. My daughter is quite the artist and  I know she said the same thing. Thank you. I know I will have up's and downs for a while. I just hate it being left open it leaves false hope. Several people in my real life have said then reach out in couple weeks if it helps with closure and too me it would help a lot..When it comes to matters of the heart, I suck at closure i fully admit that. 

[Allupinnit]

11 hours ago, Myabee said:

I can't believe you just said that. Ha. I was thinking about that as I use to paint and that really helped. My daughter is quite the artist and  I know she said the same thing. Thank you. I know I will have up's and downs for a while. I just hate it being left open it leaves false hope. Several people in my real life have said then reach out in couple weeks if it helps with closure and too me it would help a lot..When it comes to matters of the heart, I suck at closure i fully admit that. 

Girl I know it hurts but just NO.  You have to be done with this once and for all.  You've gone back and forth for long enough.  You may never have "closure" from him, anything he has to say will just leave you with more questions, or with false hope, neither which are going to help you moving forward.

Deep down you are hoping that reaching out to him will reignite this affair.  You can't be friends.  He's married to someone else, and he's chosen to remain so, nothing more needs to be said.

[Crazelnut]

I promise you it will get better. It took me 8 or 9 months to stop hurting and about another 3 or 4 before I stopped thinking about him all the time. 

Every time you have contact, you just extend the pain. You will never get "closure" from him. You cannot trust anything he says. This is done -- don't drag it out to YOUR own detriment. You're worth more than that. 

[Myabee]

10 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

Girl I know it hurts but just NO.  You have to be done with this once and for all.  You've gone back and forth for long enough.  You may never have "closure" from him, anything he has to say will just leave you with more questions, or with false hope, neither which are going to help you moving forward.

Deep down you are hoping that reaching out to him will reignite this affair.  You can't be friends.  He's married to someone else, and he's chosen to remain so, nothing more needs to be said.

i know the affair is done. I suck at making closure and feel like hearing it from him is what I need to move on. If ge got caught and choose he marriage 100% then ok. But he left it open ended and I'm sorry but after 18 months of daily contact I want an answer and an honest one. I bet I can swindled the truth out of him at some point. I know it sounds silly but it's what I need. 

[Myabee]

8 hours ago, Crazelnut said:

I promise you it will get better. It took me 8 or 9 months to stop hurting and about another 3 or 4 before I stopped thinking about him all the time. 

Every time you have contact, you just extend the pain. You will never get "closure" from him. You cannot trust anything he says. This is done -- don't drag it out to YOUR own detriment. You're worth more than that. 

I realize contacting equals pain. But one last time for closure at some point will do me a world of good. This cut deep for me. Real deep.  

[hajk]

@Myabee you will not get closure or the answer you seek. He will just tell you open ended response again as he has been doing for the last 6 months or so.  Then you will have to start healing at square one again.

[elaine567]

23 minutes ago, Myabee said:

I realize contacting equals pain. But one last time for closure at some point will do me a world of good. This cut deep for me. Real deep.  

And by contacting him again, and no doubt again and again to get some temporary relief... you are picking at the scab.
That wound can never heal if you keep it open and bleeding.

[Myabee]

53 minutes ago, hajk said:

@Myabee you will not get closure or the answer you seek. He will just tell you open ended response again as he has been doing for the last 6 months or so.  Then you will have to start healing at square one again.

I actually do not think that's the case! I think he will just say sorry I need you out of my life period. I pretty much know how he thinks by now

[Myabee]

34 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

And by contacting him again, and no doubt again and again to get some temporary relief... you are picking at the scab.
That wound can never heal if you keep it open and bleeding.

But it won't be again and again that's the point I'm trying to make. We left it when emotions where high especially on his end after supposed d'day which I still question if that really took place. I think I deserve an answer here.  

[elaine567]

18 minutes ago, Myabee said:

But it won't be again and again that's the point I'm trying to make.

You think that now...

These affairs are very addictive, you need your "fix".
Atm you have persuaded yourself you need "closure" and "answers" to justify another quick "fix".

What answers?
He dumped you.
Pretty simple actually.
Sorry but  if he is nice,  ILY, we can make it work... or if he is nasty or angry or dismissive then you will off on another circle of pain, as he isn't leaving her...
Let it go.
 

[Myabee]

3 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

You think that now...

These affairs are very addictive, you need your "fix".
Atm you have persuaded yourself you need "closure" and "answers" to justify another quick "fix".

What answers?
He dumped you.
Pretty simple actually.
Sorry but  if he is nice,  ILY, we can make it work... or if he is nasty or angry or dismissive then you will off on another circle of pain, as he isn't leaving her...
Let it go.
 

I'd rather he be Nasty if need be... and it's not a quick fix... Idk

[Crazelnut]

1 hour ago, Myabee said:

I actually do not think that's the case! I think he will just say sorry I need you out of my life period. I pretty much know how he thinks by now

With all due respect, you do not. If you did, you wouldn't be seeking answers because you'd know what he's thinking. 

I think you're fooling yourself. You will not get an honest answer from him. He's going to give you more vague, open-ended nonsense that will not bring closure.  He's been feeding you crap for so long -- set the plate down. 

If it's over, learn to let go. You've been telling us how much you "know yourself" and him, but that doesn't appear to be true. 

[Myabee]

28 minutes ago, Crazelnut said:

With all due respect, you do not. If you did, you wouldn't be seeking answers because you'd know what he's thinking. 

I think you're fooling yourself. You will not get an honest answer from him. He's going to give you more vague, open-ended nonsense that will not bring closure.  He's been feeding you crap for so long -- set the plate down. 

If it's over, learn to let go. You've been telling us how much you "know yourself" and him, but that doesn't appear to be true. 

it's confusing and I have never been in this spot before. 

[Crazelnut]

1 hour ago, Myabee said:

it's confusing and I have never been in this spot before. 

Then you don't really know how he's thinking or what you should do. So you should listen to literally everyone here who HAS been in this spot and is telling you to not engage with him in any way. 

[vla1120]

On 12/5/2021 at 6:53 AM, Myabee said:

When it comes to matters of the heart, I suck at closure i fully admit that. 

I remember my therapist telling me at some point that the problem with "closure" is that we think we need it. "Closure" is the apology that will never come, the explanation that we will never understand. You have to find the closure (resolution not to repeat the painful behavior that led you to this point) from within. 

[Bittersweetie]

Like I said to another OW this weekend, it is a waste of your mental energy to continue to wonder and ask questions about MM. You will never have the answers to some of your questions, and that is okay. As much as you think you do, you don't need these answers to get closure or move on, because the healing and growth is within YOU. It's already there, you just have to tap into it.

I feel like this is similar to my son when I tell him he has to stop playing video games...one more minute please mom! I just need one more minute to finish this one thing! There will always be one more thing, one more whatever. The only person who has the power to end all this is YOU.

[Myabee]

51 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

I remember my therapist telling me at some point that the problem with "closure" is that we think we need it. "Closure" is the apology that will never come, the explanation that we will never understand. You have to find the closure (resolution not to repeat the painful behavior that led you to this point) from within. 

Funny I just got off the phone with mine and she said we all process closure in our own way and yes she has had women in my same situation. 

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, Crazelnut said:

Then you don't really know how he's thinking or what you should do. So you should listen to literally everyone here who HAS been in this spot and is telling you to not engage with him in any way. 

I also have a voice. I also have learned much in therapy to break free from an emotionally abusive marriage that was a blessing. He XMM has not done self work and even said he is at the wifes mercy. No one should be at anyones mercy ever. 

[Allupinnit]

47 minutes ago, Myabee said:

I also have a voice. I also have learned much in therapy to break free from an emotionally abusive marriage that was a blessing. He XMM has not done self work and even said he is at the wifes mercy. No one should be at anyones mercy ever. 

Gently, you need to leave this woman's husband and her marriage alone.  The fact is you DON'T know what their dynamic is, he's not being held hostage with a gun to his head, come on.  They don't have kids he's sticking it out with.

Do the right thing and please don't contact this woman's husband anymore.  There is no room for you in their marriage and you need to move on.  

[Myabee]

3 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

Gently, you need to leave this woman's husband and her marriage alone.  The fact is you DON'T know what their dynamic is, he's not being held hostage with a gun to his head, come on.  They don't have kids he's sticking it out with.

Do the right thing and please don't contact this woman's husband anymore.  There is no room for you in their marriage and you need to move on.  

I actually agree! Let the next OW contact the husband and bug him then contact the wife after she is messed with for a year and a half. I can put money on that it will happen to this man one day. Once a cheater always a cheater and he will never change! 

Edited December 6, 2021 by Myabee

[czanclus]

4 hours ago, Myabee said:

So you should listen to literally everyone here who HAS been in this spot and is telling you to not engage with him in any way. 

To be a bit of a devil's advocate, not that I disagree with the advice to forgo seeking closure from a man who is woefully weak at confrontation, who are the users on this thread who have had the experience of actively seeking verbalized closure from a exMM after they've been dismissed from their mistress status? If any are really here, could they offer their own story post D-day? What they thought would happen and what actually happened, and how it impacted them emotionally, and how much they regret it? I think details, however 'anecdotal' speak much more powerfully than regurgitated platitudes of standard protocol, no offense.

I can only speak of my personal story that involved a 'regular' break-up, and I definitely, 5 years later, deem myself an utter fool for ever thinking that man would have the decency to say to me 'Hey, you are right, and I'm sorry. I should never have come back after the time you first left. You never meant enough to me, not even as a friend. I am glad you left the second time when you did, and I am glad you are no longer in my life. I don't even have fond memories of us. It was an unhealthy relationship, with just a few bits that were nice. I don't wish you ill, but I don't see the merit in us ever reconnecting again in any way, so please refrain from even trying. Thank you for respecting my wishes.'

Yup, it'll burn out all the wires in the vast field of the Matrix the number of lifetime simulations it would take for this message to land into any of my receiving devices from that human specimen. Others, please come forth with your specific stories.

I've had a man divorce his wife and contact me after that, even after I've told him never to contact me again. 

Edited December 6, 2021 by czanclus

[Myabee]

5 minutes ago, czanclus said:

To be a bit of a devil's advocate, not that I disagree with the advice to forgo seeking closure from a man who is woefully weak at confrontation, who are the users on this thread who have had the experience of actively seeking verbalized closure from a exMM after they've been dismissed from their mistress status? If any are really here, could they offer their own story post D-day? What they thought would happen and what actually happened, and how it impacted them emotionally, and how much they regret it?

I can only speak of my personal story that involved a 'regular' break-up, and I definitely, 5 years later, deem myself an utter fool for ever thinking that man would have the decency to say to me 'Hey, you are right, and I'm sorry. I should never have come back after the time you first left. You never meant enough to me, not even as a friend. I am glad you left the second time when you did, and I am glad you are no longer in my life. I don't even have fond memories of us. It was an unhealthy relationship, with just a few bits that were nice. I don't wish you ill, but I don't see the merit in us ever reconnecting again in any way.'

Yup, it'll burn out all the wires in the vast field of the Matrix the number of lifetime simulations it would take for this message to land into any of my receiving devices from that human specimen. Others, please come forth with your specific stories.

I've had a man divorce his wife and contact me after that, even after I've told him never to contact me again. 

Thank You!!!!!