do they actually leave?

[vla1120]

12 hours ago, Myabee said:

what is it you want from me?  

When push comes to shove, all of this is YOUR life and YOUR decision. I (personally) don't want you to feel shame about whatever your decision is going to be moving forward. You are right, sitting from the outside looking in, it seems to be an easy decision to simply close the door on this relationship and not look back. I realize your perspective of the situation is quite different. You came out here looking for guidance because you are in pain. I think people are just trying to convince you that, while the pain you feel right now is acute, it will eventually subside. However, if you stay involved in any way with this man, you run the risk of repeating this cycle down the road. 

[Myabee]

29 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

When push comes to shove, all of this is YOUR life and YOUR decision. I (personally) don't want you to feel shame about whatever your decision is going to be moving forward. You are right, sitting from the outside looking in, it seems to be an easy decision to simply close the door on this relationship and not look back. I realize your perspective of the situation is quite different. You came out here looking for guidance because you are in pain. I think people are just trying to convince you that, while the pain you feel right now is acute, it will eventually subside. However, if you stay involved in any way with this man, you run the risk of repeating this cycle down the road. 

I agree with my whole heart here that if I were to be in touch it would be a cycle. The only way it would not be a cycle is if I saw actual divorce papers from this MM and he left the union for himself not I. Do I see that as likely? NO! Do I see him staying put for material comfort and not fixing a thing in his current situation, Yes! The only thing that will change is his ability to sharpen his skills with his next dish so he is not caught. Sadly that's not the guy I new 30 years back. Perhaps he evolved from that innocent teen to a sneaky lier.  Too bad to for him. 

Edited December 1, 2021 by Myabee

[Allupinnit]

I hope you are feeling a bit better today - how are you?

[Bittersweetie]

14 hours ago, Myabee said:

People do fall into things.

No. People do not fall into things. Adults make choices and sometimes either don't think about or do not care about the consequences. At any point in your affair, you had the opportunity to make a different choice and you did not. I'm not saying that to be mean; I'm saying we are responsible for our own choices and the consequences of them at any time. Heck, my MM dumped me and I took him back months later no questions asked, so I've been there.

I wonder if you are using the affair and all of this to distract yourself from dealing with pain. With the pain of your marriage ending (even if it was for the best) you distracted with MM and the affair. With the end of the affair, you are distracting yourself by wondering about xMM and seeing clairvoyants. Unfortunately, at some point you  will have to deal with the pain if you want to move forward. All of us have done this in some capacity...I know after my d-day I was thinking about xMM and wondered why??? I realized I was trying to escape the reality of my actual life. But the only way out is through. It's to go full NC (no social media, everything blocked) and turn the focus on oneself. Distractions are just kicking the can down the road...do you want to be in the same exact place mentally this time next year? I hope not, and I don't want that for you. I tried baby steps to move forward too then I had a d-day...and I had to jump into the pool and start swimming. Just jump...the water's cold at first but you get used to it.

[Eeejay]

This is my first reply to this topic, but I've been following it and I really have been hoping that you find peace from this soon, Mya. Here is a bit of advice for you, and this is meant kindly:

Quote

I'm certain he will have a lovely holiday with the wife after learning he has chested on her.  oh and perhaps loving someone when you don't feel like is better suited for the wife this case who neglects her husband at every chance... hmmm no wonder he fell for me. 

Gently, stop this. I know you're trying to make yourself feel better by convincing yourself that he's miserable too now because the karma bus hit him - but what these thoughts and snarky comments are really doing is preventing you from finding your true anger. Maintaining the illusion that he had the affair because of her, or their marriage, or because you two had an epic fairy tale connection or whatever else is just absolving him of accountability. It's keeping your anger and frustration pointed in the wrong direction. If she were here directing her anger at you, I'd tell her the same thing - her poor, hapless husband didn't get 'trapped' into an affair by a predatory other woman who went after him on social media. I'd say to direct her anger where it belongs - at HIM, because if she stays angry at OW then there's nobody holding HIM accountable and their marriage will never be safe in the future. Same way YOU will never be safe from falling back into this one day if you don't start seeing him for what he IS, and not what you thought he was. He made a selfish choice, and he is a selfish person who hurts the people around him because something inside him is broken.

You don't even know her except as 'THE wife' - an obstacle, an object, a boogeyman. You've assigned her and their marriage characteristics based on what he said but he is a liar. HE is the one who caused this whole mess. HE is the one you need to direct your scorn and anger towards. The more you picture his wife as some kind of monstrous prison warden, neglectful and abusive and cold, while he is some kind of cowering victim of circumstance, the more you're just gifting him excuses in your head for his awful behavior. The more you think like that, the more you keep yourself in a vulnerable place and the more likely it is that you're going to be open to this jamoke the next time he contacts you (if he does). Because after all, poor him, right? See what I'm saying?

[catbestfriend]

On 11/28/2021 at 3:19 PM, BlindsidedTwice said:

But it is hard to think in absolutes and forevers, especially when the wound is fresh. For now, just focus on getting through today. Then focus on getting through tomorrow. Soon you’ll be a week out. And then a month. Then 3 months. 6 months! 10 months! A year! And when you look back, you’ll be astounded and proud of yourself for how far you’ve come.

To support my NC, I actually created a task on my habit tracker that tracks how many days I’ve been able to stick to my goal. The icon for it is a person face palming because it reminds me of how cringeworthy and undesirable the whole mess is haha. Breaking things down into chunks and having some sort of evidence of how far you’ve come might be helpful. Maybe you can even get yourself a reward (like a massage or food you like) at the one month mark, the two month mark, etc. Make NC into something positive for yourself that you can celebrate.

[Myabee]

3 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

I hope you are feeling a bit better today - how are you?

Feeling duped and down and numb again. About sums up today.

[Myabee]

2 hours ago, Bittersweetie said:

No. People do not fall into things. Adults make choices and sometimes either don't think about or do not care about the consequences. At any point in your affair, you had the opportunity to make a different choice and you did not. I'm not saying that to be mean; I'm saying we are responsible for our own choices and the consequences of them at any time. Heck, my MM dumped me and I took him back months later no questions asked, so I've been there.

I wonder if you are using the affair and all of this to distract yourself from dealing with pain. With the pain of your marriage ending (even if it was for the best) you distracted with MM and the affair. With the end of the affair, you are distracting yourself by wondering about xMM and seeing clairvoyants. Unfortunately, at some point you  will have to deal with the pain if you want to move forward. All of us have done this in some capacity...I know after my d-day I was thinking about xMM and wondered why??? I realized I was trying to escape the reality of my actual life. But the only way out is through. It's to go full NC (no social media, everything blocked) and turn the focus on oneself. Distractions are just kicking the can down the road...do you want to be in the same exact place mentally this time next year? I hope not, and I don't want that for you. I tried baby steps to move forward too then I had a d-day...and I had to jump into the pool and start swimming. Just jump...the water's cold at first but you get used to it.

I did not use this affair as it ended up as a distraction from my divorce. It may have been a distraction from some young adult stuff and the pandemic crazy stuff. I did not go looking for anything at all. Just reached out to a very old friend as I have done countess times male and female with nothing like this happening. Yes I made a choice to entertain the very magnetic spark because well he was charming and we had so much in common. Time to let go.... day my day... step by step... he blocked me everywhere after I removed him from everywhere.  

Edited December 1, 2021 by Myabee

[Allupinnit]

Honestly so many affairs start through social media (or at work) so I'm not really surprised, but if my H was communicating with a woman online like that I'd be very pissed.  You can't be friends like that with married men - the risk is way too high of developing at least an emotional affair, as you found out firsthand.  

He failed to put up appropriate boundaries surrounding his marriage.  I also agree that people don't just "fall" into affairs, you knew what you were doing and so did he.  

 

 

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, Allupinnit said:

Honestly so many affairs start through social media (or at work) so I'm not really surprised, but if my H was communicating with a woman online like that I'd be very pissed.  You can't be friends like that with married men - the risk is way too high of developing at least an emotional affair, as you found out firsthand.  

He failed to put up appropriate boundaries surrounding his marriage.  I also agree that people don't just "fall" into affairs, you knew what you were doing and so did he.  

 

 

I know far to many lives that were wrecked and much heartbreak that has come from social media FB being the biggest culprit. I have sworn off mine. Just a very down day. I'm thinking because we switched months leaving all behind last month. Tears today.    

[Bubble_20]

After reading through dozens of posts on this thread, I’m not sure what else is left to say. It’s all been said, many times over. Time to move on? 
I’m in a similar spot after a three year very physical and emotional affair. You have the luxury of a long distance somewhat fantasy emotional investment. You could probably move along relatively unscathed onto someone better suited for you. Please, try and do that.

[Bubble_20]

1 hour ago, Bubble_20 said:

After reading through dozens of posts on this thread, I’m not sure what else is left to say. It’s all been said, many times over. Time to move on? 
I’m in a similar spot after a three year very physical and emotional affair. You have the luxury of a long distance somewhat fantasy emotional investment. You could probably move along relatively unscathed onto someone better suited for you. Please, try and do that.

I got cut off while editing and my post it comes across very harsh. It wasn’t my intention as I’m hardly in a position to judge anyone.
This will sound incredibly sexist and I’m prepared to be politely corrected on this by any of our male posters, but I do see on these forums that women will make the break from a miserable relationship and fully commit (emotionally, physically) into their other (MM) relationship. Maybe we view it as a real ‘thing’ when they see it as an affair? I’m tired of seeing  so many women being emotionally crushed on this forum due to poor decisions when it comes to married men.   

Edited December 1, 2021 by Bubble_20

[Theeisor]

I’m following your story and I’m rooting for you. Stay strong, girl!! It’s not easy but you can do it and move on to a happier and more fulfilling life. Affairs are all consuming and you don’t deserve 2nd best

[Myabee]

2 hours ago, Bubble_20 said:

I got cut off while editing and my post it comes across very harsh. It wasn’t my intention as I’m hardly in a position to judge anyone.
This will sound incredibly sexist and I’m prepared to be politely corrected on this by any of our male posters, but I do see on these forums that women will make the break from a miserable relationship and fully commit (emotionally, physically) into their other (MM) relationship. Maybe we view it as a real ‘thing’ when they see it as an affair? I’m tired of seeing  so many women being emotionally crushed on this forum due to poor decisions when it comes to married men.   

Sorry you are in a touch spot yet moving on. Yes it's time I do that. Lot's of tears today I allowed this person to take every bit of my heart. I willing participated and we connected deeply and shared 24/7 for a year 1/2. This person was the only person I was reaching out to. My text is now empty minus an occasional message from a random friend here and there or my kids, or my best friend. Small circle for me.. guess I need to widen it. In a dark place now... it's all hit hard and the thing is I let it.

Edited December 2, 2021 by Myabee

[czanclus]

4 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

You can't be friends like that with married men - the risk is way too high of developing at least an emotional affair, as you found out firsthand.  

She thought (mistakenly) that he is basically over and done with the marriage. He sure did a fine job serving the narrative... as they all cheating MM's do.

 

4 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

He failed to put up appropriate boundaries surrounding his marriage.

He sure did. Now there's a woman suffering for it. Should've known better.

[Myabee]

12 minutes ago, Theeisor said:

I’m following your story and I’m rooting for you. Stay strong, girl!! It’s not easy but you can do it and move on to a happier and more fulfilling life. Affairs are all consuming and you don’t deserve 2nd best

Thank you. Rough day today... tears. And no I don't not deserve second best. xx

[Theeisor]

8 minutes ago, Myabee said:

Thank you. Rough day today... tears. And no I don't not deserve second best. xx

Hugs. Be good to yourself. Replace all the negative thoughts with good thoughts about YOU. Plan something, anything that has everything to do with you. Tomorrow is another day and another chance to get better ‍

[catbestfriend]

1 hour ago, Myabee said:

Thank you. Rough day today... tears. And no I don't not deserve second best. xx

Honestly, Myabee, I think you’ve come a long way from when you first started this thread. You seem like you’ve been moving towards acceptance and haven’t been going back and forth so much. I think it’s normal to question and over time that questioning will become more and more infrequent. And I say that as someone who came to this message board in the first place because I was dealing with similar issues. I agree that you should be kind and generous with yourself. 

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, Theeisor said:

Hugs. Be good to yourself. Replace all the negative thoughts with good thoughts about YOU. Plan something, anything that has everything to do with you. Tomorrow is another day and another chance to get better ‍

Thank you

[Myabee]

5 minutes ago, catbestfriend said:

Honestly, Myabee, I think you’ve come a long way from when you first started this thread. You seem like you’ve been moving towards acceptance and haven’t been going back and forth so much. I think it’s normal to question and over time that questioning will become more and more infrequent. And I say that as someone who came to this message board in the first place because I was dealing with similar issues. I agree that you should be kind and generous with yourself. 

Thank you so much. i know more tears lie ahead as everything reminds me of him. Life goes on though

[Myabee]

Healthier thoughts this morning. 

 

When getting back together is not likely to happen, you must learn to let go. Acknowledge that we could have more than one soul connection in our lives. You will find love again when you are ready, though it will not be the same kind as the one you just lost, and will meet another soulmate whom you will treasure deeply.

 

[vla1120]

9 minutes ago, Myabee said:

Healthier thoughts this morning. 

 

When getting back together is not likely to happen, you must learn to let go. Acknowledge that we could have more than one soul connection in our lives. You will find love again when you are ready, though it will not be the same kind as the one you just lost, and will meet another soulmate whom you will treasure deeply.

 

Excellent!

[Myabee]

2 hours ago, vla1120 said:

Excellent!

Yeah! Up and down like crazy though.. But to be expected. 

[Brian1223]

2 hours ago, S2B said:

Distract yourself with some things you enjoy!

try taking a vacation with a friend who you have fun with!

I second this! A vacation would be just the good distraction you could do with now. 

[Myabee]

11 hours ago, S2B said:

Distract yourself with some things you enjoy!

try taking a vacation with a friend who you have fun with!

A vacation is not going to work at the moment. However, I have plenty to keep me busy. I look forward to baking this weekend and a tree lighting. I realize how important it is to adopt a healthier mentality as at my cardio visit yesterday my BP was up and thats not me. I actually spilled to my Dr the mental anguish involved here... he agreed stress can do so much. xx