do they actually leave?

[RebeccaR]

22 minutes ago, Myabee said:

 Exactly... Exactly!! I have been telling him this all along. I had a horrendous day of exchange with him my own stupidity. 

He says this: MM script? 

 

Of course you messed with the status quo. I wasn’t looking for anything to change. I don’t blame you for that though. But the status quo doesn’t exist anymore because now you’re here. And we have a deep connection. And I don’t know what to do about that.  

All he’s saying is he wants both. But at the very least, you shouldn’t have to share! Please figure out s way to block him forever 

[Myabee]

28 minutes ago, Myabee said:

Should I just tell her really? Part of me believes what he says. But not all of it??? 

Now he says this: 

 

I didn’t say you felt insulted. I said you start insulting me. Which you’re continuing to do. You talk about moving mountains and you don’t have any plan to even leave your house. You’re not blowing your life up either so it’s not fair that you keep expecting me to. I do miss you but if all I’m doing is frustrating you then I can stay away. It doesn’t mean I won’t miss you. 

 

And this is all crazyyyy I live in my house with my young adults my H i kicked out almost a year ago.  Where does he expect me to go? 

Edited November 12, 2021 by Myabee

[Myabee]

Oh and he finally just admitted the truth about the family issues most that of his father meaning pretty much zero chance he would come back to my area his old area because he would not want to be anywhere near his dad. I'm actually glad he finally fessed up about that one. 

[Myabee]

52 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

All he’s saying is he wants both. But at the very least, you shouldn’t have to share! Please figure out s way to block him forever 

Guess what... he can't have both. I think I've been loving a toddler. 

[LynneVicious]

1 hour ago, Myabee said:

Guess what... he can't have both. I think I've been loving a toddler. 

You have complete power to change this situation, yet still you won’t. You will have to continue to share him until his wife finds out. And then, you won’t have to share anymore because you know he’ll be staying with his wife, for whatever reasons he has. 

[Daliah]

7 hours ago, Myabee said:

Now he says this: 

 

I didn’t say you felt insulted. I said you start insulting me. Which you’re continuing to do. You talk about moving mountains and you don’t have any plan to even leave your house. You’re not blowing your life up either so it’s not fair that you keep expecting me to. I do miss you but if all I’m doing is frustrating you then I can stay away. It doesn’t mean I won’t miss you. 

 

And this is all crazyyyy I live in my house with my young adults my H i kicked out almost a year ago.  Where does he expect me to go? 

It’s interesting that his narrative is changing as you continue to ‘question’ his motives…he’s a dick frankly, and I wouldn’t touch him with a barge pole. Yet another ‘man child’ throwing  his toys out because he isn’t getting what he wants.. ’

You asked what happened when I sent the message to his wife. I sent it with a sincere apology and an invitation to contact me to discuss. Thankfully, I’m too shrewd (but obviously wasn’t shrewd enough back then) to ignore alarm bells for whatever reason, so my dalliance with this poor woman’s charming s*it bag wasn’t ever made for longevity. I was terrified of the consequences though.

She did get in touch and was terribly upset. It made me feel like the whore of Babylon, I was literally mortified at the pain and anguish I had deliberately and factitiously directed to a person I had never even met. I agreed to meet her.  I’ll never forget the look on her face.  I took her anger, distress, and eventually her utterly crushed tears. I had plenty of my own. Directed at her selfish, disgusting pig of a husband.  She said she’d had the odd alarm bell ring but couldn’t allow herself to consider that the man who’d promised to protect her was the same man who might be capable of literally killing her heart. She doubted herself she said, and believed there was no way he’d do anything so cruel to her.  God it was awful. Still makes my gut roll as I relive it.

I answered every  one of her questions, and even though my self preservation instincts told me to protect myself I swallowed the bile because I didn’t have that right. I had taken her agency away simply by entertaining her errant husband.  I was disgusted with myself and she saw that. Of course she was angry, wouldn’t you be if you discovered someone was shagging your husband behind your back? Of course you would! I deserved it. She left and I went home exhausted. She never contacted me again, and I don’t know if he did because I literally shut him down at every corner so he couldn’t. Their marriage was none of my business and I had a new life to build from the ruins.

It’s the reason I come here periodically. It’d caused me so much pain, but  It taught me so much  I don’t post prolifically but I do read.  If I can help just one get out of this toxic situation then I’ve done something. Respectfully, I don’t think I’m the norm.  I’m not inherently selfish (although of course we all have the propensity to selfish acts) but what I did was selfish and I took full responsibility for that regardless of his hearts and flowers bull*hit. He took me by surprise and I let him. Fell for it and gobbled it up until the cracks started to show. Bast*rd.

My conscience was bigger than my ego. I’m not saying it wasn’t a battle, or hard to navigate, but it was essential to saving my sanity and my integrity. 

[Myabee]

6 hours ago, S2B said:

I don’t see why you need to communicate with him at all at this point. His main goal is to keep you in the OW position!

he’s a time waster… and staying in communication with him is to his benefit and feeds his ego.

he gets two helpings of his serving and you get crumbs. Why would you settle for that?

you deserve better. Just stop altogether! He’s using you because you have allowed it! Stop allowing it!

I have even told him several times he is wasting my time then he says "ok" this is a broken man child in a roommate marriage who is comfy and lacks zero courage to even try and improve the situation. In a way I have played therapist to him... it makes me want to gag now. So I ended with last night say if you can't have the sex with her then work on getting some communication back as well as friendship. Sounds good right? He replied yes. Then I said you enjoy her right? His reply I think your probably right about that. I said good. Your all fixed. Now go spend time with your wife! Off to bed and that was that. I guess it took casting a fishing line to get the real truth here. He set me free now because this is a man who is a big selfish baby because his pee pee and ego need attention. I'm not built that way.   

[Myabee]

2 hours ago, Daliah said:

It’s interesting that his narrative is changing as you continue to ‘question’ his motives…he’s a dick frankly, and I wouldn’t touch him with a barge pole. Yet another ‘man child’ throwing  his toys out because he isn’t getting what he wants.. ’

You asked what happened when I sent the message to his wife. I sent it with a sincere apology and an invitation to contact me to discuss. Thankfully, I’m too shrewd (but obviously wasn’t shrewd enough back then) to ignore alarm bells for whatever reason, so my dalliance with this poor woman’s charming s*it bag wasn’t ever made for longevity. I was terrified of the consequences though.

She did get in touch and was terribly upset. It made me feel like the whore of Babylon, I was literally mortified at the pain and anguish I had deliberately and factitiously directed to a person I had never even met. I agreed to meet her.  I’ll never forget the look on her face.  I took her anger, distress, and eventually her utterly crushed tears. I had plenty of my own. Directed at her selfish, disgusting pig of a husband.  She said she’d had the odd alarm bell ring but couldn’t allow herself to consider that the man who’d promised to protect her was the same man who might be capable of literally killing her heart. She doubted herself she said, and believed there was no way he’d do anything so cruel to her.  God it was awful. Still makes my gut roll as I relive it.

I answered every  one of her questions, and even though my self preservation instincts told me to protect myself I swallowed the bile because I didn’t have that right. I had taken her agency away simply by entertaining her errant husband.  I was disgusted with myself and she saw that. Of course she was angry, wouldn’t you be if you discovered someone was shagging your husband behind your back? Of course you would! I deserved it. She left and I went home exhausted. She never contacted me again, and I don’t know if he did because I literally shut him down at every corner so he couldn’t. Their marriage was none of my business and I had a new life to build from the ruins.

It’s the reason I come here periodically. It’d caused me so much pain, but  It taught me so much  I don’t post prolifically but I do read.  If I can help just one get out of this toxic situation then I’ve done something. Respectfully, I don’t think I’m the norm.  I’m not inherently selfish (although of course we all have the propensity to selfish acts) but what I did was selfish and I took full responsibility for that regardless of his hearts and flowers bull*hit. He took me by surprise and I let him. Fell for it and gobbled it up until the cracks started to show. Bast*rd.

My conscience was bigger than my ego. I’m not saying it wasn’t a battle, or hard to navigate, but it was essential to saving my sanity and my integrity. 

In a world that lacks honesty at the moment this is such a refreshing post as it is straight from the heart. You are very well written and I highly commend your integrity to take full responsibly for this situation. I realize this was hard on you, and the Wife, yet you seemed to accomplish so much by taking this route. I have made a firm decision not to inform his wife as I feel that some how and in some way some day she will wake up and see the man child she lives with... or she will just turn a blind eye too it because they are in a cozy roommate marriage. I for one could not settle for that. I am looking for a healthy relationship that is built on trust and honest communication. I don't see that character trait in this MM so let him carry on in a way that works for him. Taking time alone to become more whole and learn more about who I am. Thank you soooo very much for putting it all out there. I have a feeling this post will resonate with many OW. Your a good egg.  

[RebeccaR]

15 minutes ago, Myabee said:

I for one could not settle for that. I am looking for a healthy relationship that is built on trust and honest communication. I don't see that character trait in this MM

But you knew at the beginning he was dishonest with his wife, yet you continued for over a year. Why? Did you think he would be honest with you while he was lying to her?

[elaine567]

4 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

Did you think he would be honest with you while he was lying to her?

Most OW think like this.
She is the one who knows the real story, sees the real him,  whilst his wife is in the dark.
A shared secret is great for bonding, it gives her an importance and a priority she doesn't have otherwise.
His wife may share his life, see him every day, but his OW is his soulmate, the one he really wants, the one he would move mountains and even die for...
Until she finds out he was kind of lying...

[Crazelnut]

Stop. Talking. To. Him.

[Starswillshine]

23 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Most OW think like this.
She is the one who knows the real story, sees the real him,  whilst his wife is in the dark.
A shared secret is great for bonding, it gives her an importance and a priority she doesn't have otherwise.
His wife may share his life, see him every day, but his OW is his soulmate, the one he really wants, the one he would move mountains and even die for...
Until she finds out he was kind of lying...

Also, the wife won't accept the MM for who he truly is, but the OW does accept him as the cheating man he really is. 

Seriously words that came out of the OW mouth, "he was honest with me. He said he couldn't be honest with you." I'm, yes, of course, he couldn't tell me he was snagging chicks on the side.... 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Myabee said:

I have even told him several times he is wasting my time then he says "ok"

Kindly, you are wasting your time when you chose to continue to talk with this married man. 
 

Edited November 12, 2021 by BaileyB

[Maylady]

I've noticed that its not only married men who have much of the same script, us other women have badically the same script too.  At least from my own experience and what I've read here

[Myabee]

26 minutes ago, Maylady said:

I've noticed that its not only married men who have much of the same script, us other women have badically the same script too.  At least from my own experience and what I've read here

I think you are very right. It probably is all scripted to a certain degree. I do know it's crazy and one big mess. I also know now it's not worth it. 

[Myabee]

4 minutes ago, S2B said:

Did you block every way he can contact you? 

No. That accomplishes nothing. I have to just let it be and that's that. Absolutely nothing this MM can say ever again to make me feel like he loves me. That was all a grand lie.  

[LynneVicious]

Op,

You keep saying that he’s in a convenience marriage and they live as roommates. You do know that almost every OW story I’ve read, the mm say the exact same thing. And after DDay, the truth comes out. 

Matter of fact, my ex husband played the same script. When his mistress contacted me, those were his exact words lol! Well, that was news to me. Wasn’t true obviously. 

I think it would better serve you to just understand that he’s a liar. He very well could have a happy marriage with a healthy sex life with his wife. He just wants extra on the side. Like most mm. I know I know: that he’s told you different. And you believe him. But it’s doing you no favors because it’s making you believe that he really has no choice but to stay in his marriage. That he’s tied to her for financial reasons. When the truth his he more than likely just wants to stay married to her. Because her loves her. 

And if you think blocking accomplishes nothing, then you are truly delusional. He will contact you again. When he needs an ego boost or when he gets in a fight with his wife. And you will reply and will jump back on the merry go round.

Your refusal to cut the cord here is only stopping you from healing and moving forward. Because you probably think there will always be a chance there. He is not leaving his wife ever. He would keep you on the side forever if you let him. I’d hate to see you waiting for him for the next 40 years. 

[Myabee]

13 hours ago, LynneVicious said:

You have complete power to change this situation, yet still you won’t. You will have to continue to share him until his wife finds out. And then, you won’t have to share anymore because you know he’ll be staying with his wife, for whatever reasons he has. 

I guess you did not read on. I'm not playing the OW role anymore. More lies came out and I feel powerful to know the i love you was a lie. 

[LynneVicious]

Yes, I did read. But you refuse to block all means of communication so you are leaving the door open still. If you are truly moving on, which is great btw, why don’t you seal the deal and block him so he can’t suck you back in?

[Myabee]

26 minutes ago, LynneVicious said:

Yes, I did read. But you refuse to block all means of communication so you are leaving the door open still. If you are truly moving on, which is great btw, why don’t you seal the deal and block him so he can’t suck you back in?

I read a thread of a woman who did not block and had great success moving on without doing so. She came back to post here. It has to be a mental sound choice to move on. Too easy to block and unblock. 

[Starswillshine]

43 minutes ago, LynneVicious said:

Yes, I did read. But you refuse to block all means of communication so you are leaving the door open still. If you are truly moving on, which is great btw, why don’t you seal the deal and block him so he can’t suck you back in?

She doesn't block in hope that her silence will make him be brave and finally leave. If she blocks, how would she know? 

This is why it hurts OP to keep thinking he is just in a roommate marriage and that he only stays for financial reasons. She has hope that it means once day he will leave. 

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, LynneVicious said:

Op,

You keep saying that he’s in a convenience marriage and they live as roommates. You do know that almost every OW story I’ve read, the mm say the exact same thing. And after DDay, the truth comes out. 

Matter of fact, my ex husband played the same script. When his mistress contacted me, those were his exact words lol! Well, that was news to me. Wasn’t true obviously. 

I think it would better serve you to just understand that he’s a liar. He very well could have a happy marriage with a healthy sex life with his wife. He just wants extra on the side. Like most mm. I know I know: that he’s told you different. And you believe him. But it’s doing you no favors because it’s making you believe that he really has no choice but to stay in his marriage. That he’s tied to her for financial reasons. When the truth his he more than likely just wants to stay married to her. Because her loves her. 

And if you think blocking accomplishes nothing, then you are truly delusional. He will contact you again. When he needs an ego boost or when he gets in a fight with his wife. And you will reply and will jump back on the merry go round.

Your refusal to cut the cord here is only stopping you from healing and moving forward. Because you probably think there will always be a chance there. He is not leaving his wife ever. He would keep you on the side forever if you let him. I’d hate to see you waiting for him for the next 40 years. 

Roommate marriage it's pretty clear. Also she makes way more money i have confirmation of it as I looked it up. Yes he used me for sex. With the things I have spewed at him over the last 24 hours he would not dare contact me. 

[LynneVicious]

But the problem with not blocking is you will receive communication from him. Trying to move on is hard enough. doing so while still getting messages will make it harder, no?

Agree that your mental fortitude needs to be tough, but it just seems like you will make it more difficult to get over him. 

I once had a heartbreaking breakup. I forced myself to delete all mention of him from my phone and block everywhere. It was super tough to do, but after the first few weeks, that feeling in the pit of my stomach disappeared and I began healing. I did unblock once to see if he would contact me, and he did... with breadcrumbs. All it did was set me back and I had to start again. Many times they just want to see if they can still hook you in or give an ego boost  

I believe I got over it way faster with all memories of him removed. I wasn’t wondering if he’d contact me anymore because he was blocked and I was just able to move on. 

You are lucky in your situation because he lives so far away. You won’t have to see him anywhere around town or your social circle. The only door you are going to leave open is the one that will keep you stuck. 

[Myabee]

36 minutes ago, LynneVicious said:

But the problem with not blocking is you will receive communication from him. Trying to move on is hard enough. doing so while still getting messages will make it harder, no?

Agree that your mental fortitude needs to be tough, but it just seems like you will make it more difficult to get over him. 

I once had a heartbreaking breakup. I forced myself to delete all mention of him from my phone and block everywhere. It was super tough to do, but after the first few weeks, that feeling in the pit of my stomach disappeared and I began healing. I did unblock once to see if he would contact me, and he did... with breadcrumbs. All it did was set me back and I had to start again. Many times they just want to see if they can still hook you in or give an ego boost  

I believe I got over it way faster with all memories of him removed. I wasn’t wondering if he’d contact me anymore because he was blocked and I was just able to move on. 

You are lucky in your situation because he lives so far away. You won’t have to see him anywhere around town or your social circle. The only door you are going to leave open is the one that will keep you stuck. 

Thank you Lynne.

[glows]

Admittedly I've never blocked an ex during a break up. Instead it was more helpful to clarify that privacy is preferred and to go separate ways. The problem is your situation keeps repeating itself and I doubt he respects you to leave you alone. The affair holds a lot of disrespect for his wife, you and himself. He probably can't even trust himself to hold himself to anything even if he promises himself not to contact you. No self-restraint. This in itself is so unnattractive in a man or mate it would only drive someone further away if I ever once felt anything for him. Have you tried making friendships and meeting or going out to meet new people? 

Every time you feel you want to turn to someone, journal, call a real friend (someone you trust with no strings attached or romantic notions), play some music, watch a movie, engage in a hobby you like. Keep rerouting those needs to reconnect or hear from him. You may fall down again but get back up and brush yourself off. Keep turning your energy away from this. Eventually you'll be on your way.