do they actually leave?

[stillafool]

Just let it go now and stop contacting him or taking his calls.  At this point if you're feeling pain it is self inflicted because he isn't going to leave her if his story is true.  I don't think it is but an excuse to end contact with you.  Perhaps another OW.

[Myabee]

26 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Just let it go now and stop contacting him or taking his calls.  At this point if you're feeling pain it is self inflicted because he isn't going to leave her if his story is true.  I don't think it is but an excuse to end contact with you.  Perhaps another OW.

I don't think another OW exists. I think he has just strung me along here. Nothing is adding up. 

[Daliah]

25 minutes ago, Myabee said:

I don't think another OW exists. I think he has just strung me along here. Nothing is adding up. 

Sweetheart. EVERYTHING is adding up. Distance made the whole thing tenable for him and offered him a false sense of ‘safety’ because you couldn’t simply turn up at his door and tell his wife if it all went sour. It made him bold enough to feed you any old story because that distant kept you, for the most part, physically away from his ‘real’ life. Keeping you a distraction at a distance gave him licence to pretend he was someone he isn’t. 

He is far from an honourable man.  What a fine example to his daughter…ugh….…vile individual.

Now he is at home trying to placate his distressed wife with his horse manure AND probably praying you don’t blow him up..he deserves it.  

Edited November 20, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Myabee]

8 minutes ago, Daliah said:

Sweetheart. EVERYTHING is adding up. Distance made the whole thing tenable for him and offered him a false sense of ‘safety’ because you couldn’t simply turn up at his door and tell his wife if it all went sour. It made him bold enough to feed you any old story because that distant kept you, for the most part, physically away from his ‘real’ life. Keeping you a distraction at a distance gave him licence to pretend he was someone he isn’t. 

He is far from an honourable man.  What a fine example to his daughter…ugh….…vile individual.

Now he is at home trying to placate his distressed wife with his horse manure AND probably praying you don’t blow him up..he deserves it.  

D... Thank you He does not have any kids it's just him and wife. But I agree he is feeding her horse manure if in fact it's even true that she knows.?? I question that and always will. I think I can heal from this in time. But really after all of this it's not happening over night. Do you think I should tell her the real truth? 

[RebeccaR]

10 minutes ago, Myabee said:

Do you think I should tell her the real truth? 

Don’t do it just to make yourself feel better, because telling will probably make you feel worse. And don’t tell in order that she throws him out and he comes to you, because that’s just a mess and probably won’t end up in your favor either.

[Daliah]

14 minutes ago, Myabee said:

D... Thank you He does not have any kids it's just him and wife. But I agree he is feeding her horse manure if in fact it's even true that she knows.?? I question that and always will. I think I can heal from this in time. But really after all of this it's not happening over night. Do you think I should tell her the real truth? 

I think I said before that if you tell her, you should do it with absolute honesty. She deserves to be given the opportunity to decide her future too don’t you think? He’s ruined everything for you. You don’t have to be his advocate any longer. He’s unworthy of either of you in all fairness.

[czanclus]

8 hours ago, Myabee said:

He did say this was the silver lining to confront stuff that has been a long time coming. He also said he would reach out after laying low for a while. What do you suppose that means? I have terrible anxeity at the moment. 

This means he wants space to figure out what he wants to do. He will almost certainly stay with the wife. Love's got nothing to do with it, other than love for his comfortable life. If she really knows about this affair now, he will need to be extra accommodating to her whims. It may on her end have nothing to do with rekindling love, just sheer manipulation to have even more control over him while he cowers lest she drops him for good.

 

7 hours ago, Myabee said:

Yes... unless she throws him out which could have happened already? Being in the dark is riddled with anxeity and fear. This sucks and I do not know how I can move forward when Idk if he is ok? I know if I contacted him from a bogus second number I have later today he prob would reply since he will be at work 

Throw him out? After two decades of marriage? Highly unlikely. She'll just make him squirm and impose demands to keep him distracted and her satisfied, whatever those demands may entail. At least that's how I picture it. There's no love in that relationship, or he wouldn't have cheated, and she wouldn't have stayed in such a stale marriage. There are other interests at play. Don't contact him. I am failing to see why he is worth this.

 

7 hours ago, Myabee said:

I’m sunk... anxious in tears in the dark just a large mess and I’m not listening to adele I had to break a laugh for a sec as literally losing it. 

Honestly, I'm a bit surprised you are taking it this badly, but I hope you bounce from it and gather the strength soon. You were warned about the scenario of wife finding out and husband swiping you aside, into the dark, deliberately so you have no say in anything, while he 'resolves' the issue, which is all really code for 'it's over, move on, hopefully quickly and with no interference.'

[czanclus]

2 hours ago, Myabee said:

Also

 

I’m not going to argue with you about how long it takes to end a twenty year marriage responsibly but it probably more than a few weeks. And I’m not promising anything one way or the other even though it looks to be in your favor. I don’t want to keep arguing with you. Please give me space and let me figure things out.  

Oh, and as it turns out... he literally tells you "give me space". Please absolve yourself of the delusion that anything is 'looking in your favor', it's just vacuous rhetoric to placate you. A chill pill for you, a chill pill for the wife, and fingers crossed, nobody yells too much. Confrontation is scary to this puppy.

And with all the financial impotence, for a man in his what? early 50s?, how is that *possibly* attractive? If he was so repulsed by being controlled by his bacon-bringing career-slaying wife, he would've done something a LOOOONNNG time ago. Just see the ugliness in him if at all you can. I'm rooting for you. This can take long, I predict 3-4 months with persistent effort to plug forward, but he needs not be privy to a single moment of your pain. Not worth it.

Edited November 20, 2021 by czanclus

[Myabee]

3 minutes ago, czanclus said:

This means he wants space to figure out what he wants to do. He will almost certainly stay with the wife. Love's got nothing to do with it, other than love for his comfortable life. If she really knows about this affair now, he will need to be extra accommodating to her whims. It may on her end have nothing to do with rekindling love, just sheer manipulation to have even more control over him while he cowers lest she drops him for good.

This part kills me. How on earth can he be extra accommodating to her every whim as thats all he has been doing for the past 13 year of the 20 year union. She has had him right where she wants him for years. Do as your told. Your job is a joke and she holds the cards.,

[Myabee]

9 minutes ago, czanclus said:

Oh, and as it turns out... he literally tells you "give me space". Please absolve yourself of the delusion that anything is 'looking in your favor', it's just vacuous rhetoric to placate you. A chill pill for you, a chill pill for the wife, and fingers crossed, nobody yells too much. Confrontation is scary to this puppy.

And with all the financial impotence, for a man in his what? early 50s?, how is that *possibly* attractive? If he was so repulsed by being controlled by his bacon-bringing career-slaying wife, he would've done something a LOOOONNNG time ago. Just see the ugliness in him if at all you can. I'm rooting for you.

First of all she does not even make much more. She's a know it all bossy nurse as he has said and I know that type a sibling of mine dated two and dropped that s*** quick. I think he feels like he owes her something because after his first young marriage of 7 years ended he had no career. As I have been told there was a gap between relocating and meeting her then going onto to finish his education... my guess she paid? Idk. I have wealth and it's much more then she would ever make. None of that matters though. When we first started talking he was stuffy... so un sharing and afraid... then he opened up and no sex was involved. It's been a long ride... these 18 months. . 

Edited November 20, 2021 by Myabee

[RebeccaR]

1 minute ago, Myabee said:

It's been a long ride... these 18 months.

I imagine there are a lot of feelings you haven’t processed around your divorce and this rollercoaster has been a distraction. Your emotions are heightened, but maybe not entirely due to this affair with this MM. You need to slow down and extricate yourself from both situations and really give yourself space and  self-care. This guy isn’t good for you.

[Myabee]

1 minute ago, RebeccaR said:

I imagine there are a lot of feelings you haven’t processed around your divorce and this rollercoaster has been a distraction. Your emotions are heightened, but maybe not entirely due to this affair with this MM. You need to slow down and extricate yourself from both situations and really give yourself space and  self-care. This guy isn’t good for you.

He is great for me if all of this crap was not going on. But I hear you. I was not very fond of you months back, However I thank you for all you contribute... I need all you guys right now bigtime. 

[czanclus]

6 minutes ago, Myabee said:

This part kills me. How on earth can he be extra accommodating to her every whim as thats all he has been doing for the past 13 year of the 20 year union. She has had him right where she wants him for years. Do as your told. Your job is a joke and she holds the cards.,

Exactly because that's all he knows. And now, the leash is going to get tighter. If he is the kind of person that will take the level of humiliation of being told his job is a joke and stay in a relationship, then he is just as much the kind of person that will now play by whatever rules she now imposes. It was a wishful dream that the 'silver lining' of her finding out would make him finally stand up for himself.

I will spare you my personal experiences with walking out on a relationship that didn't serve me, and that in comparison was a fairy tale compared to what this man's and his wife's relationship looks like. Suffice it to say, that I'm deemed as a total oddball. Vast majority of people, even those with money, maybe even especially those with money, don't DARE walk out on a relationship/marriage that is only 75% OK and other 25% not. Vast majority of people need it to get so bad, that members in their family are practically pleading with them to jump ship, offering all kinds of support and such. The phenomenon has baffled me my entire adolescent and adult life, starting with my parents, where as much as I thought my dad was a major a-hole, I thought my devastated cheated on mom was just as pathetic for not demanding standards and putting up with it. But I was just a kid yearning desperately to claim my independence from the agony my mom didn't go to efforts to conceal. I totally forgive her, she was hurting, but it was not good for her. As for the OW, she/they always looked like vain, self-absolved fools to me, and it is a peculiar phenomenon of the human kind that they struggle so much to assume 'correct' roles in the menage-a-trois, of which I wrote in a different topic.

Do you think, Myabee, that if you never fell for the flattery, at least not outwardly in front of him, if you never indulged his sexual desires, if you simply, directly in the beginning of falling for him, and him for you let's say, told him that you would love to explore the relationship once he is *at least* separated from his wife, but until then you are not interested in starting an affair?

[Myabee]

12 minutes ago, czanclus said:

Exactly because that's all he knows. And now, the leash is going to get tighter. If he is the kind of person that will take the level of humiliation of being told his job is a joke and stay in a relationship, then he is just as much the kind of person that will now play by whatever rules she now imposes. It was a wishful dream that the 'silver lining' of her finding out would make him finally stand up for himself.

I will spare you my personal experiences with walking out on a relationship that didn't serve me, and that in comparison was a fairy tale compared to what this man's and his wife's relationship looks like. Suffice it to say, that I'm deemed as a total oddball. Vast majority of people, even those with money, maybe even especially those with money, don't DARE walk out on a relationship/marriage that is only 75% OK and other 25% not. Vast majority of people need it to get so bad, that members in their family are practically pleading with them to jump ship, offering all kinds of support and such. The phenomenon has baffled me my entire adolescent and adult life, starting with my parents, where as much as I thought my dad was a major a-hole, I thought my devastated cheated on mom was just as pathetic for not demanding standards and putting up with it. But I was just a kid yearning desperately to claim my independence from the agony my mom didn't go to efforts to conceal. I totally forgive her, she was hurting, but it was not good for her. As for the OW, she/they always looked like vain, self-absolved fools to me, and it is a peculiar phenomenon of the human kind that they struggle so much to assume 'correct' roles in the menage-a-trois, of which I wrote in a different topic.

Do you think, Myabee, that if you never fell for the flattery, at least not outwardly in front of him, if you never indulged his sexual desires, if you simply, directly in the beginning of falling for him, and him for you let's say, told him that you would love to explore the relationship once he is *at least* separated from his wife, but until then you are not interested in starting an affair?

I have no words except to say thank you for sharing this! How open and honest. 

[stillafool]

28 minutes ago, Myabee said:

Quote

First of all she does not even make much more.

So he obviously is not with her for the money and they have no kids. - No good reason to stay in a marriage he doesn't want

Quote

She's a know it all bossy nurse as he has said and I know that type a sibling of mine dated two and dropped that s*** quick.

You don't know this to be fact.  Most MM say bad things about the wife to gain sympathy from OW.  If she were so bad D-day has given him an out

 

Quote

I think he feels like he owes her something because after his first young marriage of 7 years ended he had no career.

Well with her not making much more than him I hardly think he stayed for fiancial reasons.  But you continue to make excuses for his rejection of not being with you.

 

Quote

As I have been told there was a gap between relocating and meeting her then going onto to finish his education... my guess she paid? Idk.

Exactly! You do not know if this is even true or what events took place.  I'll bet they met and fell in love like any other married couple.

Quote

I have wealth and it's much more then she would ever make. None of that matters though.

 

So you know it's not for her money and kids that he stays with this bossy nurse is it?  He has more than enough reason to be with you if he wanted but the truth is he simply doe not.  I think he's tired of dealing with your emotions and this rollercoaster you're on.  It's taken all the fun out of the affair.  A woman on the side is supposed to be fun, a breath of fresh air from his life and sex.  Not discussions, arguments, tears and drama.  This is why I'm saying there is probably another OW.  Cheating men don't stop.

Quote

It's been a long ride... these 18 months. . 

Thank goodness you were only involved for 18 months which means if you start now in 9 months you will have moved on.  Good luck.

 

[elaine567]

4 minutes ago, stillafool said:

  Most MM say bad things about the wife to gain sympathy from OW.  If she were so bad D-day has given him an out

^ this.
MM love giving their OW a wife to hate...
it is par for the course.
He sets up a competition that his OW is bound to win, which keeps her interested and competitive.
Only on D day she finds she hasn't won after all...
He is staying with the wife

[Myabee]

12 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

^ this.
MM love giving their OW a wife to hate...
it is par for the course.
He sets up a competition that his OW is bound to win, which keeps her interested and competitive.
Only on D day she finds she hasn't won after all...
He is staying with the wife

Since I have never been in this situation before I would not know. I do thank you Elaine for all you have shared and for the kind way in which you have shared with me. I have a huge heart and it’s sometime a large pitfall.  Stick with me.

[Myabee]

25 minutes ago, stillafool said:

 

Or 9 months later I get a text he is expecting from an OW Had to laugh a bit 

[Myabee]

18 minutes ago, S2B said:

Ya, this is because he has no intention of leaving her.

notice that when she discovered you - he didn’t immediately say he was divorcing her?

this guy is wasting your time. You really are letting him disrespect you AND his wife.

he’s not going anywhere.

I can tell you - when people want to divorce - they do. I ended my 27 years marriage. I kicked my exH out and lived in that house for 3 more years - he paid. And yes, we have kids. But I never ever was alone with him again after I told him to leave. 

he lied so much to his OW about me it was crazy. We always had sex 2 or 3 times a day and he told his OW I never had sex with him!

he was the most spoiled man alive! And it still wasn’t enough - he needed an ego feed from MANY women.

stop believing everything he says. You don’t even know if she found out for sure - he may be saying that so you go away…especially since you were making more demands.

the crux of this is - he isn’t leaving her!  He likes having a wife AND an OW - as long as the OW stays quiet and compliant.

And because I am not convinced that she knows.... I feel like I should contact her. I will tell the truth. He clearly won't . 

[Myabee]

3 minutes ago, S2B said:

Sure, why not at this point. But don’t hurt her any more than he already has.

she deserves to know who she is really married to. So don’t be surprised if she doesn’t know anything when you contact her.

Do you really feel she has no clue? Like he made this up? Because I am very conflicted.   

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, Myabee said:

I don't think another OW exists.. 

Whenever you are down or have doubts, re-read how bizarre this statement is.

[elaine567]

7 hours ago, Myabee said:

Do you really feel she has no clue? Like he made this up? Because I am very conflicted.   

I could be wrong I do not know the man  or what he is capable of, but I don't think he made it up, I can't see why he would.
If he wanted to get rid of you he could just block you. You are 3000 miles away, it is not as if you are next door and he needs you to stay away.

Personally I would not get in contact with the wife.
If she knows and is devastated, hurt and angry, she doesn't really need you, as his OW, twisting the knife.
 

[Myabee]

7 hours ago, S2B said:

I do think it’s possible she thinks of him as a perfect husband - and has no idea you exist.

So do I. I keep looking at this in two ways. One of them she has no clue and this was his out. A way to avoid future talk with me and her because clearly this MM can not handle any conflict at all. Or she does know and hes saving face and most likely has painted me into the one who started this. Also not disclosing all details and continuining to lie straight to her face. 

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

I could be wrong I do not know the man  or what he is capable of, but I don't think he made it up, I can't see why he would.
If he wanted to get rid of you he could just block you. You are 3000 miles away, it is not as if you are next door and he needs you to stay away.

Personally I would not get in contact with the wife.
If she knows and is devastated, hurt and angry, she doesn't really need you, as his OW, twisting the knife.
 

Well you know I find it very hard to believe that she would grab his phone off his night stand at 4 am. Especially because  a 3 hour time change exists and I’m normally and off his in contact with him via text radar by 7 pm his time as thats 10 pm my time and I’m in bed. And up to that point he is normally at work anyway. Something is not adding up here. And yes I do realize that if she knowd thats twisting the knife, yet what does she really know? Most likely a watered down version of whats been going on. How is his continuining to lie to her going to help improve what is left of what I see as a loveless dead marriage? He can now respect her enough to stay no contact yet he could not respect her eough by entering into an affair to begin with? Do you get what I’m saying? 

Edited November 21, 2021 by Myabee

[elaine567]

2 minutes ago, Myabee said:

. Also not disclosing all details and continuining to lie straight to her face. 

Yes and he is recruiting you to help him too. 

16 hours ago, Myabee said:

All I’ve told her so far is that I ended it with you and broke off contact. I need that to be true for now

Whilst he is laying low he needs you to lay low too.
No contact otherwise she may find out and will know he lied.
He is being a good boy to save his marriage and is asking you to not spoil it.