do they actually leave?

[elaine567]

5 minutes ago, Myabee said:

he is as as spinless as I was for years in allowing someone to control me in a marriage...

Ok but he is not you. He may actually like being controlled. Safe and protected...
When the chips are down he may not actually want to leave her, you may have to consider that.
His first instinct has been to lay low, not pack his bags...

[BaileyB]

1 minute ago, elaine567 said:

Ok but he is not you. He may actually like being controlled. Safe and protected...
When the chips are down he may not actually want to leave her, you may have to consider that.
His first instinct has been to lay low, not pack his bags...

His first instinct may have been to apologize, beg for her to keep him, to work to make amends…

Here you are OP, thinking that he is suffering terribly, about to be kicked out, or even packing his bags with the desire to appear at your door…

You may never hear from the man again if he decides to stay and does everything he can to earn her trust…

[Myabee]

6 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Ok but he is not you. He may actually like being controlled. Safe and protected...
When the chips are down he may not actually want to leave her, you may have to consider that.
His first instinct has been to lay low, not pack his bags...

He does not like being controlled by her at all. This all only transpired with 48 hours where is he to go that quick? I don't know? 

[elaine567]

2 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

ou may never hear from the man again if he decides to stay and does everything he can to earn her trust…

Yes thrown under the bus on D-day is a pretty common occurence

[Myabee]

4 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

His first instinct may have been to apologize, beg for her to keep him, to work to make amends…

Here you are OP, thinking that he is suffering terribly, about to be kicked out, or even packing his bags with the desire to appear at your door…

You may never hear from the man again if he decides to stay and does everything he can to earn her trust…

As far as I know.... if it's the truth he sees this as an opportunity to lay it all on the line. Be bold and not spineless enough to say hey this is not working out anymore. And true I may never hear from this man again. And yes I will move on but it's been very hard since I love him.

[BaileyB]

1 minute ago, Myabee said:

He does not like being controlled by her at all. 

So he told you…

There are many men who complain bitterly about controlling wives, when the truth is - they are not that unhappy in their marriage and they chose to stay. I have certainly know men who like to be with a woman who tells him where to stand, how long ti stand there, and when to smile. They may complain, but they do not leave. 

[Myabee]

14 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Because, that’s what makes him a good partner and this a healthy relationship for you… If you disregard the things that are most important - like character, values, past behavior - and focus on the sexual aspect of your relationship, you will be making a real mistake. 

No no! Way more going on between us then sex that came later... it was months of sharing stuff and building a connection. And yes I called him a sexual pig... I was looking for everything mean and negative to say... anything to kill off the love. Well Bailey that did not work because the heart wants what the heart wants. 

[BaileyB]

2 minutes ago, Myabee said:

I may never hear from this man again. And yes I will move on but it's been very hard since I love him.

May you learn from this experience to be more selective in your partners, more respectful of the warning signs, and less willing to trust so blindly next time…

[Myabee]

2 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

So he told you…

There are many men who complain bitterly about controlling wives, when the truth is - they are not that unhappy in their marriage and they chose to stay. I have certainly know men who like to be with a woman who tells him where to stand, how long ti stand there, and when to smile. They may complain, but they do not leave. 

In his case he had been keeping it all inside and truly does not like it. It was just not the lack of sex but also she laughs at his career and rules the roost. 

[Myabee]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

May you learn from this experience to be more selective in your partners, more respectful of the warning signs, and less willing to trust so blindly next time…

Well duh! I never mean't for this to happen

[BaileyB]

9 minutes ago, Myabee said:

the heart wants what the heart wants. 

Says every single man and woman attempting to justify a poor relationship decision that brings nothing by anxiety, pain, and total agony…

Edited November 20, 2021 by BaileyB

[Myabee]

19 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Says every single man and woman attempting to justify a poor relationship decision that brings nothing by anxiety, pain, and total agony…

Wait! That is not true. People do fall in love even in messy circumstances. Look i will continue to need all banter and support i can get... this is all terrible. I feel like I’m far to sensetive

[Daliah]

18 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Says every single man and woman attempting to justify a poor relationship decision that brings nothing by anxiety, pain, and total agony…

I have to agree BaileyB, it’s utter tosh.. ‘the heart wants what it wants’….I’ve always been of the opinion it’s a pathetic statement for any rational, intelligent human being to make, and usually stated when all logic has disappeared…

[Daliah]

25 minutes ago, Myabee said:

Well duh! I never mean't for this to happen

Myabee, I understand that you are hyper vigilant at the minute, and desperate to know what’s going on, but being rude to someone who wishes you better things won’t make you feel any less agitated.

if you’ve got a bath, fill it up with your favourite bubbles, put on some music that WON’T make you bawl, and relax with a good book…

[Myabee]

3 minutes ago, Daliah said:

Myabee, I understand that you are hyper vigilant at the minute, and desperate to know what’s going on, but being rude to someone who wishes you better things won’t make you feel any less agitated.

if you’ve got a bath, fill it up with your favourite bubbles, put on some music that WON’T make you bawl, and relax with a good book…

I am trying. It's taking ever bit if effort just to eat at the moment. I have an errand to run and I am to anxious to drive. Thank you for kind words...

[BaileyB]

7 minutes ago, Myabee said:

I am trying. It's taking ever bit if effort just to eat at the moment. I have an errand to run and I am to anxious to drive. Thank you for kind words...

Go for a walk if you can. If there is something you like to do, immerse yourself in that for the day. Make plans with a friend tonight. Whatever you must do, focus on yourself today and take care of yourself. 

[Myabee]

11 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Go for a walk if you can. If there is something you like to do, immerse yourself in that for the day. Make plans with a friend tonight. Whatever you must do, focus on yourself today and take care of yourself. 

I have my kids around and will chill with them. The worst of this is being on edge when I have zero clue what is going on with him... 

[BaileyB]

2 minutes ago, Myabee said:

The worst of this is being on edge when I have zero clue what is going on with him... 

I understand. But, that’s also part of the problem. You are way… too emotionally involved in a situation of which you have absolutely no control. 

Kindly, you need to decide that whatever happens, you will be ok. In other words - let it all go… Don’t tie yourself in knots. Do what makes you happy today…

[Myabee]

6 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I understand. But, that’s also part of the problem. You are way… too emotionally involved in a situation of which you have absolutely no control. 

Kindly, you need to decide that whatever happens, you will be ok. In other words - let it all go… Don’t tie yourself in knots. Do what makes you happy today…

Yes of course I know you are very right. 18 months of daily messaging and emoting then D day... really a twister in my mind. I'm also afraid of her now. Just not a good situation and I know my horrendous part in all of this.

Edited November 20, 2021 by Myabee

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Myabee said:

In his case he had been keeping it all inside and truly does not like it. It was just not the lack of sex but also she laughs at his career and rules the roost. 

And yet he is telling you he has to end it because she found out about you.  This would be his perfect "get out" card yet he chooses to end it with you to stay with her.  Sorry, but this sounds like most of the other affairs that come to this board.  Same outcome.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Myabee said:

The worst of this is being on edge when I have zero clue what is going on with him... 

 

1 hour ago, Myabee said:

I'm also afraid of her now

What's going on between them is none of your business and there is no reason to be afraid of her since you live 3000 miles away.  I doubt she will travel that distance to get in your face.  What is going on with him is probably a lot of lying and begging her to forgive him.   No longer your problem as he has ended it finally.

[Myabee]

25 minutes ago, stillafool said:

 

What's going on between them is none of your business and there is no reason to be afraid of her since you live 3000 miles away.  I doubt she will travel that distance to get in your face.  What is going on with him is probably a lot of lying and begging her to forgive him.   No longer your problem as he has ended it finally.

Oh you are not kidding and so flipping right! I have now figured out that I have been 100% fooled big time. I knew if I text him today at work to selfishly ease my anxiety he would answer.... It started with are you ok.... then onto a short phone call... mark my word the last phone call ever! I asked if he was being thrown out? He said they are ok for the short term? Long term he has no clue. I said wait... you have a salary you can move out anytime you want.... his reply.... oh she would turn off bank cards and oh that he would have no car??? Oh come on already flipping Jesus does he think I am that stupid? I almost bet if I called his wife she did not find out and this is his ploy to get rid of me. He claims she made him take the password off of his phone and she can check it anytime. He can have no contact with me until he knows the outcome long term with them because that would be lying to her. Then has the audacity to say he loves me and nothing has changed and he will reach out at some other time... Bs.... pffftttt to him.  Now I can move the heck on this is all one big lie!!!!!!! Liar liar liar!!!!! I did actually throw up.  

Edited November 20, 2021 by Myabee

[BaileyB]

6 minutes ago, Myabee said:

I asked if he was being thrown out? He said they are ok for the short term.

You assumed that once discovered, he would leave or she would throw him out. You expected that this would be your opportunity to bring this together -

Turns out, he not going anywhere. He has made his choice, and he is exactly where he wants to be. 

Affairs are not a choice between this relationship or that relationship - he still wants to have this relationship AND your relationship. 

Lesson learned. I hope.

Edited November 20, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

24 minutes ago, Myabee said:

He said they are ok for the short term

It looks like he chose to save his own behind…

24 minutes ago, Myabee said:

Long term he has no clue.

But, he offered you some more false hope - who knows what will happen long term… It may still be you, someday…

25 minutes ago, Myabee said:

Then has the audacity to say he loves me and nothing has changed and he will reach out at some other time...

Once things settle down, it can all go back to normal and things will be fine. Lucky you.

[Myabee]

23 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

You assumed that once discovered, he would leave or she would throw him out. You expected that this would be your opportunity to bring this together -

Turns out, he not going anywhere. He has made his choice, and he is exactly where he wants to be. 

Affairs are not a choice between this relationship or that relationship - he still wants to have this relationship AND your relationship. 

Lesson learned. I hope.

Lesson learned to say the least and I doubt she even knows a thing i call big lie