do they actually leave?

[RebeccaR]

Just now, Myabee said:

I think a real hard part of this is being thrown in the trash! Just thrown out like I never mattered at all.

he may not have a choice if his wife is insisting on no contact. Also, he might have felt the same when you blocked him and refused his messages. Go on the assumption that he did actually care about you, but due to life circumstances you have to be apart.

[stillafool]

20 hours ago, Myabee said:

I know. It's the connection I miss and I love him... just going through all the emotions  The holidays make this worse 

What are you doing to keep your mind off of him?  

[Myabee]

7 hours ago, RebeccaR said:

he may not have a choice if his wife is insisting on no contact. Also, he might have felt the same when you blocked him and refused his messages. Go on the assumption that he did actually care about you, but due to life circumstances you have to be apart.

True... if it's even true that she knows? I blocked him on my phone but then just got a new number. Had taken him off my fb but not blocked. By Monday I was blocked by him on fb and messenger. Now his add friend buttton is gone only message but but appears to be set to only receive messages from friends. I stopped looking at that as of yesterday.  

 

One of the final things he wrote as well as All I told her so far was that I broke it off with you and went no contact. 

I’m not going to argue with you about how long it takes to end a twenty year marriage responsibly but it probably more than a few weeks. And I’m not promising anything one way or the other.

He also said at some point when the dust settles he will reach out. 

 

Edited November 26, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
gatekeeping

[Myabee]

18 minutes ago, stillafool said:

What are you doing to keep your mind off of him?  

Anything and all I can yet he is still on my mind. Way to much reminds me of him. 18 months of 24/7 daily contact was enough to do some pretty good emotional damage.

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, Myabee said:

Anything and all I can yet he is still on my mind. Way to much reminds me of him. 18 months of 24/7 daily contact was enough to do some pretty good emotional damage.

You have to redirect your thoughts.  I don't think talking about him 12 hours a day is helping you at this point.  I don't even think discussing him with a therapist is helpful to you either.  You need to be out and about in the sunshine and out of the house.  You need to be involved in something else.

[BlindsidedTwice]

8 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I don't think talking about him 12 hours a day is helping you at this point.

I was just going to say something similar. 

Sometimes being on LS keeps my brain in affair-mode. I’m reading about them and thinking about them and writing about my own... I’m just filled with affair type content.

While self analyzing is definitely super important, we need to try to live in reality. 

Myabee, what specifically are you doing to try to redirect your thoughts? Exercising? Baking cookies? Reading a thrilling book? Painting? Calling a friend? Find concrete things to do. 

A long time ago, a friend of mine was recovering from alcoholism and she told me she hadn’t looked at the clouds in years, and when she finally looked at them, they were just so beautiful. I always think about that. Myabee, have you looked at the clouds today? Are they beautiful where you are?

Edited November 26, 2021 by BlindsidedTwice

[RebeccaR]

22 minutes ago, Myabee said:

He also said at some point when the dust settles he will reach out. 

This isn’t doing you any favors, sorry to say. Better to assume it’s 100% over.

[stillafool]

4 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

This isn’t doing you any favors, sorry to say. Better to assume it’s 100% over.

I agree because most times MM say that after breaking up to soften the blow when they know they don't plan to resume the affair.  They move on to someone new or finally stop cheating.

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

You have to redirect your thoughts.  I don't think talking about him 12 hours a day is helping you at this point.  I don't even think discussing him with a therapist is helpful to you either.  You need to be out and about in the sunshine and out of the house.  You need to be involved in something else.

I'm the type of person who needs to work through all angles until I have exhausted myself to move forward. Holding stuff in is not my game and therapy has taught me that. Through that process will allow changed thoughts. I can love someone out of my brain at the moment. Sorry if we don't share the same though process here. As for sunshine and getting out... two problems with that today... its freezing rain... Also i live in a major covid hot spot so in public is not happening until i get my up coming booster. I have asthma so would not be good for me to catch. I have plenty of tree decorating to finish my tree is 16 feet tall 

[glows]

I don't see the benefit of holding anything in, personally speaking. I think it's a good thing that you're talking things out but there seems to be a pattern of indignation or upset, followed by then missing him, then you reaching out or slowly opening avenues again to somehow get back in contact with him. It seems to last a fraction of a second where you feel ok communicating with him and things are fine with you two even though you may be slightly unsettled.

Then he does something (yet again) that bothers you and you get upset all over again and angry that he's a liar. As some have pointed out he's been a liar from day 1 but you're only upset that he's a liar when things aren't going smoothly between the two of you. You've repeated this pattern several times in the past few months. The latest issue is his wife possibly knowing and you might have been worried about it or feeling sick about it. It keeps you hooked in one way or another whether it's good or bad and what is more painful is telling yourself mentally in a repetitive way that this is love. Is it? For this amount of pain and confusion and feeling like a side piece, being with a liar - is it love? Or is it some other variation? That's up to you. There's no right or wrong way of going about letting go but the surest and quickest way of doing so is not to do the same thing over and over again. 

No one is perfect so there's some trial and error especially where there are emotions involved. I hope you can see this pattern and break that cycle permanently.

[Myabee]

5 minutes ago, glows said:

I don't see the benefit of holding anything in, personally speaking. I think it's a good thing that you're talking things out but there seems to be a pattern of indignation or upset, followed by then missing him, then you reaching out or slowly opening avenues again to somehow get back in contact with him. It seems to last a fraction of a second where you feel ok communicating with him and things are fine with you two even though you may be slightly unsettled.

Then he does something (yet again) that bothers you and you get upset all over again and angry that he's a liar. As some have pointed out he's been a liar from day 1 but you're only upset that he's a liar when things aren't going smoothly between the two of you. You've repeated this pattern several times in the past few months. The latest issue is his wife possibly knowing and you might have been worried about it or feeling sick about it. It keeps you hooked in one way or another whether it's good or bad and what is more painful is telling yourself mentally in a repetitive way that this is love. Is it? For this amount of pain and confusion and feeling like a side piece, being with a liar - is it love? Or is it some other variation? That's up to you. There's no right or wrong way of going about letting go but the surest and quickest way of doing so is not to do the same thing over and over again. 

No one is perfect so there's some trial and error especially where there are emotions involved. I hope you can see this pattern and break that cycle permanently.

It was not a sustainable affair to begin with. I miss my best friend the most. After all of this craziness I'd be perfectly thankful to have that back one day and leave it as such. 

[BaileyB]

26 minutes ago, Myabee said:

I miss my best friend the most.

He was not truly your best friend though. A best friend would have your best interest at heart. And, he simply didn’t or he wouldn’t have involved you in this way, mislead you, offered false promises, and failed to follow through on the promises he made.

You miss the relationship you thought you had with him. In time, you will understand and accept what I’m saying to be true - when you find someone else with whom you will be able to share an intimate relationship AND will treat you with respect and honesty. Someone with whom you can trust because they say what they mean and mean what they say. 

[Myabee]

29 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

He was not truly your best friend though. A best friend would have your best interest at heart. And, he simply didn’t or he wouldn’t have involved you in this way, mislead you, offered false promises, and failed to follow through on the promise he made.

You miss the relationship you thought you had with him. In time, you will understand and accept what I’m saying to be true - when you find someone else with whom you will be able to share an intimate relationship AND will treat you with respect and honesty. Someone with whom you can trust because they say what they mean and mean what they say. 

He never promised to leave so really no false promises were made. His lying to his wife is 100% wrong that part not cool. But you don't know the true nature of the whole thing we both tried to keep it at best friends we enjoyed talking and texting about normal things. But because of the attraction it got all messed up. I am not man hunting now and was not then... still in process of the messier side of divorce division of assets and it's not been fun. Luckily i have a good lawyer.  I just you just don't understand me here.

Edited November 26, 2021 by Myabee

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Myabee said:

It was not a sustainable affair to begin with. I miss my best friend the most. After all of this craziness I'd be perfectly thankful to have that back one day and leave it as such. 

I really hope you realize by now that this guy was not your best friend.  Best friends don't drop you like a hot potato, or hide you from their relatives.  You are part of their family and they yours.  At best he was your secret pen pal who you had sex with.

Edited November 26, 2021 by stillafool

[BaileyB]

Mya, it’s very inappropriate for you to be “best friends” with another woman’s husband. It’s bizarre that you would even think to do so. And, it’s disrespectful for him to do this to his wife and frankly, also to you. Healthy relationships have boundaries and they are built on respect, trust, honesty. You can’t say that he shown you any of these things in the way he has talked to you or treated you recently.  If you feel that he has given you these things then you have a different definition of what constitutes a healthy relationship than I do.

You can say what you will, but this was a very inappropriate relationship - even at the “friendship stage.” Otherwise known as an emotional affair. 

Edited November 26, 2021 by BaileyB

[Myabee]

14 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Mya, it’s very inappropriate for you to be “best friends” with another woman’s husband. It’s bizarre that you would even think to do so. And, it’s disrespectful for him to do this to his wife and frankly, also to you. Healthy relationships have boundaries and they are built on respect, trust, honesty. You can’t say that he shown you any of these things in the way he has talked to you or treated you recently.  If you feel that he has given you these things then you have a different definition of what constitutes a healthy relationship than I do.

You can say what you will, but this was a very inappropriate relationship - even at the “friendship stage.” Otherwise known as an emotional affair. 

Wait a sec! It did not even start out at an emotional affair... literally that came later on and we both fell into that. Of course none of it was healthy and it was issues within him and his marriage and in I and exiting mine that made it even more unhealthy. I do go to therapy and My therapist agreed. I was not born yesterday and know my role as well as his. I know many people who are females that have male very close friends that are married. I agree in my case boundaries were crossed. It would be great i guess if one day we could be good friends again. If not so be it. You need to realize these things take time for people if you don't mind me saying that. 

[glows]

It's inappropriate to have him as a best friend. That's where all the lines start to blur for you in this situation. If he's a best friend, you both can share experiences you wouldn't normally share with others. The term best friends is also a segway into other feelings like romantic feelings, being overly familiar with someone else's husband. You open the door to inappropriate behaviour and actions by viewing him as your best friend. There are no boundaries when it comes to having him as such so it becomes an umbrella term for everything else that's more than just a friend. Do you see how you keep tricking your mind into thinking this is more than what it is and why none of this is inappropriate to you?  

It makes it harder and harder for you to see that none of this should be happening in the first place. 

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, glows said:

It's inappropriate to have him as a best friend. That's where all the lines start to blur for you in this situation. If he's a best friend, you both can share experiences you wouldn't normally share with others. The term best friends is also a segway into other feelings like romantic feelings, being overly familiar with someone else's husband. You open the door to inappropriate behaviour and actions by viewing him as your best friend. There are no boundaries when it comes to having him as such so it becomes an umbrella term for everything else that's more than just a friend. Do you see how you keep tricking your mind into thinking this is more than what it is and why none of this is inappropriate to you?  

It makes it harder and harder for you to see that none of this should be happening in the first place. 

Now that we crossed all of those boundaries yes I see it. I guess I wish I could just erase it all in the sense that he was just the shy guy I new long ago and now it looks like he is gone for good. I don't think an OW exists however I would be willing to wager a bet that everything at home will remain the same with his spouse and he will be very vulnerable to another one of ME... Sadly he clearly is damaged goods and cowardly so he will save face with Wife and just go back to the status Quo! I guess I should ask myself why I would want that anyway? 

Edited November 26, 2021 by Myabee

[glows]

39 minutes ago, Myabee said:

Now that we crossed all of those boundaries yes I see it. I guess I wish I could just erase it all in the sense that he was just the shy guy I new long ago and now it looks like he is gone for good. I don't think an OW exists however I would be willing to wager a bet that everything at home will remain the same with his spouse and he will be very vulnerable to another one of ME... Sadly he clearly is damaged goods and cowardly so he will save face with Wife and just go back to the status Quo! I guess I should ask myself why I would want that anyway? 

He's opportunistic, lacking conscience. That in itself is why it may be good to ask why you would want "that" anyway, any part of that. Why break up another person's life and home? He filled your mind with a lot of ideas, negativity and downsides about his marriage, that you may have taken to because you were vulnerable. While you are here, he is blissfully enjoying his marriage with his wife.

I like to believe that a couple is blissful and never expect anything otherwise. It's none of my business, simply none. 

He could have cooked it all up because he's just destructive by nature and manipulative. That also undermines any thought of 'best friends'. Best friends don't introduce high drama and create behind the scenes, taboo scenarios that are at someone else's expense (his wife or spouse).

I think that if he cared just a fraction about you, he wouldn't drag you into any personal issues at home if they are real.

And if you cared about him as much as you say you do, you'd respect that he is still married and that familiarity with a married man is inappropriate to begin with. 

I don't think it matters whether he will be vulnerable to anyone. Someone like that vulnerable or not disregards any of it anyway, lacking conscience overall. 

[Myabee]

9 minutes ago, glows said:

's opportunistic, lacking conscience. That in itself is why it may be good to ask why you would want "that" anyway, any part of that. Why break up another person's life and home? He filled your mind with a lot of ideas, negativity and downsides about his marriage, that you may have taken to because you were vulnerable. While you are here, he is blissfully enjoying his marriage with his wife.

Opportunist I would agree but a sly one then because he did not come across that way at all. Blissful at home at the moment if it's true she did find out? I highly doubt it's anything but blissful D day was 7 days ago.  Regardless... The man has issues and they are no longer mine. 

[Myabee]

7 hours ago, S2B said:

Make sure it’s 100% over. Tell his wife.

I might actually do that within a few weeks ot may not! On the fence there. 

[Myabee]

So the posting and working through feelings and triggers is helpful. Those reaching out here on this thread and privately are offering outstanding pieces of info. I thank you all. I spent hours last evening identifying trigger points to get past the loss of 18 months of non stop communication. It's much like a smoker who is trying to quit. Say for example having that early morning coffee triggers the sensation to light up. So what does one do in that scenario, change it up. Do something different. Seems my trigger points happen about mid morning when the texting would start due to the time difference. What to do about that, stay off phone and do something else. Also in the early evening when I have wound down and the boredom sets in... again do something else.Read an article, post here, watch a movie, listen to happy music, open the door and let that cold air fill me up. Day by day little by little. This is not black and white and takes time and processing. I typed this because if it reaches just one person and helps... I will smile sooo big. xxxx to you all.   

Edited November 27, 2021 by Myabee

[glows]

3 hours ago, Myabee said:

So what does one do in that scenario, change it up. Do something different. Seems my trigger points happen about mid morning when the texting would start due to the time difference. What to do about that, stay off phone and do something else. Also in the early evening when I have wound down and the boredom sets in... again do something else.Read an article, post here, watch a movie, listen to happy music, open the door and let that cold air fill me up. Day by day little by little. 

Yes and remain loyal to that. That's you staying true to what you believe you deserve, which is much better than what was happening before. There will be more time for yourself too to explore new interests and return to your hobbies.

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, glows said:

Yes and remain loyal to that. That's you staying true to what you believe you deserve, which is much better than what was happening before. There will be more time for yourself too to explore new interests and return to your hobbies.

You may here me flip flop.... then all of a sudden you will finally here I won this battle in my head and got through it. This is how I work. We are all so different. xx

[catbestfriend]

6 hours ago, Myabee said:

I might actually do that within a few weeks ot may not! On the fence there. 

I don’t think you should consider reaching out to his wife at all. That would just be re-introducing intensity and drama while you’re actively trying to disengage from this situation. Just keep reminding yourself that he is no longer your problem and you no longer need to concern yourself with whatever is going on in his marriage. The best thing you can do for *all* parties in this situation is to keep moving forward and out of this mess. 

Try to move past the past, because it is just that and the way forward is to keep it moving. You have plenty of time to reflect and dissect how this all happened with trusted friends and your therapist, but best to do that once you’re out of this red zone. Even if it feels like you’re not getting closure now, doesn’t mean you can’t fund that for yourself in the future when things are a little less raw. 

Hope everyone’s been having a good holiday. 

Edited November 27, 2021 by catbestfriend