do they actually leave?

[stillafool]

Just now, Myabee said:

Well yes but it would be a challenge at his age to do just what he does now and he was not ready to leave that regardless of her. His education could get him a job in a similar field 

Given the fact that you would be there for financial back up and him getting to be with the love of his life this was a fabulous offer.  It's not like he's got a long career road ahead of him anyway at his age.  This was ideal for the situation; if he really did want to be with you he would have jumped at your offers.

[Myabee]

4 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Given the fact that you would be there for financial back up and him getting to be with the love of his life this was a fabulous offer.  It's not like he's got a long career road ahead of him anyway at his age.  This was ideal for the situation; if he really did want to be with you he would have jumped at your offers.

That's a good way to look at it. Also I recall him saying after I said you are afraid I wont measure up in a long term marriage like she the wife did? He said yes. You see he is about comfort he's a Taurus man they are typically by nature so afraid of change... shes a Taurus too. Good roommates  but much lacking if anything he said was true.  My bet now is she will be preforming duty sexual stuff so he stays. In my opinion. Pathetic. I can do much better. 

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Myabee said:

That's a good way to look at it. Also I recall him saying after I said you are afraid I wont measure up in a long term marriage like she the wife did? He said yes. You see he is about comfort he's a Taurus man they are typically by nature so afraid of change

Or he was just being honest about not being sure you'd measure up to his wife.  

[Myabee]

8 hours ago, basil67 said:

Or he was just being honest about not being sure you'd measure up to his wife.  

I'm pretty sure he was referring to the longevity of being a good roomate. He is 100% conflict avoidant and it sounds as though she is too. Guess what? Zero conflict in a marriage is very unhealthy. Just as much as way to much conflict. Communication, honesty are key none of which is going on in his scernerio and I am willing to wager my favorite Christmas grinch mug on that Engaging and communicating shows passion and desire. He is ok with rolling over in a sexless bed to be her doormat.  

[czanclus]

14 hours ago, stillafool said:

Given the fact that you would be there for financial back up and him getting to be with the love of his life this was a fabulous offer.  It's not like he's got a long career road ahead of him anyway at his age.  This was ideal for the situation; if he really did want to be with you he would have jumped at your offers.

Good observation, if quite disappointing. I totally relate with the frustration when the solution is from all givens a straight-forward one, and yet, the subject, like a Sim with expired task command, spins in circles mumbling 'pizza time'... and browsing his Facebook Messenger in midnight zombie state of mind. Small humans that should be put before a shrinking laser and then, so compacted, sent off into a dollhouse village in the inner core layers of a remote planet. 

[Myabee]

47 minutes ago, czanclus said:

Good observation, if quite disappointing. I totally relate with the frustration when the solution is from all givens a straight-forward one, and yet, the subject, like a Sim with expired task command, spins in circles mumbling 'pizza time'... and browsing his Facebook Messenger in midnight zombie state of mind. Small humans that should be put before a shrinking laser and then, so compacted, sent off into a dollhouse village in the inner core layers of a remote planet. 

You just cracked me up 

[vla1120]

17 hours ago, Myabee said:

In my opinion. Pathetic. I can do much better. 

That's my opinion, too. You can do SO much better. Give yourself the time you need to get over him. I know the holidays will be hard, but focus on you and your kids. Stay angry at him, if that helps. He's a coward who lied to you, used you and bowed down to his supposedly controlling wife as soon as the water got too hot. That's not the type of man you want as your partner. I'm glad you are seeing a therapist. Take this time to focus on yourself and all the good things about YOU that you like and falling in love with YOURSELF in place of him - so that you never fall for the wrong guy again! (I know, because I've fallen for and married the wrong guy TWICE and now I am working on liking myself enoug that I don't allow that to ever happen again!) This too shall pass. OH, and as much as you would like to tell the wife, don't feel obligated to do so. All it will do is bring the drama back to your doorstep. You don't need that.

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, vla1120 said:

That's my opinion, too. You can do SO much better. Give yourself the time you need to get over him. I know the holidays will be hard, but focus on you and your kids. Stay angry at him, if that helps. He's a coward who lied to you, used you and bowed down to his supposedly controlling wife as soon as the water got too hot. That's not the type of man you want as your partner. I'm glad you are seeing a therapist. Take this time to focus on yourself and all the good things about YOU that you like and falling in love with YOURSELF in place of him - so that you never fall for the wrong guy again! (I know, because I've fallen for and married the wrong guy TWICE and now I am working on liking myself enoug that I don't allow that to ever happen again!) This too shall pass. OH, and as much as you would like to tell the wife, don't feel obligated to do so. All it will do is bring the drama back to your doorstep. You don't need that.

Thanks. I am in and out of angry and sad but it's funny day 11 in and I'm starting to over come the not missing texts. The wife can happily keep this one as nothing special here. Interesting thing my therapist pointed out recently it seems I attract men who have had daddy issues Then she said if and when you have a new partner ask " How is your relationship with your dad"?  I literally cracked up because it hit a funny bone however she is soo right. lol. 

[vla1120]

1 minute ago, Myabee said:

Thanks. I am in and out of angry and sad but it's funny day 11 in and I'm starting to over come the not missing texts. The wife can happily keep this one as nothing special here. Interesting thing my therapist pointed out recently it seems I attract men who have had daddy issues Then she said if and when you have a new partner ask " How is your relationship with your dad"?  I literally cracked up because it hit a funny bone however she is soo right. lol. 

I agree that he's nothing special! I tend to attract men who need/want to be taken care of. My therapist just recently gave me a (comical) list of questions for any future potential partners, too. I don't remember all of it, but I also laughed when she said a few of the things. I remember one was "Can you cut your own meat at the dinner table?" along with other things like "Do you have your own job with health insurance?" Ugh. At this point, I am afraid to even think of dating. I'm 0 for 2. 

Take care of yourself!

[Myabee]

24 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

I agree that he's nothing special! I tend to attract men who need/want to be taken care of. My therapist just recently gave me a (comical) list of questions for any future potential partners, too. I don't remember all of it, but I also laughed when she said a few of the things. I remember one was "Can you cut your own meat at the dinner table?" along with other things like "Do you have your own job with health insurance?" Ugh. At this point, I am afraid to even think of dating. I'm 0 for 2. 

Take care of yourself!

I'm finally finding some laughter today. It's amazing how having a cool therapist can be. The thing is, This guy really convinced me he was special and unique. Now tomorrow I might be crying again thinking that that is true yet I know most likely it was all a lie. I have to try to remember that while I work through the process of acceptance of this entire situation.     

[vla1120]

14 minutes ago, Myabee said:

Now tomorrow I might be crying again thinking that that is true yet I know most likely it was all a lie.

^^^This is true....

14 minutes ago, Myabee said:

yet I know most likely it was all a lie. I have to try to remember that while I work through the process of acceptance of this entire situation.     

....but you will be OKAY as long as you remember this.^^^

Hugs!

[Myabee]

3 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

^^^This is true....

....but you will be OKAY as long as you remember this.^^^

Hugs!

Yeah Just need to ride the waves zooom

[Myabee]

6 hours ago, Myabee said:

Yeah Just need to ride the waves zooom

 

6 hours ago, Myabee said:

Yeah Just need to ride the waves zooom

This is the worst pain I have ever felt. It does creep up bad before bed. His voice I hear it over and over.His eyes I see them. The good night I love you''s. I know it get's better however right now it feel's  awful.

Edited November 30, 2021 by Myabee
Wording

[Myabee]

5 hours ago, jasperthomas said:

What I understood after reading this is that he will not leave any of you. He wants both of you to be in his life. His wife may be because of some needs and you because of his feelings.

Hi. Thank you for taking the time to read this thread. Well he has left me. Apparently so I am told by him the wife found out on Nov 19.. she went through his phone. It was left that he would reach out at some point once he figures things out. Clearly that is most likely not happening. He either truly got caught and saved face or he made it all up to get away from me. This was so abrupt and now I am just going through the motions to try to move forward.  

[vla1120]

11 hours ago, Myabee said:

 

This is the worst pain I have ever felt. It does creep up bad before bed. His voice I hear it over and over.His eyes I see them. The good night I love you''s. I know it get's better however right now it feel's  awful.

Do you write in a journal? In my most difficult times (staying after infidelity, then divorcing him, then remarriage to the wrong man, leaving him (twice), then coming back to see him through the end, then his death) I have written my thoughts and feelings down. It helped me seeing them in black and white. I would also write out every possible scenario, the "what if's" and the pros/cons, etc. to help me analyze the situation and come to the realization that my decisions were what was best, even if it didn't feel like it at the time. Maybe during those difficult times at night, you could start writing to yourself. 
 
 

[Myabee]

4 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

Do you write in a journal? In my most difficult times (staying after infidelity, then divorcing him, then remarriage to the wrong man, leaving him (twice), then coming back to see him through the end, then his death) I have written my thoughts and feelings down. It helped me seeing them in black and white. I would also write out every possible scenario, the "what if's" and the pros/cons, etc. to help me analyze the situation and come to the realization that my decisions were what was best, even if it didn't feel like it at the time. Maybe during those difficult times at night, you could start writing to yourself. 
 
 

I have not written in a journal about this but thats not a bad idea. I have been using the thread I created in coping section that helps some as does posting here.  

[glows]

I strongly recommend journaling if only to record and see patterns in your thoughts. You can express all your fears, worries, aspirations without inhibition and see where certain areas concern you the most or preoccupy your thoughts the most. From there, change is possible. You can choose to redirect your energy or thoughts to other areas or cease ways of thinking that harm you or are self-destructive or prevent you from moving forwards. 

Edited November 30, 2021 by glows

[Allupinnit]

Just keep reminding yourself that if you go back or allow him any sort of avenue back into your life the pain starts allll over again and probably even worse the next time around.

You keep mentioning that he said he'd get back in touch at some point once things "calm down."  I feel like you are secretly hoping for that. DON'T DO IT.  It is the pull of the intermittent nature of affairs that keeps you hanging on like this, any crumbs he might toss your way.  

Give yourself a year.  I know it sounds like forever but if you grieve now, in a year you will have a completely different perspective on this whole situation and see this affair for what it really was, without your feelings in the way.

 

[Myabee]

36 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

Just keep reminding yourself that if you go back or allow him any sort of avenue back into your life the pain starts allll over again and probably even worse the next time around.

You keep mentioning that he said he'd get back in touch at some point once things "calm down."  I feel like you are secretly hoping for that. DON'T DO IT.  It is the pull of the intermittent nature of affairs that keeps you hanging on like this, any crumbs he might toss your way.  

Give yourself a year.  I know it sounds like forever but if you grieve now, in a year you will have a completely different perspective on this whole situation and see this affair for what it really was, without your feelings in the way.

 

I'm struggling terribly with him leaving it open ended. I still have significant feelings.90% of all conversations we had were about sports, politics, family issues not marriages more sibling and parent stuff as well as remembering stuff about our old home town... very platonic in nature the kind of stuff a spouse could see in a text from a male or female. So this was way more then some chemistry and anything sexual. I really enjoyed his take on all of the above. And yes while married I have had other very platonic male friends with no issue. Of course lines were crossed and that killed of the platonic nature of things... Do you understand? This started as an old friendship bond continued that way then got all 100% messy!

Edited November 30, 2021 by Myabee

[Allupinnit]

7 minutes ago, Myabee said:

I'm struggling terribly with him leaving it open ended. I still have significant feelings.90% of all conversations we had were about sports, politics, family issues not marriages more sibling and parent stuff as well as remembering stuff about our old home town... very platonic in nature the kind of stuff a spouse could see in a text from a male or female. So this was way more then some chemistry and anything sexual. I really enjoyed his take on all of the above. And yes while married I have had other very platonic male friends with no issue. Of course lines were crossed and that killed of the platonic nature of things... Do you understand? This started as an old friendship bond continued that way then got all 100% messy!

He left that little crack open on purpose.  And you know what?  Given the chance he probably WILL be back.  But of course, just for more of the same.  Only you can decide when you've had enough of the mental and emotional torture.

 

[Myabee]

16 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

He left that little crack open on purpose.  And you know what?  Given the chance he probably WILL be back.  But of course, just for more of the same.  Only you can decide when you've had enough of the mental and emotional torture.

 

Yup.... or he just said that he left that crack open and was lying as a ploy to get rid of me which if that is the case, it hurts even more. I have concluded that she probably did find out because our exchanges in the 2 days prior were good and we had a great face-time that Wed and were in touch via text all day Thursday. Unless he was feeling like it was all getting to close and lied about her finding out then blocked me. However that does not sound like him he liked being in touch. 

Edited November 30, 2021 by Myabee

[Allupinnit]

1 hour ago, Myabee said:

Yup.... or he just said that he left that crack open and was lying as a ploy to get rid of me which if that is the case, it hurts even more. I have concluded that she probably did find out because our exchanges in the 2 days prior were good and we had a great face-time that Wed and were in touch via text all day Thursday. Unless he was feeling like it was all getting to close and lied about her finding out then blocked me. However that does not sound like him he liked being in touch. 

I bet she did find out.  And has forced him to block him everywhere.  Good for her - that's the only way they can even think about trying to reconcile.  

Because affairs are so addicting he will probably be back having driven the affair even further underground to keep her off his scent.  Don't buy into it.  You're lucky she hasn't come banging down your door.

Look I know it hurts - breakups are the worst.  I'd rather break a physical bone.  But speaking to him will only alleviate the pain for a little while, it is never enough, you HAVE to go cold turkey.  He's not yours. 

Edited November 30, 2021 by Allupinnit

[Myabee]

21 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

I bet she did find out.  And has forced him to block him everywhere.  Good for her - that's the only way they can even think about trying to reconcile.  

Because affairs are so addicting he will probably be back having driven the affair even further underground to keep her off his scent.  Don't buy into it.  You're lucky she hasn't come banging down your door.

Look I know it hurts - breakups are the worst.  I'd rather break a physical bone.  But speaking to him will only alleviate the pain for a little while, it is never enough, you HAVE to go cold turkey.  He's not yours. 

I really get what your saying. Just very suspicious of the fact that he is on FB so much... a man that was just caught in an affair is still on fb where the whole thing started? Let me ask u this. I know I am a pain,  but this is literally killing me. Suppose since I am not the type that deals with open ended closure well , meaning more  so making my own, Say I give it until mid to end Dec to reach out just with a hey. Kinda ask where he is at. Not argue, name call or anything ask how things are going. See what he has to say... he said he needed space I think over a month of space is plenty enough as to if he wants me in his life even as just a future friend. I selfishly admit I need closure! 

[RebeccaR]

Just now, Myabee said:

I really get what your saying. Just very suspicious of the fact that he is on FB so much... a man that was just caught in an affair is still on fb where the whole thing started? Let me ask u this. I know I am a pain,  but this is literally killing me. Suppose since I am not the type that deals with open ended closure well , meaning more  so making my own, Say I give it until mid to end Dec to reach out just with a hey. Kinda ask where he is at. Not argue, name call or anything ask how things are going. See what he has to say... he said he needed space I think over a month of space is plenty enough as to if he wants me in his life even as just a future friend. I selfishly admit I need closure! 

He might keep you blocked for a while and reach out in 6 months or a year. Or longer. I don’t recommend you reach out. As Allupunnit says, if he does choose to resume, it will be for more of the same. And you can’t be friends with him - you will always be wanting that romantic relationship. Take this opportunity to detox (which if you’re lucky will take about a year) and do things for yourself. I promise that once you and MM are back in touch, you will be back on the same rollercoaster. And closure isn’t a thing. 

[stillafool]

4 minutes ago, Myabee said:

I selfishly admit I need closure! 

What does closure look like to you?