do they actually leave?

[Myabee]

8 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

He might keep you blocked for a while and reach out in 6 months or a year. Or longer. I don’t recommend you reach out. As Allupunnit says, if he does choose to resume, it will be for more of the same. And you can’t be friends with him - you will always be wanting that romantic relationship. Take this opportunity to detox (which if you’re lucky will take about a year) and do things for yourself. I promise that once you and MM are back in touch, you will be back on the same rollercoaster. And closure isn’t a thing. 

Thank you. I highly doubt it would be 6 months to a year though.

[Myabee]

9 minutes ago, stillafool said:

What does closure look like to you?

Great question and thank you for asking. In this case closure looks like he tells me straight out that he does not want me in his life in any form and why? I would like to know the truth... I feel like right now I don't have the truth. I will say this. I would never entertain any flirting or affair with him if he is choosing to stay married. Leaving it on a friendly stance vs an abrupt affair has to end stance feels to deplorable for a man I have known since I was 16. 

[vla1120]

5 minutes ago, Myabee said:

In this case closure looks like he tells me straight out that he does not want me in his life in any form and why? I would like to know the truth... I feel like right now I don't have the truth. I will say this. I would never entertain any flirting or affair with him if he is choosing to stay married. Leaving it on a friendly stance vs an abrupt affair has to end stance feels to deplorable for a man I have known since I was 16. 

I don't think friendship should be on the table. I think the only way for you to truly get over him is to cut all contact with no hope of a future reconciliation for friendship or anything else. If he does contact you in the future, it's because he thinks his wife is comfortable enough to believe he is over you and might not be monitoring him as closely. But then after a while, lather, rinse, repeat. You deserve better for yourself.

[basil67]

@Myabee how can you pin your recovery on getting "the truth" from a guy who is a liar?  No matter what he tells you, surely you know better than to trust his words.

Further, please forgive me if I misunderstand your wording, but it sounds like you'd like to stay on a friendly terms with him.  Given all the names you've called him recently, why would you want him as a friend?

 

Edited November 30, 2021 by basil67

[Myabee]

15 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

I don't think friendship should be on the table. I think the only way for you to truly get over him is to cut all contact with no hope of a future reconciliation for friendship or anything else. If he does contact you in the future, it's because he thinks his wife is comfortable enough to believe he is over you and might not be monitoring him as closely. But then after a while, lather, rinse, repeat. You deserve better for yourself.

I would be firm and not allow anything but a friendly hello now and again. It's more complicated then you guys realize.

[Myabee]

17 minutes ago, basil67 said:

@Myabee how can you pin your recovery on getting "the truth" from a guy who is a liar?  No matter what he tells you, surely you know better than to trust his words.

Further, please forgive me if I misunderstand your wording, but it sounds like you'd like to stay on a friendly terms with him.  Given all the names you've called him recently, why would you want him as a friend?

 

People had mentioned stay angry... that can help. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to leave this so up in the air... for now yes NC and most likely just hoping to leave it with more of a smile then a bitterness.

[RebeccaR]

1 minute ago, Myabee said:

I would be firm and not allow anything but a friendly hello now and again. It's more complicated then you guys realize.

I think it’s highly unlikely either of you will be able to maintain this. And knowing he’s out there for you will keep you stuck. I also think he’ll be back for you and you will be back here complaining that he’s sending you inappropriate videos. It might be hard to find, but there are other guys out there who are single who are also interested in sports and politics, if that’s what you need.

[basil67]

6 minutes ago, Myabee said:

People had mentioned stay angry... that can help. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to leave this so up in the air... for now yes NC and most likely just hoping to leave it with more of a smile then a bitterness.

If the anger is to help, it needs to be genuine.  The kind of anger which involves *knowing* that you never want this person in your life again.  

Otherwise, it's just meaningless ranting

Edited November 30, 2021 by basil67

[Allupinnit]

I see that you're already giving yourself a date to reach out to him.

You have to LET. IT. GO.  You're not going to get closure - he doesn't WANT closure.  He wants you as his mistress!!  There's nothing he can say that won't leave you with more questions.

I'm sorry you feel you've lost a friend but that's the (very small) price you pay when you play this destructive game, nobody comes out unscathed.  You should be thanking your lucky stars that's ALL that's come from this for you.  

I feel like you're spinning - between wanting to see what he's up to on FB, wanting to tell the wife, reaching out again to him yourself (JUST NO!!!) I fear you will be stuck in this dynamic for many more years to come if you can't stick with the short-term pain you have to endure to get this man out of your life and your system for good.  Tie oven mitts on your hands if you have to but DO NOT DIAL THAT MAN!  Don't send a pigeon.  No smoke signals.  No likes on FB - NOTHING from you.  You said yourself that you're better than him - well he's not going to believe that if you reach out in a couple of weeks hoping to get more answers, or respond to him if he pings you again.  STOP watching his social media!  He could be doing anything, you don't know!!

Closure is going to have to come from you.  It usually does.

 

[Allupinnit]

2 hours ago, Myabee said:

I would be firm and not allow anything but a friendly hello now and again. It's more complicated then you guys realize.

Girl - firstly you need to stop lying to yourself.  This isn't what you really want, it is more games.  It's only complicated because you're making it out to be.

Read the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass - you can download it on Amazon.  It will give you a fresh perspective into the affair dynamics, and I honestly believe really help you moving forward.

 

[Myabee]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

If the anger is to help, it needs to be genuine.  The kind of anger which involves *knowing* that you never want this person in your life again.  

Otherwise, it's just meaningless ranting

Right genuine and my anger thus far has not been as such. 

[Myabee]

10 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

Girl - firstly you need to stop lying to yourself.  This isn't what you really want, it is more games.  It's only complicated because you're making it out to be.

Read the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass - you can download it on Amazon.  It will give you a fresh perspective into the affair dynamics, and I honestly believe really help you moving forward.

 

I will get that book right away. 

[Myabee]

Just now, Myabee said:

I will get that book right away. 

Ok. Now I know I flew in here like a wrecking ball,  but I did just do something that a girl friend of mine recommended. Consult a physic. And no not a tik tok one, A real one. I think my face turned pale white with the info she revealed to me in a 30  minute phone call. Just hear me out. No need to call for the paddywaggon 

 

I told this woman the honest to god truth from my end. I only had to give her my name MM's  and the wife's name.  The first thing she saw was a candle burning out. She felt it was MM guilt which def could be spot on as he did say he was racked with guilt. This woman also told me the wife def knows but not the whole story.. and that MM wants to leave his marriage has for a while now. This is about the financial stuff for him... and that he had a dream of living in a tent she saw that  and that he does love me and is missing me as much as I am missing him and feeling sadness and has no one for support he is alone. She saw me surrounded by support. She felt our energy together is real and  like fireworks also that the wife is truly not about sex she is about appearances and she does not respect him or his job. She feels there is a 95% chance he will reach out as he said and it will be within the next couple months if not sooner... she sees him not being able to go without reaching out before he is divorced and sees a shift in his feelings about his financial situation by early summer on a positive note to leave. She also said exactly what happened when we meet that day in May without me saying a word. I did ask if she sees him as cheating before in the marriage... her answers was I see  some harmless flirtations but nothing like what the two of us have shared and for any length of time. I also asked if there is an OW at the moment. She said no... I just see him and the W. She also said that her deep feeling was that we have a lasting love and it's at soul level for sure. I have connected with these clairvoyant people before and they were right. Now don't worry, I will still get the book and I will not place 100% merit on any of this. What it did was make me feel not so crazy and it calmed me down and gave me hope of not being a complete fruit loop.I guess we all have to do what works for us. 

[Allupinnit]

Edit - Never mind.

Edited December 1, 2021 by Allupinnit

[Myabee]

1 minute ago, Allupinnit said:

Edit - Never mind.

If you think I put real merit on this... I don't really... it was interesting and I will leave it at that. Ordered the book... will continue onward to move forward.  

[Allupinnit]

Just now, Myabee said:

If you think I put real merit on this... I don't really... it was interesting and I will leave it at that. Ordered the book... will continue onward to move forward.  

Seriously though you need to get real with yourself and your heart.  You can't tell me that you won't be carrying this with you until he inevitably reaches out again and let him back until "next summer when his finance are worked out."

That's EXACTLY what you're thinking/feeling.  You're going to go to bed tonight dreaming of the next 7 months and thinking this soul-love you share is only a mere few months away.

You literally just said you've believed in clairvoyants before, you just spent money and ultimately they are in it for the money, otherwise we'd all be millionaires with the perfect partner.  

[RebeccaR]

I think there’s a very good chance he’ll reach out either directly or indirectly. But leave his wife? No. He’s actually more honest than most and admits his marriage isn’t that bad. If you want more of the same, that’s all he will offer you. Better to cut the cord, especially if you want to ever have another relationship in the future. Can you really date someone seriously and have a secret friend on the side who you long for romantically and sexually? Doesn’t sound like a healthy way to be in a relationship.

if you want to be a long term secret mistress, have fun with that, and he’ll play the same games when his wife catches him again.

Edited December 1, 2021 by RebeccaR

[Myabee]

26 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

Seriously though you need to get real with yourself and your heart.  You can't tell me that you won't be carrying this with you until he inevitably reaches out again and let him back until "next summer when his finance are worked out."

That's EXACTLY what you're thinking/feeling.  You're going to go to bed tonight dreaming of the next 7 months and thinking this soul-love you share is only a mere few months away.

You literally just said you've believed in clairvoyants before, you just spent money and ultimately they are in it for the money, otherwise we'd all be millionaires with the perfect partner.  

I did have a clairvoyant be spot on with a situation in my life at one time. But that was one time and of course they are in it for the money. No. I’m not going to sit around and think he is leaving at all. If he reaches out I am not even sure what I will say? I know one think I would say.. what is it you want from me?  

Edited December 1, 2021 by Myabee

[Myabee]

20 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

I think there’s a very good chance he’ll reach out either directly or indirectly. But leave his wife? No. He’s actually more honest than most and admits his marriage isn’t that bad. If you want more of the same, that’s all he will offer you. Better to cut the cord, especially if you want to ever have another relationship in the future. Can you really date someone seriously and have a secret friend on the side who you long for romantically and sexually? Doesn’t sound like a healthy way to be in a relationship.

if you want to be a long term secret mistress, have fun with that, and he’ll play the same games when his wife catches him again.

I agree. Who knows what the marriage is like now after D day? I would assume some trust issues. My guess he will stay for the financial comforts and get his thrills else where. Will another me exist? I highly doubt on the level we connected but more of just a sex thing and he will have the sneaking around mastered by now to avoid getting caught. He will probably guard his heart next time as to not have a repeat of me.

Edited December 1, 2021 by Myabee

[Allupinnit]

You started this thread back in July.  So nearly 5 months ago (and by then it was almost a year going) and you're no closer to getting what you want from this guy who is not only 3,000 miles away but has now put you on ice to "calm things down" with his wife.  Does that sound like the love of the ages?!  He has no kids, what's the holdup after all this time?  He's about to spend Christmas and NYE with his wife, not you!  And you're at home wondering what his active FB messenger means  - come on, wake up!

I think this was a rebound for you because you are emotionally unavailable after the breakdown of your marriage.  Now you want what you can't have.  I mean is there anyone more unavailable than a married man 3,000 miles away?  LOL NO.

Girl, you are living in a fantasy.  You guys struck up an improper relationship online and let your "unmet needs" do the talking.  Why are you adding married men on social media in the first place?  I think you were lonely and bored finding yourself single for the first time in many years, and went rooting around in the past.  My MIL did the same thing when she became widowed last year, started looking up old boyfriends to see if they were also widowed or dead LOL.  I wish I was joking.

Human nature is very predictable, we all want to believe in a soulmate but it's just the crap that Hallmark has been shilling to us over decades, it's fleeting and temporary.  True love is selfless, it doesn't sow discord in this way, it means loving when we don't feel like it.  Agape.  You are involving yourself in a marriage that has NO place for you - it is not your business.  Often times when we act lovingly the feelings follow - if we all acted lovingly only when we felt like it we'd ALL be caught up in affairs trying to get our "needs met."  

Now you're swaying chaotically all over the place, going from you want to contact him in two weeks, tell his wife, call a psychic, whatever it takes to make you "feel" good again.  I feel the anxiety through the pages, the uncertainty in your life, the pain.  This is what happens when you allow your heart to go places it doesn't belong.  

 

 

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, Allupinnit said:

You started this thread back in July.  So nearly 5 months ago (and by then it was almost a year going) and you're no closer to getting what you want from this guy who is not only 3,000 miles away but has now put you on ice to "calm things down" with his wife.  Does that sound like the love of the ages?!  He has no kids, what's the holdup after all this time?  He's about to spend Christmas and NYE with his wife, not you!  And you're at home wondering what his active FB messenger means  - come on, wake up!

I think this was a rebound for you because you are emotionally unavailable after the breakdown of your marriage.  Now you want what you can't have.  I mean is there anyone more unavailable than a married man 3,000 miles away?  LOL NO.

Girl, you are living in a fantasy.  You guys struck up an improper relationship online and let your "unmet needs" do the talking.  Why are you adding married men on social media in the first place?  I think you were lonely and bored finding yourself single for the first time in many years, and went rooting around in the past.  My MIL did the same thing when she became widowed last year, started looking up old boyfriends to see if they were also widowed or dead LOL.  I wish I was joking.

Human nature is very predictable, we all want to believe in a soulmate but it's just the crap that Hallmark has been shilling to us over decades, it's fleeting and temporary.  True love is selfless, it doesn't sow discord in this way, it means loving when we don't feel like it.  Agape.  You are involving yourself in a marriage that has NO place for you - it is not your business.  Often times when we act lovingly the feelings follow - if we all acted lovingly only when we felt like it we'd ALL be caught up in affairs trying to get our "needs met."  

Now you're swaying chaotically all over the place, going from you want to contact him in two weeks, tell his wife, call a psychic, whatever it takes to make you "feel" good again.  I feel the anxiety through the pages, the uncertainty in your life, the pain.  This is what happens when you allow your heart to go places it doesn't belong.  

 

 

This was not a rebound in anyway. Pandemic boredom and connecting with people that I had on my social media for years and never said a peep too that is how we got talking. He was not added to my social.media had been on  it since 2009 and He was never an old boy friend not even close. Yes I got messed up with him.and  for the past 18 months it was a crazy ride. People do fall into things. And I have been all over the place working through my feelings and many have helped me the past 12 days especially.  I'm certain he will have a lovely holiday with the wife after learning he has chested on her.  oh and perhaps loving someone when you don't feel like is better suited for the wife this case who neglects her husband at every chance... hmmm no wonder he fell for me. 

Thanks for the support though and I gag at hallmark

Edited December 1, 2021 by Myabee

[Crazelnut]

7 hours ago, Myabee said:

I would be firm and not allow anything but a friendly hello now and again. It's more complicated then you guys realize.

No, you wouldn't. You would start that way, but I guarantee it will escalate. If you can't even stay away from him after all the awful things he's said and done, there is no way you'll put up boundaries when you reinitiate contact. But even more to the point, you should not be "friends" with a former affair partner. It never works because there are always residual feelings. And it is completely inappropriate for you to be friends with HER husband. Just ...no.

And by the way, it isn't complicated at all. Your mess is so simple. You fell for a selfish cake eater who is playing you by the book. This is not a special, complicated, unique affair. Even down to him throwing you under the bus on D Day then leaving you hanging with a vague promise. By. The. Book.

[Myabee]

6 hours ago, Crazelnut said:

No, you wouldn't. You would start that way, but I guarantee it will escalate. If you can't even stay away from him after all the awful things he's said and done, there is no way you'll put up boundaries when you reinitiate contact. But even more to the point, you should not be "friends" with a former affair partner. It never works because there are always residual feelings. And it is completely inappropriate for you to be friends with HER husband. Just ...no.

And by the way, it isn't complicated at all. Your mess is so simple. You fell for a selfish cake eater who is playing you by the book. This is not a special, complicated, unique affair. Even down to him throwing you under the bus on D Day then leaving you hanging with a vague promise. By. The. Book.

If you think I'm too stupid to realize this then you are very wrong. I do realize it yet it does not mean the pain is any less. We did make a deep friendship connection and it got out of hand! That's all that went on here and it's time to move on. 

[BlindsidedTwice]

1 hour ago, Myabee said:

it's time to move on

It sounds like you know this. You might just be in a bargaining stage of grief.

I grieved the loss of my friendship with my xAP too. I thought we cared so deeply about each other. It took me a really long time to be able to see otherwise. We were not friends. We were helping each other cheat. What friends do that?

Myabee, I think it’s okay to bounce around ideas. When you post them here, you’ll get some backlash because, let’s be real, they aren’t great ideas. But we all do this.

Finally, be gentle with yourself moving forward. If you need a psychic to calm you down a little, so be it. Just do not contact him. And when he does contact you, which he will, you will feel absolutely giddy. Feel it and then let it pass. Remember the extreme heartbreak this man has caused you. The more times you give into him, the worse the heartbreak gets. I promise. It’s horrible. You deserve better than that.

 

Edited to add: 

If you let someone walk in and out and in and out of your life, they will do it forever until you finally stop it. 

Edited December 1, 2021 by BlindsidedTwice

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, BlindsidedTwice said:

It sounds like you know this. You might just be in a bargaining stage of grief.

I grieved the loss of my friendship with my xAP too. I thought we cared so deeply about each other. It took me a really long time to be able to see otherwise. We were not friends. We were helping each other cheat. What friends do that?

Myabee, I think it’s okay to bounce around ideas. When you post them here, you’ll get some backlash because, let’s be real, they aren’t great ideas. But we all do this.

Finally, be gentle with yourself moving forward. If you need a psychic to calm you down a little, so be it. Just do not contact him. And when he does contact you, which he will, you will feel absolutely giddy. Feel it and then let it pass. Remember the extreme heartbreak this man has caused you. The more times you give into him, the worse the heartbreak gets. I promise. It’s horrible. You deserve better than that.

 

Edited to add: 

If you let someone walk in and out and in and out of your life, they will do it forever until you finally stop it. 

Blind.... You have been absolutely fantastic in seeing and feeling my pain. I realize it's from your own personal experience. Thank you for this post.  Yes I know I appear a touch looney at the moment and i admit I have not reached acceptance. Acceptance is key here and working the stages of grief in my mind is the best way to move on to a healthier mindset and emotional freedom that's needed here. xx I appreciate you