do they actually leave?

[Myabee]

4 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

No where did I say anything like that. I said people post their views and their opinions. 

You are becoming more and more emotional here. Step back and breathe. 

Leaving. Can't find ignore and tired of this. 

[RebeccaR]

4 minutes ago, Myabee said:

How would I know anything about her? I don't know her.

Exactly. That’s what we’ve been saying. Anything you know about her, you have heard via him. And he has several reasons not to tell you the truth, to control the narrative and feed you what you want to hear. Sure, you can find out basic facts about her independently (her age, her horses, who her family is) but you have no access to the truth about their private life, their sex life. He is a deliberately unreliable source of that information.

[elaine567]

I think being jealous of his wife would be a perfectly natural response because after all she has unlimited access to the man you want and love. She married him, she lives with him. She gets to see him, and interact with him every day.
Who wouldn't be jealous of that?
I certainly would be.

[Myabee]

1 minute ago, elaine567 said:

I think being jealous of his wife would be a perfectly natural response because after all she has unlimited access to the man you want and love. She married him, she lives with him. She gets to see him, and interact with him every day.
Who wouldn't be jealous of that?
I certainly would be.

I'm not jealous of her. Jealous people don't love who they are. I happen to love who I am. 

[elaine567]

1 minute ago, Myabee said:

I'm not jealous of her. Jealous people don't love who they are. I happen to love who I am. 

OK but does it not peeve you even slightly that she is where she is and you are where you are in the scheme of things.

[RebeccaR]

5 minutes ago, Myabee said:

I'm not jealous of her. Jealous people don't love who they are. I happen to love who I am. 

Then you can really spend some quality time with hobbies and activities you love without a man until you sort out your marriage and future without your husband. Then you can either date single people or, if you truly believe he’s your soulmate, reconsider starting up with your married man. But please take a break from the rollercoaster. You don’t need this in your otherwise fulfilling life.

[Myabee]

7 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

OK but does it not peeve you even slightly that she is where she is and you are where you are in the scheme of things.

No! 

[Myabee]

3 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

Then you can really spend some quality time with hobbies and activities you love without a man until you sort out your marriage and future without your husband. Then you can either date single people or, if you truly believe he’s your soulmate, reconsider starting up with your married man. But please take a break from the rollercoaster. You don’t need this in your otherwise fulfilling life.

I do all of those things for myself. I'm not adding any more men to the mix here.  

[ExpatInItaly]

21 minutes ago, Myabee said:

I'm not jealous of her. Jealous people don't love who they are. I happen to love who I am. 

Why does it offend you so deeply to be considered jealous? 

That’s what’s worth examining. It’s not a terrible accusation, but your reaction to it is where you might want to reflect. 

[Myabee]

11 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Why does it offend you so deeply to be considered jealous? 

That’s what’s worth examining. It’s not a terrible accusation, but your reaction to it is where you might want to reflect. 

I am not jealous and you continue to say I am. Not sure why you continue on with this. 

Edited September 25, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility

[RebeccaR]

14 minutes ago, Myabee said:

I do all of those things for myself. I'm not adding any more men to the mix here.  

I definitely think you should subtract both men from the mix here. Obviously you will still communicate with your ex about your children, but don’t rush back into his arms because you’re annoyed MM wanted to FaceTime sext. You are back and forth. Forget them both romantically (and ditch MM entirely) and take a break from all men for a while. Honestly I don’t remember a OW who vacillated quite as frequently and frenetically as you have done lately.

Edited September 24, 2021 by RebeccaR

[RebeccaR]

Just now, Myabee said:

I am not jealous and you continue to say I am. Not sure why you continue on with this. I can't figure out how to put you on ignore I am not interested in reading your opinions. 

This is so weird. I would be jealous of my lover’s spouse. 

[Myabee]

Just now, RebeccaR said:

This is so weird. I would be jealous of my lover’s spouse. 

It does not mean I am. She is she I am me. End of story. 

[glows]

In the browser's top right corner on a pc, you'll find your profile and it says your username Myabee. A dropdown menu will appear and one of the options is Ignored Users. 

On your phone the username Myabee is replaced with an icon of three lines in the top right corner, select, a menu will slide open and the last option is Ignored Users. 

 

[Daisydooks]

3 hours ago, Myabee said:

Someone telling me I am jealous of his wife in highly inaccurate and bs. I disagree with you.  

Dont focus on those comments. Focus on the advice that helps you grow. Those are most likely the comments you need to actually read though. 

You speak of her as if you can believe everything he says about her, so it comes off catty and jealous. Many of us have been the wife or you in this scenario. The only one who isnt messed around on is the MM. He lies to both his wife and his OW. 

We all know you want to believe everything that comes out of his mouth because you care deeply for him, (and gosh darnit, how could he ever lie to his "best friend") but that's not reality and despite posters maybe coming off a little strong, I genuinely believe most would like to see you not falling for this nonsense and this man has you hook, line and sinker. You are often flabbergasted this cheating liar could lie or cheat you in any way and we dont get it. Thats all. He is lying and cheating on his wife and somehow you think youre different. Liars lie. Cheaters cheat. You're engaging with a lying cheater. Your fight is against him, not her. 

 

[Bittersweetie]

3 hours ago, Myabee said:

Someone telling me I am jealous of his wife in highly inaccurate and bs. I disagree with you.  

When I first came to this site as an OW, this site was not moderated in any way. I was called names and there would often be posts that would really piss me off. One day I realized the posts that pissed me off the most were the ones hitting a nerve I needed to examine. I feel I see that here with you as well. I'd suggest instead of blocking people who offer opinions you think are bs, set those posts aside to consider in an unemotional way later. It's not easy to look at ourselves and our choices as an OW so sometimes others' comments can be angering. But we can't grow if we don't open ourselves to criticism.

A couple of years ago a poster said something to me on this board that pissed me off (and this was probably almost ten years after my affair so nothing was fresh). I immediately started writing a defensive response in anger...then took a breath and shut my computer and walked away. On reflection I realized the poster had a point, though it may not have been communicated in the best way. There is a lot of value in the comments here, though one may not see that at first.

[mark clemson]

7 hours ago, Myabee said:

Umm it's not that easy peasy to find some single dad in my area to date at my age..

Ok fair enough. It's your life and your decisions. I get that quality men past a certain age get harder to find (and thus snapped up more quickly once they're on the dating market). However, I'm questioning how much sense all this makes (just like you seem to be yourself half the time). Do you really want to spend your time with this when you could be working on finding someone who would almost certainly make more sense for you I guess is the question.

On the conflicted part, what I'm getting at essentially aligns with what @elaine567 is getting at above. He's not over likely to actually leave and the 3000 miles makes it even less likely IMO. But frustration with his current marriage may be making him convincing about it in the short term.

[Myabee]

15 minutes ago, S2B said:

Most don’t leave. Don’t count on him leaving.

I'm not counting on it that's just it. Yes he did a turn around in the future TALK department.. But we all know talk is talk not actions. Yes I do know this too. 

[Myabee]

42 minutes ago, S2B said:

He talks of her because he’s thinking about her. And he needs to make her look bad to keep you hooked = all the lies he tells you.

He does not make her look real bad though. I guess in the lack of sexual sense yes. And the fact that he feels ignored by her alot of the time. Again... who knows whats really 

 

1 hour ago, Bittersweetie said:

When I first came to this site as an OW, this site was not moderated in any way. I was called names and there would often be posts that would really piss me off. One day I realized the posts that pissed me off the most were the ones hitting a nerve I needed to examine. I feel I see that here with you as well. I'd suggest instead of blocking people who offer opinions you think are bs, set those posts aside to consider in an unemotional way later. It's not easy to look at ourselves and our choices as an OW so sometimes others' comments can be angering. But we can't grow if we don't open ourselves to criticism.

A couple of years ago a poster said something to me on this board that pissed me off (and this was probably almost ten years after my affair so nothing was fresh). I immediately started writing a defensive response in anger...then took a breath and shut my computer and walked away. On reflection I realized the poster had a point, though it may not have been communicated in the best way. There is a lot of value in the comments here, though one may not see that at first.

Value in comments here yes. And in 

 

1 hour ago, Bittersweetie said:

When I first came to this site as an OW, this site was not moderated in any way. I was called names and there would often be posts that would really piss me off. One day I realized the posts that pissed me off the most were the ones hitting a nerve I needed to examine. I feel I see that here with you as well. I'd suggest instead of blocking people who offer opinions you think are bs, set those posts aside to consider in an unemotional way later. It's not easy to look at ourselves and our choices as an OW so sometimes others' comments can be angering. But we can't grow if we don't open ourselves to criticism.

A couple of years ago a poster said something to me on this board that pissed me off (and this was probably almost ten years after my affair so nothing was fresh). I immediately started writing a defensive response in anger...then took a breath and shut my computer and walked away. On reflection I realized the poster had a point, though it may not have been communicated in the best way. There is a lot of value in the comments here, though one may not see that at first.

Lots of of good value here yes. I have to disagree that for me anyway the posts like saying I'm jealous of  the wife are not ones that help me. Several other posts have. That's just me though. 

[RebeccaR]

36 minutes ago, Myabee said:

I have to disagree that for me anyway the posts like saying I'm jealous of  the wife are not ones that help me.

I understand it doesn’t help you, but you might want to explore why you reacted so strongly to this particular comment. You may not be jealous but there’s a certain way you view the wife that’s interesting. Many OW here have “testified” that they ignore the wife’s existence as much as possible. You seem to be using your knowledge of the wife as some kind of gauge or predictor of his behavior. That’s interesting.

[Starswillshine]

8 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

I understand it doesn’t help you, but you might want to explore why you reacted so strongly to this particular comment. You may not be jealous but there’s a certain way you view the wife that’s interesting. Many OW here have “testified” that they ignore the wife’s existence as much as possible. You seem to be using your knowledge of the wife as some kind of gauge or predictor of his behavior. That’s interesting.

I think the focus on the wife gives some element of control. In her mind, the wife is neglectful thus in some aspects, she can control if he cheats on her (if their relationship pans out) by never being neglectful. It is a way to settle the conflict that he is cheating on his wife. He is cheating on his wife because she is a bad wife. It makes him a victim and thus not a risk to have a relationship with. 

[Daisydooks]

1 hour ago, Myabee said:

I'm not counting on it that's just it. Yes he did a turn around in the future TALK department.. But we all know talk is talk not actions. Yes I do know this too. 

But you dont though.  You fully believe that he has done a 180 because he said words to you about leaving. You came here yesterday (I believe) to tell us he has tossed more fancy words at you about a future with you and leaving his wife.  It didn't sound as though you felt he was lying or that he was just talk. It felt like you truly believe there is a future here. I am happy to see you say talk is talk. When you're here, you get it and thats fantastic. Then you muddy your head up everytime you speak to him again and hang on words he says (talk.) Stop doing that. Watch what he does. If he wanted to leave his wife, he would have one honest conversation in all of this and tell her he is leaving. Right now, hes still done nothing but leave you hanging onto nonsense and words.

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, elaine567 said:

I think being jealous of his wife would be a perfectly natural response because after all she has unlimited access to the man you want and love. She married him, she lives with him. She gets to see him, and interact with him every day.
Who wouldn't be jealous of that?
I certainly would be.

Yes, exactly. 

It is a human response. Unfortunately, OP's head spins every couple days and she flip-flops so much on this man that I don't think even she can make sense of her feelings right now. 

It's going to be an enormous tail-spin once reality hits. 

[BlindsidedTwice]

Your adamant defensiveness over the wife is why everyone thinks you’re jealous. But you get to decide what you feel, and you don’t have to defend it one way or the other.

When I was in my affair, I told my AP a lot of bad things about my H. They weren’t exactly lies, but they were specifically selected stories that would make me look good and my H look bad. 

I don’t think anyone is saying that your MM is lying about everything. Rather, you just can’t know... It took me months to finally admit that to myself. I had no idea about his life. I had no idea how much sex they were having. I had no idea how much he did/didn’t help her with the kids or around the house. I wasn’t a person in his real life, so he could make his life look however he wanted. Maybe he was more of a liar than I was. Maybe I was lying more than him. 

Edited September 25, 2021 by BlindsidedTwice

[Prudence V]

On 9/24/2021 at 1:29 PM, elaine567 said:

I think being jealous of his wife would be a perfectly natural response because after all she has unlimited access to the man you want and love. She married him, she lives with him. She gets to see him, and interact with him every day.
Who wouldn't be jealous of that?
I certainly would be.

During the A, I was not jealous of the BW. I may have been thousands of miles away, while she lived under the same roof as him, but there was absolutely nothing about her, or their R, that I would have wanted for myself. Of course, when I mentioned her on these boards I was also accused of jealousy, I was also told that I was being fed a line on her and that I couldn’t possibly know anything about their R. This despite him not being the source of my info; despite everything I was told from several sources all triangulating; despite everything I was told at the time being perfectly consistent with what I observed for myself subsequently. Because, there is a line, which is that the OW must be jealous, the BW must be a saint, and the MM can never be honest - with anyone, ever. 
 

I’m not saying that’s never the case. I’m not saying that every OW is told the truth, that every BW is toxic or that every A is going to work out for the OW… obviously not. But equally, not every stereotype always applies 100% in all cases, and sometimes some gets upset at someone repeating cookie-cutter advice at them not because it’s secretly true and they’re in denial, but precisely because it doesn’t fit. Telling someone “pay attention because it’s actually true” when they’re adamant that it’s not, may help the odd person here or there but for most of us, it’s just a turn-off.