do they actually leave?

[elaine567]

1 minute ago, Myabee said:

Financial security! That is why he stays. He does not want to start over in his career and the one he has now prob does not afford him the lifestyle he has with both incomes combined.

It is a no-brainer then...

[elaine567]

1 minute ago, Myabee said:

Well she does not like any form of sex. 

You do not actually know that, unless she told you, you only have his word for it...

[elaine567]

Just about every man in an affair is sex starved or sexless...
Pinch of salt... 

[Maylady]

7 minutes ago, Myabee said:

Well she does not like any form of sex. 

Another common excuse for their behaviour.  Like i said, it seems like textbook...shes so controlling,  she doesn't give me sex...married men seem to exaggerate their wives "flaws"

[Myabee]

16 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

It is a no-brainer then...

Yes! No brainer and that was the last straw as i called his bluff. He did not like me figuring out why he stays. It's money related. He also could get a job in my area with great pay with the education and background he has. Too lazy to do that. And I do believe him on the sex. Many men are caught up in sexless marriages it's actually a thing. 

[Myabee]

22 minutes ago, Maylady said:

Another common excuse for their behaviour.  Like i said, it seems like textbook...shes so controlling,  she doesn't give me sex...married men seem to exaggerate their wives "flaws"

All I know is he is NOT leaving and it's financial 

[elaine567]

12 minutes ago, Myabee said:

And I do believe him on the sex. Many men are caught up in sexless marriages it's actually a thing. 

Yes it is definitely a thing, but cheaters tend to try to solve marital issues by cheating, everyone else tries to find other solutions.

[Myabee]

8 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Yes it is definitely a thing, but cheaters tend to try to solve marital issues by cheating, everyone else tries to find other solutions.

I would agree. He has no interest in improving his  roomate marriage. It's safe... he has enough money and knows he has the ability with his nice guy act and charm to find toys on the side. I have been a toy. Well he can shop a new toy store, stay cheating on his wife and getting his needs meet via some other woman. I believe the I love you now was and is fake. That was a line to keep me hooked.

Edited November 10, 2021 by Myabee

[RebeccaR]

13 minutes ago, Myabee said:

I believe the I love you now was and is fake. That was a line to keep me hooked.

For sure 

[Myabee]

48 minutes ago, Myabee said:

I would agree. He has no interest in improving his  roomate marriage. It's safe... he has enough money and knows he has the ability with his nice guy act and charm to find toys on the side. I have been a toy. Well he can shop a new toy store, stay cheating on his wife and getting his needs meet via some other woman. I believe the I love you now was and is fake. That was a line to keep me hooked.

I do feel upset with myself and will for a long time,  for allowing this. When I was younger I always had good player radar and never got mixed up with one. Seems my radar must be missing an antenna. 17 months of I love you is hard to get over. I got use to it and believed it. 

Edited November 10, 2021 by Myabee

[vla1120]

On 7/8/2021 at 6:06 PM, Myabee said:

He then wanted in on FWB while he figures out how to have the hard discussions he needs to have with her. 

They don't have any kids. He's telling you he cannot imagine life without you. It seems like a no-brainer. Don't give in to the FWB request. Tell him the two of you can explore your compatibility when both of you are totally free. 

[vla1120]

15 minutes ago, Myabee said:

I do feel upset with myself and will for a long time,  for allowing this. When I was younger I always had good player radar and never got mixed up with one. Seems my radar must be missing an antenna. 17 months of I love you is hard to get over. I got use to it and believed it. 

Oh no. I'm sorry to hear that. I was hoping for a better outcome for you. I just realized I responded to a post from July. Oops. I should have kept reading.

Edited November 10, 2021 by vla1120

[Myabee]

31 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

Oh no. I'm sorry to hear that. I was hoping for a better outcome for you. I just realized I responded to a post from July. Oops. I should have kept reading.

Lol. It's ok. Just taking me longer to get over all this. Suppose it shocked my system a bit. I have good days and bad days.

[elaine567]

47 minutes ago, Myabee said:

I do feel upset with myself and will for a long time,  for allowing this. When I was younger I always had good player radar and never got mixed up with one. Seems my radar must be missing an antenna. 17 months of I love you is hard to get over. I got use to it and believed it. 

You got swayed by the fact he was a married man and  you assumed he was the strong, hard working, dependable honest type of married man who had unfortunately found himself in a bad situation with his wife.

You were not thinking of the parasitic, unreliable, dishonest type of married man who was  cheating on his wife and lying to you...
Just because a guy is married does not mean he was not a player, a chancer and a cheat in his former life.

[vla1120]

3 minutes ago, Myabee said:

Lol. It's ok. Just taking me longer to get over all this. Suppose it shocked my system a bit. I have good days and bad days.

Personally, I jumped right from my divorce into another relationship immediately. I wish I had taken time to myself. Now, I've been alone for a year and a half and have just recently been able to digest the failure of a 32-yr-marriage followed by 6 years of mayhem. Take some time to really get to know yourself and be happy with yourself just the way you are. You have the freedom to design your life on your terms, now, without any expectations from anyone else.

[Myabee]

8 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

Personally, I jumped right from my divorce into another relationship immediately. I wish I had taken time to myself. Now, I've been alone for a year and a half and have just recently been able to digest the failure of a 32-yr-marriage followed by 6 years of mayhem. Take some time to really get to know yourself and be happy with yourself just the way you are. You have the freedom to design your life on your terms, now, without any expectations from anyone else.

I could not agree with you anymore. Happy to hear you are in a good place and took that time.

[Daliah]

20 hours ago, Myabee said:

If you are thinking this means I intend to become some super human OW and flip the statistics that this MM will leave that would be wrong. I have called his bluff here. He stays because she is his financial ticket. She wears the pants and controls his life. I do not doubt he still has love for her to some degree however, based upon the things he says they are merely roomates. It was me he claims that came along and showed him so much more was missing for him with her then he ever realized. For him to be with me it means blowing up his comfy monetary life and moving 3000 miles back to the area he left 25 years ago away from family. He has family issues and it was easier for him to take the escapism route and leave. He refuses to mend fences so living anywhere near them I’m sure would make him uncomfortable. Bottom line ... I’m not worth it to him. So staying out of contact is the only way to get outta this. No future here...  

you don’t know any of the things you state about his marriage or his wife. You’re getting second hand garbage from a recycling plant. She’s his financial ticket? Because he says so or because like most you want a negative picture of this woman to build your own justification on. ‘Based on the things he says’…your own words… As for the intimacy business, you know nothing about what goes on behind their front door, all you have is the spewing of a proven liar.  Why don’t you ask her yourself? That will give you a clearer picture won’t it?

it’s not my intention to chastise you Myabee, but like so many, I’ve been there, done that. When the lies started to quickly set alarm bells off, and I REALLY spent time reflecting on my own behaviours and actions, to me it was simple (and I had feelings too), like, what the hell was I doing to a woman I didn’t even know, shagging her husband behind her back ffs! Yep, vile.. I called him out on his horse manure and watched him turn it up a notch. That told me ALL I needed to know.  I told him if he didn’t f*ck off and leave me alone, I’d tell his wife. That took the shine off right away…when he contacted me again a few days later, I sent the message to his wife, along with a SINCERE apology for being such a selfish bast*rd.

I’m so glad I did.  I live a life with integrity but I will ALWAYS be ashamed of what I did to her. She did nothing wrong, despite the horrid things he said.  You can do the same. Live a life with integrity and cut this filth out of your existence. It ISN’T hard. Feelings are.  And they change given the opportunity. 
 

 

[Myabee]

14 hours ago, elaine567 said:

You got swayed by the fact he was a married man and  you assumed he was the strong, hard working, dependable honest type of married man who had unfortunately found himself in a bad situation with his wife.

You were not thinking of the parasitic, unreliable, dishonest type of married man who was  cheating on his wife and lying to you...
Just because a guy is married does not mean he was not a player, a chancer and a cheat in his former life.

Ironically, It is MM who has claimed his first wife he was married too for 7 years back in his 20's cheated on him. Also a high school girl friend he dated for 4 years cheated on him as well. So I'm skeptical as to if that is even true. Yes I admit I believed all of those things about him. He does love his job and does it well that might be the only thing I believe to be true at this point. 

[elaine567]

3 minutes ago, Myabee said:

It is MM who has claimed his first wife he was married too for 7 years back in his 20's cheated on him. Also a high school girl friend he dated for 4 years cheated on him as well

It may be true or he may have been the one cheating hard to say.
But if true.
I used to think "oh poor guy, what  bad luck", but whilst men cheat for "extra", women tend to cheat because their primary relationship sucks and they seek connection elsewhere.
So why did his wife and his gf cheat? Why is his relationship with his current wife so bad?
Common denominator is unfortunately him.

[Myabee]

2 hours ago, Daliah said:

you don’t know any of the things you state about his marriage or his wife. You’re getting second hand garbage from a recycling plant. She’s his financial ticket? Because he says so or because like most you want a negative picture of this woman to build your own justification on. ‘Based on the things he says’…your own words… As for the intimacy business, you know nothing about what goes on behind their front door, all you have is the spewing of a proven liar.  Why don’t you ask her yourself? That will give you a clearer picture won’t it?

it’s not my intention to chastise you Myabee, but like so many, I’ve been there, done that. When the lies started to quickly set alarm bells off, and I REALLY spent time reflecting on my own behaviours and actions, to me it was simple (and I had feelings too), like, what the hell was I doing to a woman I didn’t even know, shagging her husband behind her back ffs! Yep, vile.. I called him out on his horse manure and watched him turn it up a notch. That told me ALL I needed to know.  I told him if he didn’t f*ck off and leave me alone, I’d tell his wife. That took the shine off right away…when he contacted me again a few days later, I sent the message to his wife, along with a SINCERE apology for being such a selfish bast*rd.

I’m so glad I did.  I live a life with integrity but I will ALWAYS be ashamed of what I did to her. She did nothing wrong, despite the horrid things he said.  You can do the same. Live a life with integrity and cut this filth out of your existence. It ISN’T hard. Feelings are.  And they change given the opportunity. 
 

 

It's not that I lack integrity here I don't believe anyway..What I did do was place trust in many things he has said from the start. I do agree however that you are spot on as to most likely being feed a bunch of garbage from a dump.  I did post on here about a thought to inform the wife. My intentions were mocked and questioned so I backed away from that thought process figuring he would hang himself one day when she finds out. Can you tell me a little more about what happened when you did inform the wife? 

[Myabee]

1 minute ago, elaine567 said:

It may be true or he may have been the one cheating hard to say.
But if true.
I used to think "oh poor guy, what  bad luck", but whilst men cheat for "extra", women tend to cheat because their primary relationship sucks and they seek connection elsewhere.
So why did his wife and his gf cheat? Why is his relationship with his current wife so bad?
Common denominator is unfortunately him.

Yes agree on the might be true might not be true. I have concluded on my own that the common denominator probably is him. Wished I had asked more about that.    

[stillafool]

On 11/10/2021 at 12:39 PM, Myabee said:

All I know is he is NOT leaving and it's financial 

See you really don't know this at all.  Have you seen their bank statements, wills, or talked to their attorney or financial manager?  I think it's easier on your ego to think it's a financial reason he doesn't leave rather than the truth he doesn't want to.   You are so caught up in his words "ILY" which is another MM trick they use on OW.  It's just words that mean absolutely nothing without actions to back them up.   I swear your story reads like a cheating MM's script it's so typical and you've lapped it up like a puppy.  If any of this is true, he has no kids and like you said can get a well paying job near you, coupled with your salary; he doesn't need his wife's money.  If he really did love you he'd jump at the chance to be with you but he hasn't and won't.  He's where he wants to be with her.  He just wishes he could have more of her, especially sex.  I say tell his wife what you've been up to with her husband and then find out the truth for yourself because what you're saying doesn't make sense.  Who knows?  If you tell her about the affair she may hand him over gladly to you. 

[czanclus]

13 minutes ago, stillafool said:

See you really don't know this at all.  Have you seen their bank statements, wills, or talked to their attorney or financial manager?  I think it's easier on your ego to think it's a financial reason he doesn't leave rather than the truth he doesn't want to.   You are so caught up in his words "ILY" which is another MM trick they use on OW.  It's just words that mean absolutely nothing without actions to back them up.   I swear your story reads like a cheating MM's script it's so typical and you've lapped it up like a puppy.  If any of this is true, he has no kids and like you said can get a well paying job near you, coupled with your salary; he doesn't need his wife's money.  If he really did love you he'd jump at the chance to be with you but he hasn't and won't.  He's where he wants to be with her.  He just wishes he could have more of her, especially sex.  I say tell his wife what you've been up to with her husband and then find out the truth for yourself because what you're saying doesn't make sense.  Who knows?  If you tell her about the affair she may hand him over gladly to you. 

I'm not the OP, but hmm, how is this easy on the ego? An educated man with a solid career behind him who doesn't find it worthwhile to look for a little better paying job in a location closer to the woman he 'loves', but would rather stay with what he has for the higher material comforts it provides? And doesn't "he doesn't want to" beg the question of "why?" anyway? And then, maybe, the truth can be better placed. Maybe. But a man who cheats on his wife cannot possibly respect her enough for her to be considered special. She is his financial ticket, and it makes more sense than any other 'love' we may hypothesize he could have for her. If he really loved his wife, he would let her go to find happiness she deserves.

[Myabee]

36 minutes ago, S2B said:

It doesn’t even matter why at this point…he is exactly where he chooses to be.

that tells you everything! 
you should NEVER need to beg any guy to be with you. When they want to - they will move mountains to make it work out. 

 Exactly... Exactly!! I have been telling him this all along. I had a horrendous day of exchange with him my own stupidity. 

He says this: MM script? 

 

Of course you messed with the status quo. I wasn’t looking for anything to change. I don’t blame you for that though. But the status quo doesn’t exist anymore because now you’re here. And we have a deep connection. And I don’t know what to do about that.  

[Myabee]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

See you really don't know this at all.  Have you seen their bank statements, wills, or talked to their attorney or financial manager?  I think it's easier on your ego to think it's a financial reason he doesn't leave rather than the truth he doesn't want to.   You are so caught up in his words "ILY" which is another MM trick they use on OW.  It's just words that mean absolutely nothing without actions to back them up.   I swear your story reads like a cheating MM's script it's so typical and you've lapped it up like a puppy.  If any of this is true, he has no kids and like you said can get a well paying job near you, coupled with your salary; he doesn't need his wife's money.  If he really did love you he'd jump at the chance to be with you but he hasn't and won't.  He's where he wants to be with her.  He just wishes he could have more of her, especially sex.  I say tell his wife what you've been up to with her husband and then find out the truth for yourself because what you're saying doesn't make sense.  Who knows?  If you tell her about the affair she may hand him over gladly to you. 

Should I just tell her really? Part of me believes what he says. But not all of it???