do they actually leave?

[Myabee]

3 hours ago, Stevnx3 said:

That's very awesome to hear! One who loves themselves can accomplish what they are determined to.

Hopefully, you get this all figured out.

Thanks for being supportive.😊

[Myabee]

As most of you know by now, I am legally separated from my husband and have been involved in a rollercoaster like very long distance relationship with a MM that I have known for 30 plus years. If you read back through my threads, you will see moments of strength and moments of pure weakness. Thats all on me. Thing is l, My youngest child (son 16) was in trouble at school come to find out recently. He is not a kid that has ever been in trouble. Straight A student on a great path with great goals in a career after college that will make him happy. However, This was kinda a big deal. My Husband took the call. i was then notified by him and he came to the house. I was very impressed by his calm demeanor and the respect that he showed not only my son but myself. He and I have been in an emotionally abusive marriage. I being the brunt of his actions . Back last Nov was when I had enough. I could not take it anymore and we have been separated ever since. However he has been my life since age 20.. I'm now 50. MM has recently increased  the anti as to he wants me 24/7 face-time games, sex and is full on affair acceptance and we will get there and I am leaving type of stance. I have never seen MM step up like this before. He has expressed that I'm the one for him. He also has mentioned he needs to tell his wife that he wants out!!! I truly feel like he is for real now and I guess I finally am 100% freaked out. My could be ex husband has changed significantly. Yet.... I have no clue what it is that we would share happily as to a future? I really need weeding out here. I would appreciate kind responses if you would. Thank  you.       

[BaileyB]

Personally, I think you could benefit from some single alone time. If I was you, that would be my choice. 

[Myabee]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

Personally, I think you could benefit from some single alone time. If I was you, that would be my choice. 

I feel that. I have been alone for a year from my husband. MM as you all know is 3,000 miles away. Yes it's hard to deny our connection, but is it worth putting him aside ti try and make amends to a 28 year marriage? I am leaning that way. My husband has changed . The seperation at best proved that on his part. Ugh.  

[stillafool]

Don't just settle for your husband knowing you are in love with someone else.  How is that fair to him?  I'm sure he'll be able to find the love of his life too if you will just be honest with him about what you've been doing while separated.  If not, just be alone.

[BaileyB]

Again, personally I don’t think you could have a viable relationship with your MM. It’s more fantasy than reality at this point. And, I think your marriage ended for a reason… get back together with the man, and you are likely to remember why very quickly…

Edited September 23, 2021 by BaileyB

[basil67]

It's relatively easy to decide where to go with this when you take emotions out and use a flow chart.

Q1.  Do I want to divorce my husband Y/N/or unsure   If Y, then continue.

Q2. If Y, have I filed for divorce Y/N   If Y, continue

Q3. If Y, do I want to get into another relationship soon or have time to myself?   If you want a relationship soon, continue

Q4. If you want another relationship, would I have one with MM?  If Y, continue

Q5. Has MM left his W?   If yes, continue

Q6. Is either you or MM willing to move to live with the other, If yes, continue

Q7. Can you trust MM to not cheat on you?  

 

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

It's relatively easy to decide where to go with this when you take emotions out and use a flow chart.

Q1.  Do I want to divorce my husband Y/N/or unsure   If Y, then continue.

Q2. If Y, have I filed for divorce Y/N   If Y, continue

Q3. If Y, do I want to get into another relationship soon or have time to myself?   If you want a relationship soon, continue

Q4. If you want another relationship, would I have one with MM?  If Y, continue

Q5. Has MM left his W?   If yes, continue

Q6. Is either you or MM willing to move to live with the other, If yes, continue

Q7. Can you trust MM to not cheat on you?  

 

It's not east to decide at all. 😥

[ExpatInItaly]

I would slow down, and realize you don't need to make any decisions about MM right now, because at the moment nothing concrete has actually changed, it seems. Unless and until he actually tells his wife it's over and files for divorce, don't hold your breath.

Might it happen? Yes, it might. Or it might never happen. A lot of MM say things like this, to buy time, and never follow through when push comes to shove. 

 

 

[Daisydooks]

6 hours ago, Myabee said:

He also has mentioned he needs to tell his wife that he wants out!!! I truly feel like he is for real now

Right now all he has said are words. Out loud. He is probably very caught up in feelings since your last meet up. 

If he wants to be with you, he, of course, has to tell his wife it's over. I will tell you most men dont actually leave and if they do, a VERY miniscule percentage end up with their AP. So he may leave but the chances of him leaving AND being with you are slim, at best. Right now these are just empty words.

Knowing this, tread carefully. Words are fun. Actions will show you what you need to know. Im fearful his words were just said to keep the affair going. Often cheaters "future fake" so as to resume the affair, but never leave. If he didnt say these pretty things, he cant string this around much longer. Id hate for you to listen and get excited over something that will most likely never happen. 

How much time are you willing to invest in being an OW? 

[glows]

This isn't very surprising because as anyone who's been through a divorce will attest there are always residual feelings from a marriage, no matter how buried or concealed or seemingly faraway. Some let go quickly, others take longer or need more time. Early on members were encouraging you to focus on your divorce and you were adamant that the marriage was over. I didn't ever think it was, speaking frankly. The force of this new long distance affair and the strong emotions you felt weren't really proportionate to what you both shared in reality, suggesting that perhaps your marriage wasn't truly over and that you were still possibly holding out for some change in your spouse or reconciliation.

Those emotions from the affair aren't sustainable in the long run whereas the emotions in your marriage were (at least for some time before separation). Your marriage is what is tangible and real and you shared a life with your husband. Where your affair fell short, you still had the safety net of a husband/spouse (not fully deciding whether to move on or not). It's not a surprise then that if your affair partner is hot/cold, your husband may seem like a sensible choice, with promise of change included. It's oscillating between two men who haven't been a good fit for you for a long time and continuing to hedge your bets on people who have proven unreliable.

All this could also be translated to fear of truly starting anew and being on your own. 

[NYAG]

On 8/17/2021 at 9:25 PM, Myabee said:

I was making great progress and blew it! I caved and texted just wondering if your ok. He said he is ok. He asked if I was ok, I said I don't know how to answer that? Then silence. So I continued text babbling and he said this.. after a few questions and rants of mine. After answering that he did miss me... i get this 

 

I think about you a lot. I don’t know what number to put on it and I don’t see how that would be productive.  it’s not enough to make me want to change my life. I spent months trying to convince myself that I wasn’t satisfied with my marriage and that my life sucked. I was feeling sorry for myself. Obviously those things turned out to not be true. 

 

I’m sorry I dragged you into that. 

I then said I'm not even going to accept sorry at this point. I also said I have a feeling this is not the first time you have cheated. Silence again could not answer that one.. go figure. 

 

Then i said I hated him. his reply

I was hoping it wouldn’t come to that but it was probably inevitable. We need to not contact each other anymore. There’s nothing I can say that you want to hear. 

😢 

It sounds like you have both come to a mutual agreement. Now it's time to delete his contact details so you can't retrieve them, and move on. He doesn't hate his marriage enough to leave it for you. That's all you need to know.

[ExpatInItaly]

41 minutes ago, NYAG said:

It sounds like you have both come to a mutual agreement. Now it's time to delete his contact details so you can't retrieve them, and move on. He doesn't hate his marriage enough to leave it for you. That's all you need to know.

Have you read the latest update? Something tells me OP won't be deleting his contact details anytime soon...

9 hours ago, Myabee said:

MM has recently increased  the anti as to he wants me 24/7 face-time games, sex and is full on affair acceptance and we will get there and I am leaving type of stance. I have never seen MM step up like this before. He has expressed that I'm the one for him. He also has mentioned he needs to tell his wife that he wants out!!! 

 

[Wiseman2]

Getting an evaluation from a physician for your physical and mental health could be a place to start.

Get a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Chitchatting with a married man 3000 mi. away is messing things up more than helping you or your son.

See if you can get into family therapy with your son.

Your abusive troubled marriage along with your preoccupation chitchatting with this cheating clown, no doubt, has left your son alienated with no one to turn to.

Get your priorities in order. Straighten out your mental health, follow through on the divorce, focus on involved and appropriate co-parenting, get rid of this distance clown, and most of all focus on steering your son in the right direction through family counseling (just you and your son).

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Getting an evaluation from a physician for your physical and mental health could be a place to start.

Get a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Chitchatting with a married man 3000 mi. away is messing things up more than helping you or your son.

See if you can get into family therapy with your son.

Your abusive troubled marriage along with your preoccupation chitchatting with this cheating clown, no doubt, has left your son alienated with no one to turn to.

Get your priorities in order. Straighten out your mental health, follow through on the divorce, focus on involved and appropriate co-parenting, get rid of this distance clown, and most of all focus on steering your son in the right direction through family counseling (just you and your son).

Wait No. My son has nothing to do with MM he is not around when I'm chatting with him. His father is very present in his life and there for him always.We have been co parenting well. I have a therapist who I work well with and I'm always on top of my physical health. One small  pandemic roll at my age is nothing. However... I do need to stop chit chatting with this MM. I saw aside of him on facetime yesterday that I did not like. It was over some sexual game he wanted to play. I was having trouble with my phone camera and said this is not working. He seemed to get mad. I was so turned off by that. 

[Myabee]

6 hours ago, glows said:

This isn't very surprising because as anyone who's been through a divorce will attest there are always residual feelings from a marriage, no matter how buried or concealed or seemingly faraway. Some let go quickly, others take longer or need more time. Early on members were encouraging you to focus on your divorce and you were adamant that the marriage was over. I didn't ever think it was, speaking frankly. The force of this new long distance affair and the strong emotions you felt weren't really proportionate to what you both shared in reality, suggesting that perhaps your marriage wasn't truly over and that you were still possibly holding out for some change in your spouse or reconciliation.

Those emotions from the affair aren't sustainable in the long run whereas the emotions in your marriage were (at least for some time before separation). Your marriage is what is tangible and real and you shared a life with your husband. Where your affair fell short, you still had the safety net of a husband/spouse (not fully deciding whether to move on or not). It's not a surprise then that if your affair partner is hot/cold, your husband may seem like a sensible choice, with promise of change included. It's oscillating between two men who haven't been a good fit for you for a long time and continuing to hedge your bets on people who have proven unreliable.

All this could also be translated to fear of truly starting anew and being on your own. 

Glows... you hit the nail on the head with this post.Thank so much. 

[RebeccaR]

12 minutes ago, Myabee said:

I do need to stop chit chatting with this MM. I saw aside of him on facetime yesterday that I did not like.

You’re all over the place regarding this dude. I agree with others who suggest you take a break from relationships with men for a bit. 

[Starswillshine]

14 minutes ago, Myabee said:

I saw aside of him on facetime yesterday that I did not like. It was over some sexual game he wanted to play. I was having trouble with my phone camera and said this is not working. He seemed to get mad. I was so turned off by that. 

Ewww, gross.  I mean, I know you guys are 3,000 miles apart, but if this is what your "relationship" entails, I don't know I would want to hold up my life for this.

My theory on this is, you had a horrible marriage, and you left the marriage/separated/whatever. While the marriage was bad and toxic, he was a man that was physically there taking up some attention, space, a person who was around. When your husband was gone, that, no doubt was lonely. Trust me, I think all of us who have left a bad marriage can attest to the loneliness once the separation starts even if the relationship was awful. I think this MM filled a void. One that was there for a long time due to the way your husband treated you. It felt good because it had been years since you felt like that, loved, adored, etc. It also took up the lonely spaces of time. However, practically, even without him being married, this relationship would have huge hurdles to overcome. Throw in the fact he is married, and well, we all know it truly will not work. 

I think after the years of a toxic marriage and this relationship (though you may not feel it is toxic, it is very much so), it is time for you to focus on yourself and making yourself whole again. THEN find a true love who respects and honors you and ONLY you. You deserve it. 

[Myabee]

11 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

You’re all over the place regarding this dude. I agree with others who suggest you take a break from relationships with men for a bit. 

Yes I agree. I'm stepping back bigtime.

[Myabee]

5 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

Ewww, gross.  I mean, I know you guys are 3,000 miles apart, but if this is what your "relationship" entails, I don't know I would want to hold up my life for this.

My theory on this is, you had a horrible marriage, and you left the marriage/separated/whatever. While the marriage was bad and toxic, he was a man that was physically there taking up some attention, space, a person who was around. When your husband was gone, that, no doubt was lonely. Trust me, I think all of us who have left a bad marriage can attest to the loneliness once the separation starts even if the relationship was awful. I think this MM filled a void. One that was there for a long time due to the way your husband treated you. It felt good because it had been years since you felt like that, loved, adored, etc. It also took up the lonely spaces of time. However, practically, even without him being married, this relationship would have huge hurdles to overcome. Throw in the fact he is married, and well, we all know it truly will not work. 

I think after the years of a toxic marriage and this relationship (though you may not feel it is toxic, it is very much so), it is time for you to focus on yourself and making yourself whole again. THEN find a true love who respects and honors you and ONLY you. You deserve it. 

Ewww gross is right! For first time in 14-15 months of this my eyes opened to what the heck is this? He has no responsibilities to kids... just to his wife who come to find out as evidence of being on the phone with MM until 10 pm my time 7 his... she rarely comes home from work so this MM on top of not having had any actual sex with her in over ten years is neglected and ignored emotionally too. On his end I could see why he fell into this.You are right about my end of it too with all you said.  

[RebeccaR]

5 minutes ago, Myabee said:

she rarely comes home from work so this MM on top of not having had any actual sex with her in over ten years is neglected and ignored emotionally too.

Just a reminder, please don’t take these statements of his at face value.

[Myabee]

2 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

Just a reminder, please don’t take these statements of his at face value.

I have been on the phone with him as of the late at that time and she is not home. It's not him just saying that it factual she really is not home. Anyway... It is kinda clear as day I'm a sex toy. 🥺

[Starswillshine]

16 minutes ago, Myabee said:

just to his wife who come to find out as evidence of being on the phone with MM until 10 pm my time 7 his... she rarely comes home from work so this MM on top of not having had any actual sex with her in over ten years is neglected and ignored emotionally too.

Sigh.

No, you do not know what is going on. Neglected and ignored emotionally? Really? He is on a computer doing web shows and playing "sex" games with a former high school chick which no doubt includes mutual masturbation via face time... and HE is the one neglected and ignored emotionally?  Forgive me while I go change my shirt after spitting coffee all over myself. 

[BaileyB]

27 minutes ago, Myabee said:

she rarely comes home from work so this MM on top of not having had any actual sex with her in over ten years is neglected and ignored emotionally too.

I don’t feel badly for him. 

He is responsible for setting the boundaries in his relationship/life - if he is not satisfied with his relationship he always has the right to make a different decision. People do it every day - you did it! Blame shifting - throwing a pity party for the guy because his wife works and she neglects his emotional and sexual needs may feel good for both you and him to do as it explains his decision to stay in his marriage rather than leave and be in a relationship with you… It is just not a good or healthy way for either of you to make decisions about your lives. There are a multitude of ways that he can cope that are healthier than doing what he’s doing with this affair - he can go to the gym, go out with friends, develop a hobby… He can ask her to go for marriage counselling and invest his energy into healing his marriage rather than spending his hours online with you. And if his marriage is so far gone that none of these things will “meet his needs” - he should divorce. He is not a passive participant in his marriage - his mental health, happiness, and well being is not his wife’s responsibility - it is his!

Edited September 23, 2021 by BaileyB

[Starswillshine]

18 minutes ago, Myabee said:

I have been on the phone with him as of the late at that time and she is not home. It's not him just saying that it factual she really is not home. Anyway... It is kinda clear as day I'm a sex toy. 🥺

But you don't know why she isnt' home. Maybe she is working her rear off to provide a life for him that allows him to stay at home spending hours a day on facetime with this mistress that is on the other side of the country?