do they actually leave?

[Myabee]

So I asked this. I figured this would help big time. I asked what is the probability of you leaving as of today percentage wise?  Response, actually pretty low. My reply... full stop as of today. I wil no longer put up with this bs. Zero reply and why? Because he knows it's BS. 

[basil67]

Good for you Myabee.   Have you backed it up by blocking him on all platforms?

[Myabee]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

Good for you Myabee.   Have you backed it up by blocking him on all platforms?

Very close as  that has to happen and stay that way. My weakness! 

[basil67]

You've got to truly be done in order to walk away.  It's 100% on you now.

[RebeccaR]

4 minutes ago, Myabee said:

Very close as  that has to happen and stay that way. My weakness! 

I am not sure what you get out of not blocking. The satisfaction of ignoring him when you know he’s reaching out?

[RebeccaR]

Just now, RebeccaR said:

I am not sure what you get out of not blocking. The satisfaction of ignoring him when you know he’s reaching out?

I mean, the satisfaction of “pretending” to ignore him?

[Myabee]

21 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You've got to truly be done in order to walk away.  It's 100% on you now.

I know. The hard part is how to stay done? I have never been in a situation like this before. However, I will clearly remain the OW in this  scenario. One can block away then unblock? Do you know what I mean? 

Edited September 27, 2021 by Myabee

[basil67]

It's really like any other breakup.  When you're truly done, then you end it and walk away knowing without a doubt that it's over. And you have no desire to contact them.   But if you're on again and off again, then you're not truly done.  

[RebeccaR]

4 minutes ago, Myabee said:

One can block away then unblock? Do you know what I mean? 

This is true. True NC is not easy. The urge to reach out is strong. But give it a few weeks - and even if you miss him, I bet you won’t miss the anxiety of waiting for his next message and the frustration of dealing with him waffling. It might actually feel good.

[Myabee]

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

It's really like any other breakup.  When you're truly done, then you end it and walk away knowing without a doubt that it's over. And you have no desire to contact them.   But if you're on again and off again, then you're not truly done.  

I feel like without a doubt that it's over because   it's plain as day he is not leaving. I don't want to be the OW anymore. However, My feelings are still intense and I need to figure out a way to not let them over shadow the real truth here of him never leaving. He is so conflict avoidant and that most likely would not be  a healthy trait in any partner.    

[basil67]

If your feelings are intense, start to hash through them.  Ask yourself why you'd have feelings for someone who will string you along forever

[Myabee]

5 minutes ago, basil67 said:

If your feelings are intense, start to hash through them.  Ask yourself why you'd have feelings for someone who will string you along forever

I was just thinking exactly that

.I have to know my worth which I do but then again do I if I allowed this? I actually said in that full stop message you need to find another affair partner I'm not your girl for that of course he replied I won't be doing that. Words though... just words. 

[glows]

47 minutes ago, Myabee said:

I was just thinking exactly that

.I have to know my worth which I do but then again do I if I allowed this? I actually said in that full stop message you need to find another affair partner I'm not your girl for that of course he replied I won't be doing that. Words though... just words. 

But you wouldn't be entertaining this if you were truly available (ie. completely divorced, also mentally/emotionally divorced from any ideas of reconciliation with your spouse). I think you do have a lot of self-worth however pursuing this person whom you've been friends or whom you've both regarded each other as "friends" is much easier than facing reality. He has a temporary escape from the doldrums of his marriage and you have a chance to feel wanted or feel affection from someone else other than your spouse even if it's not an actual relationship.

You know you don't want to be the "OW" so what are the other options? Girlfriend, partner or eventually remarry or be a wife to someone else? Enjoy singledom? Has that ever been an option? What are the alternatives to OW? It may help jumpstart a new train of thought, spark or interest you in taking a turn and a change of heart.

[elaine567]

8 hours ago, Myabee said:

I asked what is the probability of you leaving as of today percentage wise?  Response, actually pretty low

For a supposedly conflict avoidant guy that is not a conflict avoidant answer.
He is in effect asking the OP to be his OW  as he won't be leaving.
He could have said "pretty high" and strung her along further so at least she now knows where his head is at.
Trouble is we often refuse to believe things we don't really want to hear, so will the OP stick to the script and end it as she doesn't want to be an OW, or will hope and ego kick in?
"He said "pretty low" but I know, he didn't really mean it, he can't possibly mean it... can he? "

Edited September 27, 2021 by elaine567

[Starswillshine]

3 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

For a supposedly conflict avoidant guy that is not a conflict avoidant answer.
He is in effect asking the OP to be his OW  as he won't be leaving.
He could have said "pretty high" and strung her along further so at least she now knows where his head is at.
Trouble is we often refuse to believe things we don't really want to hear, so will the OP stick to the script and end it as she doesn't want to be an OW, or will hope and ego kick in?
He said "pretty low" but I know, he didn't really mean it, he can't possibly mean it... can he? 

He has told her this before. He told her he wasn't unhappy enough to leave and he didn't think that would change anytime soon. OP called him a liar and weak then.... and refused to believe it. She broke it off... and within a week, she was back in contact. He gave her all the typical, I can't live without you... so she believed that instead.

OP, this is not good for you. This back and forth. The ups and downs. The anxiety involved in this. It will hurt, and for awhile, you will want to get a fix to help that pain. Get yourself busy.... something at night especially. Find things to occupy yourself with. Go out with friends. Or have friends come over. Lean into these forums. Anything to keep you from reaching out. 

I remember how freeing it was to be able to tell myself that it was no longer my problem to worry about him. It sounds silly, and it didn't take the pain away from the whole thing, but it did stop the anxiety. 

[Myabee]

7 hours ago, glows said:

But you wouldn't be entertaining this if you were truly available (ie. completely divorced, also mentally/emotionally divorced from any ideas of reconciliation with your spouse). I think you do have a lot of self-worth however pursuing this person whom you've been friends or whom you've both regarded each other as "friends" is much easier than facing reality. He has a temporary escape from the doldrums of his marriage and you have a chance to feel wanted or feel affection from someone else other than your spouse even if it's not an actual relationship.

You know you don't want to be the "OW" so what are the other options? Girlfriend, partner or eventually remarry or be a wife to someone else? Enjoy singledom? Has that ever been an option? What are the alternatives to OW? It may help jumpstart a new train of thought, spark or interest you in taking a turn and a change of heart.

Yes! I do see this as him having a temporary escape from the doldrums of life and a bit of that exists in me too. I have thought long and hard about the alternatives to being the OW and the only thing i came up with is establishing a firm boundary of placing him where he had been for years. A HS guy I thought was cool, an old friend. Take away the ego feed of how great he is the " I love you stuff" and see where that leaves this? My feeling on that is is won't really work because that's still sending a message that I find him important. If only I could make it one full week of no phone calls and texting I have a feeling that could help tremendously with the clarity I need in that wow... I don't really miss him as much as I thought and I can get past this I have restricted him on my FB he can no longer see anything I post unless its public and I don't  post public. I also have kept him blocked from messanger from the last time... this is a good start.  This past weekend We had a long talk. I was brazen about forcing the topic of what does a future look like for us? He asked me what it look like to me? So I started. I told him in all on honesty a future with in my book would be him relocating to my area since I do not plan to leave since my family is all here and I love where I live. Us in my new constuction mountain top since I have some land. Two best friends who share many of the same interests enjoy each-others ideas and thoughts, Have much passion and could most likely work through most all challenges in a civil way. I was even more brazen in saying This is not like picking a place to have dinner this is a big decision. He seemed to like all of this and would be on board however when it was his turn he said so you get to stay in the same area, keep the same job? Meanwhile I get to blow up the last 18 years of my life? Ok now that was very telling because that said to me right there I was NOT worth it. I do believe him that he is in a sexless marriage as I truly know many men that are its relatively common. On the flip side, I don't believe him that he is just her errand guy as something is and will keep him there for good. I then said what would be your trigger point for leaving? His reply? I don't know! Again very telling. This MM is not leaving and has zero plans too do so ever. I'm a toy that's about it. I hope that all made sense? 

[Myabee]

55 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

For a supposedly conflict avoidant guy that is not a conflict avoidant answer.
He is in effect asking the OP to be his OW  as he won't be leaving.
He could have said "pretty high" and strung her along further so at least she now knows where his head is at.
Trouble is we often refuse to believe things we don't really want to hear, so will the OP stick to the script and end it as she doesn't want to be an OW, or will hope and ego kick in?
"He said "pretty low" but I know, he didn't really mean it, he can't possibly mean it... can he? "

Oh he can mean it and he does. This man fears change and is very selfish. Another thing i forgot to say in the long winded reply I just posted to glows... was that Going back to what's your trigger point going to be? He did mention I don't know but I can't hurt my wife. Umm wait hurt your wife? You are cheating on your wife behind her back yet you can't hurt your wife? Now come on enough BS.  

[elaine567]

We have had a few men in sexless marriages posting here and whilst the advice is to get an OW or pay an escort, they say they don't really want that, it is not just about the sex, they want their wife to have sex with, they want her affection and attention back.
They live in hope, she will one day show him she loves him and  resume the sex.
Their loyalty always remains with their wife. your guy may be the same. 
He is happy getting attention from you, but you don't trump his wife and his life with her, hence why he won't leave.  

[Myabee]

10 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

We have had a few men in sexless marriages posting here and whilst the advice is to get an OW or pay an escort, they say they don't really want that, it is not just about the sex, they want their wife to have sex with, they want her affection and attention back.
They live in hope, she will one day show him she loves him and  resume the sex.
Their loyalty always remains with their wife. your guy may be the same. 
He is happy getting attention from you, but you don't trump his wife and his life with her, hence why he won't leave.  

Yes! He recently spoke of zero hope of sex returning I apparently opened his eyes more to this. Sex is more of a priority to him then he once thought. Well that is something he will have to deal with. If that's the trigger point for leaving one day to find a woman who meets those needs so be it. That woman is not me. No longer. I smell so my bs. 

[Myabee]

41 minutes ago, Myabee said:

Yes! He recently spoke of zero hope of sex returning I apparently opened his eyes more to this. Sex is more of a priority to him then he once thought. Well that is something he will have to deal with. If that's the trigger point for leaving one day to find a woman who meets those needs so be it. That woman is not me. No longer. I smell so my bs. 

Now I DID it! Blocked everywhere! Sent a do not and I repeat do not ever contact me again. You have zero character and integrity and are a conflict avoidant selfish BLANK! I suppose that was pretty much to the point?  And for the first time, I have no regrets in doing that!!!!!! 

Edited September 27, 2021 by Myabee

[Daisydooks]

19 hours ago, Daisydooks said:

This is what we have been trying to tell you. In my relationship, I felt things were overall good, we were together 12 years, trying to have our first child with the help of fertility meds (like this was a VERY planned child) so it boggled my mind when I found out some of the things he said about me (like we didnt have sex...) It hurt. It stung. I was confused and it absolutely shattered me. I didn't leave him because I didnt love him. I loved him far more than he ever loved me. I left because I couldnt forgive him. I still dont. 

I also want to add (given the topic of your thread) that even when I found out and ended things with him, he had the green light, in full, to pursue his OW. He still chose me and begged for my forgiveness.  He dropped her like garbage to save us.  He would still come home if I allowed it, nearly a decade later and to my knowledge he and the OW ended right then and there too  

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, Daisydooks said:

he and the OW ended right then and there too  

Yes this is typical of MM when they are forced to divorce.  They leave the OW for someone new because she represents a painful period in their life.  Also if he has children they are far more accepting of a new woman than the one cheating with their Dad who hurt their Mom.

[Starswillshine]

10 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Yes this is typical of MM when they are forced to divorce.  They leave the OW for someone new because she represents a painful period in their life.  Also if he has children they are far more accepting of a new woman than the one cheating with their Dad who hurt their Mom.

Yes, it is the same with my ex husband and his OW. They were never together after our divorce. She blames me. He says he could not put me and the kid through having to deal with her. It's all silly, of course, but that is their rationale often times. But also he claims he hates her... but there is a lot of back story that is not like OP here. The OW went crazy so she is to blame for some of it. And also, as my Ex claims, she was never relationship material. Just fun material. 

[glows]

6 hours ago, Myabee said:

Yes! I do see this as him having a temporary escape from the doldrums of life and a bit of that exists in me too. I have thought long and hard about the alternatives to being the OW and the only thing i came up with is establishing a firm boundary of placing him where he had been for years. A HS guy I thought was cool, an old friend. Take away the ego feed of how great he is the " I love you stuff" and see where that leaves this? My feeling on that is is won't really work because that's still sending a message that I find him important. If only I could make it one full week of no phone calls and texting I have a feeling that could help tremendously with the clarity I need in that wow... I don't really miss him as much as I thought and I can get past this I have restricted him on my FB he can no longer see anything I post unless its public and I don't  post public. I also have kept him blocked from messanger from the last time... this is a good start.  This past weekend We had a long talk. I was brazen about forcing the topic of what does a future look like for us? He asked me what it look like to me? So I started. I told him in all on honesty a future with in my book would be him relocating to my area since I do not plan to leave since my family is all here and I love where I live. Us in my new constuction mountain top since I have some land. Two best friends who share many of the same interests enjoy each-others ideas and thoughts, Have much passion and could most likely work through most all challenges in a civil way. I was even more brazen in saying This is not like picking a place to have dinner this is a big decision. He seemed to like all of this and would be on board however when it was his turn he said so you get to stay in the same area, keep the same job? Meanwhile I get to blow up the last 18 years of my life? Ok now that was very telling because that said to me right there I was NOT worth it. I do believe him that he is in a sexless marriage as I truly know many men that are its relatively common. On the flip side, I don't believe him that he is just her errand guy as something is and will keep him there for good. I then said what would be your trigger point for leaving? His reply? I don't know! Again very telling. This MM is not leaving and has zero plans too do so ever. I'm a toy that's about it. I hope that all made sense? 

This should show you what type of man he is very clearly even if you were forgetting for a time or confused. He has no intention of starting a life with you and is a man of ease and convenience. In the past pages you also had some sense that you weren't the first OW he's had or partner he's been with, flirted or had an emotional or physical affair with. This cycle won't end until you look past the "friendship" and end all contact. All the while, keep in mind that he's not chatting with you because he's a friend to you or because he intends to treat you anything other than an OW. If you moved to be with him he still stays in contact with all his friends, other affair partners (you don't know if he has relationships with other women besides you). At the moment you're focused on his wife who is his only known partner. 

You have so much going for you with this end of your marriage and with your son and a new life to start. Why start it with someone like this or share your life with someone who is entangled and has other commitments and priorities greater than you?

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, glows said:

This should show you what type of man he is very clearly even if you were forgetting for a time or confused. He has no intention of starting a life with you and is a man of ease and convenience. In the past pages you also had some sense that you weren't the first OW he's had or partner he's been with, flirted or had an emotional or physical affair with. This cycle won't end until you look past the "friendship" and end all contact. All the while, keep in mind that he's not chatting with you because he's a friend to you or because he intends to treat you anything other than an OW. If you moved to be with him he still stays in contact with all his friends, other affair partners (you don't know if he has relationships with other women besides you). At the moment you're focused on his wife who is his only known partner. 

You have so much going for you with this end of your marriage and with your son and a new life to start. Why start it with someone like this or share your life with someone who is entangled and has other commitments and priorities greater than you?

Yes and it showed me the type of man he is by not even texting back to that final message as I left ample time for a response before i blocked him on text. And this was a man who claimed I was his best friend and he loved me? Oh geeze get outta town. Pretty sure I had some serious denial going on. Pretty sure he thinks I will cave unblock and be in touch. What he does not know is I am DONE. Yes I am having a spat of anger which will pass.