do they actually leave?

[basil67]

7 hours ago, Myabee said:

I might actually do that within a few weeks ot may not! On the fence there. 

Do you have the emotional strength to cope if she were to go nuts at you?   Shouting, blaming, protecting of her husband or even revenge?

[Myabee]

8 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Do you have the emotional strength to cope if she were to go nuts at you?   Shouting, blaming, protecting of her husband or even revenge?

I do not think she would pull the revenge card and sure let her shout away. Let her protect and stay in denial... I have enough evidence if she needs it. But I really would not offer that unless asked and I would not name call I would let her scream, vent, ask any question and so forth. My gut tells me she has NO idea and this was a ploy by him. If he could lie to her he can lie  to me.

Edited November 27, 2021 by Myabee

[basil67]

The whole 'scorned other woman' thing really isn't a good look though.  

Edited to add: I hope that the 'home truths' you deliver would include that you went into the affair knowing he was married. And that you represent yourself as a  willing participant in hurting and deceiving her.

Of course, I'd have a very different view if he had hidden his marriage from you.

Edited November 27, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

The whole 'scorned other woman' thing really isn't a good look though.  

Edited to add: I hope that the 'home truths' you deliver would include that you went into the affair knowing he was married. And that you represent yourself as a  willing participant in hurting and deceiving her.

Of course, I'd have a very different view if he had hidden his marriage from you.

It's not so much scorned, It more or less knowing the truth here. 

[Myabee]

18 hours ago, Myabee said:

It's not so much scorned, It more or less knowing the truth here. 

So tomorrow I see my therapist in the morning. I feel like  thank goodness I have her to share with. I'm going to get as much feedback from her as possible about this gut feeling that the wife never found a thing. I'm a pretty smart woman and seeing as though this MM and I started our affair on fB messenger his time on there since d day is pretty astounding. For a man who's wife knows of the last 18 months one in which can have no contact with me yet plays on his fb app I smell complete bs. I feel like I need to know the truth here to move on. 

[Crazelnut]

It doesn't matter if the wife found out or not. Your "best friend" and beloved AP threw you under the bus. What more is there to ponder and discuss. You were given the gift of clarity -- accept it and stop obsessing over this man. 

[BlindsidedTwice]

What is your honest reason for potentially wanting to tell the wife?

Do you think it’ll split them up for real? Do you want revenge on him for what he did to you? Do you miss the excitement and drama of the affair? Do you truly believe she deserves to know? And if so, why do you only believe that at times when he’s hurt you? You were his secret partner in crime for 18 months and you didn’t care about her knowing the truth then. Be honest with yourself at least.

[Myabee]

14 minutes ago, Crazelnut said:

It doesn't matter if the wife found out or not. Your "best friend" and beloved AP threw you under the bus. What more is there to ponder and discuss. You were given the gift of clarity -- accept it and stop obsessing over this man. 

Clarity? He gave me no clarity as he went NC for now he needs space. Sorry I'm working through this.... 

[Myabee]

2 minutes ago, BlindsidedTwice said:

What is your honest reason for potentially wanting to tell the wife?

Do you think it’ll split them up for real? Do you want revenge on him for what he did to you? Do you miss the excitement and drama of the affair? Do you truly believe she deserves to know? And if so, why do you only believe that at times when he’s hurt you? You were his secret partner in crime for 18 months and you didn’t care about her knowing the truth then. Be honest with yourself at least.

Not to split them up at all. Yes I do believe she deserves to know. No! I do not miss any excitement... What I have missed was the truly platonic part between us that was present before the affair. 18 months of constant contact you do not get over that in 1 week!  

[BlindsidedTwice]

Just now, Myabee said:

Yes I do believe she deserves to know.

 

6 minutes ago, BlindsidedTwice said:

And if so, why do you only believe that at times when he’s hurt you? You were his secret partner in crime for 18 months and you didn’t care about her knowing the truth then.

Why did you not care about her deserving to know before having sex with her husband? 

[Myabee]

11 minutes ago, BlindsidedTwice said:

 

Why did you not care about her deserving to know before having sex with her husband? 

I guess I'm a horrible person then. I feel in love with her husband and it as wrong. None of this was right I know I was wrong. Now with this discovery he either lied to save face and she does not even know half of the truth... or he lied and she has no clue. I would like to know the truth here and My bet she would too. It's confusing. Would you want to know if your spouse was doing this kind of stuff?  

[BlindsidedTwice]

9 minutes ago, Myabee said:

I guess I'm a horrible person then.

Doing something horrible doesn’t make you a horrible person.

Edited to add: I know this is easier advice to give than to accept! I am still trying to accept this about myself. 

Edited November 28, 2021 by BlindsidedTwice

[Myabee]

Just now, BlindsidedTwice said:

Doing something horrible doesn’t make you a horrible person. 

Thanks.Some one posted a long while back that they did not feel my worse pain had come that was months back. They could not have been more correct because now is the worst pain ever.

[BlindsidedTwice]

11 minutes ago, Myabee said:

now is the worst pain ever

I’m so sorry you’re in pain Myabee. I know I give you tough love here, but it’s only because I’ve been in your shoes and the only way out of the pain is forward.

If it helps, I’m 10 months free from my xAP and I feel like a completely different person than I did back then. It was realllly hard for about 6 months. At 8 months, I blocked him for good, and it’s been [mostly] smooth sailing since. I’ve been working hard on self esteem and self love and healthy boundaries and being a safe person for the people I truly love.

Keep up the therapy and the NC. You won’t always feel this way.

 

Edited November 28, 2021 by BlindsidedTwice

[Myabee]

16 minutes ago, BlindsidedTwice said:

I’m so sorry you’re in pain Myabee. I know I give you tough love here, but it’s only because I’ve been in your shoes and the only way out of the pain is forward.

If it helps, I’m 10 months free from my xAP and I feel like a completely different person than I did back then. It was realllly hard for about 6 months. At 8 months, I blocked him for good, and it’s been [mostly] smooth sailing since. I’ve been working hard on self esteem and self love and healthy boundaries and being a safe person for the people I truly love.

Keep up the therapy and the NC. You won’t always feel this way.

 

This is so inspiring you go girl. I am happy to here you have come through to see the sunshine again. I do have much self improvement to do that I know. I do ask why would he leave it like this??: When he could have said I can't nor do I wish to speak to you ever again. This below leaves it open ended. Do you see what I mean? 

 

These are Married Man's words: *Attention mods just sharing what MM said* I'm sharing them for feedback here

If you want to believe me then believe me. You know I’m telling the truth. I’m not trying to hold onto anything and don’t know what’s going to happen with my marriage. I just want to make sure it doesn’t end suddenly in a fit of anger. All I’ve told her so far is that I ended it with you and broke off contact. I need that to be true for now. I don’t know what’s going to happen later. 

I’m not going to argue with you about how long it takes to end a twenty year marriage responsibly but it probably more than a few weeks. And I’m not promising anything one way or the other I don’t want to keep arguing with you. Please give me space and let me figure things out.

Edited November 28, 2021 by Myabee

[BlindsidedTwice]

Yes I see what you mean. It makes it more difficult to walk away when there is even a thread of hope.

My xAP left it open ended too. His final words to me were, “until we meet again.” I just finally chose to close it for good.

But it is hard to think in absolutes and forevers, especially when the wound is fresh. For now, just focus on getting through today. Then focus on getting through tomorrow. Soon you’ll be a week out. And then a month. Then 3 months. 6 months! 10 months! A year! And when you look back, you’ll be astounded and proud of yourself for how far you’ve come.

 

20 minutes ago, Myabee said:

I do have much self improvement to do that I know.

Focus on this. Self improvement. Self love. You deserve love. 

[Myabee]

13 minutes ago, BlindsidedTwice said:

Yes I see what you mean. It makes it more difficult to walk away when there is even a thread of hope.

My xAP left it open ended too. His final words to me were, “until we meet again.” I just finally chose to close it for good.

But it is hard to think in absolutes and forevers, especially when the wound is fresh. For now, just focus on getting through today. Then focus on getting through tomorrow. Soon you’ll be a week out. And then a month. Then 3 months. 6 months! 10 months! A year! And when you look back, you’ll be astounded and proud of yourself for how far you’ve come.

 

Focus on this. Self improvement. Self love. You deserve love. 

I agree it is about focusing on getting through the day. It's been over a week now and it's really day by day. Did your mm come back around again? 

[LynneVicious]

Mya

keep powering through and keep working with your therapist. I remember months ago, you said you would never ever tell his wife and that it was his job to deal with his wife. You were resolute with that. 

I don’t think you should act on emotions and regret something later. His wife deserves to know, but not from you, because it’s not coming from a kind, caring place. You only thought about telling her once it ended. 

This is standard operating procedure for many ow. And this mm was trying not to burn his bridge with you, by keeping it a bit open. That’s very selfish of him of course. It’s not fair to you because it keeps you holding on instead of moving forward. 

So what you need to do is end it finally with yourself and him by putting it all behind you. Whether you get clarity or not. It’s up to you to move past this with the tools you have. He won’t help because he is a fake eater and what’s everything. So put this to bed. Block and delete everything about him. His social media, pictures, whatever you have. Only then will you be able to move forward. 

[Crazelnut]

1 hour ago, Myabee said:

Clarity? He gave me no clarity as he went NC for now he needs space. Sorry I'm working through this.... 

Yes, clarity. The clarity to see his real lack of commitment to your relationship. He threw you under the bus and semi broke up with you. And the clarity to see where you stand in his list of priorities. Spoiler alert: you aren't first.

[Myabee]

28 minutes ago, LynneVicious said:

Mya

keep powering through and keep working with your therapist. I remember months ago, you said you would never ever tell his wife and that it was his job to deal with his wife. You were resolute with that. 

I don’t think you should act on emotions and regret something later. His wife deserves to know, but not from you, because it’s not coming from a kind, caring place. You only thought about telling her once it ended. 

This is standard operating procedure for many ow. And this mm was trying not to burn his bridge with you, by keeping it a bit open. That’s very selfish of him of course. It’s not fair to you because it keeps you holding on instead of moving forward. 

So what you need to do is end it finally with yourself and him by putting it all behind you. Whether you get clarity or not. It’s up to you to move past this with the tools you have. He won’t help because he is a fake eater and what’s everything. So put this to bed. Block and delete everything about him. His social media, pictures, whatever you have. Only then will you be able to move forward. 

He blocked me everywhere so thats all good. I did not get rid of pics and video evidence and texts from him as I guess I was saving that incase i needed evidence. At the end of the day, I probably don't have it in me to tell her anyway good chance it's true she found out. Him literally crying on phone Friday the 19th and saying how much he loves me made me smile and cry all in one. I guess I could put a positive spin on this and keep it at someone out there loves me truly for all of my qualities. That I am a great person and that is a warm feeling. Leaving it at that seems pleasant. Now for me to believe in myself more. 

[Myabee]

25 minutes ago, Crazelnut said:

Yes, clarity. The clarity to see his real lack of commitment to your relationship. He threw you under the bus and semi broke up with you. And the clarity to see where you stand in his list of priorities. Spoiler alert: you aren't first.

Yes I'm not first. Saving his life and roof over his head is first. Thinking of himself is first. I have never been first and will never put that myself in the scenario again. If only he had just said I don't want you in my life anymore I don't love you it would be just like a regular relationship breakup that you stew over with chocolates and tissues for a bit. This was never normal because it was forbidden to begin with. I ate the forbidden fruit! Shame on me. 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Myabee said:

Saving his life and roof over his head is first.

But don't forget you were going to provide these things for him.  There's another reason that he didn't make you a priority.

[Myabee]

16 minutes ago, stillafool said:

But don't forget you were going to provide these things for him.  There's another reason that he didn't make you a priority.

Yes... however his career hard to find in my area and he really enjoys that. In the end he isxa coward the coward  saw all along.

[stillafool]

6 minutes ago, Myabee said:

Yes... however his career hard to find in my area and he really enjoys that

Yes but didn't you also have a solution for this?  I thought I read where you said he could easily work ..............

[Myabee]

7 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Yes but didn't you also have a solution for this?  I thought I read where you said he could easily work ..............

Well yes but it would be a challenge at his age to do just what he does now and he was not ready to leave that regardless of her. His education could get him a job in a similar field. Oh and of course he is signed into messenger again...  hmmm... trying to fix his marriage but playing in fb. Hey guess what... I got taken badly. Should i just laugh???

Edited November 29, 2021 by Myabee