do they actually leave?

November 21, 2021

25 minutes ago, LynneVicious said:

Do you have any social activities? You can go to. Dates to keep your mind off him. Girls night out? Hobbies to keep you occupied. Let a man treat you to a night on the town to boost your self esteem. They say the best revenge is living your best life.

I think as several said I'm best off on my own with NO men at the moment. The days ahead are going to be very rough as I already miss the connection and just the regular conversations about activities we both enjoy yes a lot of the affair was just chatting about fun stuff in life positive stuff not always venting and the sexual stuff was only about I would say 20% of the picture here. I feel in love Lynne yes I did I'm honest about that. The question is what did I really fall in love with? I have my young adults and a couple close friends and my therapist for support. Of course I keep busy with work and daily exercise... due to covid in my area being real bad at the moment, I am staying away from indoor gatherings and public places until that all calms down a bit. I have my elderly parents health to be mindful of. I agree with living my best life and will be implementing target dates to achieve some goals.

November 21, 2021

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

While I think the wife should know many OW only tell the wife because they feel like, why should MM get to go back to his life while I remain hurt and alone. Lots of wives will see you that way and will not really believe everything you're telling her because she will think the same thing that you are only now telling her because of sour grapes that he was never going to leave her. Sometimes the OW telling the wife ends up bringing the couple closer because they both end up viewing you as the enemy. Also know this is HER husband and she's known him longer than you so anything you tell her will eventually get trumped by him in his effort to get her back.

Yes well I think hey... perhaps this will save his marriage? Then again it might not even have been that bad to begin with. He dropped me cold once she found out ( if she foundout) that was telling enough as to I was a threat to his security blanket that he had zero intentions of ever leaving to begin with.

November 21, 2021

13 minutes ago, Crazelnut said:

You did good by deleting his number (did you delete ALL of them, including work?) and changing yours, but you still need to actually BLOCK him. On social media and on your phone. The point is to stop you from hearing from him again, so you must proactively shut off every possible avenue.

I think I might be like Mayday a poster here if that's her name... she was dropped cold when the wife found out. Yes he is blocked and I took him off all social media actually deactivated mine for now as who knows the wife might come looking for me?? I got a new cell number on friday.

November 21, 2021

I'm glad you're getting rid of him completely and removing all contact. He's consumed so much of your time and your life. Why let him take over your one precious life like that? Don't give anyone the chance to do this now, or ever again, this way.

I agree with living your life well. You may not want to jump out and make friends right away but do start looking. Join interest groups and look online as some groups have zoom meetings or meet outdoors. Don't make excuses about covid. There are groups still conversing or meeting online or socially distanced as well. Even the act of searching and exploring your interests independently or researching on topics you would love to explore more, then meeting with others at a better time, opens new doors. There will come a time when you'll miss him or miss turning to him but you'll already have created new routines for yourself. Break the pattern of depending on him or leaning on him and do things differently.

Edited November 21, 2021 by glows

November 21, 2021

21 minutes ago, glows said:

There will come a time when you'll miss him or miss turning to him but you'll already have created new routines for yourself. Break the pattern of depending on him or leaning on him and do things differentl

That time is now i am missing him terribly... horrendously. This is going to be a long road.I still love him and I should not. Crazy yes. True yes. Sad and pathetic yes. I could not even watch football today... just the sound of it made me think of him too much. I'm very down at the moment. As for covid... yes I know how to navigate through that many ways to still do things. Being down and alone at the holidays is also very depressing

Edited November 21, 2021 by Myabee

November 21, 2021

When you are high on the initial stages of love it is hard to see the realistic side of how this could play out if he devides to leave his wife for you. Think about the logistics, the fallout from friends and family, his self image, his finances... There is a lot at stake for him and maybe he is for once thinking with his big head and not the little one.

Also consider this painful truth. 20 years of marriage. Alledged loveless marriage and dead bedroom. If all that is true, why is she so upset and why is he staying? The truth is probably more geared towards that they may have drifted apart or were going through a rough patch when the affair started and maybe the sex is somewhat predictable and not as regular BUT despite it all he does have feelings for his wife that are romantic in nature. The painful truth that you need to accept as part of this story is that this guy still loves his wife and is trying to let you go without causing more drama.

If you feel that he is withholding info from his wife, I would send her proof but not engage one on one. What she chooses to do with that info is on her.

November 21, 2021

Okay with respect, having read this entire thread. I think it’s really time to stop trying to figure out the motives and thoughts of this married man. Ultimately, his motivations, the state of his marriage, whether or not he cared about you don’t matter because the dynamic has impacted you negatively and you are not happy with it. It’s time for you to reinvest in yourself. You have already decided you are not going to have a relationship with this person so commit to that and free yourself. If you spend the time to do that now, there will be one day when you feel a lot better and not give a s*** what this person thinks about you.

I get it because I have been in some messy situations at various points in my life as well. I try to take those as learning experiences and to continue working on myself so that I can have a happier future. It’s not easy because it’s an active choice you have to make.

I imagine it might feel like people are being hard on you. I’m sure there are some people who like to feel like they’re on a moral high horse but I am mostly seeing people who are genuinely trying to give you good advice—which is all based on what you yourself have expressed about wanting to be out of this toxic situation.

Good luck! You can do it.

Edited November 21, 2021 by catbestfriend

November 22, 2021

2 hours ago, Milly May June said:

When you are high on the initial stages of love it is hard to see the realistic side of how this could play out if he devides to leave his wife for you. Think about the logistics, the fallout from friends and family, his self image, his finances... There is a lot at stake for him and maybe he is for once thinking with his big head and not the little one.

These are all things we had talked about in depth for a long while. He is not an image guy at all I can tell you that for certainty: His family and him are estranged. The finances are an issue. Of course he is thinking with his big head. He just got caught and is saving face. Who knows what really has gone on his marriage. He did say this major confrontation was a long time coming as things have been bad for about 12 years zero sex since a hand job here and there she is not into sex. It has been explained to me they settled into comfortable meaning they live in the same house yet they have very little interaction. She is also 56 years old he is 4 years younger and she is getting close to retiring with a hobby that will consume her days leaving little time for him. Ok... key here if that is all even TRUE??? That's just it... The only way I would know would be to ask her? And I'm not sure that would do any good at all. I feel like everyone is actually being really helpful and kind and you guys are my family for now if thats ok? I need support... and this is the perfect place to get it.

November 22, 2021

1 hour ago, catbestfriend said:

Okay with respect, having read this entire thread. I think it’s really time to stop trying to figure out the motives and thoughts of this married man. Ultimately, his motivations, the state of his marriage, whether or not he cared about you don’t matter because the dynamic has impacted you negatively and you are not happy with it. It’s time for you to reinvest in yourself. You have already decided you are not going to have a relationship with this person so commit to that and free yourself. If you spend the time to do that now, there will be one day when you feel a lot better and not give a s*** what this person thinks about you.

I get it because I have been in some messy situations at various points in my life as well. I try to take those as learning experiences and to continue working on myself so that I can have a happier future. It’s not easy because it’s an active c

I don't doubt that he loves me. I have doubted his ability to confront issues and actually leave hence my initial post here Do they leave? Yes of course this is a learning experience and I will move on. When I love I love true and hard and that happened in this case.

November 22, 2021

On 7/9/2021 at 8:29 AM, Maria1956 said:

I was in complete denial about my own affair until I was utterly thrown under the bus on d-day by the man who said he couldn’t live without me. Save yourself the heartache and devastation so many others on this board have experienced.

Boy... If only I had really read this months back. This is exactly what just took place.

November 22, 2021

47 minutes ago, Myabee said:

I don't doubt that he loves me. I have doubted his ability to confront issues and actually leave hence my initial post here Do they leave? Yes of course this is a learning experience and I will move on. When I love I love true and hard and that happened in this case.

I was responding to some of the comments you made throughout the thread about him using you, not knowing if there are other OW, etc. My point is that there really isn’t any use in continuing to wonder about if the things he says about his marriage, if it’s sexless/loveless, are true because it doesn’t change the fact that it’s not a good situation and keeps you in an emotional holding pattern.

November 22, 2021

36 minutes ago, catbestfriend said:

I was responding to some of the comments you made throughout the thread about him using you, not knowing if there are other OW, etc. My point is that there really isn’t any use in continuing to wonder about if the things he says about his marriage, if it’s sexless/loveless, are true because it doesn’t change the fact that it’s not a good situation and keeps you in an emotional holding pattern.

Yes. I just read something somewhere on another site about an OW who was in a similar situation with her feelings on D day and how it took her the better part of 2 years to feel free..She spoke about sitting through the pain and aa she did that things got eaiser for her.You see, even is this was all wrong and potentially hitting a brick wall as it did, The feelings were very REAL. It takes sometime to not have those feelings anymore. As for the situation he's in now yes it's best to not even question that anymore.

Edited November 22, 2021 by Myabee

November 22, 2021

3 minutes ago, Myabee said:

Yes. I just read something somewhere on another site about an OW who was in a similar situation with her feelings on D day and how it took her the better part of 2 years to feel free..She spoke about sitting through the pain and aa she did that things got eaiser for her.You see, even is this was all wrong and potentially hitting a brick wall as it did, The feelings were very REAL. It takes sometime to not have those feelings anymore. As for the situation he's in now yes it's best to not even question that anymore.

For sure, and not saying there’s anything wrong with still having the feelings and even the back and forth with no contact. I get it, truly, as I’ve been in similar situation (which is how I ended up reading this forum). Ultimately, I’m not necessarily someone who sees feelings as wrong or right but when they’re overly damaging to ourselves or others I think making the effort to redirect how we spend our energy can be important.

November 22, 2021

8 hours ago, catbestfriend said:

For sure, and not saying there’s anything wrong with still having the feelings and even the back and forth with no contact. I get it, truly, as I’ve been in similar situation (which is how I ended up reading this forum). Ultimately, I’m not necessarily someone who sees feelings as wrong or right but when they’re overly damaging to ourselves or others I think making the effort to redirect how we spend our energy can be important.

Sure. I totally get that about redirecting my feelings. That is much easier said than done. This will take time however, it needs to happen. I am so glad I have my therapy appointment this morning. She knows about him and i really need to share the latest on D day. Accepting it, talking it through is the only way for me.

November 22, 2021

10 hours ago, catbestfriend said:

I’m not necessarily someone who sees feelings as wrong or right but when they’re overly damaging to ourselves or others I think making the effort to redirect how we spend our energy can be important.

Thanks for sharing this. This statement actually kinda blew my mind. I'm gonna frame it somewhere.

November 22, 2021

18 hours ago, Myabee said:

Yes well I think hey... perhaps this will save his marriage?

I hope you wouldn't tell her this because she would think if you were in anyway concerned about HER marriage you wouldn't have chosen to have an affair with her husband in the 1st place. That would be laughable. That statement will really make her see you as the scorned OW. Why now all of a sudden are you worried about saving her marriage? Is it because like a lot of OW who opt to tell the wife; because they would rather see him go back and be faithful to his wife than be with another OW? Sometimes they do but most just eventually get another OW who will put them on a pedestal again.

13 hours ago, Myabee said:

These are all things we had talked about in depth for a long while. He is not an image guy at all I can tell you that for certainty: His family and him are estranged. The finances are an issue. Of course he is thinking with his big head. He just got caught and is saving face. Who knows what really has gone on his marriage. He did say this major confrontation was a long time coming as things have been bad for about 12 years zero sex since a hand job here and there she is not into sex. It has been explained to me they settled into comfortable meaning they live in the same house yet they have very little interaction. She is also 56 years old he is 4 years younger and she is getting close to retiring with a hobby that will consume her days leaving little time for him. Ok... key here if that is all even TRUE??? That's just it... The only way I would know would be to ask her? And I'm not sure that would do any good at all. I feel like everyone is actually being really helpful and kind and you guys are my family for now if thats ok? I need support... and this is the perfect place to get it.

1. If his finances are and issue why stay in a terrible marriage when the woman you love and want to be with has wealth? (does that make any sense to you?) It would be too easy to leave and be with you.

2. They have no children - (again, no reason to stay)

3. 4 years age difference is nothing and women in their mid 50s and beyond are very sexually active. ("my wife won't have sex with me" is #1Textbook talk from cheating MM).

4. His wife has a good job and can support herself - (again no reason to stay with her and not be with you.)

If you're looking for the truth this is it and all you need to know. He was never planning to leave her.

November 22, 2021

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

I hope you wouldn't tell her this because she would think if you were in anyway concerned about HER marriage you wouldn't have chosen to have an affair with her husband in the 1st place. That would be laughable. That statement will really make her see you as the scorned OW. Why now all of a sudden are you worried about saving her marriage? Is it because like a lot of OW who opt to tell the wife; because they would rather see him go back and be faithful to his wife than be with another OW? Sometimes they do but most just eventually get another OW who will put them on a pedestal again.

1. If his finances are and issue why stay in a terrible marriage when the woman you love and want to be with has wealth? (does that make any sense to you?) It would be too easy to leave and be with you.

2. They have no children - (again, no reason to stay)

3. 4 years age difference is nothing and women in their mid 50s and beyond are very sexually active. ("my wife won't have sex with me" is #1Textbook talk from cheating MM).

4. His wife has a good job and can support herself - (again no reason to stay with her and not be with you.)

If you're looking for the truth this is it and all you need to know. He was never planning to leave her.

First of all NO.... I would never tell her that at all. It was a thought that crossed my mind that after affair discovery whatever has been lacking just might all come to a head now and be able to be worked through between them. Look... I am not telling his wife. For I really have no idea if in-fact she does know and this was a ploy by him to get away from me. I will never know. Secondly This MM is a coward clearly. He is a commitment phobic and chronic avoider of any confrontation. I guess that's what I fell in love with and who would want that???? I just had a great session with my therapist it helped so much.

Edited November 22, 2021 by Myabee

November 22, 2021

6 hours ago, assertives said:

Thanks for sharing this. This statement actually kinda blew my mind. I'm gonna frame it somewhere.

Aww thanks. I’ve done a lot of therapy in my life haha

November 22, 2021

3 hours ago, Myabee said:

He is a commitment phobic and chronic avoider of any confrontation.

He can't make any commitments to you because he is already committed to someone else - his wife. He was able to confront you to end the affair.

November 22, 2021

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

He can't make any commitments to you because he is already committed to someone else - his wife. He was able to confront you to end the affair.

But he didn’t confront her.

November 22, 2021

19 hours ago, catbestfriend said:

Okay with respect, having read this entire thread. I think it’s really time to stop trying to figure out the motives and thoughts of this married man.

This right here Myabee. It's time to let it go and redirect your attention towards your healing. It's time to stop trying to figure out what is in his head and what is happening in their marriage. It's time to move on.

November 22, 2021

1 minute ago, torn_heart said:

But he didn’t confront her.

Maybe not to her face as they are 3000 miles away from each other but he was able to say enough to get his message across that it's over. That's way more than he ever did to confront his wife and ask for a divorce.

November 22, 2021

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Maybe not to her face as they are 3000 miles away from each other but he was able to say enough to get his message across that it's over. That's way more than he ever did to confront his wife and ask for a divorce.

He's a coward. He told me he would be in touch when she the wife calms down and has no idea how his marriage will turn out. Truth? Lie? Who knows?

November 22, 2021

1 hour ago, torn_heart said:

But he didn’t confront her.

You know me well... Thank u my friend

November 23, 2021

3 hours ago, Myabee said:

He's a coward. He told me he would be in touch when she the wife calms down and has no idea how his marriage will turn out. Truth? Lie? Who knows?

Yeah you let him put you on hold instead of telling him to go kick rocks and move on with your life. I hope you are able to start soon.

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