do they actually leave?

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, Prudence V said:

During the A, I was not jealous of the BW. I may have been thousands of miles away, while she lived under the same roof as him, but there was absolutely nothing about her, or their R, that I would have wanted for myself. Of course, when I mentioned her on these boards I was also accused of jealousy, I was also told that I was being fed a line on her and that I couldn’t possibly know anything about their R. This despite him not being the source of my info; despite everything I was told from several sources all triangulating; despite everything I was told at the time being perfectly consistent with what I observed for myself subsequently. Because, there is a line, which is that the OW must be jealous, the BW must be a saint, and the MM can never be honest - with anyone, ever. 
 

I’m not saying that’s never the case. I’m not saying that every OW is told the truth, that every BW is toxic or that every A is going to work out for the OW… obviously not. But equally, not every stereotype always applies 100% in all cases, and sometimes some gets upset at someone repeating cookie-cutter advice at them not because it’s secretly true and they’re in denial, but precisely because it doesn’t fit. Telling someone “pay attention because it’s actually true” when they’re adamant that it’s not, may help the odd person here or there but for most of us, it’s just a turn-off. 

 

Thank you for this post.

[Myabee]

20 hours ago, Daisydooks said:

But you dont though.  You fully believe that he has done a 180 because he said words to you about leaving. You came here yesterday (I believe) to tell us he has tossed more fancy words at you about a future with you and leaving his wife.  It didn't sound as though you felt he was lying or that he was just talk. It felt like you truly believe there is a future here. I am happy to see you say talk is talk. When you're here, you get it and thats fantastic. Then you muddy your head up everytime you speak to him again and hang on words he says (talk.) Stop doing that. Watch what he does. If he wanted to leave his wife, he would have one honest conversation in all of this and tell her he is leaving. Right now, hes still done nothing but leave you hanging onto nonsense and words.

I think the fact that by him saying he loves me so loudly... now speaking of a future is a 180... however, I do agree that his actions are what matter the most. 

[Daisydooks]

7 hours ago, Myabee said:

I think the fact that by him saying he loves me so loudly... now speaking of a future is a 180... however, I do agree that his actions are what matter the most. 

Just wait. Tell him to turn words into actions and THEN contact you. Talk is SUPER cheap. Especially from a cheating liar

[Myabee]

3 hours ago, Daisydooks said:

Just wait. Tell him to turn words into actions and THEN contact you. Talk is SUPER cheap. Especially from a cheating liar

I guess that's the only way. 

[basil67]

@Myabee has he actually discussed the logistics of being with you?  Is he planning to leave where he lives....or does he expect you to move away from your child/separate your child from his father?   Because unless he makes actual plans regarding the distance, it's all just fantasy on his part.

[Myabee]

8 hours ago, basil67 said:

@Myabee has he actually discussed the logistics of being with you?  Is he planning to leave where he lives....or does he expect you to move away from your child/separate your child from his father?   Because unless he makes actual plans regarding the distance, it's all just fantasy on his part.

We had a talk about that yesterday and a long one. I said to him since this is such a complicated situation especially do to the distance that i wanted know what he feels a future looks like with me? That's when I heard in his voice that he sounded like he did not have to make that decision now. I then said if you can't start having a vision and hard talk then you will never leave. I also pulled from some good info given to me here. Like the fact that he has stayed in a sexless marriage for 10 plus years what would make him have the courage to stand up and leave? What would be that trigger point? I got nothing more then I just don't know??? I also said well this is not a simple decision as to what resturaunt we pick to dine at! This is a major life change and if he can't come up with a plan then I see this going no where. He then said it sounds like I'm getting dumped? My reply .. Dumped? How can this be dumped when a real relationship never existed? 

[Myabee]

9 hours ago, S2B said:

Oh geez, you know you can’t believe a thing he says.

on that note just don’t communicate with him for a week or two. Maybe he will get the idea he needs to DO things to prove he’s gonna be single soon.

or then again - he may just find another OW to believe his lies and feed his ego.

either way you’ll find out if he actually starts doing action to become divorced.

Yes! Action! This is about action I truly agree. 

[Wiseman2]

On 7/8/2021 at 6:00 PM, Myabee said:

. He is 3,000 miles away and in a very unhappy married and I am separated with divorce on the horizon. 

Unfortunately a lot of your talks seem like escapism.

It's the typical "we'll leave our horrible spouses and ride off into the sunset together happily ever after"

Of course at some level you know that. You're in the throes of divorce and he's giving you the typical "my wife doesn't understand me, we're like roommates, etc." lines.

For now these fantasy plans provide a distraction from a painful divorce. However when you are through all that, you'll feel better and let go of this clearly impossible situation.

In fact, that's the appeal. It's "safe" because it's impossible to actually materialize and therefore it's more like a romance novel to serve as a salve for the pain of divorce.

Right now it may seem as if you're lining up some new life with someone, but deep down you know this is a go-nowhere situation.

When you are ready to open your heart again, you'll start dating local decent single men and find happiness after divorce.

[Myabee]

26 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately a lot of your talks seem like escapism.

It's the typical "we'll leave our horrible spouses and ride off into the sunset together happily ever after"

Of course at some level you know that. You're in the throes of divorce and he's giving you the typical "my wife doesn't understand me, we're like roommates, etc." lines.

For now these fantasy plans provide a distraction from a painful divorce. However when you are through all that, you'll feel better and let go of this clearly impossible situation.

In fact, that's the appeal. It's "safe" because it's impossible to actually materialize and therefore it's more like a romance novel to serve as a salve for the pain of divorce.

Right now it may seem as if you're lining up some new life with someone, but deep down you know this is a go-nowhere situation.

When you are ready to open your heart again, you'll start dating local decent single men and find happiness after divorce.

Well I don't really feel as if this is some novel romance thing. I feel like it began innocently enough but then took a sharp turn into deeper feelings which those feelings could  be very  real, however without action they amount to nothing. There could be some form of escapism taking place of both ends here. I'm not even 100% sure I'm ending my marriage yet.  The separation time away has given me time to reflect on many things without MM on my mind. I guess we shall see. 

Edited September 26, 2021 by Myabee

[BaileyB]

44 minutes ago, Myabee said:

That's when I heard in his voice that he sounded like he did not have to make that decision now. he has stayed in a sexless marriage for 10 plus years what would make him have the courage to stand up and leave? I got nothing more then I just don't know???

Words are easy, as you just learned. It’s easy to say “I love you” and “I want to be with you” but when pressed to back it up with actions - he has nothing. 

This affair is all about escapism for both of you. It’s also very typical in that you are willing to leave your marriage to be with him - while he, evidently, is not.

[Myabee]

32 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Words are easy, as you just learned. It’s easy to say “I love you” and “I want to be with you” but when pressed to back it up with actions - he has nothing. 

This affair is all about escapism for both of you. It’s also very typical in that you are willing to leave your marriage to be with him - while he, evidently, is not.

He has nothing in the department of actions and I believe just thinks I will always be there. Guess what not the case. Going to make a stellar effort to back away. I know many feel block, delete is the only way, for me personally that has not worked well. I'm thinking by backing away slowly in the emotional department will send a message that is ok well since you have no plan to ACT.. then I have no plan fo play your GAME. Seems practical enough in my mind. 

[Myabee]

Another thing I would be clueless on is how he really treats his wife? He could very well paint a picture that she's the issue when in fact he could treat her terribly and paint himself as the martyr here. My senses are becoming more clear. Also if he can cheat on her this shows zero integrity. 

Edited September 26, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[BaileyB]

9 minutes ago, Myabee said:

I'm thinking by backing away slowly in the emotional department will send a message

It will send him the message that you are still interested and waiting to see if he will make a decision. That’s the only reason for not blocking and ending contact with someone - when someone decides to slowly withdraw it is usually with the hope of prompting a response. 

[Myabee]

11 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

It will send him the message that you are still interested and waiting to see if he will make a decision. That’s the only reason for not blocking and ending contact with someone - when someone decides to slowly withdraw it is usually with the hope of prompting a response. 

Part of me is still interested that's the truth. I realize I'm all over the map. Never ever have been in this position before.

Edited September 26, 2021 by Myabee

[BaileyB]

2 minutes ago, Myabee said:

I realize I'm all over the map.

Yes, you are. In one post, you wonder - should I get back with my husband. In the next post, you tell us that this MM has professed his love in a way that makes you believe there is a future there. In the next post, you say you ask about his plan and he has none - so you are done. In the next post, you rattle on about his wife and her failure to provide the affections that she should offer a husband. In the next post, you wonder if maybe he is the problem in the marriage. In the next post, you are going to slowly withdraw your attention/affection (ie. wait to see if he will respond by developing a plan)…

it’s time to take a big step back Maya. It’s time to be single for a while and let both of these relationships go. Neither is meeting your needs, they seems to be causing you a lot of indecision, stress, and grief. Healthy relationships are not like this - 

[Myabee]

31 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Yes, you are. In one post, you wonder - should I get back with my husband. In the next post, you tell us that this MM has professed his love in a way that makes you believe there is a future there. In the next post, you say you ask about his plan and he has none - so you are done. In the next post, you rattle on about his wife and her failure to provide the affections that she should offer a husband. In the next post, you wonder if maybe he is the problem in the marriage. In the next post, you are going to slowly withdraw your attention/affection (ie. wait to see if he will respond by developing a plan)…

it’s time to take a big step back Maya. It’s time to be single for a while and let both of these relationships go. Neither is meeting your needs, they seems to be causing you a lot of indecision, stress, and grief. Healthy relationships are not like this - 

I think it's very normal to be all over the place given the craziness of it all. Step back Yes Bailey I agree.  

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Myabee said:

 I'm not even 100% sure I'm ending my marriage yet.

Ok. Focus on what you want in your marriage and if you wish to reconcile. Of course talking to this cheating, lying putz is not helping you in any capacity.

In fact listening to his lies about his wife is simply  bringing you down. Unless he's paying you $250/hr., to listen, let him get a therapist or attorney. Why waste your time on lies?

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, Myabee said:

Also if he can cheat on her this shows zero integrity. 

But what does that also say about you and what you're doing to your husband?  You seem to be shaming MM for the same thing you (MW) is doing to your husband.

[Myabee]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

But what does that also say about you and what you're doing to your husband?  You seem to be shaming MM for the same thing you (MW) is doing to your husband.

I hear that.Legally seperated from husband but I guess it still does not make this right

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok. Focus on what you want in your marriage and if you wish to reconcile. Of course talking to this cheating, lying putz is not helping you in any capacity.

In fact listening to his lies about his wife is simply  bringing you down. Unless he's paying you $250/hr., to listen, let him get a therapist or attorney. Why waste your time on lies?

I have felt like a therapist... and by golly I should not be that. 

[elaine567]

5 hours ago, Myabee said:

We had a talk about that yesterday and a long one. I said to him since this is such a complicated situation especially do to the distance that i wanted know what he feels a future looks like with me? That's when I heard in his voice that he sounded like he did not have to make that decision now. I then said if you can't start having a vision and hard talk then you will never leave. I also pulled from some good info given to me here. Like the fact that he has stayed in a sexless marriage for 10 plus years what would make him have the courage to stand up and leave? What would be that trigger point? I got nothing more then I just don't know??? I also said well this is not a simple decision as to what resturaunt we pick to dine at! This is a major life change and if he can't come up with a plan then I see this going no where. He then said it sounds like I'm getting dumped? My reply .. Dumped? How can this be dumped when a real relationship never existed? 

He has just clearly intimated that "a future" with you and "a plan" to leave his marriage are not on his radar.
He also shifted the focus onto you "dumping" him to swerve any more hard questions.
He in effect shut you down. He played the victim to get you to shut up.
He, like so many MM has no intention of leaving, of his own accord anyway.
You are obviously just wasting your time with this guy.

Attempting to monkey branch onto a MM is a exercise in futility and can never be recommended.
What usually happens, the woman gets attached, believes it is true  love, and make plans to leave her husband, some actually leave and get a divorce as they are so sure the MM will follow.
He stalls and hems and haws and brings up every plausible/possible excuse after excuse and still doesn't actually leave...
Also
Try not to get into any attempts to emotionally blackmail him, they don't tend to work as you care more than he does, he will call your bluff and you will cave and end up in an even weaker position...

[Myabee]

38 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

He has just clearly intimated that "a future" with you and "a plan" to leave his marriage are not on his radar.
He also shifted the focus onto you "dumping" him to swerve any more hard questions.
He in effect shut you down. He played the victim to get you to shut up.
He, like so many MM has no intention of leaving, of his own accord anyway.
You are obviously just wasting your time with this guy.

Attempting to monkey branch onto a MM is a exercise in futility and can never be recommended.
What usually happens, the woman gets attached, believes it is true  love, and make plans to leave her husband, some actually leave and get a divorce as they are so sure the MM will follow.
He stalls and hems and haws and brings up every plausible/possible excuse after excuse and still doesn't actually leave...
Also
Try not to get into any attempts to emotionally blackmail him, they don't tend to work as you care more than he does, he will call your bluff and you will cave and end up in an even weaker position...

This....Yes

He has just clearly intimated that "a future" with you and "a plan" to leave his marriage are not on his radar.
He also shifted the focus onto you "dumping" him to swerve any more hard questions.
He in effect shut you down. He played the victim to get you to shut up.
He, like so many MM has no intention of leaving, of his own accord anyway.
You are obviously just wasting your time with this guy.

 

[Daisydooks]

11 hours ago, Myabee said:

Another thing I would be clueless on is how he really treats his wife? He could very well paint a picture that she's the issue when in fact he could treat her terribly and paint himself as the martyr here. My senses are becoming more clear. Also if he can cheat on her this shows zero integrity. 

This is what we have been trying to tell you. In my relationship, I felt things were overall good, we were together 12 years, trying to have our first child with the help of fertility meds (like this was a VERY planned child) so it boggled my mind when I found out some of the things he said about me (like we didnt have sex...) It hurt. It stung. I was confused and it absolutely shattered me. I didn't leave him because I didnt love him. I loved him far more than he ever loved me. I left because I couldnt forgive him. I still dont. 

Edited September 26, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language in quote

[basil67]

8 hours ago, Myabee said:

I hear that.Legally seperated from husband but I guess it still does not make this right

I disagree.  If you're legally separated from your husband, you owe him nothing.   Of course, this doesn't mean that this MM is doing the right thing by stringing you along.

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

I disagree.  If you're legally separated from your husband, you owe him nothing.   Of course, this doesn't mean that this MM is doing the right thing by stringing you along.

The stringing along part by MM I had refused to see. I can understand the distance and up rooting to find a job on the other side of the U.S.  However, technically he could leave now if he wanted even just move out to an apartment in his area, However that's not the case.He is willing to stay in  what he proclaims as a sexless marriage with a spouse who he proclaims he is just a mere errand guy for. Again,  that is what he say's . Absolutely zero way I would know if any of that was true or not true. 

Edited September 27, 2021 by Myabee