do they actually leave?

[Myabee]

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes. Reconnect with some old friends. That's vastly different than horny lying cheaters, whether you were acquainted with them before or not.

And yes, in addition to expanding your real time life, get on some quality dating apps.

Dating apps are far less "scary" than going down the "my spouse doesn't understand" rabbit hole and pack of lies.

Date locally. Keep in mind unavailable people choose other unavailable people.

That's why this far away married guy was appealing. You were lonely but not ready to date.

If you are now, then you'll be ok talking to and meeting men for coffee.

Truth is, I might not be ready to date yet. For example a friend of mine had me friend a guy about my age divorced now 5 years. I reached out made some coversation and first words out of mouth do you like sex? To that right away in my head I was like NO thank you. Of course I enjoy sex however not a casual fling type. That was a red flag to stay away from.that guy.

Edited July 10, 2021 by Myabee

[Myabee]

2 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Most MM in affairs are conflict avoidant as if they weren't they would sort out the issues in their marriage by either taking the bull by the horns and fixing things OR they would decide its not working, we need to divorce and be the best co-parents for our kids that we can be.
NO, they shilly shally, dilly dally, moan and play the victim, find a willing woman to sneak around with, and tell both women what they want to hear, all fine and dandy... until it isn't...

Agree! Conflict aviodant truly opened my eyes in this situation. 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Myabee said:

Truth is, I might not be ready to date yet. 

Sure there's horndogs and jerks out there. However the damage from a fantasy affair with this married jerk is equally if not more dangerous.

Screen, that's the key. Married? No. Horndog?. No. It's that simple.

[Myabee]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sure there's horndogs and jerks out there. However the damage from a fantasy affair with this married jerk is equally if not more dangerous.

Screen, that's the key. Married? No. Horndog?. No. It's that simple.

Of course I know this. I did try to screen one recently and as posted a few minutes ago available horndog and no thank you. Lol.

Edited July 10, 2021 by Myabee

[glows]

Yes, but keep screening and don't tire of it either. You can always check in on yourself and what you're looking for in a partner. Those elements or characteristics can change over time. What might have seemed interesting in a person at one time not longer is interesting anymore or something you may want to deal with. 

As for that person who asked the question 'do you like sex', you never have to answer something so asinine and rude. Just block (make sure you actually block that person from ever contacting you again) and delete the contact. His question just shows he's not ready to date yet. Don't let it discourage you and meet others. 

 

[NYAG]

23 hours ago, elaine567 said:

The survival instinct is strong in MM.

I think you mean the 'not getting caught' instinct, but yes.

[elaine567]

39 minutes ago, NYAG said:

I think you mean the 'not getting caught' instinct, but yes.

Yes they do whatever will produce the best outcome for them.
Getting what they want with no negative consequences for themselves is paramount.

[Myabee]

4 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Yes they do whatever will produce the best outcome for them.
Getting what they want with no negative consequences for themselves is paramount.

So true! 

[Myabee]

23 hours ago, glows said:

Yes, but keep screening and don't tire of it either. You can always check in on yourself and what you're looking for in a partner. Those elements or characteristics can change over time. What might have seemed interesting in a person at one time not longer is interesting anymore or something you may want to deal with. 

As for that person who asked the question 'do you like sex', you never have to answer something so asinine and rude. Just block (make sure you actually block that person from ever contacting you again) and delete the contact. His question just shows he's not ready to date yet. Don't let it discourage you and meet others. 

 

Haha... Oh I blocked him for sure! Think I have to block MM now as i get a good morning text. I caved and reply. Happy morning to you. Enjoy a lovely conflict avoidance day with wifey opps my bad 

[glows]

1 minute ago, Myabee said:

Haha... Oh I blocked him for sure! Think I have to block MM now as i get a good morning text. I caved and reply. Happy morning to you. Enjoy a lovely conflict avoidance day with wifey opps my bad 

That’s fine since it’s done but passive aggressive/underhanded. It opens yourself up to more wheedling and conversation about what you mean in such a comment. Then would you answer again? He may wheedle and weasel some more and you will answer yet again? Do you see a pattern? 

You can follow it up with a clear “Please do not contact me again and I wish you all the best.” Then block the contact. If you’re serious about moving on and he doesn’t respect you, yes, block. 

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, glows said:

That’s fine since it’s done but passive aggressive/underhanded. It opens yourself up to more wheedling and conversation about what you mean in such a comment. Then would you answer again? He may wheedle and weasel some more and you will answer yet again? Do you see a pattern? 

You can follow it up with a clear “Please do not contact me again and I wish you all the best.” Then block the contact. If you’re serious about moving on and he doesn’t respect you, yes, block. 

I sent him an article about conflict avoidance and seeking therapy for himself and the marriage. Then said I do not wish to here from you again.

[RebeccaR]

On 7/10/2021 at 6:21 AM, Myabee said:

Then he flip flops back to I really will be ok I like my life.

My guess is this is true. He likes his life enough and was enjoying a little online fantasy - you were unfortunate to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

You did the right thing by telling him not to contact you again. Sending him the article was a little too involved, at this point you just want to be indifferent to him. It doesn’t matter if he’s conflict avoidant now he’s out of your life.

[Myabee]

45 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

My guess is this is true. He likes his life enough and was enjoying a little online fantasy - you were unfortunate to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

You did the right thing by telling him not to contact you again. Sending him the article was a little too involved, at this point you just want to be indifferent to him. It doesn’t matter if he’s conflict avoidant now he’s out of your life.

He told me he has been stuffing his feelings for years. This is due in part to a bad relationship with his father. He is also divorced once before this last marriage. He clearly has many problems and is conflict avoidant and I was happy to shove that in this slime balls face. He did use me for online thrills! Claims he's not a player, well I know longer believe that at all! Only a matter of time before another person like me falls for his baloney. I could care less actually how his marriage turns out. He is messed up! As someone else said "He is not a friend".

[Myabee]

On 7/10/2021 at 5:44 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

Sorry, this is an excuse. 

Why? Because he doesn't need to secure a job in your area to end his marriage. He can end his marriage regardless. That would show you he's serious about faciliating an evenutal relationship with you. He can make himself single and available whenever he wants. That in and of itself has zero to do with his job position. 

You need to stop falling for eveything this man tells you. He's full of it. 

 

Oh he was full of it alright! I walked away! No thank you to a conflict avoidant player. 

[Donnas]

Because both of you are unhappy in your marriage, could be a reason why you think you found love in each other.

Since both of you are married, best is to block him invest in therapy and stuff to work on your marriage issues. Instead of adding one more issue to it.

And if it's divorce....wait till it finalized for  both of you....and take some time heal first.

 

 

[Donnas]

On 7/9/2021 at 9:12 PM, BaileyB said:

Most married men who cheat on their wives are conflict avoidant. Seeking out another person to meet the needs that are not being met in his marriage rather than doing the work of dealing with the problems in the marriage or filing for divorce is the easier, conflict avoidant way to solve the problem…

If he wasn’t conflict avoidant, he would decide the fate of his marriage and file for divorce before/without involving another woman in his marriage and monkey branching from her home to yours…

Yes both of them is doing this.

[Myabee]

Just now, Donnas said:

Because both of you are unhappy in your marriage, could be a reason why you think you found love in each other.

Since both of you are married, best is to block him invest in therapy and stuff to work on your marriage issues. Instead of adding one more issue to it.

And if it's divorce....wait till it finalized for  both of you....and take some time heal first.

 

 

Huh? I'm separated on road to divorce not living with husband and did not reach out to him before hand. He claims to be happy yet was playing around with me. Probably should read my last thread I walked away from this conflict avoidant idiot. He has many issues. 

[Myabee]

2 minutes ago, Donnas said:

Yes both of them is doing this.

I was not with my soon to be ex when we started talking so both of us is wrong. Thanks! 

[Donnas]

4 hours ago, Myabee said:

Huh? I'm separated on road to divorce not living with husband and did not reach out to him before hand. He claims to be happy yet was playing around with me. Probably should read my last thread I walked away from this conflict avoidant idiot. He has many issues. 

[ ]

As long as your name got married on it doesn't matter in what stage of divorce you are,you still not single.You are married. And you did say you contacted him. So you both was wrong knowing that you both still not divorced and free !!!!!

Edited July 11, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude

[Donnas]

You both avoid conflict if you seek him while your marriage is having hard time.but now you say you are waiting your divorce to finalize..?....ok...

[Myabee]

23 minutes ago, Donnas said:

You both avoid conflict if you seek him while your marriage is having hard time.but now you say you are waiting your divorce to finalize..?....ok...

Umm I really don't think you get it! I have custody papers a legal separation and divorce proceedings are in the works. I did not seek him. I asked how a very old friend from  HS was who I had no feelings for ever in my life. He is 100% married and as we got talking went in and out of happily married, to talks about leaving, to wanting sexual stuff with me. I took the bait from this player who is cheating in his wife who he sleeps in bed with. Please do not compare this monster to me. Good day. 

[glows]

11 hours ago, Myabee said:

He told me he has been stuffing his feelings for years. This is due in part to a bad relationship with his father. He is also divorced once before this last marriage. He clearly has many problems and is conflict avoidant and I was happy to shove that in this slime balls face. He did use me for online thrills! Claims he's not a player, well I know longer believe that at all! Only a matter of time before another person like me falls for his baloney. I could care less actually how his marriage turns out. He is messed up! As someone else said "He is not a friend".

No, he probably isn’t a real friend, not even to himself. He’s willy nilly all over the place. 

You’re also angry which is understandable. Hurt people often don’t know they’re hurting or that they’re damaging others. You did fall for his hot mess though so some accountability is needed. Maybe you were vulnerable then (more so than now). Like I said earlier, file your divorce. You’ll feel so much better once that’s behind you and you can start dating available men because you’re available. 

Edited July 12, 2021 by glows

[Starswillshine]

Many OW laser focus on conflict avoidance when it is brought up here. They often blame his cowardness to man up and leave his wife as the reason they cannot be together. 

OP, when you also have to realize this conflict avoidance extends to EVERYONE in his life. You, included. What he shares about his home life could be true, but could also very well be all lies. What he says about his feelings for you can be true but also can be lies. He does not want to upset anyone. So he lies. 

So instead of thinking of this man who is your best friend whom you share so many things with, think of him as a chameleon who changed his shades to be a reflection of YOU to avoid any conflict. 

[Myabee]

53 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

Many OW laser focus on conflict avoidance when it is brought up here. They often blame his cowardness to man up and leave his wife as the reason they cannot be together. 

OP, when you also have to realize this conflict avoidance extends to EVERYONE in his life. You, included. What he shares about his home life could be true, but could also very well be all lies. What he says about his feelings for you can be true but also can be lies. He does not want to upset anyone. So he lies. 

So instead of thinking of this man who is your best friend whom you share so many things with, think of him as a chameleon who changed his shades to be a reflection of YOU to avoid any conflict. 

Yes Yes Yes to all! I totally see he is conflict avoidant across the board. I was just talking with my therapist about this yesterday. She told me that is pretty spot on. I'm more conflict resolution focused. I did try everything in my power while married to a narcissist to save the marriage.I see now ex to be was pretty conflict avoidant too. Something about me must attract these types!

[Starswillshine]

1 minute ago, Myabee said:

Yes Yes Yes to all! I totally see he is conflict avoidant across the board. I was just talking with my therapist about this yesterday. She told me that is pretty spot on. I'm more conflict resolution focused. I did try everything in my power while married to a narcissist to save the marriage.I see now ex to be was pretty conflict avoidant too. Something about me must attract these types!

Same here. I am very resolution based, which gave my ex husband an instruction manual to manipulate me.