do they actually leave?

[Maylady]

8 hours ago, czanclus said:

OK, then all on you for getting yourself so entangled. It was a lesson. Must have been some really special chap.  Glad you moved on and grew from it.

Ha no nothing special.  He was an escape.  He always told me he loved his wife and children.   I look back and almost feel like a desperate cling on.  We had sex twice...once in a hotel and once on a dead end street in a car...his wifes car.  He  felt so jittery after and nervous.  When i look back the sex that i first thought was so wonderful really wasnt.  Anyway his wife found out he dropped me like a hot rock, blocked me everywhere.  I tried to call him from friends phones.  Then he basically told me to beat it.  Yeah, nothing special.

[Daliah]

As someone mentioned. Blocking  him and getting on with your life is now easier than it’s ever going to be, and if you don’t, that speaks volumes. Stop clinging to this jacka*s. I was fortunate to have been met by a terribly upset but dignified wife. HIS wife is red hot cross. He says with him…at the moment…it won’t be long before her attention turns to you, and she WILL find you. What she does when she does is as unpredictable as next months weather…

Buckle up.

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, Daliah said:

she WILL find you

I agree, she will badger him for your details and he will give them to her to save his own skin.
If she focuses some or all of  her anger onto you, he will be off the hook.
Of course he will likely blame you, you pursued him, he was weak and flattered and stupid... etc.  
A shared "hatred" of the OW can be a means to a reconciliation.

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, Daliah said:

As someone mentioned. Blocking  him and getting on with your life is now easier than it’s ever going to be, and if you don’t, that speaks volumes. Stop clinging to this jacka*s. I was fortunate to have been met by a terribly upset but dignified wife. HIS wife is red hot cross. He says with him…at the moment…it won’t be long before her attention turns to you, and she WILL find you. What she does when she does is as unpredictable as next months weather…

Buckle up.

Ok why are you people trying to instill even more fear in me? This is not a good time for that. Last conversation was yesterday with him while he was at work to find out what in the heck she actually saw on his phone. He explained that he had no pics saved or video thank god. But it was some texts that had proof of him saying I was his gf and how much he loves me. We talked in depth about all of this and he concluded this had been a long time coming meaning the fact that he had put off the hard talks about a dead marriage and now this discovery will force those conversations. He claimed he does not see that it's fixable and then we talked more about how in a sense we both had been married to a controlling partner as she rules the roost and he has given her that power. I see a few scenarios happening. He either saves face and throws me under the bus nothing gets fixed. Or he stands up and actually asks for what he needs wants, or he leaves and gets his own apartment in his area because at this point he needs his current job. I asked for her cell number and the home phone to block both numbers, I deactivated my social media and called my cell carrier and had my number changed. So let her try and find me now. All is private as is address and I'm 3000 miles away. If she does... I will provide her with full honesty of what had been going on for 18 months. 

[Myabee]

37 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I agree, she will badger him for your details and he will give them to her to save his own skin.
If she focuses some or all of  her anger onto you, he will be off the hook.
Of course he will likely blame you, you pursued him, he was weak and flattered and stupid... etc.  
A shared "hatred" of the OW can be a means to a reconciliation.

Let her hate me. She has bigger problems with her husband to deal with and if they are not resolved then chances are another one of me with be in her future as well. 

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

I agree, she will badger him for your details and he will give them to her to save his own skin.
If she focuses some or all of  her anger onto you, he will be off the hook.
Of course he will likely blame you, you pursued him, he was weak and flattered and stupid... etc.  
A shared "hatred" of the OW can be a means to a reconciliation.

"A shared "hatred" of the OW can be a means to a reconciliation."

 

If thats a case a shared hatred then that's pretty pathetic and it's not addressing the  issues within the marriage at all. Plus he does not hate me.

[elaine567]

3 minutes ago, Myabee said:

"A shared "hatred" of the OW can be a means to a reconciliation."

 

If thats a case a shared hatred then that's pretty pathetic and it's not addressing the  issues within the marriage at all. Plus he does not hate me.

I put hatred in inverted commas. She hates you and he, to please and placate her and to save his marriage, will "hate" you too
He may not hate you now but sometimes indulging in shared hate can be bonding.
"WE are fine, that scarlet woman dared to try to spilt us up, WE will not let her."

[Myabee]

9 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I put hatred in inverted commas. She hates you and he, to please and placate her and to save his marriage, will "hate" you too
He may not hate you now but sometimes indulging in shared hate can be bonding.
"WE are fine, that scarlet woman dared to try to spilt us up, WE will not let her."

Ok. Well I did not intentionally try to split anyone up. We fell into this both and are guilty and things went way to far. I'm guilty as is he. If he ends up hating me so be it. I'm a mess at the moment. But perhaps it had to come to this. Which way do you think this will go Elaine? Will he try to save face and really hate me? Honestly...the worse part is not knowing anything at the moment. 

Edited November 20, 2021 by Myabee

[Daliah]

35 minutes ago, Myabee said:

Ok. Well I did not intentionally try to split anyone up. We fell into this both and are guilty and things went way to far. I'm guilty as is he. If he ends up hating me so be it. I'm a mess at the moment. But perhaps it had to come to this. Which way do you think this will go Elaine? Will he try to save face and really hate me? Honestly...the worse part is not knowing anything at the moment. 

Typically, and I say this gently, nobody is here to scare or chastise as I’ve said before,  he will be scrabbling to save his own a*se.  He’s been well and truly caught with his hand in the coolie jar, and she’ll be watching him like a hawk, waiting for his next mistake.  Don’t underestimate her. As someone here recently said,  she’ll be a  better detective than poirot if it suits her to hunt you down for the truth. My advice to you when/if she does, is to be kind and honest. Don’t take any viciousness, but tell the truth calmly if she’s open to it.

On the other hand, if he means what he says to you, he’ll be at your door with his bags,  and within the coming days, but really Myabee, what have you ‘won’? A lying, cheating excuse of a man without the courage of his convictions. 

That old adage if they’ll do it with you they’ll do it to you is profound indeed.

I believe he’ll be blathering his jaws off to placate his wife and save himself, wait for the dust to settle and be back to you to resume the affair with the same old horse manure tale he’s been spinning you. I don’t think anything would change frankly

Save yourself. You’ve blocked his wife at every corner you can think of, why don’t you end the agony and do the same to him.  Gain an actual life free of all the proverbial.

Edited November 20, 2021 by Daliah
Grammar

[Myabee]

24 minutes ago, Daliah said:

Typically, and I say this gently, nobody is here to scare or chastise as I’ve said before,  he will be scrabbling to save his own a*se.  He’s been well and truly caught with his hand in the coolie jar, and she’ll be watching him like a hawk, waiting for his next mistake.  Don’t underestimate her. As someone here recently said,  she’ll be a  better detective than poirot if it suits her to hunt you down for the truth. My advice to you when/if she does, is to be kind and honest. Don’t take any viciousness, but tell the truth calmly if she’s open to it.

On the other hand, if he means what he says to you, he’ll be at your door with his bags,  and within the coming days, but really Myabee, what have you ‘won’? A lying, cheating excuse of a man without the courage of his convictions. 

That old adage if they’ll do it with you they’ll do it to you is profound indeed.

I believe he’ll be blathering his jaws off to placate his wife and save himself, wait for the dust to settle and be back to you to resume the affair with the same old horse manure tale he’s been spinning you. I don’t think anything would change frankly

Save yourself. You’ve blocked his wife at every corner you can think of, why don’t you end the agony and do the same to him.  Gain an actual life free of all the proverbial.

Thank you for saying this in a more gentle way. What would I have won? A man who understands my heart. Something I have never had in my life. I do believe this is his first offense as a cheat and I do not think he is a serial cheat and that real issues within him exist as do real issues in his marriage exist. As for ending up at my door... That would not happen right away. He said if it comes down to leaving he would get an apartment in his area so he can keep his job. He is not financially stable  enough to just quit his line of work. I am 3000 miles away and I def understand it is a monumental task to relocate his entire being over night... Do I want that? Idk at this point but I know that as terrible as it sounds I am in love with him. I know I sound so horrible. If she were to find me and confront me Of course I would not be cruel and I would be very honest about all that has taken place. I also have no idea what transpired overnight when he got home from work late... being in the dark is very upsetting to me. 

Edited November 20, 2021 by Myabee

[elaine567]

27 minutes ago, Myabee said:

I also have no idea what transpired overnight when he got home from work late... being in the dark is very upsetting to me. 

What often happens is the wife demands he never contact you again and if she has access to his phone will police him.
He, if he wants to stay married, will comply.
Some OWs never hear from him again, some may hear further down the line when he feels it is safe, some will somehow manage to get around the wife's rules.
I think some men are actually  glad the wife found out, it saves them the trouble of ending it and they can then hide behind their wife...

[Myabee]

5 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

What often happens is the wife demands he never contact you again and if she has access to his phone will police him.
He, if he wants to stay married, will comply.
Some OWs never hear from him again, some may hear further down the line when he feels it is safe, some will somehow manage to get around the wife's rules.
I think some men are actually  glad the wife found out, it saves them the trouble of ending it and they can then hide behind their wife...

He did say this was the silver lining to confront stuff that has been a long time coming. He also said he would reach out after laying low for a while. What do you suppose that means? I have terrible anxeity at the moment. 

Edited November 20, 2021 by Myabee

[elaine567]

Ok so laying low is about waiting till she calms down and he feels safe enough to contact you. 
He is laying low so as not to rock the boat. Which likely means he is going nowhere fast.
He may be able to get past her in a few hours/days or it may be weeks/months... how long is a piece of string?

[Myabee]

10 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Ok so laying low is about waiting till she calms down and he feels safe enough to contact you. 
He is laying low so as not to rock the boat. Which likely means he is going nowhere fast.
He may be able to get past her in a few hours/days or it may be weeks/months... how long is a piece of string?

Yes... unless she throws him out which could have happened already? Being in the dark is riddled with anxeity and fear. This sucks and I do not know how I can move forward when Idk if he is ok? I know if I contacted him from a bogus second number I have later today he prob would reply since he will be at work 

Edited November 20, 2021 by Myabee

[elaine567]

1 minute ago, Myabee said:

Yes... unless she throws him out which could have happened already? Being in the dark is riddled with anxeity and fear. This sucks and I do not know how I can move forward when Idk if he is ok? 

Why wouldn't he be OK?

[Myabee]

1 minute ago, elaine567 said:

Why wouldn't he be OK?

He was a mess elaine. A mess that he got caught and a mess that he had to back away from me.

[RebeccaR]

3 minutes ago, Myabee said:

He was a mess elaine. A mess that he got caught and a mess that he had to back away from me.

Myabee, as a mother you are programmed that you have to fix these messes. I know that feeling. But he is a grown man  - he’s not your child. He has to fix his own mess. Unless he’s specifically asking you for help, you need to respect his wishes to lay low.

Edited November 20, 2021 by RebeccaR

[elaine567]

He'll be fine.
MM do tend to land on their feet.
You need to look after YOU.

[Myabee]

1 minute ago, elaine567 said:

He'll be fine.
MM do tend to land on their feet.
You need to look after YOU.

I’m sunk... anxious in tears in the dark just a large mess and I’m not listening to adele I had to break a laugh for a sec as literally losing it. 

[RebeccaR]

3 minutes ago, Myabee said:

I’m sunk... anxious in tears in the dark just a large mess and I’m not listening to adele I had to break a laugh for a sec as literally losing it. 

Now is a good time to remember things you disliked about him, like he’s a sexual pig and spineless. Go ahead and yell at him in your head and out loud if it makes you feel better. There was a long list of negatives which is why you kept ending it with him. Now you want him because it seems you can’t have him, but in reality you had a lot of complaints about him.

[Myabee]

11 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

Now is a good time to remember things you disliked about him, like he’s a sexual pig and spineless. Go ahead and yell at him in your head and out loud if it makes you feel better. There was a long list of negatives which is why you kept ending it with him. Now you want him because it seems you can’t have him, but in reality you had a lot of complaints about him.

Well I like the sexual side of him it was between us and he felt free to express himself that way. As for spineless... he is as as spinless as I was for years in allowing someone to control me in a marriage... as he expressed that has been a large issue for him. The deep connection probably developed to the commonalities we both shared.  Truthfully and hate me for saying it I am in love with him.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Myabee said:

What would I have won? A man who understands my heart.

Good Lord. 

That’s all I can say. I was about to post that this is a gift - you can now move on with your life. But you are waiting for this spineless cheat to show up at your door and you are prepared to take him in - thinking that you have actually won “the love of your life.” 

The heartache you have experienced to this point will be nothing compared to the disappointment you will feel when you finally understand the reality of this situation. I’m sorry to be blunt. It’s just really unfortunate that you can not accept the excellent advice and heed the warnings that has been offered to you in this discussion. 

 

[BaileyB]

4 minutes ago, Myabee said:

Well I like the sexual side of him it was between us and he felt free to express himself that way.

Because, that’s what makes him a good partner and this a healthy relationship for you… If you disregard the things that are most important - like character, values, past behavior - and focus on the sexual aspect of your relationship, you will be making a real mistake. 

[RebeccaR]

Just now, BaileyB said:

Because, that’s what makes him a good partner and this a healthy relationship for you… If you disregard the things that are most important - like character, values, past behavior - and focus on the sexual aspect of your relationship, you will be making a real mistake. 

One of her biggest complaints was he was using her to get off via FaceTime. She called him a pig, not me. Suddenly this is part of his appeal? I don’t get it 

[BaileyB]

Just now, RebeccaR said:

One of her biggest complaints was he was using her to get off via FaceTime. She called him a pig, not me. Suddenly this is part of his appeal? I don’t get it 

She will also complain when he moves in with her and she catches him using another woman to get off with via Face Time.

When someone shows you who they truly are - believe them.