do they actually leave?

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Whenever you are down or have doubts, re-read how bizarre this statement is.

Wise... I srsly do not think he has time for an Ow as betwen the relentless contact via phone , face time and text he was always in comtact with me. No gaps no dissapering act. 

[Myabee]

3 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Yes and he is recruiting you to help him too. 

Whilst he is laying low he needs you to lay low too.
No contact otherwise she may find out and will know he lied.
He is being a good boy to save his marriage and is asking you to not spoil it.

Ha! well F that! I mean he had a chance to be a good boy yet he entered and was happily engaged in an 18 month affair? Bs to that. She deserves to know the whole truth here! That is clearly not going to come from him. 

[elaine567]

1 minute ago, Myabee said:

How is his continuining to lie to her going to help improve what is left of what I see as a loveless dead marriage?

But is it really a loveless dead marriage? 
He told you it was, it may not be.
MM lie, they lie to their wives they lie to their OWs.

MM usually enter into affairs not to find a replacement wife, they have one of those already.
Most are not monogamous.  They like having two women.
 

[elaine567]

The problem here is he tapped straight into what you were feeling/felt in your marriage.
You bonded over being the same, but maybe not.. 
You like so many women bite the bullet and leave/separate/divorce.
You look around for the MM to follow your lead to find when the chips are down, he doesn't want to go, he is staying with his wife...
Plays out time and time again.
In so many cases older men leave when they are kicked out or when the wife is genuinely abusive/mentally ill.

[LynneVicious]

1 hour ago, Myabee said:

Ha! well F that! I mean he had a chance to be a good boy yet he entered and was happily engaged in an 18 month affair? Bs to that. She deserves to know the whole truth here! That is clearly not going to come from him. 

Kindly, you are only thinking now to contact the wife ‘because she has a right to know’ since he told you she found out. At any time during the last 18 months, you could have told her because ‘she has a right to know’, but didn’t. Why is that? Be honest with yourself. 

[Myabee]

50 minutes ago, LynneVicious said:

Kindly, you are only thinking now to contact the wife ‘because she has a right to know’ since he told you she found out. At any time during the last 18 months, you could have told her because ‘she has a right to know’, but didn’t. Why is that? Be honest with yourself. 

You know what? If the cat is out of the bag it would be right to offer the whole truth. If he lied and cheated do you really think he is telling even anything remotely close to what actually happened? Of course not. He is saving face. This would not benefit me at all and I am not looking for him to contact me to say of well yeah I'm now divorced and want you! No pal not the way I work. If this affair is something she now knows of MM would be fessing up and packing up or aleast have a plan... he has neither. Nothing will change except he will wait for it to blow over then try to come crawling back to me.... with more empty promises behind her back. Think about how dishonest he still is with her. Telling her he plans to never contact me again then telling me he just needs to lay low so he is not caught again by her.?????? Really????  You don't think she deserves to know this??? 

[Myabee]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

The problem here is he tapped straight into what you were feeling/felt in your marriage.
You bonded over being the same, but maybe not.. 
You like so many women bite the bullet and leave/separate/divorce.
You look around for the MM to follow your lead to find when the chips are down, he doesn't want to go, he is staying with his wife...
Plays out time and time again.
In so many cases older men leave when they are kicked out or when the wife is genuinely abusive/mentally ill.

I would agree we both connected due to similarities. Yes I also agree that unless he is kicked out then he will not be leaving. 

[Myabee]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

But is it really a loveless dead marriage? 
He told you it was, it may not be.
MM lie, they lie to their wives they lie to their OWs.

MM usually enter into affairs not to find a replacement wife, they have one of those already.
Most are not monogamous.  They like having two women.
 

If what he told me is true, Who knows??? Then yes this seems to have evolved into a loveless and sexless marriage... it is possible that is all bs too. I truly have not a clue.??

[Allupinnit]

Sometimes I feel people who get caught up in these situations really just thrive on the drama of it, the uncertainty, and a "real" relationship would seem quite boring in comparison.

I can't imagine the toll this takes on your overall health, the constant drama and ensuing anxiety with no reprieve.

[Myabee]

6 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

Sometimes I feel people who get caught up in these situations really just thrive on the drama of it, the uncertainty, and a "real" relationship would seem quite boring in comparison.

I can't imagine the toll this takes on your overall health, the constant drama and ensuing anxiety with no reprieve.

Huh? The last thing I like is drama! Trust me unless you walked this path you would not know! 

[Myabee]

13 minutes ago, S2B said:

Either way he is a guy you never need to communicate with again. but she does deserve to know what he’s done. That way she can make a decision with evidence. You already know what a jerk he is - she deserves to know too.

he doesn’t deserve any woman. He’s totally manipulating two women. 

Yup. Manipulating two women is exactly right. He is a lier and a flat out coward. 

[Myabee]

4 minutes ago, S2B said:

Why won’t YOU take this opportunity to understand he wants you to lay low so HE can smooth things over with his wife?

take this new info and completely block him! He ditched you when he was saying he would divorce her! He is NEVER divorcing her!

he is just using you.

I got rid of his phone number and changed mine on Friday. Of course he is using me or else he would have not tried to save face with her. He has a job he could pack a bag and leave. Nope! So he is full of garbage!  He made a choice he wants her. Poor thing as she probably has no idea the real truth. 

Edited November 21, 2021 by Myabee

[LynneVicious]

Again, you had 18 months to tell her that he’s lying and playing both of you. Most ow who tell the wives do so because they’ve been burned, like you. You weren’t concerned about her for a year and a half. Or they tell the wife with the slight hope that the mm will come to them now that he’s free from the wife  

Just let this go. You owe her nothing. You owe him nothing. You’ll never get the whole story or the truth from him. 

If your goal is to completely cut ties with him forever, then you could tell her. He will throw you under the bus and either they will unite against you or they’ll separate and he’ll be too ticked off to even talk to you. That’s the likely result. 

Since you wont break free from him, maybe that’s your best bet. 

[Allupinnit]

24 minutes ago, Myabee said:

Huh? The last thing I like is drama! Trust me unless you walked this path you would not know! 

I wouldn't choose this for myself.  

[Myabee]

4 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

I wouldn't choose this for myself.  

I'm not exactly sure all people like myself say oh wow! I'm just going to get myself into a situation with a Married person for the heck of it. I mean srsly already who in their right mind would do that? I know in my case I did not have any planned "agenda" when I reached to an old friend. I did however get caught up in a web of deception and lies things I thought truth's was all a mere facade. No I would never get involved in a mess like this again. 

[Myabee]

20 minutes ago, LynneVicious said:

Again, you had 18 months to tell her that he’s lying and playing both of you. Most ow who tell the wives do so because they’ve been burned, like you. You weren’t concerned about her for a year and a half. Or they tell the wife with the slight hope that the mm will come to them now that he’s free from the wife  

Just let this go. You owe her nothing. You owe him nothing. You’ll never get the whole story or the truth from him. 

If your goal is to completely cut ties with him forever, then you could tell her. He will throw you under the bus and either they will unite against you or they’ll separate and he’ll be too ticked off to even talk to you. That’s the likely result. 

Since you wont break free from him, maybe that’s your best bet. 

No! Because many times over those 18 months I was still buying into his baloney. I probably have been in much denial. If I do tell her now IDK if it makes him more angry at me I don't want his sorry arse. If anything the wife would get the whole truth from me and that would be end of story.

[Allupinnit]

7 minutes ago, Myabee said:

I'm not exactly sure all people like myself say oh wow! I'm just going to get myself into a situation with a Married person for the heck of it. I mean srsly already who in their right mind would do that? I know in my case I did not have any planned "agenda" when I reached to an old friend. I did however get caught up in a web of deception and lies things I thought truth's was all a mere facade. No I would never get involved in a mess like this again. 

No, but it was a series of choices that got you to where you are now.  Married men are off limits regardless of what they tell you.  Even a flirty text to a married man is just the beginning of the slippery slope.  But people lie to themselves the whole way, thinking that it's just not that bad, we haven't had sex, etc. until as is the nature of relationships, it progresses and they say "I never saw it coming."  Yeah, ok.

People abandon their good sense and boundaries over this foolish belief in romantic love and butterflies.  It fades and life gets messy and pretty soon keeping the spark alive takes work.  But lazy people and cowards just take the path of least resistance and try to find someone who "meets all of their needs" when marriage is rarely about that at all.  

[Myabee]

4 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

No, but it was a series of choices that got you to where you are now.  Married men are off limits regardless of what they tell you.  Even a flirty text to a married man is just the beginning of the slippery slope.  But people lie to themselves the whole way, thinking that it's just not that bad, we haven't had sex, etc. until as is the nature of relationships, it progresses and they say "I never saw it coming."  Yeah, ok.

People abandon their good sense and boundaries over this foolish belief in romantic love and butterflies.  It fades and life gets messy and pretty soon keeping the spark alive takes work.  But lazy people and cowards just take the path of least resistance and try to find someone who "meets all of their needs" when marriage is rarely about that at all.  

I will agree with some of this yes.

Edited November 21, 2021 by Myabee

[LynneVicious]

25 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

No, but it was a series of choices that got you to where you are now.  Married men are off limits regardless of what they tell you.  Even a flirty text to a married man is just the beginning of the slippery slope.  But people lie to themselves the whole way, thinking that it's just not that bad, we haven't had sex, etc. until as is the nature of relationships, it progresses and they say "I never saw it coming."  Yeah, ok.

People abandon their good sense and boundaries over this foolish belief in romantic love and butterflies.  It fades and life gets messy and pretty soon keeping the spark alive takes work.  But lazy people and cowards just take the path of least resistance and try to find someone who "meets all of their needs" when marriage is rarely about that at all.  

What Allupinit said is true. It is choices. Buying into his baloney shouldn’t even be an option because he’s married. I just hope that you keep contact completely to nothing and move on. I know you keep repeating that you’re done but then something keeps you on the hook and still speak with him. I think it’s hope. You hope the situation will change. But it won’t. If he wanted to leave his marriage, he would have done so many times already. 

[elaine567]

4 minutes ago, Myabee said:

No! Because many times over those 18 months I was still buying into his baloney. I probably have been in much denial. If I do tell her now IDK if it makes him more angry at me I don't want his sorry arse. If anything the wife would get the whole truth from me and that would be end of story.

I am usually against telling the wife as there are usually kids involved and blowing up marriages "just because", or for revenge, or on a whim has far reaching consequences.
Some women cannot leave due to finances and kids, and it may be better she stays in blissful ignorance than in knowing hell with her cheating man.

BUT here there are no kids, she makes a good wage and she is probably better knowing than not.

Second BUT... 
She may not believe you, even with evidence - head in the sand.
She may stay with him anyway ignoring your info completely. Their marriage goes from strength to strength .
She may be very angry with you. Are you prepared for the home truths she may throw at you?
She may come after you and try to ruin your life. Your social media may be suddenly full of what you did...
You may find she will never let you go... You may need police involvement and court orders to get rid of her.

Be careful.
Is it really worth all the drama?

[Myabee]

5 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I am usually against telling the wife as there are usually kids involved and blowing up marriages "just because", or for revenge, or on a whim has far reaching consequences.
Some women cannot leave due to finances and kids, and it may be better she stays in blissful ignorance than in knowing hell with her cheating man.

BUT here there are no kids, she makes a good wage and she is probably better knowing than not.

Second BUT... 
She may not believe you, even with evidence - head in the sand.
She may stay with him anyway ignoring your info completely. Their marriage goes from strength to strength .
She may be very angry with you. Are you prepared for the home truths she may throw at you?
She may come after you and try to ruin your life. Your social media may be suddenly full of what you did...
You may find she will never let you go... You may need police involvement and court orders to get rid of her.

Be careful.
Is it really worth all the drama?

I agree with all of what you have said. Honestly as much as I believe this woman does need to know what her husband is really all about, It might take the next OW to do that. Because if he cheated once he can cheat again and he clearly is 100% conflict avoidant so he is never going to confront the said issues he has with her. Today Im more like 90% in favor of holding my tounge and letting this go. I calmed down and the nature of all of this sunk in.  

[Myabee]

28 minutes ago, LynneVicious said:

What Allupinit said is true. It is choices. Buying into his baloney shouldn’t even be an option because he’s married. I just hope that you keep contact completely to nothing and move on. I know you keep repeating that you’re done but then something keeps you on the hook and still speak with him. I think it’s hope. You hope the situation will change. But it won’t. If he wanted to leave his marriage, he would have done so many times already. 

Oh hey lynne nah I have no hope. Especially after the way he has treated me upon her discovery if it's even true that she knows. This would have been his chance to leave yet he made the choice to save face and is now probably kissing her ass just to remain in the house. Or the other scenario is,  this was all made up as a ploy to finally end things with me. It is a little maddening to never know the truth... however not much else I can do. 

Edited November 21, 2021 by Myabee

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Myabee said:

No! Because many times over those 18 months I was still buying into his baloney. I probably have been in much denial. If I do tell her now IDK if it makes him more angry at me I don't want his sorry arse. If anything the wife would get the whole truth from me and that would be end of story.

While I think the wife should know many OW only tell the wife because they feel like, why should MM get to go back to his life while I remain hurt and alone.  Lots of wives will see you that way and will not really believe everything you're telling her because she will think the same thing that you are only now telling her because of sour grapes that he was never going to leave her.  Sometimes the OW telling the wife ends up bringing the couple closer because they both end up viewing you as the enemy.  Also know this is HER husband and she's known him longer than you so anything you tell her will eventually get trumped by him in his effort to get her back.

[LynneVicious]

Do you have any social activities? You can go to. Dates to keep your mind off him. Girls night out? Hobbies to keep you occupied. Let a man treat you to a night on the town to boost your self esteem. They say the best revenge is living your best life. 

[Crazelnut]

You did good by deleting his number (did you delete ALL of them, including work?) and changing yours, but you still need to actually BLOCK him. On social media and on your phone. The point is to stop you from hearing from him again, so you must proactively shut off every possible avenue.