do they actually leave?

[stillafool]

25 minutes ago, Myabee said:

I know! Hard to let go. Not sure why part of me still loves him?????

You can't control the fact that you still love him but you can control your spying on him.  Know that he is seeking another's attention and use that info to push you forward.  As long as you continue to look back and check on him the more you'll stay stuck.   Your healing is in your hands.

[Daliah]

25 minutes ago, Myabee said:

I know! Hard to let go. Not sure why part of me still loves him?????

Part of you doesn’t love him Myabee, part of you still doesn’t want to believe that it was all horse manure because that would mean you were foolish to get involved in the first place. That’s not love, and I say this with care, it’s wrestling with cognitive dissonance…

[Myabee]

27 minutes ago, stillafool said:

You can't control the fact that you still love him but you can control your spying on him.  Know that he is seeking another's attention and use that info to push you forward.  As long as you continue to look back and check on him the more you'll stay stuck.   Your healing is in your hands.

I do not know for a fact that he has an OW. It really might be that the wife found out and he saved face.Either way it does not matter I need to let go... Just hurting.

[Myabee]

25 minutes ago, Daliah said:

Part of you doesn’t love him Myabee, part of you still doesn’t want to believe that it was all horse manure because that would mean you were foolish to get involved in the first place. That’s not love, and I say this with care, it’s wrestling with cognitive dissonance…

No D I actually feel in love with him. The thing I miss the most is the connection and the friendship part before the actual Affair began. 

[stillafool]

30 minutes ago, Myabee said:

I do not know for a fact that he has an OW. It really might be that the wife found out and he saved face.Either way it does not matter I need to let go... Just hurting.

Yeah I guess it was his wife he was messaging at 1:45AM.

[Myabee]

22 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Yeah I guess it was his wife he was messaging at 1:45AM.

Nah... I read u can appear on messanger if you are reading fb and not on that app. 

[czanclus]

4 hours ago, Myabee said:

I do use it for political posting and I am not deleting my entire life due to this sorry ass! I just woke up at 5:45 am east coast time. First thing I did was go under that account to prove my theory he is clearly more of a swine then I thought. As he was active 4 hours ago. That means at 1:45 am he was messaging someone? I was not born yesterday and I doubt it was any of his family because they are on the east coast and that is 1:45 am his time pfffftttttt!! You know..... this could be that another OW does exist and perhaps his wife does need to know..... ?????? sorry but this is such crap. 

1) Stop stalking for your own good, I speak from a very ill experience. Another time...

2) Not necessarily for the OW and communication with her. People our (middle) age easily suffer from insomnia, and not to pity him for he deserves none of it, but he is not having an easy time either, and it's very likely he's just mindlessly browsing. I often do that (nothing I'm proud of, quite the contrary), when my mind feels blocked or idle, just swipe through a bunch of my apps, including LinkedIn (LOL), and if someone was keeping track, it would seem I'm active and/or communicating (heh, I wish for LinkedIn, some networking would surely do me good) every 15-20 minutes or so. You said yourself he's the introverted type, and won't actively pursue women, but more of an opportunist.

Whatever you do - DO NOT let it be known to him or anyone in his circles how much you're grieving this loss. But feel all the feels, and don't drown it in alcohol. For me personally, whether you block or not is less relevant to the fight you need to fight in your head to reframe your thoughts and to see this affair as a toxic crutch. Speaking of the crutch you mentioned, this is I imagine a surprise to no one. Your separation from husband, despite how out of love you've felt for him for decade plus, is a stressful event that will inevitably make you question your choices and make you work to get your life on track that you feel it deserves. These things are not trivial, I also speak from experience. Another time...

Finally, speaking as someone who's barely, through all wisdom of my own, made it to middle class from two-suitcase 'refugee' status, finally in her early 40s, having the wealth that you mention having is a blessing you should actively recount in your gratitude DAILY. You have the luxury to tap into a trusted professional to guide you through the grief. Yes, the work is mostly your own, but please - see the rest of us, who can barely afford a health insurance and a copay that goes with the very very basic (essentially suicide prevention level and that's it) mental care, let alone have access to regular coping sessions, and with that in mind, make the best of your privilege.

Keep trucking.

Edited November 24, 2021 by czanclus

[Myabee]

27 minutes ago, czanclus said:

1) Stop stalking for your own good, I speak from a very ill experience. Another time...

2) Not necessarily for the OW and communication with her. People our (middle) age easily suffer from insomnia, and not to pity him for he deserves none of it, but he is not having an easy time either, and it's very likely he's just mindlessly browsing. I often do that (nothing I'm proud of, quite the contrary), when my mind feels blocked or idle, just swipe through a bunch of my apps, including LinkedIn (LOL), and if someone was keeping track, it would seem I'm active and/or communicating (heh, I wish for LinkedIn, some networking would surely do me good) every 15-20 minutes or so. You said yourself he's the introverted type, and won't actively pursue women, but more of an opportunist.

Whatever you do - DO NOT let it be known to him or anyone in his circles how much you're grieving this loss. But feel all the feels, and don't drown it in alcohol. For me personally, whether you block or not is less relevant to the fight you need to fight in your head to reframe your thoughts and to see this affair as a toxic crutch. Speaking of the crutch you mentioned, this is I imagine a surprise to no one. Your separation from husband, despite how out of love you've felt for him for decade plus, is a stressful event that will inevitably make you question your choices and make you work to get your life on track that you feel it deserves. These things are not trivial, I also speak from experience. Another time...

Finally, speaking as someone who's barely, through all wisdom of my own, made it to middle class from two-suitcase 'refugee' status, finally in her early 40s, having the wealth that you mention having is a blessing you should actively recount in your gratitude DAILY. You have the luxury to tap into a trusted professional to guide you through the grief. Yes, the work is mostly your own, but please - see the rest of us, who can barely afford a health insurance and a copay that goes with the very very basic (essentially suicide prevention level and that's it) mental care, let alone have access to regular coping sessions, and with that in mind, make the best of your privilege.

Keep trucking.

Thank you!!!!!!

[BlindsidedTwice]

When your brain starts spiraling and you’re stressing over Facebook statuses, try to take a break:

-go for a walk

-get a glass of ice water and drink it slowly without a phone or computer nearby

-write it all out in a journal 

-send a kind text to a friend or family member who could use your love today 

-block the source (stop yourself from discovering anything new & painful!)

 

As you move through your stages of grief, try to recognize your own responsibility in all of this. Learn about yourself. What decisions did you make that led you to this point? What new boundaries do you need to set for yourself?  As a few posters have pointed out, this isn’t about him really. It’s about you.

Once you accept that your decisions are what hurt you, he will be knocked down the pedestal. He’ll be just an ordinary man that you were once infatuated with. 

Edited November 24, 2021 by BlindsidedTwice

[Myabee]

4 hours ago, S2B said:

Delete that account. Watching his every move isn’t going to help you!

of course he has another OW! Men like him always have several. You know that right? 
that’s why I said tell his wife. She should know who she is married to.

I am not sure he has more then one he is far to much of a chicken! Idk! 

Edited November 24, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Myabee]

It really does feel good to cry and eat fresh soup... The tears are flowing good. Lot's of water drinking and I went to my moms to get a hug earlier she knew all about him. I picked up my pies for dinner tomorrow and did my turkey prep... little more on tree tonight. I can't listen to any holiday music and I refuse to watch any hallmark movies and adele???? Who is she?

Edited November 24, 2021 by Myabee

[catbestfriend]

8 hours ago, Myabee said:

I do not know for a fact that he has an OW. It really might be that the wife found out and he saved face.Either way it does not matter I need to let go... Just hurting.

This is what I was referring to about not spending more time trying to figure out the ins-and-outs of this dude’s behavior. Ultimately you need to accept that you are not going to know all the answers to the questions you have about this situation. Because ultimately the trust and connection you had was paradoxical because it was based on the fact that he lied to his wife. So by definition, you are never going to be able to have full confidence in his claims of veracity because you know he is so capable of deception. What I think that means is that in some ways, what he actually does or doesn’t do with other women is irrelevant because you can just never trust this person. So I think just coming to terms with the fact that some things will remain unanswerable is key. It’s understandably incredibly frustrating. The other part of it is that it is not your problem anymore. His mental state and the problematic decisions are no longer something that you need or should worry about.

Be kind to yourself and believe in your resolve. It’s okay to wonder and slipping here and there to check on his social media etc isn’t great but it doesn’t mean you can’t get back on track with the commitment you had set to cut off contact. What you can control, though, is what you do going forward so I would just take this moment as one to recommit yourself to completely cutting him off and not checking on things like Messenger. All that is not going to lead to satisfaction or give you the closure you seek.

 

Edited November 24, 2021 by catbestfriend

[catbestfriend]

41 minutes ago, Myabee said:

It really does feel good to cry and eat fresh soup... The tears are flowing good. Lot's of water drinking and I went to my moms to get a hug earlier she knew all about him. I picked up my pies for dinner tomorrow and did my turkey prep... little more on tree tonight. I can't listen to any holiday music and I refuse to watch any hallmark movies and adele???? Who is she?

Soup is awesome !! I love soup.  

[Myabee]

25 minutes ago, catbestfriend said:

Soup is awesome !! I love soup.  

Me too and a good cry feels great. 

[stillafool]

17 hours ago, Myabee said:

I am not sure he has more then one he is far to much of a chicken! Idk! 

Your ego doesn't want to believe he has another OW.  Sorry you're wrong.  Even if he didn't have a new OW (which he does), he still has another woman - his wife, and has told you he wants to end it with you so he's no longer lying to her.  He has put you at the bottom of his priority list.  He's doing what HE wants to do and it isn't out of fear.

[stillafool]

17 hours ago, Myabee said:

I am not sure he has more then one he is far to much of a chicken! Idk! 

If he were chicken he wouldn't have been in an affair with you.  Chickens are too chicken to do that. He isn't chicken he's doing what he wants to do.

[Myabee]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

Your ego doesn't want to believe he has another OW.  Sorry you're wrong.  Even if he didn't have a new OW (which he does), he still has another woman - his wife, and has told you he wants to end it with you so he's no longer lying to her.  He has put you at the bottom of his priority list.  He's doing what HE wants to do and it isn't out of fear.

Yes clearly... and after a couple of nights of using my bogus account to check on his messanger status either he is having insomina like I am because I am so upset or he is chatting with someone. His add friend button is gone and his messaging says on certain people can message him... So possible is doing that to appease the wife or he is surfing fb or messaging! Done checking that. I was dropped like a rock and he could careless. He is a selfish person.  Done checking blocked him from that bogus account. 

[stillafool]

Well at least you know now it is time to stop checking on what he's doing.  I feel if he actually did get caught by his wife he would be laying low and not back on social media.  I think this just verifies that he was lying about his wife finding out.  You should let it go now and stop snooping for your own mental health.

[Myabee]

45 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Well at least you know now it is time to stop checking on what he's doing.  I feel if he actually did get caught by his wife he would be laying low and not back on social media.  I think this just verifies that he was lying about his wife finding out.  You should let it go now and stop snooping for your own mental health.

I agree done snooping. I also recall him saying that she now could ask to see his phone at anytime. It's possible he is just surging fb because when you are doing that it will show you as active on messenger. I think she does know. I also feel like if they were working on issues he would not be on facebook he would be spending time with her. You know because this question seems to be my downfall to healing... not knowing if she knows... Do you think to finally put this to bed I should just reach out to her and be honest. Yes I admit I'm doing it for me to know the truth and move on. Is that selfish yes? However it might be a good idea if she really knows the man she financially houses.   

[glows]

Every time you get away from the situation you seek for ways to go back. Let this go. 

[Myabee]

21 minutes ago, glows said:

Every time you get away from the situation you seek for ways to go back. Let this go. 

Oh goodness I am so not through this yet.This the worst pain I have ever felt.

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Well at least you know now it is time to stop checking on what he's doing.  I feel if he actually did get caught by his wife he would be laying low and not back on social media.  I think this just verifies that he was lying about his wife finding out.  You should let it go now and stop snooping for your own mental health.

He also claimed he had to lay low with me. Delete my number and all social media not anyone else. Idk 

[glows]

8 minutes ago, Myabee said:

Oh goodness I am so not through this yet.This the worst pain I have ever felt.

But there is a way out of this tunnel. Carry on straight through. Don't turn around or look back. Let go. I'll say it over and over again for you, however many times needed. 

[Myabee]

34 minutes ago, glows said:

But there is a way out of this tunnel. Carry on straight through. Don't turn around or look back. Let go. I'll say it over and over again for you, however many times needed. 

I know. It's the connection I miss and I love him... just going through all the emotions  The holidays make this worse 

Edited November 25, 2021 by Myabee

[Myabee]

20 hours ago, Myabee said:

I know. It's the connection I miss and I love him... just going through all the emotions  The holidays make this worse 

I think a real hard part of this is being thrown in the trash! Just thrown out like I never mattered at all.